Saving The Planet From Us Pathetic Humans!

We've got the whole world, in our hands. . . Bullocks!
We've got the whole world, in our hands. . . Bullocks!

The Arrogance of Mankind. . .

Everyone seek shelter and make your way towards the bunkers! There's a threat not only to me, to you, but the entire planet! No, the threat isn't a super comet that's incoming. No, the threat isn't our planet has been knocked off orbit from the revolution of the sun. No, the Earth hasn't spun off it's axis; resulting in an irrational rotation. No, there isn't a killer asteroid approaching that will result in a holiday for every single Evangelical Christian across the United States! No, the threat isn't our sun at any moment going supernova!

The threat comes from me, comes from you, yes us humans threaten the very annihilation of Earth! Think of that the next time you look in the mirror. . .

At least that is the case to my environmentalist friend (or should I use the word comrade?); grab your picket signs because we have a political war to fight! Man must save the planet! Because after all, the planet needs our help and our saving from ourselves! Now, if the thought process comes down as a little schizophrenic, have no worry, my friend is passing out business cards. Just call the number and he'll explain everything. . .

Come to one of his "peer groups" and he'll make you see the light. . . Uhh, I mean the scientific facts! Apparently humanity is waging all-out war against the entire planet; and we must stop it! We're killing species all throughout the Earth! We're warming the planet to intolerable levels; turning the planet into one helpless rice cooker! We're spreading toxins all throughout the air; never mind the fact this seems to be doing a wonderful job killing the human species on masse more than any other species. Regardless, 'it’s all "collateral damage",' says my friend. Humanity is clearly targeting the Earth; and the Earth needs our help! After all, what chance could the Earth have against us mighty, all powerful, evil humans?!

The Permian extinction that led to 90% of all life on Earth deceased. Our sandy ocean bottoms are a reminder of the time period.
The Permian extinction that led to 90% of all life on Earth deceased. Our sandy ocean bottoms are a reminder of the time period.
Asteroid collision at the end of the Cretaceous Period, leading to the extinction of the dinosaurs. Estimated destructive capacity of four times all the nuclear weapons currently on Earth.
Asteroid collision at the end of the Cretaceous Period, leading to the extinction of the dinosaurs. Estimated destructive capacity of four times all the nuclear weapons currently on Earth.

Earth vs Humans: Who Wins?

A feverous activist holds up a pamphlet. He shouts out loud, "man is responsible for the annihilation of 82 animal species the past 50 years!" Indeed; that's seemingly quite an impressive statistic of destruction, until we further analyze the data by comparing ourselves to the very Earth we're trying to protect. So what is my conclusion? We humans suck! We're clearly not killing enough animal species; and compared to our wonderful Earth, we're quite benign. Our Earth on the other hand; is a genocidal species killing maniac!

After scouting out the room; and discovering that indeed there are no Evangelical Christian spies amongst us, I proceeded to make the following counter argument. The fact of the matter is Earth goes through what we call "evolutionary cycles." And by that I don't mean apes turning into men; "Planet of the Apes" science fiction variety. At this point I had to raise my hand up in the air and shout out loud that I'm not an Evangelical; so the mob would allow me to finish speaking. Once I went through that abrupt moment of fervour, I explained just what I meant by these "evolutionary cycles."

First we had the Precambrian Period (approximately 4567.17–542 million years) on Earth. It was quite an interesting time period, as during this time period the very first forms of bacteria (and what we call life) were being created. However, the Earth was quite cruel. She felt the need to kill billions of innocent little harmless bacteria species as we went into the Cambrian Period (approximately 542–488.3 million years ago). This is when the Earth oceans started to vastly expand and several sea life micro-organisms emerged from the deepest parts of the ocean. And no Evangelicals, Noah's Arc wasn't sailing above the micro-organisms during this time period.

The Ordovician Period (approximately 488.3–443.7 million years ago) began with the genocidal Earth unleashing a sea of blood that wiped out 60% of marine genera. Instead, we had marine fungi starting to develop! That bastardly Earth!

Then we had the horrific Silurian Period (443.7–416 million years ago). The inconsiderate Earth felt the need to warm itself beyond reckoning. She had a Co2 content of roughly 16 times to that of today. Millions of innocent marine plant, fungus, and micro-organisms died from the intolerable temperatures. The cruel Earth discarded these poor souls and had them replaced by the first bony fish, the Osteichthyes. Nasty sea scorpions also appeared on the bottom of the ocean deeps.

In came the Devonian Period (416–359.2 million years ago). During this time period the psychopathic Earth thought it would be comical to create bigger fish, which ate smaller fish, often resulting in the extinction of many fish that literally got devoured to death. During the Devonian Period the first ray finned and lobe-finned bony fish evolved. The pectoral and pelvic fins of lobe-finned fish evolved into legs as they started to walk on land as tetrapods. What was the Earth thinking? In the future this would certainly result in evil legged creatures!

Then we had the Carboniferous Period (359.2–299 million years ago). The Carboniferous was a time of glaciation, low sea level and mountain building, diversification and extinction; a minor marine and terrestrial extinction event among animals and plants. The cause of the carnage was extreme climate change. The culprit was once again Earth.

The Earth's bloodlust was hardly finished with the Permian Period (299–251 million years ago). At the very end of this era is when the first of what we call dinosaurs started to emerge. Mostly smaller dinosaurs; that look much like an overgrown version of the lizards we see today. They were mostly restricted to sea life and beachheads. However, the Earth felt the need to rain down great fireballs and ash upon the harmless Permian creatures. Volcanoes erupting from all over, turning the Earth into a giant Armageddon; a scene that quickly resembled hell, but this time with no Jesus to save them! In the end, 90% of all life on Earth was killed.

Here comes the Triassic Period (251–199.6 million years ago), which again the era comes to an end marked by a dubious extinction event that destroyed 90% of all marine life; and at least half of all land life. The mass extinction was believed to be caused this time by several volcanic eruptions at the bottom of the ocean, which consequently poisoned all the water supply over a lengthy period of time, subsequently resulting in so much death. The big, bad, evil Earth was at it again; contaminating the water and killing the poor Triassicians.

We then have the Jurassic Period (199.6–145.5 million years ago), the era of big dinosaurs. Finally we have the Cretaceous Period (145.5–65.5 million years ago) where we get even larger dinosaurs; and the first flying dinosaurs, believed to be related to birds emerge. This era came to an end with a giant asteroid blasting a hole in the Earth, leading to the extinction of all land based dinosaurs, with the exception of but a few. You can find a few of these survivors at your local pet store; they're geckos and iguanas. Hard to believe they have survived this long, considering from experience I can tell you; they're stupid animals. It is believed most of the avian dinosaurs and marine life survived; and evolved.

Paleogene Period (65.5–23.03 million years ago) was the era of mammals. Birds evolved considerably into the modern day form we see today. During the time period there were three separate extinction epochs that killed off at least 50% of all life on Earth. The causes were extreme global cooling (ice ages) or warming.

Finally we have the Neogene Period (23.03–2.588 million years ago). An era mostly marked with gradual global cooling and multiple ice ages. The cold blooded species mostly give way to their warm blooded counterparts; who can better handle the cold and volatile seasonal adjustments. Towards the end of this period we get the first case of humanoids: Neanderthals and Homo-sapiens.

My point in all this (if you're still paying attention): The accusations of extinction caused by man pales in deep comparison to that of what has been done by the Earth. The morbid reality of what I call these evolutionary life cycles is that extinction is horribly natural; perhaps even healthy. The fact of the matter is from the very moment life on Earth begun, until the present day, we've had gradually less and less species. The primary causes were climate changes, natural disasters, species inbreeding, one species dominating their food supply until the point of extinction; and thus in the end leading themselves to extinction, etc.

The truth of the matter is the Earth is a dark place; filled with eating, killing, unusual sexual largesse, death, and extinction. This is played out by all organisms, whether big or small, young or old, intelligent or stupid, etc. The cruelty of the evolutionary life cycle has existed before humans, it will continue to exist during humans (regardless of what we decide to do hence forth), and it will continue after humans.

I subsequently got a swift rebuttal in the room, stating that the destruction I listed caused by Earth is natural, while human destruction is unnatural. Of course, that whole argument is easily thrown out the window when you consider humans were naturally created on Earth in the first place.

Despite my tactful explanations, I noticed my young comrades were still looking at me with ire of confusion. Perhaps being the oldest amongst the group, at the grizzled age of 29, meant it was time for me to retire? I swear I could hear a few whispers in the background, "crazy old coot." Then I remembered I was taught this material somewhere around the 2nd grade, until it was pulled from the curriculum because some leftists thought it was "too graphic and violent to teach to children," while some rightists wanted to teach us "creative design." Both sides eventually came to a compromise. The result was us watching a few clips from The Lion King and chanting "it's the circle of life!" Hint: I was the evil kid who went to "timeout" because I didn't cry when the daddy died.

It's amazing what the average human normally must go through; just to eke out the average 75 years. . .
It's amazing what the average human normally must go through; just to eke out the average 75 years. . .

The Pathetic Limitations of Humanity. . .

Still, my friend wasn't convinced, in his mind humans are indeed an imminent threat to the planet. This is in spite of historical evidence I've given him of the Earth surviving worse throughout the eons; where the only common surviving denominator was the Earth itself. Not only did the Earth survive just fine; it seemingly showed little remorse in murdering billions of species.

So, I brought it upon him to analyze how powerful this threat that we call humanity is to Earth. The average human in my nation lives to around 75 years; compared to the Earth that's most likely billions of years old. It's pathetic when you think about it, a sea turtle lives 4 times longer than a human. Not only does the sea turtle live 4 times longer, but the sea turtle doesn't need artificial respirators, numerous chemically induced drugs, multiple surgeries, and constant medical supervision to live out their 300 years. A human on the other hand takes careful management, attention, and constant care just to live out their 75 years.

I'll grant that life expectancy doesn't always tell the whole story; so let's now examine how that typical human lives out their 75 years. Out of a 24 hour day, we need on average approximately 8 hours of sleep. That's 33% of our "life" spent right there, just on sleeping, a completely unproductive activity. We also spend on average 2 hours a day eating; and another 2 hours a day in the bathroom mostly cleaning and shitting ourselves. When we do the mental math, humanity spends roughly half of their life sleeping, eating and shitting. So that average human life span is truly a paltry 37.5 years. Meaning that only by your 38th birthday are you starting to get a return on investment on your time lost sleeping, eating, and shitting! This is grossly inefficient; and hardly the markings of a threatening species to the planet Earth. I would go on to say it's debatable that we're the most dominant species on the planet. Can an organism that spends half its life sleeping, eating, and shitting call itself king of the castle? I can tell you right now, there are many species on the planet that don't need to spend near as much time sleeping, eating, and shitting. Seems all pathetically frail to me!

Well, as a consolidation prize at least I can say we're more intelligent than other species, or are we truly? Rather than invent technology that allows us to sleep less, eat less, and shit less - thus improving the ability of our race - instead we invented technology that allows us to sleep better, eat better, and shit better. We even handed it a fancy name - we call it consumerism. Rather than having a genuine desire to improve upon ourselves; we embrace, perhaps even worship, our pathetic limitations. This is hardly the making of an intelligent species.

Floods, tornadoes, volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, diseases, plagues, etc. The Earth is relentless in killing humans. . .
Floods, tornadoes, volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, diseases, plagues, etc. The Earth is relentless in killing humans. . .

The Earth is Slaughtering Humans in Record Numbers. . .

For a supposed threat to the planet; the planet seems to do a wonderful job killing us. I would go on to say the Earth is like that little kid with a magnifying glass who randomly decides to irradiate ants; and we're the ants.

Floods, tornadoes, volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, diseases, plagues, etc. when does the killing end? Does the Earth have no mercy? The Earth tosses us around like rag dolls!

And despite our uncanny ability to have an average of five wars every year across the globe (2011 has certainly increased this average), we're still no match when tallied up against the Earth. Despite our greatest efforts, the Earth still manages to kill more humans than we can kill other humans.

The Earth smited humans pretty darn hard in the 14th century when we suffered the bubonic plague. An estimated up to 60% of the population across Europe was instantly exterminated. That only tells part of the story though, as the majority of the casualties were actually younger adults, i.e. the people who could possibly bare children. We nearly faced extinction. So you're telling me a species that nearly contemplated extinction no more than 700 years ago is suddenly a threat to billions of years old Earth?

Still, my friend wasn't convinced. He told me we may not be a threat to the Earth now, but sometime in the near future. . . It is as of this moment I had an idea. . .

This human innovation, while certainly destructive beyond imagining, is but a small tickle compared to many destructive events unleashed naturally by the elements of planet Earth.
This human innovation, while certainly destructive beyond imagining, is but a small tickle compared to many destructive events unleashed naturally by the elements of planet Earth.

The Campaign to Fight Earth!

We, as humans, are clearly not doing enough to become a credible threat to Earth! Yes, that's right, we're getting soft as the world ravages us with plagues, natural disasters, and mortality! This has been my calling; to make the words of my friend seem credible; there are a few things we humans must see through. . .

First, we must kill off more species. Clearly, 82 isn't enough, the Earth has killed billions. We have a lot of catching up to do if we want to prove ourselves the mightier of the two! Every time you see an insect? Swat it! Teach your children there is indeed value in hurting a fly. Shoot random animals. Knock over the bee hive or ant hill (and stop crying if you get stung). Set the forests ablaze.

The second item on my agenda is that we need to increase Co2 content. Did you read the section in my article where I stated during the Silurian Period Earth managed to pull off Co2 content that's 16 times to that of today? Clearly, ladies and gentlemen, we're coming across as amateurs here. Even at 16 times, the Earth didn't turn into a fried boiled egg, so we're going to have to at least double that output to be a credible threat. How? Now that is a good question, considering the fact that if every single square acre of the planet we're occupied by a coal power plant, we still wouldn't even touch the Co2 content of the Silurian era. Let's use a little imagination people! Maybe inventing a "death-ray" cannon and blasting the corona of the sun will do the trick? That Co2 content needs to go up, now!

Third, we need more nuclear weapons! Clearly we don't have enough! Even with all of our nukes being launched simultaneously that would only be one fourth the power of the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs! Now if every nation on Earth had the same nuclear weapon per kilometer square as Israel (an estimated one nuclear weapon for each 40 km2) than that would be a good start. . . By the way, the United States is slacking in this regard, along with everyone else.

Fourth, the medical community needs to do something about our mortality. It's a disease. We can't expect to be fighting a successful campaign against the Earth when we pass the oxygen at 75 years. It also wouldn't hurt if something could be done about the inconvenience of sleeping, eating, and shitting.

Fifth, last but not least, I'm calling upon all new agey priests, scientologists, Evangelical Christians who have wet fantasies of being the last generation on Earth, and freaks! The Earth destruction movement needs you!

The new agey priests can perform their magic and cause human transcendence. Our physical bodies are far too limiting. How can we hope to defeat the Earth limited to our physical form? We must become pure energy! Think of all the wickedness we could cause if we become pure energy, messing up atoms and such, so much fun!

Next is a battalion of scientologists. Now I know, you know, we all know you have that alien transponder hidden somewhere. Please, could you nicely make a call to your friends and ask them if they could do the wonderful service of destroying the Earth? Scratch that idea, I forgot, it's us humans who must commit to the deed. Well, surely they have some nice trinkets we can borrow that can do the job?

Finally, Evangelical Christians, please summon your sky captain to reign down upon us all and start smiting. We can just rename all the nations "Israel," and according to your wonderful scripture, that should do the trick.

As for all the random freaks I forgot to mention from your vastly assorted groups, have no fear, every winning team needs some good quality cheerleaders. As coach, I plan to make humanity a credible threat to the Earth. Currently, our team is so bent out of shape, my friend may have to get a real job soon, and we can't be having that. . .

-Donovan D. Westhaver

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vrajavala 5 years ago from Port St. Lucie

awesome satire, man.

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