Seven Great Tips to Help You Become a Professional Loafer

Let’s get something straight. There is a huge difference in a loafer, straggler, and a whittler.

You should know what a whittler is because of a hub I published recently about how to become a whittler. But this is a first for me. To my knowledge I have never talked about loafers. Or stragglers. And to just get things out of the way before we really get rolling is a straggler is one who, for some unknown reason, manages to show-up late for every job, meeting, class or special event in his or her life.

Stragglers and whittlers are not really bad at heart. They are just what they are and we are left to deal with them. The only two things these two groups contribute to society are wastes of time and piles of shavings.

Now for loafers. And there again, do not confuse loafers with penny loafers, Penny Marshall, or penny-candy. I would have mentioned pitching pennies, but I do not promote even the slightest amount of gambling.

Loafers to me, are an American staple. Our country would not be the greatest nation on earth without loafers. You may be drawing the too-quick conclusion that I may be a bit Looney, but I am telling you the truth. We need to learn how to openly-appreciate loafers and loafing. We owe them that much.

As Jimmy Rogers, “Father of Country Music,” paid homage to the hobo, I want to pay homage to the loafer. No harm in that. I will put the loafer into a positive light, because in our country there is way too much negative slang about certain groups of people who stand-out from normal society. So I feel that I have the God-given right to pay some well-earned respect to our friends and allies, the loafers.

Just how would you define a loafer to someone visiting from a foreign country like Mexico? How would you make your senor buddy understand what a loafer really is? I am serious. I mean if you are unable to explain what an humble, harmless loafer is to another member of the human race, maybe you need some humanity lessons.

Now when I was a young boy, loafers were a scored lot. Always looked down on by acceptable society that I lived in. “Look, Austin,” my mom would say to my dad. “What is it this time?” he would answer. “There’s that “Garvin Williamson,” what a loafer!” mother would state and we would continue traveling down the road.

Mother, without realizing it, had “labeled” a man from our community. And she was right. “Garvin,” was a loafer through and through. He never argued the contrary. He did work some, but the thing is, not many seen him do work or even going to work, but he always had money. He never sold whiskey or knew how to be a thief, and he was way too young to draw his Social Security, so where did he get this money? Gambling, maybe? Who knows? I was too young to be a judge. But it was then when I looked out my backseat car window that I knew what a loafer was in the embodiment of “Garvin Williamson.”

Do not make another mistake. Professional loafers are not dangerous people. All they long to do is loaf. And talk to other loafers. Even while groups of them gather, mostly at the front of any Piggly Wiggly that was available, they talk among themselves and all the while looking to see who might join their group as a new loafer. What a neat life.

To the untrained eye, a loafer is a lazy person. Not so. Didn’t you read my account of “Garvin Williamson?” He worked. It was just not that visible to most. I agree that ‘some’ loafers are lazy. But then again, any of us can be guilty of laziness. Not just loafers. And while most loafers are retired, they still manage to make some ‘spending money,’ by trading knifes or even cars if they have a hefty pension coming in from the company they left.

Sadly, this doesn’t apply to the entire masses of loafers that are as common place in all of our fifty-states, in every hamlet and community as drinking water. And all of this time, we as an evolved, “sensitive,” tolerant society have just walked over them or by them and never give them any thought. We all should be ashamed of ourselves.

Did you know that I happened to uncover a most-unsettling fact about loafers? Sure did. I learned that as early as the 1930’s, moms and dads started teaching their innocent children a very dangerous way of thinking: Being a loafer is not a respectable thing to be. These parents might as well had said, “Being a loafer is the same as being “Machine Gun Kelly’s” baby brother. That’s the trouble when we start teaching our young things we do not understand. And loafing is probably “Number one on the charts with a bullet,” when it comes to really understanding how a loafer looks at life, what they think, and what drives them and at what age, to be a loafer.

These are tough questions that need to be addressed and answered. Remember the hippies? And their counterpart, the Flower Children? We thought of them as scourges of society, and I admit, some were, but not all. How can be “blanket judge,” entire groups by a few who love causing trouble? Fact is, I never heard or read of any loafer causing trouble to anyone. Sure, like the “bad” hippy or Flower Child, some bad seed are going to “come along for the ride,” in the good fruit, but we can learn to just embrace the good fruit and ignore the bad.

There is some sad news about loafers and loafing. Not everyone can become a loafer. Although it looks as easy “as going to sleep,” to be a loafer, it is not. It takes special skills. I bet you didn’t know that. It does and if you want to really become a “Professional Loafer,” then you must learn the following . . .

1. Be relaxed – there is no such animal as a neurotic loafer. They just do not exist. In order to be a Professional Loafer, you have to master your nerves, anxiety (if you have any), and just be as calm as the fall breezes that gently caress the beautiful landscapes of Vermont. Relaxed loafers make great loafers. And loafers who are well-liked and respected.

2. Be a Good Listener – never assume that Professional Loafers are just good talkers. No. That is a huge mistake. Any Professional Loafer will tell you that the key to being a Professional Loafer is to start with being a good listener. Besides, other loafers will not take to a “Motor Mouth,” loafer. One must listen to opinions of other loafers in order to formulate an intelligent opinion.

3. Learn to Ignore – the hateful looks, nasty whispers thrown your way by “normal” society members. A Professional Loafer had to be one-hundred percent focused on what other loafers are talking about. If he stops to defend himself as a loafer to some “know-it-all,” self-righteous, “Gad-about-town,” then he might miss an important piece of information that the other loafers are discussing. So you see. It is dangerous to you and your loafing friends to give them one ear while your other ear is on what passersby are saying about you.

4. You Belong – to a special group of people, so learn to first, be humble. Loafers and loafing have been around since the days Jesus walked the earth. You can find references to “loafing,” in the Book of Proverbs, but loafers are referred to as “slothful” persons. So be proud. Can any of those callus members of society who are persecuting you and your fellow loafers have such a claim as to be mentioned in the Bible?

5. A Joyful Loafer – is always a welcomed loafer, to any group of loafers anywhere in the country, or world for that matter. There are loafers all across Europe and they are proud of their place in society. But in their society, they are revered and respected, not like the United States who “cast stones,” at the poor loafer who is only congregating with other loafers, not plotting the overthrow of a Democratic society as we know it.

6. Never Lose Sight – of the fact that it does not take a big group of loafers to be a Professional Loafer. I have witnessed three or four guys sitting on, of all things, a “Loafer’s Bench,” in our own court house in Hamilton, Alabama, and they loafed for the better part of the day. (In my whittling hub, I mentioned a good friend of mine, Mr. Largus Clark, who was also a Professional Loafer as well as a sharp knife trader.) So be happy if you have one or two loafers to loaf with. Soon it will grow when other loafer wannabe’s see how important you are as a loafer.

7. Never Give-in – to your severe-critics who write you as a no good, lazy bum. If you were not on your way to being a Professional Loafer, would these people be saying these vulgar things to you? No. Just keep in mind that being a Professional Loafer is not an easy road to trod. But it’s worth it.

   Coming soon . . . “How to Be a Fantastic Fly Killer.”