She'd Rather Be Alone

She’s got it, she’s hot, loves me, loves me not

Creating a stir, hey baby, look, give me a shot

All vie for her favor, she throws them a bone

The clamor is deafening, she’d rather be alone

-------------------------------------------------

None to compare, no one’s got what she’s got

Not just the hair, the face and whatnot

Warrior princess, she, no one is her clone

The clamor is deafening, she’d rather be alone

----------------------------------------------------------

The chapter is written, confusion the plot

Cold trailer and clutter, consuming dry rot

No palace to house her, nary a throne

The clamor is deafening, she’d rather be alone

-----------------------------------------------------------

Hand to mouth her survival tied up in a knot

Proud portrait belies what now is forgot

Loving arms around her this mother has known

The clamor is deafening, she’d rather be alone

-----------------------------------------------------------

So, beautiful daughter, I have no blind spot

Save you, I would, I try, but cannot

Lives interrupted, both now on our own

The clamor is deafening, she'd rather be alone

------------------------------------------------------------

Sacrafice like Lambs

42 comments

epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...well first of all Amy - congratulations on the big '50' as in 50 followers - lucky followers they are and they all have good taste too!

You have a songwriter's sensibility which nicely accentuates the poetic side of you and I always love your trademark of 'repeating' the last line - as if it were a chorus. And if you keep writing like this - you will never be alone as I can already see you are commanding quite a following of dedicated readers.

Once again the same adjectives come to mind when I read your work again and again -

- always honest

- always raw with emotional panache

- always with an 'edge' and 'layered tension'

- always engaging

- always Amy!!!!!

...and there's no one quite like her!!!!!!


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I love that word "panache". I rarely hear it, so thank you very much for all of your poetic originality, epigramman. Once again, "museum worthy" comments.

Thank you


BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York

Alone can be good for the soul. You know, my first apartment away from that horrible first marriage, was heaven on earth. No furniture, no TV and two young boys. But the silence, peace and no stress was wonderful. I walked through that place when the boys were asleep that first night saying: "I call this mine, not his, but all mine." I can say that for 11 years, like this poem, I'd rather be alone back then. Great write and I relate to every stanza. Great job, sometimes putting into words just how I felt when first set free, on my own.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I think everyone needs some 'alone'. Some more than others. I think some that know me, worry that I am reclusive, but that's O.K. I use to feel like I had to justify wanting to have time alone. That's the advantage to growing up, you can call your own shots, and, guess what, it's o.k. to say, it's none of your business or better yet, nothing at all! I love your commentary, BobbiRant, and I am happy it struck a cord with you. Thank you


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

I'm an only child, and being alone has always been a good thing when I'm not in the spot light. Unfortunatly there are no in betweens it seems.

This was beautiful. It got down there inside me to a place where I don't venture often. We all love you and your work Amy. I've got no doubt, you're going places with your writing.

jim


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Jim, thank you for your heartfelt and revealing comments. It warms my soul. I'm glad you are my friend.

Rock on like the rockstar you are!


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

I prefers "solitude" to "alone". I can do fine in social settings, bu also enjoy the peace and serenity that only solitude can bring. Thank you for sharing.


Lucky Cats profile image

Lucky Cats 5 years ago from The beautiful Napa Valley, California

As strange as it may seem to some, being alone is sometimes the greatest freedom one can find. to look around and feel unencumbered, with no expectations and no hoops to jump through. I love my lone time, to read, write, just be. I agree with Bobbirant that 'alone can be good for the soul.' Yes. you see what you are capable of, how much more of you there is. I spend much time alone, myself; sometimes, I almost feel frozen in place just thinking, musing, imagining, fantasizing. I'd hate to have to have 'noise' around me all the time..that only serves to help one avoid oneself. Very real and true. Even when forced into a situation of being alone, it can be a good thing in the end. Great one!


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Augustine, this is a very personal piece actually more about my daughter than me, although we are very intertwined. I am finding I prefer "alone" to anything else. I don't know if that's normal or not for what is normal? It is where I feel the safest and my best companion, my dog, waits for me. Life is good for the most part, but I worry about my Megan. Thank you for your perceptive commentary. It is comforting to find that so many of the brightest, most creative people here at the hub share the need for solitude.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Lucky Cats, we are in the same parallel universe. I was just thinking about the freedom of solitude. Strangely, the situation with my neighbor, who is chronically ill, has depleted me of freedom. I left an emotionally destructive second marriage with the sole purpose of living my life and I feel I have taken 100,000 steps backward. This has been a source of extreme stress for me, but I am working through it. Her disease would be the death of me if I allowed the situation to continue as it has been. So, I've had to pull myself up by my bootstraps and be an adult. I still have much to learn, and the journey is winding and difficult for a blockhead like me. But, slowly and surely, I will find my way. Thank you for helping me with you supportive comments and observations. I am eternally grateful for your friendship and care.


Bel Marshall profile image

Bel Marshall 5 years ago from Michigan

I have found that "alone" time is something to be valued.

Also reading the last comment you posted here. You are not a blockhead. It is hard when someone pulls the sympathy card to manipulate someone else.

Baby steps...and stop beating yourself up.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Oh Bel, you touched my heart. You are so right on about the sympathy card. When all other avenues are closed in this dynamic, the manipulator flashes the suicide card as in "no one wants to be around me. I should go". I don't really know what to say...to remain kind but not fake. Thank you for your perception. The blockhead comment is actually a fair assessment of me...I am extremely stubborn...which, at times, has served me well. You are a doll, Bel, and I am so glad I had the good fortune to have met you.


Bel Marshall profile image

Bel Marshall 5 years ago from Michigan

Amy,

I want you to think about something, actually a couple of somethings.

1. Why is her well being more important than your own?

2. Why do you think most people are stunned when someone commits suicide? I'll answer that. Because those who are really going to do it; don't talk about it.

Place value on yourself and quit letting this emotional/energy vampire suck you dry.

OK, inspired for another hub. Take care of you FIRST, you are worthy and deserving of being valued.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

You know, Bel, I've had this discussion with myself after I went for my checkup (I have autoimmune disease also, but the vampire rolls her eyes if I bring that up and dismisses me with "you don't understand, I'm in pain") and my blood pressure as I was telling the nurse about this detrimental part of my life, was at 176/90! I got quiet and thought good thoughts and the nurse retook it and within those 2 minutes, it was normal. I actually had visible proof that the vampire's disease is killing me. So, I backed off. Now, she told me after waking me at 3:00 AM to run to the drugstore to pick up her nausea meds, that she bought me a coat for Christmas. She is a master at upping the ante to regain control. She is on her 3rd home health nurse and the doctor screamed at her non-compliance and quit. So, I am in good company. The problem is that the day I stopped answering my phone, she managed to get her sick ass to my door, whereupon her dog, which I have been walking now for over 3 months, attacked my dog. Bel, I can honestly say I am ashamed at the depth of my dislike. I vascilate between looking for new digs and, well, I'm venting. But, I won't let her do that to me. I know I don't HAVE to answer the door, but can you see the dilemma? What would you do?


Bel Marshall profile image

Bel Marshall 5 years ago from Michigan

Amy,

Turn the tables on her and hold your ground when doing so. Pick up a couple of brochures or even call have them sent for assisted living facilities. Remind her that you will be going back to work and what will she do then? Ask her what will happen if you aren't there?

These facilites work with SSDI, etc... and rent is based on income usually. They have people there 24/7 to attend to the needs of their residents, etc...

If she continues to give you grief, offer to make a call to social services as she clearly can't be on her own and needs help.

I know it sounds harsh but your sanity in the balance here. It's not easy to stand your ground with someone like this but she is taking advantage of you because she has worn out everyone else.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Wow, Bel, your last sentence is exactly what her upstairs neighbor told me. I've told her about getting a job and also suggested assisted living. She is making some phone calls, at least that is what she said. She is looking into paying a dogwalker. I'm just worn out. The one ex nurse told me right before she quit that she felt sorry for me!!! I had already talked to the social worker when I had to lift her after back surgery while she screamed and then watched her nearly overdose on narcotics. I told the social worker I would not put myself in a position whereby I took on more than I am qualified to do. If I wanted to be a home healthcare worker, I'd be getting paid to do it. The social worker went to her car, called about getting someone into her home and then called the neighbor back to tell her they were going to help her in that way, and she told them she didn't want anyone in her home! But, I think now she is beginning to see that if I refuse to enable her, she must do something. Thank you for all of your caring, well informed help. I may get back with you at some point via email, if that is acceptable to you. Thanks, Bel.


Bel Marshall profile image

Bel Marshall 5 years ago from Michigan

Amy,

That is more than acceptable. I agree if you refuse (and remember NO is always an appropriate answer even if she doesn't like it)enable this poor behavior she will be forced to accept something other than running you over and down.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you so much for your professional and very perceptive abilities...and your time. I did not intend to take so much of it. I'll keep you posted and hopefully, my life will be my own for the first time in my life. You are a very smart woman, Bel and your help has been very validating to me.


Bel Marshall profile image

Bel Marshall 5 years ago from Michigan

Amy,

Let's just say in this case I have been there, done that and I have burned the stinking t-shirt. It's not an easy process but it does get easier as you go. :)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

For me to be alone is like being in the promise land after an eternity in a desert. In my 20 years of solitude there were two short phases in which I (deeply depressed) thought I should not be alone, but with a partner. Both times it was interesting and exciting experiences, but in fact merely affirmatives that I should not complicate my life with a fulltime partner. It is too hard work to adapt to them not to talk about making their happiness your first priority. I really have many other more interesting and exiting challenges in my life than men. Every time I give one half a chance to prove to me that he is admirable, respectable and loveable, I am rewarded with shock and disappointment. Bad choices, I know, but how is it possible to know in time whether you have chosen the good? What would you think of a lecturer at a university (that was number one) and a gospel preacher (number two)? Bad choices? You can’t tell before you start living with them if you are able to tolerate their true (mostly boyish) selves. Great poem, and very-very thought-provoking (as you’ve notice in my comment).

Ref your neighbor - I agree wholeheartedly with Bel Marshall. I have stop allowing people to use and abuse me. You should love your fellowman AS you love yourself and not MORE or less than you love yourself.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you for your great commentary, Martie. I agree with you and Bel 100%. My problem is I have lived my whole life dominated by someone. I gave away my youth to 2 ex-husbands, neither good for me, both controlling in different ways. I am trying to break out of old patterns that make me very unhappy and unable to live my life my way. It seems to me that the "vampires" of the world have heat seeking missiles that enables them to hone in on an easy target. So, though I know intellectually that I cannot give what remains of my life, away, I have been ineffective in distancing myself from users. I am learning, as am the only one that can change these issues. My problem is establishing the boundaries I need to distance those that will suck the life out of me. I have found manipulators move in fast and attempt a hostile takeover. They are difficult to disengage. But, I am making progress because it is my life that is at stake. I refuse to give any more of it away. Thank you for your kindness in sharing your experiences. I truly appreciate your generous spirit.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

Amy, I am just like you. All I can say is practice make perfect. You will forever fall in traps, over and over, but everytime it is easier to free yourself. Only people like us know how many vampiers lives on this planet. They love the blood of soft-hearted women, and of course there are men like us too. My heart is too soft, but thank heavens my mind is too strong. I (the mind) act like a mother to Myself (my heart). Myself is a diligent, kind and hard-working little girl who want to keep everybody happy, but a rebel burning her fingers over and over again, while my mind is a strict mother. I can sense your mind has been made up. Now you can crown it as the mother of that soft heart of yours. It works. Only sometimes not. Then its taking little girl to hospital again to take care of her wounds... :)) Well-well. But you are on the right track. Take care of YOURSELF, for nobody else will do it for you - except when they feel like you about your neighbor. Hugs for you - xxxxx


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Oh, your comments are wise and beautiful. I can tell from your words that you have studied and learned from your experiences well. Your analogy is perfect. I will remember that and use it. Thank you, Martie, for validation and understandig and a new, clear way to look at this. I am so glad I reached out and you cared enough to help me. I am touched by my friends at the hub.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 5 years ago

Great write and I love the music. Thank you Dear!


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I always appreciate a visit from you, Micky Dee. Have a great Christmas!


ralwus 5 years ago

Yeah, ya buy them books and dolls, send to school and this ... I am glad mine are all gone now. No more clamour.


Sunnyglitter profile image

Sunnyglitter 5 years ago from Cyberspace

Nice hub. It's also nice to see another St. Louis person on here.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Ralwus, My daughter, an only, is all grown up and on her own, in her fashion. Now, since my layoff, I am very limited in my ability to help her financially and I continue to worry about her. And the more parents I speak with, I understand that this seems to be a common thread in the rites of parenthood. And so it goes. I should take up drinking.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Glad to meet you, Sunnyglitter. Thanks for your time and comments. Nice snow today, huh? Merry Christmas to you!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

Take up drinking? LOL! That will be the first step to another hell on this earth, Amy. Rather take up the most interesting hobbies, like writing, which you already did, and reading and studying, etc, that can stimulate your mind. Cut the navel string and learn to love her without making her problems yours. She was your problem for 18-21 years, your time to make life easier for her is over now. Sometimes a mother has to be cruel to be kind. It is now time for your daughter to prove herself (to herself), either as a winner or a loser. All you can do is to encourage her to be a winner. After all, you have to keep on proving yourself (to yourself). It is impossible for a mother to prove the abilities of her children, and she should not even try to do it. Take care and enjoy Christmas.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Well, Martie, I was being facetious about the drinking, at my age...I already by a lush! Yes, I agree with you about keeping the brain stimulated. I adore, and have neglected for writing, oil painting. I have actually sold some of my oils, but that is painful for me as whatever dollars you acquire quickly disappears, but art, it's there forever.

As you can probably assume, I've been an enabler all my life. It never solves anything and creates problems far greater than the original that can, potentially, last a lifetime. I agree 100% with your assessment of mothering in theory, and am, at this late stage of the game, taking baby steps and using that knowledge for action. As you know, from things I've written, temporary, quick, easy fixes always comes back to roost. I'm armed with what I know and now need to mount the offensive rather than being defensive. The battle ensues...and I will be victorious!

Thank you for bouying me up with courage. Enjoy your holiday, Martie. I look forward to all of your future writing as you are always an inspiration.


Lucky Cats profile image

Lucky Cats 5 years ago from The beautiful Napa Valley, California

Amy, when you look in the rear view mirror, you'll see wondeful and loving images of yourself! All that you give, all that you share and the sacrifices you make are loving examples of who you truly are! The support and comradship (is this a word!!?) you give to us here at HP's and the heartfelt ways in which you share your true understanding of what others are going through, make you a rare and wonderful soul who we are so fortunate to have met. What you are doing for your neighbor, even so trying at times, will be a sweet memory one day. you'll be forever glad that you helped out. It seems, sometimes...no! maybe MOST of the time, that this life is a very trying and testing environment...and it IS..but, you're riding the wave in grand style and, if there is a thing such as good karma...Amy! You've GOT IT! One day, I'll write a hub about my father, living in my home the last several years of his life...I felt confined and imprisoned st times but, now that that page in my history is past, I am so glad I did what I did for him..and I know you're feeling pressured and that it seems there just isn't enough of you to go around to those in need but, just think how lucky and relieved the people you touch are for that human, humane gesture. Keep your chin up, my dear...."this,too, shall pass."

Kathy


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Kathy, Thank you so much for your compassionate words. I look forward to your hub about being the caretaker for your father. I wanted to tell you about a hubber I discovered not long ago Her name is Jaynie2000 and she has the most beautiful piece about that very topic. I think you would truly love her. She, like you, has a heart of gold. It's funny, because my neighbor is, of course, stuck in her apartment as was I, for different reasons. She wanted me to come over so I did. She gave me the only gift I unwrapped this year...a beautiful coat that fits like it was made for me. She was so happy to give her gift to me and I tear up as I write this. Today, she is too ill to leave bed. So, you are absolutely correct in your assessment of a difficult situation. Thank you for understanding that my dismay at where my life is right now is not the sum total of who I am. Thank you so much for that, Lucky Cats, because otherwise I couldn't live with myself. You are a wonderful, supportive friend, and right now you recognize that I am like one of your strays, in need of a handout...not forever, but at this moment hanging on for dear life. Thank you for your kindness. It is a lifeline.


arb profile image

arb 5 years ago from oregon

Ah! The thrill and the pain of a parent. Like salt and pepper, what do I put on life today? Well, I've got 4 and 40 years of joy and worry, only to find that in the end, the worry was needless and the joy immeasurable. Why am I still worried?


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

And so it goes, arb. As children grow up, we lose any semblance of control...if we really ever had it beyond school age. It's the not knowing what's around the corner and that in an instant everything can change. Thank you for taking the time to read and your understanding in commentary. I'm anxious to see your writing and will take some time to go to your pages today. Your comments are intriguing artistry.


Christopher Price profile image

Christopher Price 5 years ago from Vermont, USA

Amy,

I am someone who values time to be alone, and I like your poem very much. But after reading all the comments, I'm as impressed by your soap opera situation as much as your verse.

I understand completely the burden you are struggling to shed, the confining and suffocating demands for your time and energy that you are being asked to expend on someone for whom it will never be enough.

Listen to Bel, she is spot on with her analysis and advice.

Your writing reveals you are a sensitive and artistic person, but this neighbor is a succubus and will drain you.

Take care of yourself.

Write on!

CP


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you so much, Christopher. Bel is a wise women and every single comment you saw reveals a wonderful, caring new friend I have made here at the hub. The release of writing and the support of my friends here has given me courage and perspective. When I am able to say "no" and walk away without justifying my position, I will have arrived. Thank you for your understanding, compassion and great advice!


Docmo profile image

Docmo 5 years ago from UK

What can I add to Bel's wonderful analysis and advice?

Amy.. your poem says it all. You are so brave and open and display that emotional core of yours... But perhaps your anger is not at others but at yourself. For letting the heart rule the head. The passion and love rule reason and rebellion.

But while this love can scorch and confound, it is what makes you who you are. Only you alone know the pain of carrying that precious burden inside you, loving that sweet bundle unconditionally, watch it grow and care, turn dependent and despondent, get angry at the ones who love her, and wish somehow you could get into her head and make her see WHAT you can see, feel WHAT you can feel.

But this is what makes you human. The answer perhaps is not to fight it , and frustrate yourself for caring... but in embracing the fact that you do care. Maybe think about how you express this care and affection so it HELPS the other person to grow, to mature and to learn to love you more.

A little bird that refuses to fly and expects to be fed well into its adulthood is not the mother's burden. Nudging it outside the nest is not cruelty. It may flap the wings pitifully and pretend to fall to the ground, but you know it CAN fly and you want it to enjoy the wind in its feathers. So you push a bit more while keeping an eye and making sure it is safe. IT squeals, chirps and ultimately moans that you are trying to kill it by pushing. You don't relent. The little bird finally knows there is no other alternative than to flap its wings and take flight. IT may feel aggrieved. But later , much later it will fly back to the nest and perhaps thank the motherbird for teaching the lesson of flight.

Threats, 'you don't care's', emotional blackmails are all the outward signs of innermost insecurities. show that you know this.

Dont' fight the battle SHE wants, in her arena. Take her out to your place, the place where you show how brave, how loving, how hard you have been in order to give her the best.. and maybe.. just maybe.. things will turn around.

But most of all, don't be afraid of caring, of responding, of reacting and loving despite all. Because that is the essence of that glorious entity called the Mother... ( and I wish I still had mine!)

Here endeth the Sermon! (Really Sorry! couldn't help to the see the pain and conflict in this piece of work...)

Love, Mohan.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Mohan, you see it exactly as it is and I thank you for caring enough to help me through the conflict and love. It is a tightrope I walk. Walking on eggshells sometimes feels like the only way I can walk with my daughter as I've been so afraid of alienating her. But, my rational brain knows that it is no more likely she will stop loving me than me not loving her. I know it won't happen. I have frustrated others in my obstinate, difficult to convince, mindset regarding my daughter. It is similar to my inability to turn away from a stray, homeless animal. Despite my ex's distaste for my continuing insistence on helping them, in the least offending way for him, I could not just walk away. Consequently, I had an aquatic turtle, homeless bunny, castaway pup, and a stray cat. I digress.

I do know that enabling is tantamount to encouraging dependence. Thank you for your sincere concern and loving words of help. I appreciate you.


michaelheemson 4 years ago

hi there gerry sorry iv took so long i think this is the link

filling address ,give them a call ,say I told you to ring


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

...well you know me by now Amy - I love rescuing some of the older babies and go diving into the Hub archives for rich buried treasure and most writers/poets I would say are quite taken by this gesture - so without further adieu I will go a little Facebook crazy and share this link of a timeless classic by you and a particular subject which I know is still very personal and dear to you even to this day - so I will grace the group of Maria's (Writing and Music), the Hubpages Group and the Creative Writing with your words, your thoughts, and your sentiments which are always cherished by this humble colleague and friend of yours - lake erie time 3:18pm


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I don't know anyone else, other than you Mister C, that peruses the old files to pull out a plum. I haven't seen this one in a long time myself, and always get a twinge of foreboding when one of my early poetry attempts resurfaces, but I see this rudimentary piece as straightforward and honest still, so I am not too mortified! LOL

Thank you for your support, the feeling that you have my back and your kindness, Colin. You are the best!

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