Simple Things You Can Do To Be a Horrible House Guest

How long can you stand people who smile all of the time?
How long can you stand people who smile all of the time?
What a loving family.
What a loving family.

Please allow me to

ask you a question. "Have you ever attended so many house or dinner parties that you were ill with boredom?" Come on. You know that you can tell me the truth. I know that in my time I have attended a lot of get -together's and with each one, the personal dread became greater and greater and I started telling my parents a lot of white lies in order to allow me to stay home.

I mean it was virtually the same thing with each gathering. Everyone talked about the same topics until each topic was exhausted. Literally. It was enough to make even Job, the Biblical "champion of patience" cringe with mental torment.

My family and I would go inside the hosts' house, sit down, eat a meal and I ate a lot less at their house than I did mine I assure you. Then the hours of mundane talk would start. What about John Kennedy? What about his stance on Cuba? And on and on it went.

What positive people. Even their dog is positive.
What positive people. Even their dog is positive.

To show you

that I care about others, I am here to share something with you that will be the end of you having to attend those neighborhood house parties and it will not cost you one cent. It will though, cost you some respect, but over a certain period of time, the people you offend will forgive you. It works that way sometimes.

My thinking is this: As long as you remain nice, pleasant, and giving, you will always have to endure these dinner parties and like me, eat less that you would if you were at home. But if you can be like Marvel Comics' Dr. David Banner aka/ incredible Hulk, your boredom and worry days will be over.

And all you will have to do is follow the things on this list that I entitle . . .

Simple Things You Can Do To Be a Horrible House Guest

But before I begin to teach you how to not be forced into attending any house or dinner party, let me tell you what it will required of you:

  • A sense of bravery--you have to be able to not back down no matter how ugly the other dinner guests along with the hosts talk to you.
  • A stone face able to glare at someone and they apologize.
  • An ability to break dishes, put out your cigar on the coffee table and not feel any remorse.
  • The talent to remain very still while those around you are huddling-up and making plans to kick you to the curb.

When you first arrive

at the dinner party and the pretty hostess says, "welcome, Jim." You growl, "Yeah, yeah, yeah," and stomp over to the television and if SportsCenter is not on, turn away from the Hallmark movie that a few ladies were enjoying and put your feet up on your host's coffee table and relax.

  • When another guest who knows you says, "Jim, how have you been?" You glare at him and reply, "Why? Are you writing a book?"
  • By now, your name is being whispered around the house as "a total jackass" and not the same man as you used to be.
  • Light-up your smelly cigar and blow the smoke in any direction you choose and if someone gently asks you, "would you mind putting that out?" You take another big puff and blow it in their face as you say, "Yeah, I would mind."
  • Pull off your shoes and let the obnoxious aroma of your smelly feet get to drifting around the room. Pay no attention to those who hold their noses while looking at you. Just stare at them and continue to relax.

Finally, it's dinner time

and to start being so horrible that people are now dreading to sit near you. You see? My plan is working great. Sure you are tempted to tell people that you are sorry, but do not give in to this temptation or you will be stuck with going to more and more parties that are grating on your nerves worse than a cat sliding down a tin roof.

  • You sit where you please at the dining table although there are a few elderly people present. You act as if you don't care.
  • Then you start piling your plate full of the good eats. And to make yourself look even worse, you start eating long before everyone else has even sit down.
  • The hostess who will soon be your "ex" friend whispers, "Jim, is something wrong?" "Hey, why don't you get over there and take care of those elderly free-loaders who just conned their way in here," you snap with a mouthful of potato salad.
  • One man near your age and is in good shape has had enough and says to you, "Pal, why don't you settle down or you and I will have trouble!" You slam down your fork and reply, "Okay. You want trouble now? I don't care." The man backs down which plays in your favor to be a horrible house guest.
  • One plateful is not enough, so you load your plate up again and spill a lot of the soup and meats on others' hands who are reaching for food. You laugh at them for looking so irritated.
  • You yell at the hostess, "Hey, Jill! You got any cold beer I can wash this stuff down with?"

How others will react to your being a horrible house guest

Even easy-going Cindy Crawford will curse you out.
Even easy-going Cindy Crawford will curse you out.
Even kids will hate you.
Even kids will hate you.
Men will threaten you with bodily-injury.
Men will threaten you with bodily-injury.
You will be yelled at.
You will be yelled at.
Women will throw fits because you are at a certain party.
Women will throw fits because you are at a certain party.
These people were so angry at how you treated them, they went home and stayed there.
These people were so angry at how you treated them, they went home and stayed there.
Even the Archie Manning family are in shock at someone being as rude as you.
Even the Archie Manning family are in shock at someone being as rude as you.
The smiles on this family's faces will soon turn to frowns when they see you.
The smiles on this family's faces will soon turn to frowns when they see you.
This lady is about to send you packing.
This lady is about to send you packing.
Stone Cold Steve Austin may be the oly one to stand up to you.
Stone Cold Steve Austin may be the oly one to stand up to you.
People like these will not like seeing you drive up at their home.
People like these will not like seeing you drive up at their home.

Now it's after dinner

and time to retire to the living room for relaxing, talking and fellowship with other guests. But not for you. It's time you kicked your "horrible house guest" act into high gear. The other people have not seen your worst.

  • You stand up without warning and ask loudly, "Anyone want to see this huge boil that is growing on my butt? Man, am I in pain."
  • With no one wanting to see your boil, you pull off your pants and say, "What a decent dinner, Jill. I must have had three plates. And I want your left-overs for a midnight snack."
  • Jill, the hostess says, "But Jim, those left-overs were for the needy people down at the mission." You laugh and say, "Well, I get needy around midnight, so do not pack up any left-overs for those people who are better off than I am."
  • Now you start a controversial discussion on being "pro war" and you see lots of faces with frowns on them, but you continue to make point after point about America's role in going to war anywhere in the world.
  • Jill, your hostess' pet dog, "Mickey," tries to be friendly with you, but you kick him in the side and he runs away crying. Jill is fuming.
  • "Mack," the man who tried to challenge you at dinner walks over to you and says, "Listen, buddy. We are growing weary of your ill manners and disrespect, so would you please head for home?" You smile at "Mack" and reply, "Hey, look at what I found under this couch?" "Mack" is very gullible and looks into your closed hand and you hit him in the chin so hard that he almost faints.
  • Some other guys are watching football highlights on SportsCenter and you see a play that you do not like so you grab a crystal ashtray and hurl it at the television and break the 60-inch screen into little pieces.

Other things you can do to

be the most "horrible house guest" are . . .

  • Belching every few minutes and saying what a great dinner it was.
  • Going to the bathroom and smelling-up the house so much that some couples decide that they have had enough and leave.
  • You see a dart board and some darts and for your sake, the dart board is hanging over some guests who are talking. After you throw a hand full of darts over their heads, they leave their chairs in fear and go into hiding.
  • You become missing and then "Jill," your hostess catches you going through her dresser drawers admiring her underwear and silk negligees.
  • After "Jill" almost curses you out, you then head back to the kitchen to grab your third beer to drink while eating a drumstick from the turkey that was served at dinner. You say, "I shouldn't do this, but I love turkey."
  • When an hour passes, you go from couple to couple asking if they will loan you $5.00 for cab fare. And you will not take no for an answer.
  • You pull down around $100.00 and you then to back to the same couples and suggest that due to their age, they need to head home.
  • "Jill" is so angry that she is tempted to tell her husband to kick your butt, but she is a lady and doesn't want the image of being a woman without self-control.
  • By now "Jill" and "David's" children are up and needing to eat. You speak to the kids and bellow, "Nice kids, 'Jill.' Who is their father?"

Now that you have did most of the things on the list in this hub,

How does it feel to be completely-free of such boring events as the dinner parties that you once attended?

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Comments 9 comments

RGNestle profile image

RGNestle 16 months ago from Seattle

I just want to say, I have followed your lifestyle advice for almost a year now and things aren't getting any better for me.

I now live in a secluded, abandoned mobile home in the woods and fear any form of human contact. This could be due to the wandering gangs of former friends who seem to be upset at me for some reason or another. Most, apparently, feel I owe them money or that I should have acted differently in their homes or returned certain things which I have borrowed (I believe, if you didn't want me to keep your Mustang Fastback, you shouldn't have loaned it to me in the first place!)

When will life improve? All of the people in your lifestyle articles seem so happy! What am I doing wrong?

Well, gotta go. I hear one of my perimeter alarms (old bean cans tied to some string) going off. The mob is back. Time to run for my life again.

Until next time, tootles!


Kenneth Avery 16 months ago

Hello, RGNestle,

It would appear on the surface that you might be a bit unsure or paranoid about your totally-new lifestyle. You used the word 'secluded.' Well, this is a good indicator of may be you followed my advice in "How to Enjoy Life Without Crowds" or something similar. But that security system, the bean cans is a stroke of genius. I mean it. Not even Stephen Hawking could have hit on such a feasible system.

Another sign that you are actually afraid to embrace your new-found freedom is those gangs of ex-friends who are messing with your mind in getting you to think that you owe them money.

Listen. You have to just man-up. You owe these people nothing. Just because you were at a lavish dinner party at one of their lavish homes and when you got home, (a duplex over the 'Super T' Truckstop "We Love Truckers") that you discovered $200.00 just sitting very content in your shirt pocket. You are a blessed man, RG. It's these gangs are jealous of your success and boldness to live a life on your terms.

I would say that you are progressing, but remember. Sometimes the steps of progress cannot be seen or heard.

Talk at you later. And next time, you can define "tootles" for me.

And thanks for your very interesting comment. Come back and visit anytime you like.


Steel Engineer profile image

Steel Engineer 16 months ago from Kiev, Ukraine

RGNestle, You gave me a good laugh this morning. Ah... thank you!


Dana Tate profile image

Dana Tate 16 months ago from LOS ANGELES

I think a lot of the people who came to stay with me must have known your secrets on how to be a horrible house guest. I was glad to see them come and happier to see them go. Most of my house guests, mainly family, ate all my food, left messes for me to clean up, and gave me advice I neither wanted, or appreciated. I must stop here I'm getting depressed. Loved this article though.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 16 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Dana Tate,

This is uncanny of you to think so like me in my tips to people who want to shake things up and actually be lonely and never invited to house parties.

Thank you for saying that one about giving advice you never asked for or needed. I have been there and now so glad that I just pretended to listen.

Thanks, dear Dana, for all of your sweet comments and cherished friendship.


Genna East profile image

Genna East 16 months ago from Massachusetts, USA

Lol...very funny! And very true. :-)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 16 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, my good friend, Genna East,

Thank you for your lovely comment.

I am always thankful for being able (with God's grace) to help someone have a laugh. If I can do that, then being on HP is worth it.

Have a Great Saturday my good friend and visit with me anytime.


aviannovice profile image

aviannovice 16 months ago from Stillwater, OK

This was a riot, and hopefully nobody will be arrested after all this, namely the perpetrator...


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 16 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, aviannovice,

Just want to give you my sincere thanks for a sweet comment that made my evening. I appreciate it so much.

And let's you and I pray for this "perpetrator." And you can visit with me anytime you like.

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