The 10 Dumbest Fantasies That I Have Ever Had

The late mafia godfather, John Gotti
The late mafia godfather, John Gotti
Throwing a poisonous cobra into the crowd
Throwing a poisonous cobra into the crowd
Interrupting a famous ballet on Broadway
Interrupting a famous ballet on Broadway
Stopping a heavyweight boxing match and daring the boxers to fight me
Stopping a heavyweight boxing match and daring the boxers to fight me

I would like to start off "The 10 Dumbest Fantasies I've Ever Had," with

1. CATCHING MAFIA KINGPIN, JOHN GOTTI

and his bodyguards out in public and running up to him and yelling, "Hey, you! The guy with the big gut! You are nothing but a panty waist. You are lucky that your bodyguards are with you."

2. BARGING INTO (A) LADIES ROOM

at any restaurant or bar and just looking like I belonged in there while the ladies are screaming and calling for the manager.

3. DRESSING UP LIKE A VIET CONG

soldier and running my car through the guarded-gates at Parris Island, South Carolina, the site for Marine boot camp training. I would yell out in Viet Cong, "you are American dogs!" and fly the Viet Cong flag running from guards and whatever angry Marines were chasing me.

4. ATTENDING A HIT BROADWAY PLAY

and in the crucial scene, run onto the stage and start singing, "Pretty Woman," by the late Roy Orbison.

A rough biker gang
A rough biker gang

5. PUSHING MY WAY INTO THE MIDDLE OF A BIKER GANG
flex my muscles and say, "Who's the leader of this rag-tag, poor excuse for a biker gang?" "Let me see him for I can whip anyone in this gang without breaking a sweat!"

6. BREAKING A WHISKEY BOTTLE

over the head of a notorious Columbia drug lord in front of his crew.

The owners of American Jewelry and Pawn, Detroit, Michigan, seen on Hardcore Pawn (from left) Seth Goldman, Les Goldman, and Ashley Goldman Broad
The owners of American Jewelry and Pawn, Detroit, Michigan, seen on Hardcore Pawn (from left) Seth Goldman, Les Goldman, and Ashley Goldman Broad

THE GOLDMANS (ABOVE)


are seen weekly on Hardcore Pawn. They are cast as themselves and are as rough as a corn cob. They tell their customers "it's our way or the highway," and they mean it. My Number Seven Dumbest Fantasies I've Ever Had is . . .

to walk briskly into their pawn shop carrying an old poster I got off a back lot fence and demand them to pay me a thousand dollars for it. When they, the Goldmans object, I will turn into a smart alec and say, "I am not going to leave unless you pay me." And will back that up with, "I am highly-trained in Kung Fu, Judo and Karate, so take my word. I am very rough." What would they do to me? Any guesses?

BORROW MONEY TO TRAVEL TO INDIA
"Snake Charming Capital of The World," and bully my way through a crowd who are enjoying the talents of a local snake charmer and while I push him away, "you want to see real talent? Huh?" "Well, I am about to take this cobra in my bare hands and throw it into the crowd and see who is the bravest and not run!"

DURING THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
with Nick Saban's Crimson Tide of Alabama playing some other college team, con my way to the Bama sideline and get in Saban's face and bark, "You need to sit down, little guy, before I straighten you out!"

RUN UP AND DOWN MAIN STREET IN DALLAS, TEXAS
waving my arms and yelling to the top of my lungs, "this is the nastiest town I have ever seen!" "Someone call an exterminator. The smell of this town is worse than road kill."


Readers, do YOU think that I am foolish or just plain dumb?

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Comments 6 comments

John Holden profile image

John Holden 2 years ago

Most, if not all, of those are not fantasies. Nothing to stop you apart from social convention and fear of an early death.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

Kenneth, write all these "fantasies" down on pieces of paper, put them in a hat and choose one without looking...then do it! We only live once, and think of the adrenalin rush.


mgt28 profile image

mgt28 2 years ago

Catching John Gotti would have been fantastic , I am sure he would have been impressed by the courage.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

John,

Point. Game. Match.

Early death is a great fence keeping me from doing something dumb.

Thanks.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Jodah,

Are you serious?

That in itself would take a lot of nerve on my part and at my age now, I simply do not have it.

But thanks for the input.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, mgt28,

Concerning your remark about Gotti, courage? Maybe. But I can just see him winking at one of his gorilla bodyguards and without using a gun, I get body-slammed on the New York concrete.

And Gotti steps over me and gets into his limo and life goes on.

But thank you for trying to make me feel good.

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