The 13 Mistakes You Made to Get Expelled From College in Two Days
Your future "did" seem bright
Ever since you were in the first grade, you have dreamed, and longed for this day. All through high school, you had a near-consuming fire to make it to this day: your first day of college. You have, over the years, put many dogs to shame for working harder than they ever dreamed to wake-up one morning and proclaim, “I am now a college student, world! Look at me!”
Getting here took a lot of work. Very hard work. You had to labor long, lonesome hours absorbing textbooks, notes, and research in order to keep your grades at just the right level to be accepted to a four-year college where you are going to do more work for your degree in Social Government. Are you excited? You bet you are.
Your dorm room had giant roaches living there
You lose your only friend for telling her about a gap in her teeth, but turns out it was only a Spanish olive
Leaving for a new life
You hardly slept a wink last night for dwelling on the next four years of your life, now called the College Life. Studying, working, listening to noted professors, belonging to a prestigious frat house, going to ballgames and oh, those wild frat parties with gorgeous girls galore. No wonder you are up eyes wide-open and with your car all packed, you embrace your parents and console your mom, “It’s just for four years, mom. And I will call you and be home on some weekends and on holidays, now you settle down,” then you are off to “jump in with four feet,” and start your journey down the pathway to higher learning.
Driving down the road you start settling into your reborn stage as a college freshman. You are wearing cool college attire and now you push a Hootie and The Blowfish into your CD player. Yeah, you are now a college man for sure. You will attack this four-year challenge just like you did grade school and high school—with a tenacity and perseverance unequalled to anyone. Actually, you pray that college will be a bit harder than your previous school years. You love a good challenge. So now you just sigh and relax and let your spirit soar high for in a few hours, you will be arriving at the college you applied for and was accepted instantly. No one has ever been accepted instantly in the history of this college that dates back to the 1700’s.
The fight you lost to a senior didn't help you
You lose a beer-guzzling contest before going to class one morning
So I will not bore you with the involved-details, I am going to skip ahead eight hours and pick-up your story there. There were some things that you did that you will not, any way soon, forget as long as you draw breath.
You are in shock as you sit in your car waiting to calm down before you head back home to mom and dad. After the things you did, you were instantly-expelled from this institute higher learning just as instantly you were accepted. If it makes you feel any better, no one in this school’s history (that dates back to the 1700’s) has ever been expelled instantly.
Before you start your car engine, a well-dressed senior at this college walks briskly up to your car. He holds in his hand your papers that say you were expelled and why. The list of things you did is entitled . . .
The 13 Mistakes You Made to Get Expelled From College In Two Days
You do stupid stunts to make friends
Students make you a laughing-stock at a pep rally
Someone plants a tarantula in your dresser drawer
You say an inappropriate phrase to a group of girls
Some prankster gives you the wrong directions
You pass out in a bar and get asked to leave
This is how a professor treats you after you ask too many stupid questions
This is what you think when you see your first semester schedule
You open a door for a female student not knowing she is a feminist
You hitch a ride with two girls, but your body odor is so bad from the backseat, they stop and put you out of their car
This is you after getting chewed-out by one of your instructors
- Upon entering the Registration Office, someone hit you in the head with a piece of lumber. Then laughs at you lying on the floor. Of course you asked why they did that. A burly-looking guy says, “Look at the sign on your back that says, “Bust Me Over The Head With a Piece of Lumber.” At least the sign didn’t say, “Kick Me!”
- You compose yourself then present your admission papers to the admissions officer. She looks at your paperwork. Then with a stunned-look asks, “Is your name really, ‘I.M. A. Crotch?” You look shocked now. “No, ma’am. My name is ‘Buster Buttback.” She suspects she is being pranked and talks hateful to you. You lose your temper and say, “Who did you pay to get this job?”
- When you leave her office, you see a group of lovely cheerleaders underneath a big shade tree practicing their cheers. Without realizing it, you get caught-up in their energy and say, “Yes, girls! Jump really high so I can see your gymnastics!” One cheerleader (not knowing that gymnastics mean) punches you in the face.
- Walking away from the cheerleaders rubbing the red splotch on your cheek, you run into a literary professor and he tells you what a brute you are. You apologize, but it’s too late. You find out later that he is on the Admissions and Expelling Committee. Need I say that you are headed toward being “doomed?”
- Now you are really down and out. You head to the Information Center to find out how to rent a dorm room, but as soon as you see the building, a black and white Yorkie bursts from the hedges and bites you several times on the knee, hand and legs. “Get away from me you filthy mongrel!” you scream. “I beg your pardon, ‘doofus,’ he is not a mongrel,” a stately-looking woman says rebuking you. “And just who are you?” you ask. “I am Mrs. Katherine Jane Dingleworth, the dean’s wife.” Tears suddenly come to your eyes.
- Upon meeting with the Housing Officer, you begin filling-out the paperwork for a dorm room. When he asks you for a deposit of $500.00, you snap. Then accuse him of loan-sharking. In moments you are introduced to the campus security guards, “Jake Steele,” and “Tom Rock,” two ex-Navy SEALs.
- You were not brought-up to be a quitter, so you knock on the door of the nearest frat house to seek shelter. You are in luck. This frat’s president, holding a beer in his hand, invites you in to compete in their weekly “Chugging Contest,” and if you chug nine beers, you can get a room in the frat. When you get to your sixth-brew, you spew vomit and the fried eggs and ham you had for breakfast all over their floor.
- What a great idea you have for a roof over your head. You find a warm and dry place underneath a bridge near the campus and unload your belongings and sit down to rest. Not bad, you think to yourself. Then things go dark. You awake an hour later with a burly-looking bum standing over you with a billy club in his hand. “This be my place, idiot. I don’t want you stinking up my joint!”
- Now you are desperate. So you make friends with a cool dude, “Frankie,” who lets you stay in the back of his Pontiac station wagon. “Frankie,” is really a nice guy, you think. But that night, this “nice guy,” makes a move on you and proclaims, “I am so glad that you are gay, my friend.” After you convince him that you are not gay, later on that night you discover that he has four personalities.
- Living in the college boiler room isn’t that bad. It saves you a ton on rent and gas on your car which is now in an impound because it was towed when you left the Admissions Office in a mad huff. Then you show-up for your first class, Early Pioneer American History. The class seems friendly. The professor, “Professor. J.W. King,” an African-American is instantly-insulted with the black coal dust you got from the boiler and forgot to wipe it off. He thinks you are making light of him and curses you out in front of the class.
- Later that day, an humble-looking student approaches you and confides that he has heard of the problems you are having at the college. He says if you will deliver a note for him to the inside linebacker of the college team and he, the humble student will allow you to live with him in his apartment. Being a good guy, you deliver the note to the inside linebacker, “Gorilla Taylor,” who was bullying the humble student and the note says, “Gorilla, you are not only a filthy swine, but you smell like a dead opossum.”
- You are asked to leave the cafeteria the next day at lunch for having such an offensive body odor. But this is not really your fault being that there is no showers or bathroom in the boiler room.
- The next day, you look decent and have your positive attitude working for you. A group of guys is standing near the Science Building and they all look disappointed. You cannot help but ask why. The leader of this group tells you that they are failing at making a funny prank call to a friend. This is your chance to make points with some of the students, so you dial the number they have written on a piece of paper and after two rings, an angry man answers the phone. You say, “Were you born dumb or do you work at it?” The students roll on the ground in laughter. Then, out of sheer curiosity, you ask, “Sir, who are you?” “I am Dean Jamison Dingleworth.” You hang up quickly and start feeling foolish.
Being expelled isn’t so bad. But only in two days? Hey, cheer up. There is no shame in being a hobo.
Coming soon . . .”The Harmless Pranks My Friends and I Pulled at the Ford Drive-In”
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