Is this the Most Ridiculous Story Ever Told?

A daring, dastardly plot is devised

Do you like a good yarn? An epic story of heroic deeds, of dastardly villains, intrigue, mystery and suspense? Well I have just such a story for you. In fact it is so well constructed that many people believe it is actually true; even though it can’t possibly be true, people will still believe what they want to believe.

So here it is.

Once upon a time there was a man with a long grey beard. He wore a turban and lived in a cave in the mountains in a land far away. He was a villain and I assure you he was most dastardly! His name was Oiva Been Lafin . He was also a very jealous man.

One day he looked across the big sea and he spied two great tall twin towers of steel and glass glistening in the sunshine. “Here am I living in a cave, when those people live in luxury. This is not just”, he said to himself. His resentment and his jealousy grew. Every time he spied those great twin towers, he became more and more poisoned by his jealousy, until one day, he hatched a plan.

“I will destroy those towers, the symbols of their wealth and power” he said. “I will raise them to the ground”.

He gathered his followers around him, and told them of his plan.

“We will take to the sky in great birds and crash into these towers and bring them tumbling to the ground” he told them.

His followers, some of whom were quite well educated, looked at each other quizzically.

“But, Sir, we know something of these towers. They were designed to withstand multiple crashes from big birds. Plus they are made of interlocking steel girders and are immensely strong. They will never collapse.”

“And Sir, the airspace surrounding those towers is the most heavily defended in the world. We would never get even close before being shot out of the sky”

“And Sir, who will fly these great birds. We have no-one capable of such a thing, we are but simple shepherds”

Oiva Been Lafin raised his hands to the sky. “Oye, oye. These are mere details. If God is with us, then we shall prevail. Our cause is just, and so we must prevail”. He would hear no more excuses, and set about drawing up his plan. It went like this.

He would send some of his shepherds secretly across the big sea to learn how to fly the big birds. These shepherds would then steal three big birds, take to the skies and then fly them into the towers. The towers would collapse and he would be hailed from then on as “Oiva (the Just) Been Lafin”.

Under cover of darkness . .

So the very next day, under cover of darkness, his shepherds crossed the big sea. They then secretly enrolled on a big bird pilot training course. They knew nothing of the complexities of flying big birds, but due to their diligence and two whole weeks of full-time training, they soon felt ready to carry out their dastardly deed.

On the day in question, the shepherd pilots crept into the airport to steal three big birds. Fortunately for them, just as they entered the airport, all of the security staff at the airport had a bad case of tummy upset. So the bathrooms were full, but the airport was empty. What a stroke of luck!

The three shepherd pilots took to the controls of the big birds and flew them up into the sky. Fortunately for them, at that precise moment, all the staff of air traffic control turned away from their monitors to watching a football game on TV, and never noticed the big birds flying past. Another stroke of luck! Maybe OBL was right after all, and God was indeed smiling on his venture.

The three big birds continued on their way, and soon they approached the city limits. Fortunately, just at the moment when the big birds flew by, the entire air defence force of the city, who are normally so vigilant, decided to take an afternoon siesta (well it was a very hot day) and so, were snoring sweetly as the big birds flew past. No-one saw or heard a thing. Another stroke of luck!

On they flew, and soon the twin towers came into view, standing majestically before them, their glass windows shimmering in the bright sunlight. Still there was no intercept from the air defences of the city. The shepherd pilots were now free to complete their heinous deed. But they had a problem. You see, despite two full weeks of training, they really had no idea how to carry out the extremely complicated turn to crash into the towers. So they took their hands off the controls, closed their eyes and prayed. A few seconds later, something incredible, you could say miraculous, happened. The big birds began to turn all by themselves, as if being guided by invisible hands, and swooped down towards the towers.

With deadly accuracy, the big birds plunged into the towers unleashing a ball of flame. The birds came to a juddering halt, their wings broken off. Somehow the shepherd pilots had survived. They waited, hoping that the buildings would collapse, but nothing happened. There was a fire and a lot of smoke, but the buildings stood strong, virtually unharmed.

They peered out of the windows towards the ground, far below. There was not even a tremor from the buildings which stood firm, as solid as ever. What were they to do? They had failed in their mission, and their illustrious leader would not be pleased. They were frantic and began arguing amongst themselves. In the confusion one of the shepherd pilots dropped his passport out of the window and watched as it floated to the ground.

A Most Timely divine intervention

Then they all dropped to their knees and began to pray once more. After what seemed like an age, they heard explosions coming from the floors below them; many explosions, one after the other. They did not understand, but they did not care. As quick as lightening, the building began to collapse.

“Praise be to God and His divine powers of controlled demolition” the shepherd pilots shouted in unison, “for He has listened to our prayers and smiled upon our venture”. This was the last thing they said, as soon they were engulfed in smoke, and thousands of tons of steel melted around them and crashed to the ground. In a matter of seconds, all that remained of the immense towers was molten steel, dust and rubble. Somehow, miraculously, the entire building had been destroyed – it truly was an act of God.

Back in his cave in a land far away, Oiva Been Lafin heard the news. He smiled to himself for he was well pleased.

“Praise be to God” he said raising his hands to the heavens. “Faith can not only move mountains, but it can also cause thousands of tons of steel to be pulverised in an instant. All praise to the unlimited power of the One God and from now all shall know me as Oiva (the Just) Been Lafin.

Later that day, he heard that another building near the twin towers, known as building 7, had also completely collapsed. This building had not even been touched by his big birds. “Oye, oye” he said, as he raised his hands to the heavens again and shouted with glee. “A bonus from God!”

He smiled broadly to himself, for he was very well pleased.

And he lived happily ever after.


Copyright (c) 2013-2014. All rights reserved.

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