The Lighter Side of Security - Funniest Incident Of All Time

DISCLAIMER - NAMES AND LOCATIONS MAY HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO THE PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF PERSONS AND/OR ORGANIZATIONS. THE DETAILS HAVE NOT BEEN CHANGED BECAUSE THEY WERE JUST WAY TOO FUNNY.

I've worked in the hospitality security field for some time, and most of the time it's uneventful. But every once in a while you get an incident that sticks with you. This is one of those moments, it's a story I've told a dozen times, and it just keeps getting funnier every time I tell it.

NOTE: Any time I put in a NOTEthat means that this is crucial information that should be remembered for later reference, because if you don't remember, it's not going to be nearly as funny.

At a luxurious Florida resort (That will not be named for liability purposes), I was working as a graveyard security officer. As I was walking around doing my normal rounds, I received a call that there was a man sleeping in a walkway.

Though this may seem odd to you, this was a pretty normal call, and one I've recieved many times before and since. On arriving to the scene, I found a man who appeared to be in his late twenties or early thirties sleeping in the middle of a brick walkway.

Note; he was wearing only a pair of khaki shorts, and tennis shoes.

After several attempts to wake the man I advised the (presumably sleeping) man that if he did not wake up that I would be forced to call the police and have him taken to detox. At this point the man shot bolt upright and began running away from me (in zig zags, as he was clearly very intoxicated)

Only moments later he ran straight into a palm tree at full (intoxicated zig zag) speed. He struck the tree with such force that I thought for sure that he had knocked himself out cold. But to my surprise he bounced off the tree, spun around and continued running. It was only a few brief moments later that he struck a brick wall with about the same (drunken zig) force. I was convinced that this time he would go down for sure. Again I was proven wrong as he once again bounced and spun his way off the wall and continued running. I followed close behind (walking, because intoxicated zig zag running is not very fast) the entire time saying calmly (and shaking my head) "sir, sir, please stop sir. Just stop and talk to me sir. Sir, sir, sir." (that may not be an exact quote, but you get the idea)

He ran (zagged) through the courtyard and found the door to the stairwell for the main guest building.

He made his way (slowly) up to the 3rd floor before exiting the stairwell.

NOTE: There is a walkway from this building to the lobby on the 2nd floor with an awning over top. Please note that we were now on the 3rd floor. Not the 2nd floor

At this point the man began checking doors trying to get one to open. At this point I informed the gentlemen that we were at 100% occupancy, and if one of the doors opened that I may have to use force to ensure that he does not enter an occupied room. At this point I learned two things. I knew that he spoke English, and was coherent enough to understand a little about what was going on as he stopped trying to open doors. From this I made the determination to go ahead and call the police to have this guy picked up.

This was about the time we reached the walkway across to the lobby (see NOTE above). Where our friend decided that his "daring escape" would include running across the TOP of the awning to the roof of the adjacent building.

Once again I was positive that this was the end of our dimwitted friend as he had so far NOT displayed the ability to run in a straight line. But to my surprise, he not only made it across safely, but did so with the balance and agility of a practiced awning runner.

NOTE: Now atop the roof of the lobby and ballrooms, there were two ways down. Back the way he came, and a ladder which was locked.

I made my way down to the 2nd floor (as I am not a practiced awning runner) and went across the walkway to the adjacent building. At this time I had to stop and think for a second as the man was now shimmying down the palm tree. (please refer to prior NOTES now)

Running down yet another flight of stairs I reached the ground level just in time to see my new friend run past me and through a small gap between a (10 foot privacy) fence and the building which led to the rear of the main kitchen.

Knowing that everything was locked back there I made my way slowly through the same gap just to see what he was going to do. I reached the back of the main kitchen and watched as the man climbed up onto the grease bin (about the size of a small dumpster) and attempted to scale the fence (still about an additional foot above his head).

I was surprised to see that he was actually able to hoist himself up, so I readied my keys to open the gate so that I may continue my "pursuit". I was pleasantly surprised as I watched him smack his leg on the fence as he was trying to throw his leg over, fall backwards off the fence, bounce off the grease bin, do about a half spin in the air and land on all fours on the ground.

You may be asking why I was pleasantly surprised. Well, I didn't want to open that gate, it's really heavy.

At this point my friend ran right past me and back out of the gap exiting the kitchen area. I followed, and watched as he wrapped his arm around the same tree he had only minutes ago shimmied down, spin himself three hundred and sixty degrees around before landing face first in the planter.

And at this point was the first time I touched this man, when I put my foot on his rear as he was attempting to get back up, and pushed him back down. Telling him that he need to stay right there.

A few minutes later a Police officer arrived and picked the man up from the planter. When he saw the man his only question was "What did you do to this guy?"

I examined him briefly and gave the following description.

"Well, I think the cut on his cheek was when he ran into that palm tree over there. I think the swelling on his forehead was from when he ran into the wall right behind that Palm tree, and the deep cuts on his chest would be from when he shimmied down this Palm tree right here"

 We would later find out that the man had warrants for Cocaine possession. Sadly enough, had he just stopped and talked to me, I would have just helped get him where he needed to go.

But the funniest part of all was watching the tape the next day with all my co-workers, as it was almost all caught on camera.