The List of Secrets on How to Be An Annoying Dinner Guest

OTHER WAYS TO BE "AN ANNOYING DINNER GUEST"

Abuse alcohol so much you pass out over your food.
Abuse alcohol so much you pass out over your food.
Make wise cracks about the hostess' looks behind her back.
Make wise cracks about the hostess' looks behind her back.
So what if your food slides onto the table? It's not your table.
So what if your food slides onto the table? It's not your table.
Pour beverages without looking.
Pour beverages without looking.
Bursting styrofoam cups is a great way to show your strength.
Bursting styrofoam cups is a great way to show your strength.
Ignore other guests by playing "Angry Birds" on your phone.
Ignore other guests by playing "Angry Birds" on your phone.
Read the paper when others are talking to you.
Read the paper when others are talking to you.
Mess up your table like a two-year old.
Mess up your table like a two-year old.
Act like Bluto in Animal House.
Act like Bluto in Animal House.
Never smile at the hostess.
Never smile at the hostess.
Serve yourself at dinner parties.
Serve yourself at dinner parties.
Tell people that your belly catches your spills.
Tell people that your belly catches your spills.
Spill on your clean shirt to get attention.
Spill on your clean shirt to get attention.
"Funnel" orange juice like you are dying of thirst.
"Funnel" orange juice like you are dying of thirst.
Guzzle beverages like you were in a college frat house.
Guzzle beverages like you were in a college frat house.
Blow on your food to cool it off.
Blow on your food to cool it off.
Start arguements with older guests.
Start arguements with older guests.

At this time I want to be really honest and sensitive with you. Do not take this as a personal plea for sympathy or pity. For it's not. This is a very sad thing I am about to share with you, that when I say it, I might break down and cry like a newborn baby.


But since I am a grown man, 58 years of age, I guess I can stand a bit more pain, so here goes. In my entire life, I have never been invited to, or taken to a dinner party. Oh, how my heart is breaking now. I wish I had not committed to this subject and just written about "The Joys of Owning a John Deere Tractor," but too late. I've open the can, so might as well deal with it.


Now do not feel that bad for me as I have, as a youth, been taken to a few church suppers and reunion lunches, but never a dinner party. The kind of party where you get to wear new clothes, shoes and sport a fresh haircut from your family barber named, "Lloyd." That kind of party.


If the truth be told, when I was a lad, we didn't have such a thing as a "dinner party" in the south, just breakfast, lunch, and supper. And the occasional visit from the preacher on Sunday after church, but nothing as lavish as a dinner party.


I regret that. I regret that empty place in my life even more when I see celebrities and politicians on my television attending fund-raisers and expensive dinner parties to honor one of their own famous friends and there I sit. Never knowing what it's like to taste food that is eaten at dinner parties. I may never get to enjoy that pleasure.


So what option do I have besides turning angry, vengeful and bitter toward the people who "do" throw dinner parties for famous people and the people who attend these lavish get-togethers? Huh?


Oh, I could leave the country and reside with a few monks in the Hymalayan Mountains and learn the "secrets of personal peace and the universe at large," but that's pretty much it by way of feasible options.


So I guess at a future time, I will start a class to teach other bitter people like me who have never been do a dinner party, "The Secrets of How To Be an Annoying Dinner Party Guest."


I will wager that when a few of my pupils follow the list of "annoying things" below, my phone will ring off the hook with people in New York City just aching for me to attend their next dinner brunch.


1. Belch as loud as you can so others at your table can hear just how much you have enjoyed this "free" meal. Don't worry. Belching in most third-world countries is customary and interpreted as one liking the food that was set before them.


2. Spilling on yourself is okay, because in 2012, people are way too sensitive to tell you about the baked chicken breast laying on the front of your shirt for they are afraid that you will take them to court for violating your First Amendment rights.


3. Talk loud to people as to not cause verbal confusion. People at dinner parties mostly whisper, and that can be rough if you are trying to hear their opinions on global farming issues, so talk up. People will appreciate it.


4. Bark at hostess if your potato salad is not up to par for you. Hey, forget about manners. It's your colon that the hostess needs to be worried about.


5. Talk with mouthfuls of food because you can multi-task with the best of them.


6. Be boisterous and never say, "excuse me," but instead say, "get outta the way, lady. That's my seat," people at high-end dinner parties respect men who take charge of things.


7. Drain the liquor cabinet dry. It's fine. The hosts can buy more tomorrow. If the dinner party hosts didn't expect you to "guzzle" the whisky, why did they sit out seven bottles near your table?


8. Dance with any girl you want to. Lively entertainment by guests a bit "tipsy," is perfectly-acceptable. And breaks up the monotony too.


9. Take off your tie and coat and be yourself. Nothing as is boring and stuffy as a man who is miserable in dress clothes. Hey, if the dinner party takes off, remove your dress shirt. Women will appreciate your gut hanging over your dress slacks that are almost bursting at the seams from your large girth.


10. Vulgar, distasteful jokes? Sure. The guests are all adult, so why hold back on those adult jokes that you picked up from, "Sal Bender," the copy machine service man at your office last Friday. The more laughter the better the dinner party.


11. Beat the table with your fist if your food isn't warm enough. Be a man. Don't whisper, "uhh, miss. My prime rib has icicles hanging from it," or you will be laughed at.


12. Pretend to know everyone at this party. No one likes a man who has to be introduced to everyone. If someone asks, "do you know Dr. Cline, the world-renowned liposuction surgeon?" Just nod and reply, "yes, I do. We went to prep school together." That remark alone will get you invited back for another dinner party next month.


13. Flirt with women you see at this dinner party. They expect it. Why do you think they spent thousands at the dress shop, beauty salon and spa to look their best? Oh for their husbands? What a naive man you are. Go ahead. Make the women's night. Tell each one how "she" is "the" prettiest lady at the dinner party. Oh, check to see if she is wearing a hearing aid.


14. Just in case you are asked to leave the party, laugh and say, "hey, I don't want any trouble. I happen to be personal friends with Sugar Ray Leonard," that will put a stop to you being thrown out on your butt.


15. Lie through your teeth about what you do for a living and you will impress the guests at this dinner party, provided no one really knows what you do for a living. If you are an assistant manager at the local Taco Bell, just change that to, "district zone production coordinator," for a noted food supply company. That will do the trick.


16. Challenge men guests to chug-a-lug contests with imported beer. You will win every time because you haven't went without beer since you graduated from high school.


17. Laugh at every joke told by every stale man in a suit, for he might be a mayor, senator or possibly someone more powerful, an I.R.S. agent. Example: Man: "and the penguin said, 'you thought it was cold. I thought it was freezing,' (laugh, wheeze, gasp). YOU: Awww, haww, hawww, hawww, that's the funniest thing I ever heard. And I got an uncle in show business too.


18. Name-drop to make yourself look "important," such as you strolling around room eavesdropping on conversations like this: "Mr. Obama sure has a fight on his hands with that national health care bill," Then you butt in quickly, "haw, haw, naaah, I was telling Barack last week, don't sweat it, man. You got the votes for "I" am friends with most of the Republican senators."


19. Act like a medical doctor also to build yourself up and if someone passes out, just jump beside them and commence to beat their chest as hard as possible and yell, "somebody call 9-1-1," to look more professional. If someone chokes on olives, jump behind them and squeeze between their abdomen and stomach as hard as you can and boom, out will pop the olive. You might get into the papers for saving some people's lives.


20. Do not listen to other people talk, for that gives them time to ask you, "and you are?" That can be fatal to you, "Mr. Uninvited Dinner Party Guest." Just interrupt people in mid-sentence and that will cause them to lose their "train of thought," and forget about asking what you are doing at the dinner party in the first place. Shrewd thinking means more dinner parties for you.

Okay. I am finished with my list of "The Secrets of How To Be an Annoying Dinner Party Guest."


I got my phone line cleared for those "uptown" dinner party hosts to get through to me easily to invite me to their next dinner party.


Okay. Enough waiting. Call already. You don't want to see me upset. And hungry.

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Comments 31 comments

writer20 profile image

writer20 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

Okay, your a funny man to have written this hub. It's just ranting on and on. Neither of us have to proper dinner party where you have behave yourself. I have only been to friends house dinner parties and they were so relaxed to suit you, maybe.

Voted up and funny, Joyce.


Julie DeNeen profile image

Julie DeNeen 4 years ago from Clinton CT

LOL... :)


Janine Huldie profile image

Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

Kenneth, this was so funny, I just literally spit my drink while reading it. Seriously, I enjoyed this hub and can tell you from being from NY and going to dinner parties when I was younger, you are not missing out on anything! Seriously enjoyed and am voting up and sharing too.


Sueswan 4 years ago

Dearest Kenneth,

I see the scene a little differently. Other guest would be looking at you and whispering, "Is that, no it couldn't be. Yes it is Kenneth Avery one of our finest American writers and humorist.

Voted up up and away!

Take care :)


josh3418 profile image

josh3418 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

Kenneth,

Another awesome list of hysterical comedy! Thanks, I love visiting your hubs! :)


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

I was thinking of inviting you to dinner, but I changed my mind! Come to breakfast instead.


Giselle Maine 4 years ago

Hilarious! In actual fact I think Kenneth Avery would be a great guest at any dinner party. He would be able to keep the conversational banter going.


Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

Glimmer Twin Fan 4 years ago

Very funny! Laugh at every joke...I know a couple of people like that!


katyzzz profile image

katyzzz 4 years ago from Sydney, Australia

A charming hub and so very true and worthy of a round of laughter, well done, nice hub


lupine profile image

lupine 4 years ago from Southern California (USA)

kenneth, you are truly a hilarious writer, this is so far the best I have read. Don't worry if you haven't been invited to "dinner parties" you are not missing anything, except maybe for the food. Sometimes I would rather own a John Deere tractor than to have or go to another dinner. Do you know my brother? He does most of these things mentioned at the beginning of your list...actually not funny when its happening or it's the first time you have someone over...I usually warn people about him or have dinners when he is out-of-town. This hub reminds me of Rodney Dangerfield in some of his movies. I would be glad to invite you to a dinner party as my good friend. I enjoy your humor.


lupine profile image

lupine 4 years ago from Southern California (USA)

kenneth, this may need to be followed by a hub: how to get rid of annoying dinner guests, let me know if you will do it, or if its ok with you I will do it. thanks.


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

OMG, Kenneth - absolutely brilliant! I understand your anger and bitterness - what else could be expected? On the other hand - having never been invited to a dinner party - i am reluctant to take your wonderful advice on how to never be invited to another...lol


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Hilarious! I can tell you that I've been to some dinner parties where I would have welcomed some of this behavior just to break the monotony!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Good morning to ALL who commented (so far) on this hub.

I want to start from the top with . . .

Writer20/Joyce,

Thanks for your input. I needed it. Relaxed is good. Any day. Thanks for taking time to read about me NOT getting to enjoy a dinner party. From what some of you say, Ive not missed anything.

Oh well. Time to move on and focus on something else.

Thanks again,

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Julie . . .Thanks a whole lot. Loved the :) and here's one for you . . .

:) come back soon and visit again.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Janine,

Thank you, from the heart, for your supportive comment. Are you okay now? Spitting in a drink can be one way to be asked to leave a dinner party. Actually, Ive always had this reoccuring fantasty about being able to dress in a $5000.00 designer suit, shoes, and simply stroll around a lavish New York dinner party with an expensive cup holding my coffee in my hand, chatting with important people with small talk such as:

DOCTOR: Ken, Ive just discovered a cure for warts.

ME: Oh?

and then move to the next guest. See how smug and self-serving I can be?

Naaah. Thats not the real me. Id have a plate of shrimp, dip, lobster claws and enjoying every bite.

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Susan, I can count on you to really make me feel good about myself. I shall treasure YOUR comment for years.

Thanks!

And Id do the same for you.

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, Josh,

Thank you so very much. And thanks for visiting my hubs too. I just hope that I can make life easier and happier for you. If I have, then God is smiling.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear breakfastpop,

When? Come on. Tell me. When? Will I be able to eat bacon, waffles, eggs? Pop Tarts? I promise I will NOT be annoying, but listen to your conversations all morning long and NOT say one word. And please reconsider the dinner invite . . .please???

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear Giselle,

You are a gem, my friend. Thank you for thinking that of me. And yes, I would try to keep the banter going as long as I knew what people were talking about.

You and I could discuss technical stuff about HubPages--making text boxes, which makes me think . . .HOW DO YOU GET AN AMAZON LISTING TO APPEAR IN A BOX? I need to know, so here we are, bantering already.

Oh, may I freshen your drink, Giselle?

Kenneth

PS get back to me about the Amazon thing.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Glimmer,

I could do that, but like Doc (Val Kilmer) Holliday said in the movie, "Tombstone," when being introduced to a local sheriff, "Wyatt, my hypocricy goes only so far," and thats how I would feel about making myself laugh at EVERY joke. It can be work.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Greetings, Katyzzz,

Thanks so much for your kind comments. I appreciate it so much. And that helps me to keep on producing things for my Valued Followers to enjoy.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear lupine,

"Thank you, seriously and sincerely, for your sweet and caring remarks. I do my best. And give God the thanks. He gave me this imagination. And I want to use it to bring smiles to YOU and all of MY FOLLOWERS, for YOU are all the BEST! And yes, a hub on How To Get Rid of Annoying Dinner Guests is great. Why dont you write it? You can do it easily!

Okay?

I am going on vacation next week and I will check hubs when I get back next weekend and see if YOU have written this.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, ImKarn,

Well today, Im not that bitter. I did have this idea to one day fill my living room with fancy mannequins dressed in dinnerware and pretend I was in New York and enjoying a dinner party, but it hit me. The guests were all stuffed shirts.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Catgypsy,

Thanks for YOUR sweet remarks and that sounds great--making ruckus on purpose to break the boredom. Im your man.

Kenneth


Giselle Maine 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth, I can help. For clarification, do you mean you want to find out how to make the Amazon box be colored blue or gray like those info boxes, or do you mean you want to know how to use the Amazon capsule to begin with?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ Giselle: I have seen hubbers put text and Amazon things into the box. I know how to make the box, thanks to you, but how do you get an Amazon listing in it too? Please help.

Thanks,

KENNETH


Giselle Maine 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth, actually it's not an info box you need, but the Amazon capsule. I actually have an old hub I wrote on exactly that topic, an illustrated step-by-step tutorial-style guide to using the Amazon capsule. You can read about it here: http://gisellemaine.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Use-Hu...

Feel free to delete this comment afterward as I do not want to seem like I am being self-promotional. Do let me know if you have additional questions about the Amazon capsule though.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Giselle . . ."Thank you so much. I will not forget YOU or YOUR super-nice heart."

Kenneth


Debra Emerson 4 years ago

Thumbs up! That's very good and useful.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Thanks very much, Debra!

Kenneth

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