My Story (Family Court, Shared Parenting Laws, The Parental Alienation Paradigm & Child Protection in Australia)

Family Court vs The Best Interests of The Child

All persons, places and objects shown in the images in this hub are models and are shown for illustrative purposes only. They have no relation to any real person or event.


An Insight into a Mother's Reality After Family Violence

It's not about "justice", or "the principle of it", so I will not react. To do so would not serve my purpose. I've done what I had to and I'll do what I must, because they asked me to keep them safe and I promised I would. It is not about getting revenge against you.It was never for revenge against you.It's not all about you; it never was and it never will be. Nor is it about me. It's about them and it always will be, because love should not hurt!

If you look online, you will find overwhelming amounts of documented evidence and a great many blogs discussing the unforeseen effects that Shared Parenting Laws have had on abused children in Australia and in numerous other countries around the world, including Canada and the US, and you will get an idea of just how many parents are facing similar dilemmas.

In May 2010, I was emailed a link to an article that read as follows:

"The three major Family Law reviews were handed down in January 2010. It was recognized that the current Shared Parenting Laws are not working in situations where domestic violence is a factor and need to be changed to ensure that children's rights, well being and safety is of paramount importance.

While this is good news for children, the extreme father's rights groups have been protesting about the recommended changes, threatening to not vote for the current government if they dare implement them. They say they have 16,000 members that they can mobilize.

The Attorney General has flagged that he won't make any legislative changes because of their threats before the election. Afterwards, we will have little if no hope because the reviews will be long gone and media interest faded."

It was after reading the above article that I decided to share my story. I am writing of my own journey here, to hopefully give people an insight into the reality that so many Australian mothers (and some fathers) have faced and are facing, in their struggle to keep their children safe from an abusive, controlling parent, since Australia's Shared Parenting Laws came into effect in 2006.


I feel we all have a duty of care to these children, and I plead with you all to make their cases heard. Tell your friends and family, write about it on your blogs, sign petitions, attend protest rallies and write to your politicians. Our children cannot speak for themselves!


Because I am currently in the middle of Family Court Proceedings, I cannot detail any of my or my childrens' specific experiences of physical or emotional abuse, so I will focus on things that I have learned are very similar to many other protective mothers experiences - the contradictory nature of our abusers, and how they use indirect threats and degrading analogies to instill fear and erode self-confidence. Abusers are NEVER what they appear to be....

Here is my story:

I have come to believe that the father of my children is a complete sociopath or even a psychopath and I am terrified for their safety. They have not seen him for months and do not want to. After much counseling, group therapy, completion of the Protective Behaviors Program, doing lots of fishing, gardening and other fun things, and receiving lots of unconditional love, they now say that they are happier than they have ever been, although I believe we all still have a long way to go.

They asked me to promise to keep them safe, and promise I did, but I am losing hope in being able to keep that promise as although I have violence restraining orders for myself and the kids, I will soon be facing their father in Family Court.

While I had always believed that my kids needed to be able to continue their relationship with their Dad if we separated, it is only in the months since our separation that I have come to be aware of what he is really capable of.

After he first left, I realized my kids were displaying most of the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which have thankfully diminished with time. Over the months the children have slowly been revealing what he put them through, and with counseling and by reading my journals I have been able to recall all the things he has put me through.

I also discovered information in hidden user accounts on my computer that opened my eyes to the extent of his lies, addictions to sex and violence, and his ability to hide his dark and sadistic nature and come across instead as a warm, genuine and caring human being.

All of his friends and family think he is wonderful, charming man, and that his only faults are that he is impulsive, irresponsible and homophobic.

But I now know that he is in fact, secretly bisexual, into beastiality, extremely abusive, controlling, violent, skilled at subtle cruelty, sadistic, criminally versatile and completely lacking in empathy, remorse and guilt.

I also fear he has some even darker secrets and certain things I discovered have lead me to believe he may also be into into some other extreme fetishes, and I fear he may have committed some horrendous crimes in the very distant past.

One of the things that concerns me most about him however, is his ability to lie so convincingly. He has lied about so many things, to so may people and for such a long time that he has become quite skilled at it. He is talented in his ability to concoct outrageous reasons to justify his abusive behavior, so that most people who hear his lies end up feeling sorry for him and think he has done quite well to have stopped himself from doing more serious harm to "those who have betrayed him"

I often used to wonder if he had told these lies to other people so many times that he had somehow managed to convince even himself that they are true. I even began to wonder what would happen if he was put on a lie detector machine, because I figured that if a person has forgotten that something is a lie, then they wouldn't actually feel like they were lying whenever they retell that lie, would they?

I'm not sure if I believe it anymore though, because as soon as I started to think he was, although abusive, also a victim of society's prejudices, and someone who genuinely wanted to stop hurting those he loved, he would somehow blow me away with some off hand remark or explosive outburst that made my mind boggle.

For instance, he would admit to some sadistic reason for his lies, or say something so vicious and cruel that I would be left thinking I did not really know him at all. At one stage I even thought I was crazy and that it must all be my fault or something.

My concerns and doubts got worse and worse with time. Towards the end of our relationship he would often admit to some past wrong doing of his which he had always previously vehemently denied, but such confessions would be anything but an expression of guilt, and more and more often his comments would reveal an alarming level of premeditation or contain some other element that was more than deeply disturbing on many levels.

One such confession occurred a week or so before we separated, when he was talking to me after having exploded in yet another violent rage. He broke down crying (I say crying, but there were no actual tears, just sniffing and crying "noises"), and then said he was violent and needed help.

Then he started confessing all these things to me including years of torturing animals when he was in his 20's: having once planned to rape, torture and murder his "friend"; an incident where he drugged and raped another male "friend" of his with the hope that it would cause the guy to later commit suicide, and finally he started confessing to an incident in the 1970s where he and some of his friends picked up a woman hitch hiker, bu I never heard the rest of that particular confession, as I ran out crying.

Afterward, as he had always done before, he denied having said any of the things he had said.

On a different night, he admitted for the first time to the times that he has raped me (he had previously always denied that he had). He then went on to say that the only way he could make up for it was to tell my son that he was conceived during one of those rapes. I was horrified!

There were many other behaviors that I witnessed that, in hindsight, I should have really seen as very clear warning signs, but I guess each behavior on it's own was never really bad enough to make me question his overall integrity.

Then again, maybe I was in denial. I still don't want to believe that the man I loved for so long could really be capable of what I can only call evil, but I have had to face the reality that there are just too many things he has done, combined with to many extreme behaviors and over too long a period of time that I no longer have the luxury of hoping it is just all a misunderstanding or that he will ever change. To give him any more chances would be more than irresponsible, it would be insanely stupid.

How can I trust a man who has very contradictory beliefs and values about pedophilia and incest? To explain: on one hand he believes that all pedophiles should be shot, but on the other hand, he believes his ex-girlfriend's father only molested her as a way of trying to show her how much he loved her.

My own experiences of sexual abuse as a young child were minimized and even outright disbelieved by him. A sexual assault I experienced a young adolescent that was perpetrated by a much older man whom I had loved and trusted and whose wife and family I cared deeply for, was also minimized, and at various times he would even say that I must have "asked for it". When I told him that he sounded just like the man who had abused me, I then had to run for cover as he erupted in a rage that saw my possessions smashed beyond repair and my framed photo's attacked with hammers until they were nothing but shards of glass, splintered wood and scrap card in the rubbish bin.

In stark contradiction to his outrage at my "attack on his character", one of his favorite pornographic videos was an X-rated homosexual video staring multiple young men of a questionable age, one of whom bore an alarming resemblance to his almost adult son from his first marriage.

He also made many off hand comments that revealed disturbing thoughts and feelings about his son, his son's friends, and younger nieces and nephews that I am simply not able to relate to, and are far too close to blatantly admitting being sexually attracted to them for me to be comfortable with.

For instance, he told me that he found it hard not to fantasize about things that may have been going on when this son had friends over to stay the night, that he fears that his relationship with his son may one day turn incestuous. He also goes on about how proud he is that the boy is bisexual like him.

He also told me he had been unable to stop himself from looking at his niece's breasts after she reached puberty, and trying to imagine what they looked like underneath her clothes. I always found all of these kinds of statements to be very alarming.

Almost everything about him seems to indicate that the man is a walking contradiction. For instance, he was always rather obsessed with news stories about family violence, child abuse, violent rape, incest, familicide and murder. He would go on about any one story constantly for days or even weeks, and would condemn the perpetrators with such ferocity that the kids and I eventually became fearful to be in the same room as him whenever he was discussing such things.

(Of course I would have been a fool to bring up the obvious hypocrisy of his statements in light of his own past acts of violence and abuse, not to mention his "confessions". I did actually mention it once without thinking, but his reaction was frightful enough to ensure I never made the same mistake again...)

Yet despite his constant claims of being disgusted by any form of violence,  he would watch movies that would leave most people in a state of utter shock but would simply reduce him to hysterical laughter. I hated watching such movies but he would bully me into watching them and when I did, they sometimes made me vomit and often I would have nightmares for weeks afterward.

I do not think myself oversensitive, I can handle violence in epic movies that "moves you" and stuff like that, but real life snuff videos and real videos of kids dying as shovels are embedded into their heads?

His baffling behavior and contradictory views were further shown whenever he spoke of some woman who had supposedly cheated on her partner, whether it was the wife/girlfriend of someone he knew or a stranger, and even if it was just speculation or rumor.

He would spend ridiculous amounts of time suggesting suitable revenge or punishment for such women, most of which would be incomprehensible to myself or anyone else, but if anything was said about the irrationality of his thoughts, the unsuspecting person would be relentlessly insulted and humiliated for their supposed lack of humor and faith in his true nature (WTF?).

Of course I would always then be terrified whenever he harped on about how obvious it was that I was being unfaithful, which happened quite often even though I never once was unfaithful.

In fact, I only ever once came even remotely close to cheating on him, and all that was, was a period of a couple of weeks when I realized I was thinking about a friend more than perhaps I should, and that I felt happy whenever I thought of him. Though the thoughts and feelings were not in any way sexual, I guess I felt they were more than I should be feeling for a friend and that scared me to the point of telling the friend that I could not see him for a while, and I told my guy that I was confused about some feelings I had been having for the friend and that I had ended the friendship because I did not want to cause any more problems in our relationship, and that perhaps we needed to try and work on our own relationship.

Unfortunately I probably should not have said anything, because I was treated like I had confessed to a long term affair of filthy sex and emotional infidelity.He harassed me about it for years.

What hurt even more though was that he would say these things to the kids, friends, family and professional people, claiming he had proof, which of course he didn't. In fact all of his attempts to "catch me out" ended up proving my innocence instead, but all this did however was make him angry instead of more trusting. He even tried to set me up by planting fake evidence in our bedroom, but i caught him doing it. He never apologized.

I was once told he had been telling everyone of my "latest" affair with one of my "so-called friends" and the person telling me was lecturing me on my lack of morality. I asked the person who the friend in question was, and when they told me, I calmly pointed out that that friend had in fact been overseas for the previous 9 months and offered to give them the phone number of the friend's employer who had sent him overseas for the job, at which point the person's cheeks turned a deep shade of crimson...

Even his sense of humor raises concerns. I consider my own sense of humor to be rather quirky at times, but at least it is a "clean sense of humor. To me humor is at its best when it is in the form of ironic, intelligent insight. I do not find humor in things that have no intelligent play on words or images and are apparently funny just because they are gross.

Freddy got Fingered? I just can't see anything clever or remotely funny about such humor. It completely lacks whit and to me it is simply outrageously disgusting.  I also think it was cruel of him to force me to watch it when I was pregnant with his child, and expect me to endure his gut busting laughter at the scene where Tom Green "helps" deliver a baby.

After he left, I realized my children were displaying learnt sexual behaviors. They also expressed ideas and opinions well beyond their years, and displayed other signs that indicate possible sexual abuse, which lead me to speak to their child psychologist. In a subsequent investigation by Child Protection Officers, the children did not disclose any sexual abuse. While this was the most important thing for me, and a great relief, I do still fear that he may have been grooming them for future sexual abuse.

The only abuse I know of for certain though, is the soul destroying emotional abuse that I often witnessed and experienced, the physical abuse that I experienced myself and instances of physical abuse experienced by my children, the first few of which I witnessed and the last few of which I did not see, but soon found out about, at which point I told him that if he ever hit them or manhandled them again I would have him charged.

We also had to endure feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal as he would constantly lie to them about me, and to us all about himself. He would often pack his stuff and leave for a few days, but tell them that I kicked him out or that I had cheated on him or that he could not abide my laziness/ craziness/ lies/ messiness anymore, or he would blame them for leaving saying that they were bad kids who were deliberately naughty to make him angry so that he would then get into trouble with me.

This would always lead to them being overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, confusion, fear, anger and more, because although they knew they had misbehaved, it was certainly not on purpose or because of what he said it was.

Further more, the messiness he always went on about was often his more than ours, and although it did get sometimes get messy, it was only clutter, not filth, and only ever after he had been at his most abusive. It would always be tidied up, even when it was him who had made the mess.

All of these things build a disturbing picture now that I have been able to piece them all together and have led me to re-examine my already limited trust in him regarding our kids. Combine it all with his long criminal record of multiple convictions for possession of drugs, cultivation of drugs, possession of unlicensed firearms, unlicensed ammunition and restraining orders and other things such as his prior possession of a shot firer's permit, extensive knowledge of, experience with and known associations with people easily able to obtain explosives, self confessed possession of unlicensed firearms, past association with many high profile criminals, intimate knowledge of the details of their crimes that he has revealed to me in the past (some of which has subsequently been substantiated and then revealed to the public by the media), crimes that I witnessed many, many years ago that he was never caught for (and which I was too naïve and in love to report at the time), and the many cruel direct and indirect threats he has made to me in private over the years, is it any wonder that I hold such grave fears for the safety of both my children and myself?

I did initially have strong support from both the Department for Child Protection and The Police Family Protection Unit, and they were full of praise about the steps I had taken of my own initiative to deep myself and the kids safe, and help us all to heal and move on.

Unfortunately, since my ex contacted them to inform them of "his side of the story", they have now decided that all my allegations are based on hearsay and cannot be substantiated, and therefore they will not support me in court (institutional grooming?!).

They further went on to accuse me of parental alienation, paranoia, negativity and of perpetuating fear in my children.

These departments have only met my children on one occasion, and myself perhaps half a dozen times, and if you were to contact my counselors, my children's counselors, their psychologist or our victim support worker, they would all tell you they believe I have gone from strength to strength since separating from their father, and have been extremely and consistently proactive, clear minded and positive in all areas of my life, including the task of helping my children heal from the harmful experiences of their own abuse and the witnessing of my abuse, and that rather than perpetuating fear in the kids, I have been successful in helping them to overcome their fears while still helping them to feel safe and teaching them how to stay safe.

Even so, the reports of counselors are opinions based on hearsay, and will not count for much in Family Court, so I fear it's going to be my word against his in family court.

I have reported all this to the police as well, including the things he confessed to me, but they will not do anything and tell me he's just bluffing. Further more, it is just hearsay, as I did not witness any of the really serious things he has confessed to or any that I fear he has committed, and the ones that I did witness happened too long ago for any charges made being likely to lead to conviction. They also question why I only report them now and say how do they know I'm not just out for revenge.

I face the same thing in family court and worse. Any allegations I make of his abuse of my children that I have witnessed and my own abuse experienced will be discounted as hearsay as I have no other witnesses. I may even then be found to have "Parental Alienation Syndrome", an unprovable, quite possibly fake psychological disorder that is laughed at by 95% of psychiatrists world wide, and which was actually invented by a psychologist who was later charged, convicted and jailed for multiple counts of pedophilia and incest (I read that but don't know if it's 100% true, as I have since read another article that only said he was suspected of it), and who then committed suicide. If a judge decides that I have this "syndrome", then it is most likely that the kids' Dad will be awarded sole residency, and I may even be restricted to supervised contact.

I have a lawyer who is going to do his best, but he fears for me and my children and doubts he will be able to do much to help us due to the current laws.

Our journey continues....

(Please keep reading below for some inspirational insights and links to more information)

Wise Words:

A man does what he must - in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures - and that is the basis of all human morality.
Winston Churchill

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
Barack Obama

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.
Dalai Lama

Please join me on FaceBook

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    Organize to Resist! Together we can take on the Predators! Let's Break the Silence to End the Violence by working together to make our voices a Resounding SHOUT!!! Perpetrators BEWARE - you don't stand a chance!

Please Note:

All names in this article have been changed for legal purposes and to protect the privacy of the Author. Except where otherwise credited, or where text forms part of an external link, this article is under the following copyright:

Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last", of Perth, Western Australia. All rights reserved.


All persons, places and objects shown in the images in this hub are are shown for illustrative purposes only. They bear no relation to any real person or event. All persons shown are paid models. Unless otherwise credited, all images are under the following copyright:

Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last" and Licensors Nodtronics Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.

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Comments 24 comments

safe-at-last profile image

safe-at-last 4 years ago from Western Australia Author

Private, thank you for your input and I agree. Saving Grace, DON"T give up! Remember: Knowledge is power! Please know that , I know how you feel - many of us do, because there are too many of us in the same boat. Please, you must be strong; Do not lose hope! It is not fair, it is not right, but you have no choice (at the moment). You are not alone. Many of us have to send our children to their abusers. Other women (many) are losing their children to their abusers and being refused any access themselves. BUT, things are changing. By sharing our stories, those in authority are FINALLY starting to take notice. Further more, Children who have lived through it are growing up and sharing their stories. The world is entering a time of change. The "parental alienation paradigm" is about to end. There is going to be a global paradigm shift in the humanity's consciousness, and with it will come the change that is needed. Until then, be there for your children, love them unconditionally, and teach her what they need to know to help them deal with any danger / emotioanal trauma / abuse they may (will) face. Try to connect with a child psychologist who specializes in kids with PTSD, AD/HD and abuse related trauma (trust me on this one - there is a genetic link between PTSD & ADHD and ALL current "public" knowledge/ information about ptsd & ad/hd is based on gross misconceptions). The people who specialize in BOTH can help you - you just have to find them. Find a therapist who utilizes MINDSCREEN. There are many out there who know what they are doing and who will be able to advocate for you and your children as well as help you all deal with your trauma AND give you the information you need to get things going your and your childrens' way. Getting rid of the abuser will (eventually) be easy, but getting rid of the effects of past and on-going abuse will be a little more challenging and will take time, but do not give up because it WILL happen! You will survive, and so will your kids - not without some scars - but survive you all will. Don't forget - It's OK to cry. Let it all out. If your kids see you crying, so be it. Let them know it's OK for mom to cry, and it's OK for them to cry too. Remind them that crying makes us human. Tell them that despite our tears, the sun will still come up tomorrow, and its Light will shine upon your smiles once more. Have faith. Have courage. Have HOPE. Most important, remember that your love for them they should always see, unconditional, eternal, as a parents love should be.(xox) My thoughts are with you and your children. You can fight to end the violence. Some ladies have found it helpful to print out articles such as mine on Institutional Grooming, CPTSD and Profile of a psychopath, and providing copies to doctors / lawyers / therapists, psychologists, and saying THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME! Also think on this (and help your kids realize this too): Self respect comes from within, from reaching for your dreams, from the satisfaction of achievement, from knowing you have something to offer, from inspiring others to greater things, from giving of yourself for the greater good, from providing people with an insight that will foster empathy, from sharing your knowledge with those who seek enlightenment, from the pride felt with each small success, from having a sense of purpose that gives you direction, from forgiving yourself for your mistakes, from gaining wisdom from your experiences, and from never giving in to failure, but always having the courage to try again. Last but not least, remember: There are some things we'll never get over. Some people we'll always miss. Some who have hurt us so much, that we think we'll never recover. It's not fair, but that's just the way it is.We still have to keep on keeping on, the best we can. I'll be fine. You'll be fine. We'll be fine.We are still here.You are not alone.You will never be alone.Just don't forget to breath, don't forget about you and don't forget about me. Much Love, Laughter and Light to you and yours. Take care, Mel. xox P.S. Keep a diary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


safe-at-last profile image

safe-at-last 4 years ago from Western Australia Author

Private, thank you for your input and I agree. Saving Grace, DON"T give up! Remember: Knowledge is power! Please know that , I know how you feel - many of us do, because there are too many of us in the same boat. Please, you must be strong; Do not lose hope! It is not fair, it is not right, but you have no choice (at the moment). You are not alone. Many of us have to send our children to their abusers. Other women (many) are losing their children to their abusers and being refused any access themselves. BUT, things are changing. By sharing our stories, those in authority are FINALLY starting to take notice. Further more, Children who have lived through it are growing up and sharing their stories. The world is entering a time of change. The "parental alienation paradigm" is about to end. There is going to be a global paradigm shift in the humanity's consciousness, and with it will come the change that is needed. Until then, be there for your children, love them unconditionally, and teach her what they need to know to help them deal with any danger / emotioanal trauma / abuse they may (will) face. Try to connect with a child psychologist who specializes in kids with PTSD, AD/HD and abuse related trauma (trust me on this one - there is a genetic link between PTSD & ADHD and ALL current "public" knowledge/ information about ptsd & ad/hd is based on gross misconceptions). The people who specialize in BOTH can help you - you just have to find them. Find a therapist who utilizes MINDSCREEN. There are many out there who know what they are doing and who will be able to advocate for you and your children as well as help you all deal with your trauma AND give you the information you need to get things going your and your childrens' way. Getting rid of the abuser will (eventually) be easy, but getting rid of the effects of past and on-going abuse will be a little more challenging and will take time, but do not give up because it WILL happen! You will survive, and so will your kids - not without some scars - but survive you all will. Don't forget - It's OK to cry. Let it all out. If your kids see you crying, so be it. Let them know it's OK for mom to cry, and it's OK for them to cry too. Remind them that crying makes us human. Tell them that despite our tears, the sun will still come up tomorrow, and its Light will shine upon your smiles once more. Have faith. Have courage. Have HOPE. Most important, remember that your love for them they should always see, unconditional, eternal, as a parents love should be.(xox) My thoughts are with you and your children. You can fight to end the violence. Some ladies have found it helpful to print out articles such as mine on Institutional Grooming, CPTSD and Profile of a psychopath, and providing copies to doctors / lawyers / therapists, psychologists, and saying THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME! Also think on this (and help your kids realize this too): Self respect comes from within, from reaching for your dreams, from the satisfaction of achievement, from knowing you have something to offer, from inspiring others to greater things, from giving of yourself for the greater good, from providing people with an insight that will foster empathy, from sharing your knowledge with those who seek enlightenment, from the pride felt with each small success, from having a sense of purpose that gives you direction, from forgiving yourself for your mistakes, from gaining wisdom from your experiences, and from never giving in to failure, but always having the courage to try again. Last but not least, remember: There are some things we'll never get over. Some people we'll always miss. Some who have hurt us so much, that we think we'll never recover. It's not fair, but that's just the way it is.We still have to keep on keeping on, the best we can. I'll be fine. You'll be fine. We'll be fine.We are still here.You are not alone.You will never be alone.Just don't forget to breath, don't forget about you and don't forget about me. Much Love, Laughter and Light to you and yours. Take care, Mel. xox P.S. Keep a diary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Private 4 years ago

Saving Grace, thats sad you feel there are no options foryou!! staying in an abusive relationship ony teachers your kids that that sort of relationship is ok....there are women group that can help you....help your children...courts are frustrating and not always fair I agree..but staying is not the answer for you or your kids...it will cause them more harm seing you abused even if they are not...


saving grace 4 years ago

PLEASE LISTEN ALL WOMEN WHO HAVE CHILDREN that are accusing their fathers of any type of ABUSE! STAY AWAY FROM FAMILY COURTS! GO TO POLICE! STAY AWAY FROM FAMILY COURTS! DO NOT GO TO THEM FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER FOR ANYTHING! IF YOU ARE MARRIED TO AN ABUSER. STAY WITH HIM AND FIGHT TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN BY BEING THERE IN THE HOME! IT's BETTER FOR YOU TO TAKE THE BEATING RATHER THAN YOUR CHILDREN! THERE IS NO HELP IN FAMILY COURTS! I KNOW! I HAVE BEEN THERE!!


Private 4 years ago

I have been living this nightmare for the past 6 years...My daughter is refusing to see her father and her father is accusing me of Alienating her from him...she is so scared of him and says she hates him. I have over the past 6 years encouraged my daughter to have a relationship with her father, even after having to get 3 recovery orders; an order to prevent him taking inappropriate photos;my daughter said he did something inappropriate to her when she was two, again police couldn't get a confession from her, so it was dismissed medical abuse and finally they ordered for supervision contact only, whilst he got psychiatric treatment. At our second final hearing the court ordered that he was better and we should resume cobtact. My daughter has issues with seeing him, saying he yells, he has hit her, he showers in front of her and that she hates him and that he says bad things about me. The court have tried to force contact however the contact centres are saying its not appropriate, so his new tactic is to say I have alienated her. I have tried to organise councelling for my daughter in the past, only to have him stop it....the last visit my daughter said she was going to take a knife so she could stab him..I of course explained that this was not appropriate..I dont know what to do....I know my daughter needs protection..I know my ex will do everything possible to get what he wants...the thing with all these stories if they really love their child they would treat them right, respect their wishes and not try and force them to see them...I have never given my ex any reason to think I would not encourage our daughter....


Maria- 4 years ago

Hi, I am shocked because your history is very much similar i am suffering.

I am In the UK, to add all above in my history...

He tried to kill my baby when i was pregnant, í found him taking sexual picture of my daughter when she was only 3 months, I also found him kissing her mouth using his tongue AND using her elephant trunk toy as masturbating in her mouth.

I had to stio him coming to visit my kids, as I thought we didn't work but he might would be a good father.... but i was completely wrong!

We went to Court, all evidences like :

1- pictures of my injures when i was pregnant and I ended up in the hospital for a week : Court saw pictures said he didn't meant to do it... and didn't accept

2- the document of the hospital even mentioning all bad injures- court didn't considered

3- the witness, never was even called nor talked about in court

4- evidence that he send a valentine card ( yummy hot and sexy to my 9 years old daughter)to my daughter, he denied his signature which was in many other papers : court accept his is not guilty

5- He also forced me having sex when i was pregnant when he has broken, which i never knew, he hided from me! And it would put my baby at risk! Today i have the it!! For the rest of my life! Court said I should use protective. How? if I was forced?

CI have been discriminated, I have been humiliated by him and now from COURT!

For protect my kids!

For be a victim of domestic violance, for try to protect my kids has turned he is the Victims.

Last court hearing , he asked court whatever i miss the contact , even if i am hospitalized for me to have a penalty which is : Prison for 6 months or a year and , after 6 months community work! Not mentioning Court has decided to consider give him my daughter Residence , and the thing is He is danish nationality and lives in Denmark!!! I will never be able to see my little one if its happen!!

They also after all evidence try to prove i am mentally ill, i did 12 hours 6x6 consecutive interview with a Psycoligist

I have to say, my life is 24 hours dedicated to my kids!

people knows me , see how good mother i am and dont know how I cooper with all problems!

This law judged by one person will put my daughter at risk! her integrity!

They also said my daughter is at risk because of me will end up with psycologic problems!!!

No evidence agains me has been found or proved! But Court has made decision by herself! I am bad person!

So now i am bad for suffer 2 years with a man that distroyed everything I had, I look 10 years older than my age, but he cannot take my believes away! Because I will fight to protect my kids until i die!


Cheryl Mitchell 4 years ago

I am a mother who is going through a lot of emotional pain. My son who is now 14 years old was taken away from me by his father who has violated the court'S order of joint custody.My oldest son was physically and emotionally abused by him in the past.My youngest is now taken away from me and been brainwashed against me.The matter is in the hand of the court but it seem as if the court is siding with him because he also work for the Surrogate court.My son is not allowed to call me or see me.He is so scared of his dad that he had to go along with what he said. My son could never talk to me unless the phone is on speaker so his father could hear the conversation and he would tell my son what to tell me.

My ex has been married for the 3rd time. The first wife had to take their daughter and run because of all the abuse.I remember how he boasted that she had to be on prosac. That is how he was driving her crazy. Because of all the abuse I also had to leave him but I made it is possible to share in my sons life. I remember that he swore on his mother's grave that he would make me pay him child support. I have taken on all of the financial burden taking care of my son. Every tuition from day care private school was paid by me. Even though he work for the Surrogate court he always complain that he did not have money. This man is so cunning that he is able to convince everyone even my sons' lawer that the court assign to him. My ex has gotton married again for the third time to a woman who has her own home. He has a habit of going after other people's things. I was allowed to go and see my son at a football try out at his school. My son was excited to see me. The next time I went back to court his lawyer told the judge that the meeting with my son did not go well and my son was very upset. He even even made false allegations to the court that I beat my son and I had men coming into my home who drink and beat my son and sometimes they even take me into the bedroom. Children protective service came out and found that the allegations were false. My ex is so cunning that no one so far can see that he is a lier.

Next month we are scheduled to see a forensic lawyer. I am hoping that he is good because this man is very evil. My son need help and I need to get him into counselling as soon as possible. Someone please help me! I am getting very sick because of not able to see or communicate with my son. How can a child just got up one day and say I do not want to see or talk to my mother who has never abuse him? A mother who did and gave him everything with love? My son and I had a very good relationship. I have never hit him or allow anyone to do so. Molder son is not able to function because he is not able to talk with his brother. My ex does not have friends nor does he get along with his own family. If something should happen to him, what would happen to my son? I have a lot more to my story but I will save the rest for later. Will someone please help us?


Sapphire 5 years ago

Hello my dear friend,

We have so similar stories, my husband is a psychopath, narcissistic, bipolar, pedophile man, I am not sure if he is homosexual or bisexual or probably he is only a pedophile that is trying to live a regular men life, and for that reason he abuse and torture us and almost destroy our lives.

I know that I got married to a sweet catholic man that used to bring rosaries for my friends and used to take me to mass every week, catholic, of course he was hiding his most dirty secrets behind the church (and in his computer at home too), so very nice man that you could think he was an angel that just fall down straight from heaven into my life, to finally covert it in hell a few months after we got married.

Sometimes I feel I am completely over it, sometimes like now I know I haven't, I believe I need to do something else to keep protecting my kids from him and myself too.

Reading your story make me realize that I am not alone, thank you for sharing your life with us, thank you for make me feel that we are part of a big family, a family that will keep fighting against women and children violence.


safe-at-last profile image

safe-at-last 5 years ago from Western Australia Author

Loretta, please feel free to share! That is the whole reason I write, to raise awareness, and also to let other victims know they are not alone. Another article you might be interested in is Perpetrators Perfecting the Fine Art of Institutional Grooming (Domestic & Family Violence, Child Abuse) found here: http://safe-at-last.hubpages.com/hub/The-Fine-Art-...

Thanks for all you are doing. One drop raises the ocean. Much Love, Laughter and Light to you and yours. Mel. xox

PS: I already have your fb page on my STVAW&C page's list of favorites :-)


Loretta 5 years ago

I am 3 years out and have started to see the reality of the abuse the kids and I suffered. He has admitted to may inhumane things and killed several animals in our presence, and I am scared of what I will discover next. He flashed our 7 and 8 year old daughters and I have a 5 year protective order and he is suing me for visitation. I am petrified and trying to start a find to help survivors raise legal finds to fight against such abuse. I am sorry and horrified to see that I am not the only one in the world living through this, there are some days I wish I was the only one!I have to do a paper on international violence in my family violence class, would you mind me sharing your story and giving me whatever info you can about Australian laws?

Thank You for sharing you are a true survivor!!


Arian Rey profile image

Arian Rey 5 years ago from Pearl of the Orient Seas (PHILIPPINES)

Thanks for sharing your horrific experience with your husband. I will not stereotype fathers, but some are like your former husband.

My father has a dark secret, too but not as grave as of your husband's.

He was a product of child abuse, so, there were instances that he hit us uncontrollably. I relayed his actuation whenever my mom was not around.

They had a heart-to-heart talk, and his treatment with us (his children) became better (gradually).

Unfortunately, he died due to lung cancer (due to cigarette smoking).


lindaforbes4avon@telus.net 5 years ago

insist that your ex has access with a physcologist with parental alienation that way he can see his kids. Also which is a trick within the court system but interview them first and your ex too and make sure they are not bias. Even come up with 3 different ones and then present it to the courts to decide. Hope this helps. But that is what the judge is for


Child protection worker 5 years ago

From substantial experience, the mother is placing herself in serious danger of being labelled by some half qualified professional witness as "delusional" = mentally ill and dangerous = her children will be removed from her care and handed to their abuser.

She could be ordered to have psychiatric treatment to convince her that her children have NOT been abused because she thinks that they have been abused when she knows that they have. The FCA website shows how frequently mental illness now appears as a reason for removing kids. The Chief Justice referred to it in the recent article in the Weekend Australian.

Interestingly only the mothers are labelled thus.Research shows that the women are still labelled by judges when independent psychiatrists declare that they are not suffering from any psychiatric disorder.


safe-at-last profile image

safe-at-last 6 years ago from Western Australia Author

You don't know me and you don't know my ex so how do you supposedly know I'm lying?

I am not.

Have I included my name or anybody elses name?

So go ahead and sue me for slander JOSH. Or contact my ex and tell HIM to sue me for slander JOSH! The only way he would know that I wrote this would be by admitting that he said and did the things that I have written about. So think about that!

And for your informaton, the childrens father has lied in court about me now, and THIS time they did not believe him. Would my children ask me to promise to keep them safe if I was lying?

He told my children that he wished I was dead. He told them they were stupid for loving me.

After he left, my children told me they wished he was dead. I told them we don't think like that even about people who behave in a way that is nasty or mean.

I also told them it is ok to still love their dad but hate his behavior. Do you tell that to your kids Josh? Or do you tell them how to think and how to feel and criticize them if they don't conform?

Sounds to me like you are another dad who thinks denial is a river in Egypt!


Josh 6 years ago

women lie to make dads sound bad when all i see on tv is the women killing the kids i won shared custody and i am a good daddy who was put through hell lied on and now i am very close to getting full custody and when you women lie we can sue for slander so think about that


fighting for my kids rights 6 years ago

Hi I too am going thru this HELL!! I face my ex in six weeks

he is manipulative,depressive,violent ,self obsessed alcoholic who hides behind his fake respectability,his girlfriend is from a rich family who hides behind the fact that she is a high school teacher,the family assessor is related to his brother in law but apparently it is just my say so,and is biased,he has accused me of alienation,my daughter soils herself and vomits at the mere thought of her father and when forced by the court to see him reacted in a severe negative and violent manner,this was not reported by the assessor who instead wrote no contact happened because I failed to prepare the children for contact.I am losing hope very fast and am terrified,these laws are forcing women to remain in violent relationships so they can protect their children

Its a joke ,it must stop ,can they not see that if the father was not violent there would be no issue? and as far as the fathers' are concerned its all about being able to continue to control us ,and to continue their violence against us theu our children!


CrystalSingleton profile image

CrystalSingleton 6 years ago from HBeach,Ca

thank you for sharing your story, i am facing these problems right now, please read my blog. My daughters 3 and six told child servics about sexual assualts my husband was doing to them but the judge denied our protective restraining order request, in addition my husband whom I am in the process of divorcing has theatened to kidnap my children and make them dissapear if i ever left him. But he tells his attorney it was all made up, that i coached the girls. He is just mad he got caught. He has retaliated against these truths and has tried to paint me as a neglectful parent and mentally unstable because I was adopted. Thanks to his habitual lies and denial my mother has temporary custody of our 3 children until i can get before a judge who cares. so far his attorney has had 4 judges and a continuance. Becuase every time a judge actually starts reading the facts and become in favor of me, his attny request a new judge, I am trying to be strong my pastor said the truth will come out and a judge will ask him or herself why they are the six judge involved in the case and see what a maipulator he and his attny is. It's just about patience I guess, at least I live with my mom and my children and have the joy of still being with them. check out my blog, it tells our story as well. thank you for sharing.


lilly 6 years ago

i am also too a survivor not once but twice with domestic volince my first exprences with being a victim i was only very young very vonreble to the outside world my father died and my mother did a few years later you feel so alone with out the help of a parent you feel close too so i flung myself at a man who i felt at the time make me feel like a princess it wasn't long before he started to abuse me i was three months pregant when i was helping him strain wire for a fence the wire broke as he strained it too far the pice of wood he was using to do this he hit me in the face with and broke my nose that was the first of many times i was put down bashed and raped i was not allowed to have any friends or money i went to work from sun up to sun down and use to hand over my pay packet to him in fear of being beaten again now my new arsshole has don't the same but worse he has beaten not only me and my kids it only took two months too see it coming so from the point i ended it with him he has been trying to find ways to keep the abuse going he has even tried to run over my children and myself while its going through the courts for nine years my life has been thrown in to turmoil with having to remain vigilant just in case hes hiding down some side street or in my back yard now he uses the court to keep the control going i have had one child have a nervous breakdown because of him he was only 16yo when my x tried to chock him to death in front of my two younger ones my son had just got home from working night shift and my xs was in the house i didn't know he use to let himself in he didn't have a set of keys to my house but always reminded me he had a master key as he had he own business which in tailed ripping people off this is how my x and my son had a fallout because my x is a theft and my son was working with him at the time and caught him out isn't it strange when you find out the Truth about these psychopaths there masks fall off well i can not say much about my current x as im going through the courts i would rather go to jail for protecting my children and i will if he turns up at my house again as there has been three avos and he doesn't mind breaching them but is not held accountable for it so i will do what i have to do to protect my kids


OntariFamilyLawCa profile image

OntariFamilyLawCa 6 years ago from No America

I just began my blog. In Ont, I got that from the FLC part, you must push the child towards a parent even if there abuse towards the child. the US states laws can vary on this but Ont feels this is ok. The Atty General will not help nor do they care. I have done my own emails and calls. I have access to law books that only there lawyers have. Hence why I began my blog. The courts there feel a man still has the power in this issue no matter what he does. to the child In fact a judge in Ont just forced a teen gilr back to a bad father. He had abused the mom verbally and phiscally for yrs and they landed in a shelter. finally. THe teen's behavior changd, yes it would and the judge felt the child needed to be back with the dad.

The courts in Ont do not liwsten to parents as much as the prof have have often been wrong. There is no the same accoiuntability built into the system for the care of the child there.


Muriel Matters 6 years ago

Hi SAL,

Feeling helpless, it's the understatement of the year for me. I wrote to my Local MP, who called back to say it didn't have anything to do with them. My Federal MP sent my letter to the Attorney-General, and he has replied. The reply is rather insipid, evades the real issues and offers some suggestions of things that I may do (all of which I have already done and they didn't work). So I will be drafting a much more succinct reply. I must also bear in mind that as I'm currently in the FLC system, I'm supposed to be keeping my mouth shut or risk 12 months in jail.

So far in my case, the biggest issues are that my case even got accepted into the court in the first place. Normal protocol has not been followed. The laywers and magistrate must be held accountable for their deplorable and abusive comments which should not be allowed. The acquisition of an Independent Child Laywer is so obvious that the legal system is greasing it's own wheels makes it almost laughable, and finally, the fact that one parent can actively sabotage mediation and yet the other parent is forced to pay for half of everything. It's just insane. The outright lack of child focus is astonishing. No-one recognises that the affidavits I have presented represent my child's voice. I'm the only one that can speak up for her, especially in the light of her father's tremendous amount of false denials. Yet when his affidavit was submitted, completely full of denials on almost every paragraph, I'm informed by my lawyer "On his affidavit he's likely to get his 50/50". I ask why does his affidavit have more influential power than mine?

I may have already read the Institutional Grooming, and I will certainly check on that link you have provided.

Thanks for the info about the PB Program, however, my child doesn't feel overly unsafe with her father. Everything he does to her, he does in the context of a game. He's emotionally the same age as her, and it's like they play "doctors and nurses" together, on the same level. It makes it tricky to deal with, but not impossible.


safe-at-last profile image

safe-at-last 6 years ago from Western Australia Author

Hi M.

I empathize with your situation and I am sure you probably feel as helpless as I do.

Have you read my hub "Perpetrators Perfecting the Fine Art of Institutional Grooming"? This article has received an incredible amount of attention and has been quoted on many sites.

I submitted it to the Family Violence Inquiry hosted on the Australian Law Reform Commission's web site and I hope it is being considered. Perhaps you could also make some submissions to the questions and proposals in the review - One drop raises they ocean! To access the site, copy & paste this url - http://triggs.austlii.edu.au/ .

I also sent a copy of the article to the Attorney General, the Premier & the Minister for Child Protection. Last week I received a letter from the Premier thanking me and acknowledging my information. The more attention that is brought to the plight of abused children, then the quicker something will be done about it.

Perhaps you could also write a letter to the Attorney General? Try to describe your concerns without going into too much personal detail.

Another thing you could do is sign the petition that I have provided a link to in this hub.

I quote from my article " Tell your friends and family, write about it on your blogs, sign petitions, attend protest rallies and write to your politicians. Our children cannot speak for themselves! "

As for what you can do to help your daughter right now, I would strongly suggest contacting the parenting line or crisis care and finding out how to get your daughter involved in the Protective Behaviors Program. I contacted the people who run the program myself, and the kids did a 1 on 1 crash course over a 5 week period, but I had to pay for it myself and it is quite expensive. I have since learnt that you can somehow get help with the costs (or access it for free) if you contact DCP and get a referral from them.

The Program is an invaluable resource that the government should really be funding for all children. I guess the sad reality is that we can't protect our children from the world, but one thing we CAN do is teach them how to recognize danger and how to deal with it when they are not feeling safe. My kids responded very well to the program. I just wish it was taught in schools everywhere....

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, good luck, stay positive and keep safe.

safe-at-last


Muriel 6 years ago

Hi,

Your story is so close to mine. The father of my child, while not overtly violent, nor bisexual (that I know of), I consider to be a sociopath. He totally lacks empathy, and even though I've made almost half-a-dozen reports to Child Services of his sexual grooming behaviour of our child, nothing has happened since a social worker at CPS completely stuffed up the investigation. Since then I have attempted to pull back the time she spends with her father and it is at that time, he threatened Family Court. In the face of my very obvious attempts at mediation, he told lies to his lawyer, marked his petition as "urgent" and a "stupid" magistrate in the Family Court accepted it. Now the court is nothing but a puppet for him to go about his financial abuse of me. Since he has no concept of future ramifications for actions he does today, he doesn't give a toss about how much it costs him in the Family Court. Since he sabotaged any attempt at court mediation, by exploding at the mediator, a Family Assessment has now been ordered. The only role I've ever played is one of protective mother, and now me (and our daughter) come under scrutiny of family assessors, and useless Independent Child Lawyers, and my own Lawyer who tells me outright that there's not much she can do. The situation I am now placed in is either hand my child over to a 50/50 arrangement or go to Court. In the meantime, he's laughing all the way. He's made the centre of attention, everybody has to be at places because of what he has done, and he's just loving all the control he has, not only over the whole judicial system, who are jumping to his every (covert) command, but especially to the control he now has over me. And to top it all off, I'm forced to pay for 50% of everything that he has caused. What is surprising, is that the magistrates, lawyers and their lackies either don't see it, or if they do, they don't care. In the meantime, uninformed, ignorant magistrates make disparaging comments out loud about protective mothers and the ex is totally laughing on the inside. He's pushing all the buttons and the protective mothers are left with diminishing rights to protect their children. It's disgraceful. The Family Law Court is ignorant of abuse dynamics, refuses to recognise that they exists, is degrading of protective mothers, and fails to maintain even a minimal level of child focus.


safe-at-last profile image

safe-at-last 6 years ago from Western Australia Author

Hi JB. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I was relieved to see that the results of the senate reviews of the shared parenting laws did show that there is a big problem in situations where there is domestic violence, however the government has been bullied into not taking action by all the father's rights groups. I fear mothers in Oz still have a long journey ahead of them...


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

Sal,

I don't know what to say to this thread..except that I sympathize with your plight, which sounds weak. You've been through so much.

I am an Australian too and think the new shared parenting laws are going to make things very difficult for some families.I don't think Howard had much realization of the realities some women and children face.

Good Luck

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