A Truly Conservative Reading of the 2nd Amendment Right to Bear Arms
God, Guns, Guts!
As a true and complete conservative, as far to the right as one could possibly imagine, I hold that each and every true American should be armed to the teeth at all times – bristling in armament like angry porcupines when we go to our Churches, Synagogues, when we assemble to protest the Socialist-Communist-Fascist-One World Government Conspiracy to strip away our valued Freedoms and Liberties.
Yes, we should be loaded with weaponry when we yell outside abortion clinics, when we eat at restaurants, when we go to the airports and ride planes, when we go to the bar, when we solemnly attend book burnings and the closing of Godless public schools. I say the 2nd Amendment gives us this right, absolutely and completely, and government has no business ever limiting it or defining it any such way as to limit it.
After all, as another prophet of wisdom has offered through the fount of true knowledge called the Internet:
“The Second Amendment is one of our most cherished. The right to keep and bear arms is what keeps government subservient to its citizenry. Without the right to bear arms, we would have anarchy in the streets, the criminals would still have guns, and violent crime would escalate.” [http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/BEARARMS.HTML]
But the devious courts, ruled by Liberals and other such dangerous minds, keep interpreting the 2nd Amendment in ways that violate this sacred and basic right given to us by God Himself. Again:
‘ First of all, lets see what Jesus Christ, the original Founding Father of us all, had to say about the right to bear arms! Gunpowder had not yet been invented. The weapon of the day was the sword. One of the last instructions he gave his disciples in the Garden was Luke 22: 36. The key admonishment "LET HIM WHO HAS NO SWORD, SELL HIS CLOAK AND BUY ONE.”’ [http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/BEARARMS.HTML]
The context of this statement by Jesus, as all statements in the Bible or anywhere else, is unimportant – it is the literal written word here that is everything. Jesus commanded us to carry swords. Just bladed weapons, nothing else. I used to go about with a saber everywhere I went, though that made sitting on busses and subways difficult. I also used to wear a cloak, but when I sold it, I didn’t get enough to buy more than a really cheap reproduction saber at the pawn shop, but, by God, I had a sword as commanded, purchased in the precise manner ordered. And I follow my orders to the letter.
But then, as I got older and grew in wisdom, I realized the lesser Founding Fathers had added some detail to the armaments I could own and walk around with. I know this because I am a Constitutional Originalist, like Judge Scalia on the Supreme Court, Blessed Be His Name. For those of you who don’t know this doctrine of Constitutional interpretation, the most perfect and Conservative means of understanding ever devised, here’s another tidbit from the All-Knowing and ever-accurate Wikipedia:
“Originalism is a family of theories, principally:
- The 'original intent theory,' which holds that interpretation of a written constitution is (or should be) consistent with what was meant by those who drafted and ratified it.
- The 'original meaning theory,' which is closely related to textualism, is the view that interpretation of a written constitution or law should be based on what reasonable persons living at the time of its adoption would have declared the ordinary meaning of the text to be. It is with this view that most originalists, such as Justice Scalia, are associated.” [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Originalism]
Or, as the Internet Sage whom I appeal to tells us:
‘James Wilson, an original Justice on the Supreme Court, exhorted: "The first and governing maxim in the interpretation of a statute is to discover the meaning of those who made it.”’ [http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/BEARARMS.HTML]
Thank the Lord the interpretation of any document, much less the supreme law of the land, should be so easy! I, being a very reasonable person with access to a few history books left over after a book burning, made an exhaustive study of some facts relevant at the time of the ratification of the Constitution and Bill of Rights and came to some perfectly sane conclusions about the Holy and Inviolable Right to Bear Arms:
1. It says, plainly, everyone has the right to keep and bear arms.
2. The Constitution was ratified between 1787-1788.
3. The common arms available in 1787-88 were single shot black powder muskets, single shot black powder pistols, both of which used flintlocks and a primed pan and were muzzle loaders. Of course, people also had access to bows and arrows, bayonets, swords, knives, clubs, pole arms, broken bottles, rocks, and there were crude forms of extremely inaccurate rocket and smoothbore cannon.
4. Complex arms were mostly hand-made by craftsmen in the late 1700s using crude factory techniques without electricity. The same goes for the bullets and black powder.
5. If the Conservative interpretation of the Constitution must be consistent with the original meaning of its authors and their ordinary understanding of reality at the time they wrote the law, then the “arms” they had in mind are pretty much those and only those listed above, under number 3. Also, they must be constructed using techniques listed under number 4. Why? The Founders had no knowledge of future developments in armaments when they wrote the law, just as Jesus did not tell his Apostles, “Sell your cloaks and buy an AK-47 as soon as those become available in a couple of thousand years.”
So, for this reason, I understand that the truly Conservative interpretation commands me to go about armed as I presently am: a Native American spear and tomahawk (which I carry in my belt); a long rifle; six flintlock pistols strapped across my chest; two hunting knives in my buckskin boots; a sling and rocks in my back pocket. All handmade using non-electric means and involving homemade black powder. Admittedly, it’s bulky, but I feel I am armed sufficiently to keep the Government in fear of my might and will.
Contemporary weaponry is nowhere mentioned or intended in the 2nd Amendment – no cartridge weaponry, tasers, no poison gas, no nuclear weapons or artillery, no machine guns or semi-automatics, no revolvers or automatic pistols. No reasonable person at the time the law was written would have declared that the ordinary meaning of that law intended weapons of such power and complexity as to have been unimaginable to an average person of the 18th century.
So, there it is. The 2nd Amendment gives me a limitless right to carry handcrafted, bulky 18th c. arms, and nothing else, just like the Founders had. And I, as a proud Patriot, am pleased to drag these with me everywhere I go with my tricornered hat and faked vaguely British accent.
Now, you must forgive me, I am off on my horse to attend the latest Tea Party screaming match with a senator at the Town Hall meeting.
More by this Author
The short and sweet definition of Godwin’s Law is this (as stolen from Wikipedia): ‘“As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or...
For the sake of argument, let's say that abortion is immoral. I don't care what ethical system or religious belief one uses here, I'll simply grant at the outset: Abortion is immoral. Wrong. Not to be done. Ever. ...
Richard Van Ingram, 1991, linocut What we are seeing in the streets and hearing on the airwaves of our country at this moment has roots that run far deeper than categories such as “liberal” and...