The Zombie In Me
Wandering in my sleepy stupor, I realize it is 1:30 am. Time is a train-wreck for me as is life itself too.
My mind and imagination play games with me. Am I dead?
I see the faces and I recognize them from a day gone by. Embarrassment comes when I ask," are you from?" The answer is always no, but I know that I know them.
My head reels with frustration and confusion. Where am I and how did I get here?
I have always been in control, but since Jonda died, I feel as all control I have has left. Even my bowels would agree with that statement.
All along I thought that many wanted me dead when in all actuality, I am dead already. I am a zombie.
When I were a younger man, we ate lots of L.S.D., mushrooms and such. I used to come up with thoughts that would "blow" my friends minds.
We have coinciding realms and we die all the time to go into the next realm? All the same people and same faces. The plan being: if you do things right, you go to a higher realm and if wrong a lower realm. When we are completely done, we go to the highest realm, or if you were ultimately evil, the lowest realm.
Ok, Christian friends, don't "blow a gasket" on me. This is just my imagination and not how God works, I am sure. I just need to release the thoughts.
Is It Wrong?
Is it wrong to have such weird thoughts? Are they a sin?
I do question my existence. Really God, what am I here for?
Here it is 2 in the morning and I am writing about zombies. If I were to go to Walmart now, I bet there would be other zombies roaming the aisles. Some will wear smiling masks and some will have grouchy masks, but all, like myself, are probably hurting. The pain runs deep, but we all just zombie through it.
The only time I feel un-zombified is when I am in church on Sunday morning. When tears can run down my face and I really don't care what others around me are thinking. Just God and me and the release comes. I know the people near me are wondering, but it is still just God and me.
How to lose this zombie feeling? I really am clueless. I have thought about trying to find a woman who understands, but with my baggage, who in their right mind?
I see faces of happiness and I am jealous. I then am angry at myself for feeling jealousy and I am back in zombieland.
I want to be in Jonda's realm. I want her hugs and kisses to drown me, but probably never again. I will take this time now and reflect upon my life up until this point. I will open the King James Bible by my bed and open my mind and heart to the Will of God. I don't want to be a zombie. I want to change the world, even if it's just a little piece. Is it possible? I believe it is. I have watched people read writings of mine and seek help for addictions and problems after. No, I didn't change them, but God used me in a little way. He will you too, just let Him.
How to become a "normal" person again? I really don't know. Will it be someone in my life? A job? Maybe I will just completely lose my mind and who knows from there.
Prayer is my only answer. I pray I am led down the right path and not the zombie path.
I pray that I can open myself to those around me. How, I wanted to talk with the woman next to me in church Sunday, but the zombie side of me would not allow me.
Help me get out of zombieland please. I request your prayers. May God reign!
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© G.L. Boudonck
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