Things Not to Do or Say if You Are a Bully Who Owns a Produce stand
What leads a once-respectable citizen
to Turn His or Herself Into a Bully?
- Tired of living a clean life
- Financial trouble
- Dreams of being feared by others
- Yearning for "the life"--nice clothes, cash, and cars
- Living outside of the law
Welcome to the perils of a fading icon: The bully
Talk about tales to astonish, and I do not mean the fabled comic book. I mean you wake one morning and have the compelling-urge to throw your career, marriage, and responsibilities “down the tubes,” and just be a bully. Yep. A rowdy, cigarette-smoking, fist-fighting, swearing, daring, and taking crap from no one bully in the flesh.
What a burden lifted. No more staying true to the routine. Going to bed and waking at a certain time. You are in-complete charge of your life for once and man, does it feel great. As great as the moments you graduated from high school and college, but only better. You actually feel as if you have stepped into a complex scientific machine constructed and designed by the world’s elite scientific minds (for the C.I.A. to use in their various patriotic operations) and stepped out a brand-spanking new man. Not just a new man, but a real, he-man.
Before you leave your home and start living your life as a bully, you write your sweet wife a note about what you think happened and sign it, “Mr. Bully Newman,” a catchy name.
Let's talk about Roadside Stands
- Roadside stands are locations where growers sell their products, often at the site of production. Usually a roadside stand will be staffed by the same person who grew the food and is located at a convenient location on a road either on the farm or very close. It is another way for consumers to connect to the environment in which food is grown and the people who grow it. In comparison to farmer’s market stands, roadside stands are more convenient for the farmer because they do not have to load up their produce, drive to another location, set up, take down, reload the truck, drive back to the farm and unload the unsold produce.
- Farmer’s markets do however offer a steady customer flow in a short amount of time. Some roadside stands are on the honor system where people stop at a stand and leave money for what they took. Roadside stands offer another outlet for growers to sell their products in addition to other ways such as community supported agriculture, farmer’s markets and restaurants.
Slow Movement. 2011. “Slow Movement and You-Pick-It Farms & Roadside Stalls.” Retrieved on October 15, 2011 from http://www.slowmovement.com/u_pick_it.php
Your decision is made to be a bully, then you wonder how you will make a living
A few hours pass and it hits you. What will you do for a living? Honestly. You cannot expect to rob, extort, and mug for the rest of your life for even the best con’s and bullies get nabbed. So you sit down in the park and put your mind to work on this major problem.
Then it hits you. A produce stand. Yes, how simple and yet so complex and novel. You recall that “mom and pop” produce stand near your childhood neighborhood that was owned by “Marg Mom and Pete Pop,” and wonder if it is still standing. You run like a highly-trained Kentucky thoroughbred and there she is. The quaint, frame building with the cute sign barely hanging on the door that reads: “Mom and Pop’s Produce.”
I bet you are in a quandary, my dear reader, about why this once-regular guy suddenly became a vicious bully and now wants a produce stand. The answer is simple. To hide during the day from the authorities. This is a smart maneuver on the bully’s behalf. By night “Bully Newman,” can run wild robbing, fighting, doing all sorts of meanness and hide in the produce stand as the humble owner, “B. Newman.” This is a fool-proof plan. Even the master criminals, Dillinger, Nelson, Bonnie and Clyde, and Al Capone would shed tears of pride at the bully’s smooth plan.
But “Bully Newman’s,” slick plan comes with a burden to be borne. In daylight as he meanders around the produce stand greeting and serving customers, his evil nature cannot and must not surface. Otherwise, someone will report him to the law and suddenly his life as a bully is over in flash.
So there are
Things You Cannot Do or Say if You Are a Bully Who Owns a Produce Stand
A. Things you cannot say . . .
- "Hurry up, scum! I got a secret meeting down the street with some powerful men."
- "Correct change. Didn't you hear me?"
- "Watch this, kid! Heyyy, you wouldn't make it as a New York Yankee." (bully hits woman with ripe tomato).
- "Hey, woman! Woman! I am talking to you! Get your kid down from the table with the bananas or I'll toss you out."
- "Oh, you need a fresh cabbage? Here then!" (bully does his best bowling stance).
B. Things you cannot do . . .
- Have a game of craps in the back room near the turnip greens in plain-sight.
- Open up your produce stand a bit intoxicated from a bachelor party the night before.
- Yell to the top of your lungs at two elderly men who are used to having thorning coffee and talk.
- Curse the apple and orange vendor for being ten minutes late.
- Make inappropriate-passes at the pretty women who frequent your produce stand.
C. Ways you cannot act . . .
- Arrogant and looking down at people
- Winking at married women
- Inciting a riot in the street outside where people use rotting tomatoes
- Allowing your pet Doberman's, "Razor," and "Claw," to roam as they please inside your produce stand
- Grabbing the produce out of customer's hands and toss it into bags and not give it to the customers until they pay
And that, "Mr. Bully Newman," is the A, B, C's of owning a produce stand.
" . . .produce can be bought day or night in any given supermarket near or far, but when it's bought at a roadside stand, it just tastes better . . ."— A. Austin
More by this Author
You can survive a burglary.
I am not a tough person, mind or body. Not that I haven't dreamed of being man-enough to survive Marine boot camp. But knowing me, I would have been dishonorably-discharged--on day one.
To Emmett Kelly.