Things a High School Principal Should Never Say in a Student, Faculty Assembly

Notice: This is not a serious hub. This is comedy. The only things that are real are the photos of real high school principals. So if any of my Cherished-Followers are now or once was a principal, do not take offense. My hubs are intended solely for your entertainment. Any reprint or re-sharing without the express, written-consent of me, Kenneth Avery, is strictly-frowned upon.

From 1967 through 1972, you could not have paid me enough cash to make this statement: “High school principals have it rough.” Now that I am older, I can say that with ease. High school principals do have it rough. No comedy about it. The only other area of life that is comparable to the job of a high school principal is that of a woman, who by choice, decides to be the best homemaker on the block.

If you are a high school principal or homemaker, you have to learn how to juggle several things at once while walking a thin tight-rope without a net. And learn it quick. You have to be able to multi-task, listen to problems, solve problems, decide on a weekly-budget, make sure the people you are responsible for are fed, clothed, and disciplined if trouble arises.

This is scary just how close the jobs of a homemaker and high school principal really are. I could not master either job not even on my best day. But there are a lot of people in our country who do get up five days a week, if you are a high school principal and seven if you are a homemaker and do virtually the same tasks you did the day before and I say this with a serious tone of respect, “And you make it look easy.”

For the moment, allow me to tell the story of any given high school principal who is in his last year of service to his school and school system. Let’s say for time and space, this principal has served (with dignity and pride) for over 23 years, and after a long talk with his doting wife (during the summer school vacation), he has made “that” decision that he knew 23 years ago was coming and now “that” day is here. When school starts back in the fall, he is going to announce his retirement.

Yes, sir-eeee. One last round-up before hanging-up his lariat. One last campaign and hope that it is as smooth as his last one. One last time he will walk out his front door on a crisp August (or September) morning and a brief nine months later, he will be retired and be at home with his wife for years of relaxation, peace and able to enjoy life to the fullest. He should be able to enjoy his life to the fullest. He has earned every moment of it.

But first comes the very last school assembly that comes with each new school term. All of the students and teachers gather into the gymnasium with the nicked hardwood floor that he could never secure funding to get it replaced, and when their laughing, giggling, and monotone gossiping is over, he will step to the podium (one last time) and tell the faculty and student body what is expected of them.

On this very auspicious day, he is feeling a tad cocky and very brave. In his mind, he is imagining he is Morgan Freeman who played the Oscar-winning role of Joe Clark, the famous high school principal who cleaned-up Eastside High School in Paterson, New Jersey, one of the toughest inner city schools in the state. Freeman starred, as our principal friend is dreaming, in Lean on Me, a film released in 1989 about Clark’s life.

But a sudden pop of the gymnasium wooden doors brings this principal back to reality. He is still a tad cocky and brave, and starts barking (like a Marine drill sergeant), one last time, his program and agenda for the school year and so what if some of this goals and remarks are a bit risqué? He is retiring in a few months and he feels as he has earned this privilege of telling things like he wants them told.

This hard-working principal better be cautious, for the following is a list of . . .

“Things a High School Principal Should Never Say in a Student, Faculty Assembly”

for Stopping By!

A Brief Look at High School Principals:

High school principals fill important administrative roles in secondary schools and usually hold a master's degree or
Doctor of Philosophy (Ph.D.) in education or educational administration. Continue reading to learn more about job duties,
education requirements, employment outlook and salaries for high school principals.

Career Definition
High school principals supervise and facilitate the daily operations of private or public high schools.
Their duties include working with other school district and state education officials, establishing and
implementing academic goals and curriculum and allocating financial resources. High school principals
may also attend outside-school events, meet with parents or oversee disciplinary activities, which can extend
their work weeks well beyond 40 hours. They may be assisted in their duties by assistant principals and other
support staff that help them achieve their goals.

How to Become a High School Principal
Required Education
High school principals typically hold a master's degree or Ph.D. in an education-related field of study and have prior
experience in teaching or educational administration. While a master's degree can take approximately two years to complete,
a Ph.D. may require a 4-5-year commitment. Core coursework typically includes topics in educational administration, assessment,
law and theory, as well as studies in budgeting and finance. State licensing requirements for high school principals can vary;
private schools are generally less strict in their hiring criteria.

Skills Required
Strong interpersonal and communication skills are essential for high school principals.
They must also be engaging leaders and motivators who can make decisions and manage their time well.

• “Listen, you thugs! I mean business. I am in my 23^rd and last year of being principal and if you think I was tough in the previous years, you ain’t seen anything yet. Are you listening, students with criminal records and have bonded out of juvenile hall?”
• “And no more dealing drugs in the lunch room, ‘Mr. Columbian Traveler!” “God only knows that the students have enough to bear with the slop that is served to look like food in the feeding trough.”
• “I mean you no disrespect. Just look up here! (he is wearing his dress pants pulled down to expose his boxers.) I can be ‘Principal Hip Hop,’ any day . . .yeah!” “Turn on that Ice T CD and let’s get in the groove!”
• “I expect a zero tolerance on firearms of any kind in and on school property. That does not include my .357 Magnum I carry underneath my suit coat. So do ya’ feel lucky, punks?”
• “If you see me in the hallway dancing and singing, “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag,” tough! I am the principal, the boss. I can do pretty much what I want to do, but as for you thugs, you have got to watch your back!”
• “Hold it! You losers there in those steel chairs in front of me! Stand up and then lay face-down on the gym floor! Now chant to me like the followers of Saddam Hussein!”
• (He takes a flask out of his coat pocket and takes a swig.) “Ahhhh. What is in this flask? None, listen to me, of your business. Remember. I am ‘the man!”
• “This year there will be absolutely no fist-fights on this school property. Now if you want to put on some cockfights after hours, hey, I will be there laying my greenback down!”
• “Now here is a new rule for you. Any student who does not cause or get into any trouble with me or any of my lackey teaching staff members, will automatically get two free days to do as you please.”
• “Here, kid! Think fast!” (throws apple at a student sitting in the front row of the bleachers.)
• “I am going to install a new grade and credit incentive this year. Yes, sir. I know what it is like, well, no I do not know what it’s like to fail a grade—I spent good money on my answers! If any of you students, boys or girls want a good grade or some extra credit, just get with me after assembly and sign-up for my new program: “Keep Principal Ike’s Lexus Clean. Yeah! All you do is show-up each day, Monday through Friday, at 4 p.m. and bring the buckets and sponges and wash my car and vacuum it clean. Simple. It shouldn’t take you over three hours.”
• (breaks into this Joe Clark impression. Grabs a baseball bat) “Heyyyy! They used to call me ‘Insane Ike! Now they call me Aquaman!”
• “I also got one more new grade and credit program for you. If you want to keep a good grade and credit average, just be available for an entire weekend, you can swap-out with your buddies, and be ready to take me, or my wife, or children to the places they need to go.”
• “One more big surprise before we dismiss. (orders school janitors) Go on! Raise the cloth off of that huge picture of me . . .now applaud as loudly as you can while I stand here and look humble. And yeah, kids, that photo will be a permanent fixture of this school since this year is my last year and I couldn’t help it if it was paid for with school funds!”

After fifteen-minutes of eardrum-popping applause, an office secretary walks discretely to "Ike, the high school principal," and whispers something in his ear.

"Ike's" face turns so pale students and faculty think he has passed away.

He is without the ability to speak, so he starts shaking uncontrollably and has to be helped into a nearby chair.

The efficient office secretary delivers the sad news that there was a serious mix-up with "Principal Ike's" retirement papers and instead of this being his last year, the truth is he still has three years to go before retirement.

Not all stories in life have storybook endings.