Tubeless Bath Tissue? What's Next, Hologram Presidents?
I really have to ask, "What harm, if any, has the tube inside a roll of your bathroom tissue ever caused you?" Unless the tube became possessed with a demon from the dark side and attacked you in mid-bathroom use, I cannot think of any one hazard or danger an innocent tube that bathroom tissue has done that is so awful as to now have some big paper company do away with it.
Normally I would come at this topic from a comical standpoint, but not today. If there were ever a time for me to "draw a line in the sand," it's today. I hope that you will feel the same way for I welcome your help and support as we stand against this travesty of American industry masked as a "help" to rid our environment of the ecodangers of tubes from bath tissue.
Me? I think it's a deliberate act of vengeance toward these little tubes because one of the employees of this huge U.S. paper company had a rather embarrassing experience while "doing his business" in one of the company bathrooms. Upon completion of his "answering nature's call," unassumingly he reached for a few sheets of bath tissue, but to his chagrin, he only saw a tube in the place of his needed bath tissue.
Now he grew angry and began calling for someone to come to his aid. After a half-hour, a kindly, old janitor, "Mr. Hoskins," soon to be retired from this huge U.S. paper company sensed the problem and provided the angry, embarrassed employee with plenty of bath tissue. The grateful employee thanked "Mr. Hoskins," and went about his day, but the scars left from the embarrassment of not having bathroom tissue stayed with him.
Well, "the tissue is off the tube"
Creative wheels begin to turn
"Tolbert Jennings," the angry, embarrassed employee, as fate had dealt it, worked in the Research and Development Dept. of this huge U.S. paper company and it was time (he felt) to get even with this evil tube who conveniently disappeared to make him look foolish in the men's bathroom.
"Jennings," designed, drank coffee, worked nights, drank coffee, in machine-like fashion until a beaming smile appeared on his face. Realizing that if she were to shout "eureka," other employees would needle him until he shared his discovery. "Jennings," did a superb job in keeping a tight lip on the greatest moment in his life besides marrying "Sally Jo McPippins," his college sweetheart who was a proverbial free spirit meaning that she would leave him for days and return to stay a few weeks until she went on another one of her creative larks.
"Jennings" meets success
At first, the powers-that-be of this huge U.S. paper company smirked, laughed, and even scoffed at "Jennings," concept of a tubeless bathroom tissue.
"It's anarchy!" shouted "William Bixton," vice-president over Marketing. Note: "Bixton" was a near-genius at marketing any paper product in the company, but he had this paranoia about all new things being the root of an uprising and eventual overthrow of the Federal Government.
But "Jennings," had a streak of stubborn determination about him that drove him to tweak his tubeless bathroom tissue until the day came when even "Bixton," smiled and amazingly changed his worried mind about tubeless bathroom tissue being an early sign of anarchy.
And now even as I write this piece, the old saying, "the rest is history," easily comes into play. The huge U.S. paper company is now producing and advertising their new product on your television. Don't believe me. Spend a few hours watching your television tonight instead of going out with "The Taylor's," the couple next door who play bridge with you on Friday evenings and other things that adult couples play. Don't ask me why.
Now that this little, innocent, harmless tube in the center of your roll of bathroom tissue is now history, may I ask you what things we could have done with this item that is going to be placed in the Smithsonian Museum for teaching future generations? Plenty.
- Take a tube in each hand, placing them to each eye and you can have a pair of binoculars to play games with children at their birthday parties.
- If you have a tube of glue, you can glue two wheels to a tube and you have a cannon used in the War Between The States, and other conflicts.
- If you have a lot of tubes, and have the patience, you can actually a "tube cabin" that even Abe Lincoln that "ol' rail splitter" would have been proud to be born in.
- Close up one end of a tube and you can keep your push-pins, gem clips, spare change in is what now is a "storage tube."
- Use a single tube to use as a megaphone to talk to a baby (when crying) to make it happy again.
- Close up both ends of a tube, fill it with gun powder, drill a small hole for a fuse and well, you have a huge firecracker to shoot on the Fourth of July but remember . . . if you try this, you are entering a certain danger zone that I do not advise you to explore.
- It's a very long time until November 2016, so as one of his last, but finest acts of humanity, President Obama could prolaim June 20, (the day I discovered tubeless bathroom tissue), as "National Bathroom Tissue Tube Day." And make it a Federal holiday with all post offices, county government offices, schools to be closed in observance of this true day of appreciation to the once-overlooked bathroom tissue tube.
- And this one I would consider "the best" of all uses one could do with a tube from a roll of bathroom tissue . . .get in touch with Seth Green, co-creator/producer of "Robot Chicken," seen on Adult Swim. Green and his team of animators and claymation engineers could make the lowly bath tissue tube a household word and a hero in his own right. "Super Tube," could go around fighting waste of valuable bathroom tissue plus rescuing helpless tubes that are discarded by non-caring people. Tube's secret identity would be: "Tom Tube," quiet, obscure bath tissue tube who lives in a deserted mansion vacated by wealthy, eccentric millionaire, "J. Bigsby Weldon," creator of the flashy paper used to wrap candy bars. From his secret lair, "Super Tube," gets his tips from "Clark," a hobo feline who uses this disguise to gain entrance to homes where he is fed, pampered and checks out how the family treats their bathroom tissue.
These are only a few of the things one can do with a tube that once held our bathroom tissue on the rollers in our bathrooms.
I am sure that collectors are now in a frenzy all across the nation to get their hands on as many of these now-useful items so they can rake in the bucks from people who are now-hungry to get their hands on this soon-to-be expensive item.
The first baseball card collectors did it with baseball cards found in packs of bubble gum, so why not do it with tubes from bathroom tissue?
I can feel good about this. Now I am thinking of all the butt's that this one little, innocent, but all-important invention helped to clean.
This should teach us to not take our tubes for granted.
What about "Jennings?"
The employee who works for the huge U.S. paper company now making money by the bales for their "new" tubeless bathroom tissue received a respectable raise with the hope of a future promotion, plus his photo and story in the company newsletter. What a great day to be "Jennings," huh?
As for my headline that suggests hologram presidents? I do not see the problem with this idea. Whomever is the president could conduct his business from a guarded location while his image is being transmitted to a press conference, the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House or attending some high-level meeting with foreign dignitaries.
Just the savings on fuel for the President's limousine, Air Force One, entourage, and Secret Service salaries would be astronomical.
Take that, "Jennings."
© 2016 Kenneth Avery
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