Turning Six..........Again

The Numbers That Matter

So here we are............... the birthday I was supposed to celebrate doing something I've never done before. My friends and I have been mulling over numerous possibilities for months, and needless to say, we couldn't agree on anything. Then the handle of my kitchen sink broke off in my hand while I was making coffee yesterday for two of those very same friends. So I do get my wish, and I will be doing something I've never done before this weekend; I will be venturing into the world of plumbing for the very first time, and by God I will conquer that faucet.

What I really wanted wasn't quite so complicated. If I could be anywhere; it would be Alaska with my son; if I could do anything; it would be to stand at the base of a waterfall soaking in the mist and losing myself in the roar of rushing water; if I could see one face; it would be my dad's, and if I could hug only one person I'd have to split my kids in half because there wouldn't be a choice.

Needless to say, I won't get any of these things. My son is far away, and so is my daughter. The waterfall will sadly have to wait, and I will never again have the opportunity to gaze into my father's eyes, and my kids, they need to stay whole. So what's a girl to do? Exactly what everyone expects her NOT to do. This birthday will be spent on self reflection, ignoring true age, watching plumbing videos on youtube, and thinking about all of the lessons the last six years have taught me. I am turning six today. Not physically mind you, that's quite obvious, and not mentally; I wouldn't want to do any of it all over again. The first time was enough for me, but six is a good number, and I have learned more in the last six years than I had ever learned in those that preceded. Six is a good number, and I am claiming it for my own, just because I want to.

The last six years have been a roller coaster ride. There are periods where I've found myself flying down steep mountains, and occasionally I've jumped off that roller coaster head on into the unknown. I like to jump; I love the unknown; I've even learned to appreciate the occasional crash. Other periods find me leisurely rolling along checking out the landscape, crossing the country by myself, talking to myself for hours on end because I can't get a radio signal and one of the dogs has spilled the smoothie that took out my CD player. No radio, no music, just the sound of my own voice as I describe the landscape that surrounds me. Breathtaking!

Sometimes it's a never ending uphill climb, that slow chugging motion and the constant clicking of the rails; those times when it's all about paying the bills, and spending money I don't have. It's about two jobs, then three, and feeling like I never get off of the roller coaster because I'm always running from one place to the next. It's the time spent traveling back and forth, the time you spend missing the kids and feeling like your not a mother anymore, and worrying about the same thing, but I never had to worry; I'll always be their mom. I've never been one to focus on the number or the birthday, but the years that my children have ticked off since their entrance into the world never ceases to amaze me. Their birthdays leave my thinking, "Whoa! If you're adults what am I?"

The coaster never stops, but there are always those smooth patches in between the climbing and the falling. Those are the times I can see the world, the people, and the smiles. That's the ride that given me the most; the knowledge that goodness, kindness, strangers, and friends are both in front of and behind us. That we're never alone unless we want to be, and that there's always someone ready to tell you to open your eyes, but even better than that, that there's always someone ready to catch us when we fall, or to watch and laugh if we leap. I love knowing that I can leap and be answerable to no one but myself, and I love knowing that the people who love me will be there if I miss the mark.

In the last six years I've learned that there's nothing to hide from, that I can do anything. I've learned that not doing something because somebody else may judge you unkindly or become angry is no reason not to do it, and every reason to. I've learned that the freedom and sense of adventure I instilled in my children applies to me as well, that the freedom I abandoned for a short while wasn't given up, that you can take it back in its entirety, that no one can hold you prisoner without your consent, and that a marriage certificate doesn't make a marriage.

So for my son; on this my sixth birthday I give you the picture you wanted. The people reading this won't know that I run from cameras, that the photographs I hold in my mind are the real things, or that the "fake" photos of happy smiles and shadowed eyes have long left the place we live. Last year wasn't the first birthday celebrated without you, but it was the first since you've left home. You've lived in three different states in the last year, and I am so lucky that you don't need a reason to call me, that I don't have to wait for a call or a special occasion to hear your voice. Enjoy the picture QT, it the first in what? Ten years? I wish I was with you, and I will be soon.................. sitting in front of this very same monitor watching the satellite feed of your game. Technology is a wonderful thing. That you've even entered this site amazes me, and yet again, I know you will stay far away from certain topics. No need to read through what you've lived through. You make me smile every day............. never forget that.

For my daughter............ you are always going to be half my age (that makes you three, ugh, I might want to go back before you could talk). Don't you love it? And yet you're far wiser at your age than I ever was. You've learned as much as I have, and although I wish I could have kept you wrapped up in a blanket; that wasn't to be. I respect your innate independence, and I try to ignore your occasional self righteousness (most of the time), and when I can't ignore it I will continue to step on you just a bit. You are the toughest woman I know, and the most beautiful, inside and out. I know you'll never read this, but had to say it anyway just in case you decide to stop by someday. The unspeakable hasn't been spoken, it's just been written, and when all is said and done it is nothing but words.

So off I go; I've written my first birthday hub, and I'm going to install my first faucet, or attempt it anyway. But I forgot one thing, and that would be the most important thing I've learned in the last six years.................. birthdays are just days, and days can't be measured in hours and minutes; they are measured in moments. Live the moments.



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Comments 62 comments

mjd04 7 years ago

fortunate kids


Cleanclover profile image

Cleanclover 7 years ago from Piece of land!

Fantastic Kaie. I never celebrate birthdays but try to live each day like one. Moments are all that we get to live so making the most of them while we can is our only true purpose of living isn't it?


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 7 years ago Author

Cleanclover- That says it all. One of my favorite quotes. "We do not remember days, we remember moments." Casare Pavese

Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow isn't promised, so we live today.

Thank you for the kind words.........


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 7 years ago from Chicago

Now I can see you clearly, Kaie. You are a truly lovely woman. Externally and internally. I enjoyed getting to know you better through this journey. Thanks for sharing your story.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 7 years ago Author

Thank you James......... I'm glad you shared it. I might say the same about you, and I do.


Ohma profile image

Ohma 7 years ago

After reading this Hub, I am proud and humbled, it makes the comment you left for me on my hub very dear indeed. Thank-you.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 7 years ago Author

You are very welcome, and I meant what I said. Glad you came by.


Rascal Russ Miles profile image

Rascal Russ Miles 7 years ago from Show Low, AZ USA

AWESOME insightful Hub. I'm glad that I found you,Sweet Kaie, by a "Hopful" comment hat you posted to the hub of a hurting mother.

I am your latest fan.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 7 years ago Author

Thank you Rascal Russ Miles! Without hope, we have nothing.


hypnodude profile image

hypnodude 6 years ago from Italy

Great hub Kaie. Very inspiring and thoughtful. Life measured by moments is a great definition, and we share too the same desire, and the same result, about the one face we would like to see. Beautiful writing.


Dale Mazurek profile image

Dale Mazurek 6 years ago from Canada

I just am in awe some days at the talent I get to read at Hubpages.

This is such a greatly written hub.

Not only did I rate it up, I am now following you but the hub is now listed on my blog as well.

You can find the link to my blog on my profile page.

Cheers

Dale


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

hypnodude- Thank you very much, and thank you for the compliments. Life is what we make it one moment at a time!

Ahhhhhh, you too wish for that one last look at your father's face, maybe more than one! Hopefully, one day we will have that. I never thought I could miss one face or one voice as much as I miss his. He took a part of me with him when he left this world, but that's okay; it belonged to him; it was his to take!

K


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Dale- Wow, thank you, and thank you again!

Hubpages has a wealth of fabulous and talented writers; I appreciate your believing me to be one of them.

Thanks for stopping by, and once again, for the compliments.

K


Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

Kaie I was moved by your story. For some reason I kept thinking about the old A.A. Milne book "Now We Are Six"- one of my favorites since I was six. I think you've gotten the message; life is an ever evolving adventure, even if it just presents us with faulty plumbing. Good job.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Green Lotus- I've never read that book; I'll have to find a copy and read it! I still love children's books, and have quite a few favorites myself.

Yes, I got the message, and life is exactly that........... the adventure that never ends; unless of course you decide to just sit back and watch rather than be a part of it. Me............ I just dive in, even when it's a broken faucet!

Thank you for your comments!

Kaie


"Quill" 6 years ago

Thank you for sharing...well written and a blessing to read...

Blessings


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Quill- Thank you.............. I'm happy you stopped by!

Kaie


habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

What a beautiful yet hauntingly sad hub. It reminded me of Tennyson's "Tears, Idle Tears." where do the years go?


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

habee- Thank you----- I think you've seen the sadness in the missing. Miss my kids............. will forever miss my Dad, but I'll always have the smiles! The missing and the memories are filled with smiles......... he gave me those every day of his life.

Thank you for stopping by........... always good to see you!

Kaie


MFB III profile image

MFB III 6 years ago from United States

Happy birthday..there is nothing I can give you except my best wishes, for you are already extremely gifted, and discovering more wonders each day. 7's coming and it's always lucky...so Godspeed to that day.~~~LOL~~MFB III


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

MFB III- Seven is Lucky! :-D

I'll make sure to mark that one......... we shall see! I mean, what can beat 8 hours working on a faucet? But I did it! :-) That made it an extra special day.........

Thank you for the compliment........... and yes, every day holds new wonders! I appreciate each and every one that comes my way........

Thanks again,

Kaie


Justine76 6 years ago

So, your six and a half now? :) Another great hub with a much needed message. Thanks.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Justine- 6 1/2.............. well, I thought maybe I could quit counting now :-D. stay six forever? Nah, six and a half sounds good! This message was a good one, which means I am very happy that you've read it, and more than that; you got it. You're very special you know? And I am here looking out for you....... all you have to do is holler............ you're welcome! Stay strong; your castle is gone, but you can still be six, again!

Kaie


Justine76 6 years ago

someday, I've got to be one first... :) and I'M SPECIAL??? well..thanks. Im not real good at hollering, ya know? I manage if needed. Ill write soon. Thanks again. EVEN IF YOU SAY ITS NOT NEEDED!!!!!!! I feel thankful, so there. :P


parrster profile image

parrster 6 years ago from Oz

Pity I hadn't read this earlier, I was a plumber for eight years (in what seems another life time ago), might have been able to assist... remotely. Hope it all went well.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Justine.......... First birthdays are wonderful, all about sticking your fingers in the cake and eating with your hands........... rebellion at its best :-D

Yes, you're special........... and I'm not very good at hollering either, but sometimes you just have to let it go, can't choke on the silence forever; sometimes the screams need to have their freedom too!

You are welcome, and you're right........... no thanks are needed!

Kaie


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

parrster- all went almost well, but it got done! I'm actually pretty adept at fixing things, but admittedly even better at breaking them ;-)

But I wouldn't have turned away the assistance.......... and I'll be in touch the next time the water is flying........... just like a geiser!

Thanks for the info!

Kaie


nikonmaven profile image

nikonmaven 6 years ago from Weatherford, Oklahoma

In a world that promises connectedness and inspires isolation, your balance and warmth are awe-inspiring.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

nikomaven- thank you............ I am at a loss for words, and that doesn't happen very often ;-) Glad you stopped by; you made me smile!

Kaie


Bail Up ! profile image

Bail Up ! 6 years ago

I too have a son and daughter and totally identify with some of your feelings. Although mine are a bit closer to home I give them their space. I'm happy they are independent and self sufficient caring individuals. What more could we want as parents? Plus gives me time to reflect, appreciate the beauty of our surroundings and of just being.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Bail Up- I could never want more............ they are beautiful, complete human beings. You are very like me then........... we are lucky!

Reflection time is very welcome to me............ I've kind of gotten used to the quiet. My son just came in for an extended visit; he's like a ship in the night, never know when the door will be opening or closing, but it's good to have him back for a bit! Thanks for stopping by~ Kaie


FirstStepsFitness profile image

FirstStepsFitness 6 years ago

Very well written and insightful !


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

FirstStepsFitness- Thank you! ~~~ Kaie


fred allen profile image

fred allen 6 years ago from Myrtle Beach SC

I want to call you Cinderella. You are a princess hidden in a handmaiden.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Fred- Thank you............. a handmaiden, yeah, occasionally I do qualify for that........ a princess :-D ............. yeah, maybe.......... but always in jeans......... I'd never pull off the crown. Glad you stopped by......... Kaie


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

Reflection is the fuel of knowing yourself... Insightful hub. thanks for sharing!


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

dallas93444- Taking the time, or even having the time to sit back and reflect is an under rated commodity............. I try to make sure that when I need those moments; I take them! Good to see you........... Kaie


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

Kaie Arwen, When you have seen the future and decided to live, the wisdom you learned will provide the "fuel, drive/need" to reflect. The dynamic balance of life is good for us ...


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

dallas93444- I couldn't agree more............. balance is a good thing!


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 6 years ago from Minnesota

Another amazing hub chalked full of emotions. I really respect who you are and where you've been. I am sorry that part of your journey was hard but I know it has made you who you are. Here's to your 6th birthday, a birthday that might have plumbing involved but most important, PEACE. God Bless


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

MT- Thank you............... the journey wasn't always easy, but it's not over yet, and I'm enjoying every moment. Six has been a good year............. happiest ever. I'm a lucky girl! Kaie


Healing Touch profile image

Healing Touch 6 years ago from Minnetonka, MN

Kaie Arwen,

It has also been six years for me since I have been out of that life with my ex who is a doctor. I never thought anyone would believe, me but the truth sets you free and people saw beyond his charm.

I had to giggle at the plumbing on your birthday because my life is so much like that now. You should read my hub on life after divorce is so sweet. I can fix toilets, mow the lawn and do many of the things that I always thought my brothers did. I too, know I can do anything and when people complain of things I have to say to them the truth. You have nothing to complain about. Life is a gift and I like you am now enjoying its sweetness.

I still can't believe we are both at six years.

Stay true to your self as I see your doing. We are survivors. I now teach other women on family violence. God is so good.

Healing touch


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Healing Touch- Six is a good number, and they say that seven is lucky. we're almost there! But I have to say that I wouldn't trade being six for anything; it's been a great year.......... the best.

Plumbing I can do without :-( but everything else......... I've always done. I enjoy the yard unless it's REALLY hot, but I don't hide out there anymore. My yard is far from what it used to be, but it used to be a "safe place," and I don't need it to be that anymore. The house is filled with peace and good things........... those things overflow, and alas are responsible for the appearance of the oh so beautiful weeds. I've come to love those weeds!

Yes, we're both six. It took awhile to get here, but it was well worth everything it took along the way. What you do for other women is a tremendous thing........... God smiles on you, and yes, he is so good! We'll be having another birthday soon......... time to eat cake! Kaie


Healing Touch profile image

Healing Touch 6 years ago from Minnetonka, MN

ThanksKaie,

Happy sixth to us. Lets eat dairy queen cake. My fave. And your right next year is lucky seven, but lets feel the moment and love the sixth. I know your enjoying it

Healing touch


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Healing Touch- Dairy Queen! Yum! Now that's a birthday, although I am secretly an addict of those ever so wonderful Mud Pie Blizzards................ I think I'm hungry! :-D

Feel the moment we will............... we are blessed! Kaie


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 6 years ago from Nashville Tn.

Very good hub, written with truth and light. I imagine it was a healing experience for you as well. How blessed your children are and one day they will most assuredly realize that. How marvelous to find you and meet you through HP. I am forever a fan and follower. Blessings to you, beautiful Kaie.


Lita C. Malicdem profile image

Lita C. Malicdem 6 years ago from Philippines

What a way to meet halfway this number puzzle we, women oftentimes regard as a foe? Hahaha! If you don't mind, I have my way of acknowledging its unwanted coming, about this thing- turning to 6 issue. That was 4 years ago- and I love to call myself a Senior Debutante! Since then, my life in my lonesome brings me great surprises.

I have only 2 daughters living away from home because of their jobs. I see me in you- haggling with anything there are to fix around the house. You're a talented writer, daughter, mom, and friend.

I love this- "If I could see one face; it could be my dad's and if I could hug only one person I'd have to split my kids in half because there couldn't be a choice". I want to link you by this in my future hubs or blogs. Can I do it, please?

I felt the warmth all over as I read from top to bottom- several times! Your kids must read this tribute to them. I know they'll find it soon! God Bless you and the kids!


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Lita- This is my life. I am fortunate, and soon to be seven. It'll be hard to leave six behind. Six brought many surprises, lots of love, and the knowledge that I have finally found home.

I miss my dad everyday, always will, but sometimes I can feel his presence, and in the end, I know he's up there watching out for my boy. That's where he's supposed to be.

I hate fixing things around the house, and I'm admittedly much better at breaking them or making them worse ;-) but I try!

You are no senior debutante; you are beautiful through and through. True beauty comes from the inside; outside it SHINES! As for linking this............ feel free. God bless, and I'll be over soon. Kaie


katyzzz profile image

katyzzz 6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

Kaie, you took my breath away and made me feel very humble, you have certainly got it all together and I think that makes me just "one". Well done. What a great little 6 year old.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

katyzzz- I don't always have it together, but for a six year old........... I think I'm doing pretty well. Tomorrow makes seven........... it's been an enlightening year, and I've received many gifts............ every day! Thanks for visiting ~ Kaie


Cheeky Girl profile image

Cheeky Girl 6 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

Wow, it gives "turning six again" a whole new meaning. This is a wonderful introspective hub, and some lovely thoughts and aspirations. This is very human. I enjoyed reading this, I can understand you thinking about your Father and your kids. The distance thing is tough. My heart goes out to you, Kaie. I am happy to rate up this excellent and well-written hub. Cheers! Happy Thanksgiving. :)


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Cheeky Girl- I actually turned seven this week............ six was a great year; we'll see if we can make this one even better! My thoughts were very much the same........... ironically, my son was in Alaska playing on the road for the second year in a row (what are the chances of that?), and my daughter is still in North Dakota............ and my dad........... some day I will see that face. Love him!

Other than that, I have been blessed beyond belief. I have everything..........

Happy Thanksgiving to you! Kaie


gr82bme profile image

gr82bme 6 years ago from USA

Great hub! Well done. I am going to send this on to my daughter. Voted up


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 6 years ago Author

Thank you........... I hope she enjoys it! Kaie


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 5 years ago

Kaie , all through this , Grab your kids and pull them to your breast , they will be you're saviour. The sink is the easy part....stay well.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 5 years ago Author

ahorseback- I sank long before turning six................. but I never stayed under for long! My kids, nothing compares.............. I am better than well ~ thank you ~ Kaie


Healing Touch profile image

Healing Touch 5 years ago from Minnetonka, MN

Kaie Arwen

I had to come wish you a happy 7 birthday. I am so impressed on how you have come beyond the nightmare. Bless you dear friend.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 5 years ago Author

Healing Touch- Thank you! Seven will be a great year! Good to see you.................. and thanks for the blessing. They're always appreciated ~ I'll be by soon! Kaie


Yasinta 5 years ago

Hi Kaie I accidentally open your pages when I was looking for some famous painters...And I love you writing :) it's very nice...


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 5 years ago Author

Yasinta- Thank you very much! Glad to have you here................ Kaie


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 5 years ago from Chicago

Live the moments. Good concept. I hope you are in a happy place now.


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 5 years ago Author

James- You know I am................ the happiest of places!

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