Why Doritos Are the Missing WMDs

Cutting-Edge Dorito Technology

The Case for a WMD Conspiracy

The use of Doritos as inflictors of pain is more common than you might think. In fact, the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) reported no fewer than 9,7283 incidents of Doritos Double Dipping (DDD) during the 2009 football season, alone.

The dangers of double dipping have been widely publicized. However, hungry football fans are too intent on the game to pay much heed to the risk.The result is saliva-contaminated salsa, guacamole or onion dip. This is followed by horrific heartburn, pain and suffering (especially when your team loses to the sissies with the 0-7 record). Add in a few too many brews and you can easily end up projectile vomiting (hopefully into the toilet or bushes outside, NOT back into the dip bowl!).

Recognize that distinctive orange glow?

Purpose of this Hub

While unfortunate, these incidents of projectile vomiting do not qualify Doritos as projectile weapons in the classic sense. True, if you spew all over your date or the bleachers in front of you, you are gonna make some enemies. Note to self: Next time buy a smaller bag.

The purpose of this hub is to explain how this top-selling snack food came to be a bona fide projectile weapon. I have done extensive research. I have posted links and fairly detailed backup information here below. Everything I have read has led me to the same conclusion.

We have finally found the WMDs!

Some of you will want to read every word -- more than likely to find some teeny tiny flaw in my argument that you can then flaunt in my face and get this entry disqualified from Stan Fletcher's "Killer Ideas for Your Next Hub" contest or investigated by the FBI or something.

Take heed, people. I have uncovered a shocking orange conspiracy:

They're not just a snack, they're a form of attack! (Complete with "shock and awe" of the sticky-crunchy variety).



Dawn of the Deadly Orange Triangle

My Weapons of Mass Doritos Theory

Basically, here's my argument. You may look at it as natural (or artificial) evolution, or as a perfect cool ranch storm of unrelated events. Or, you can face the harsh reality that our government has been colluding with big brother brands for decades.

In my theory there are three prongs which converge into a lethal point.  There are actually more like four prongs, but since Doritos have three points I'm going with three. Stay with me here. It will all be clear in a minute.

The modern-day use of triangular, orange corn chips as projectiles is a direct -- and I would argue deliberately planned --result of these factors:

1. The development by Kraft of orange fake food (Velveeta, Cheez Wiz, Macaroni & Cheese in the blue box, Tang)

2. The adaptation of powdered orange flavoring to corn-based snacks (first Chee-tos, then Doritos) by Frito-Lay

3. The Vietnam War, without which we might never have invented Agent Orange. AO inspired today's Doritos-in-combat (DIC) situations.

4. The fourth prong is the evolution of weaponry itself. For influence, we look to the very earliest days and, as mentioned in #3, the introduction of Agent Orange. Basically we have the ancients to thank. They came up with idea of hurling pointy things to make holes in people and kill them. But as you will note if you do spend the time to read through the weapons history, there are/were several places where Doritos could have, perhaps should have, been substituted.

Go Ahead, Chip Away

But ...before you scoff and call my research pseudo science, or outright poppycock, consider this timeline of critical events:

1914  American soldiers are given fake cheese in a tin. This cheese is "manufactured" by Kraft. How do we suppose they used that cheese product? Did they consume the cheese? Or did they toss the tins at their enemies like cheesy grenades (only without the explosive)?

1937  Kraft introduces its famous Macaroni & Cheese. It is the first commercial product to feature powdered cheese. When first combined with butter and milk, the cheesy powder turns an electric orange color before mellowing out to a lighter orange.

1948  Either through imitation (which we all know is the sincerest form of flattery) or pirating (much more likely) Kraft's orange cheese powder recipe, Frito-Lay lays the groundwork for its future dominance of the snack food market.

Puffed orange Chee-tos are introduced. As it happens, Chee-tos are the same neon orange as described above, only even more blindingly orange. Not only that, but when the orange powder mixes with saliva (which it inevitably does, since you eat Chee-tos with your fingers) it forms a nasty, staining orange paste.

1957 Kraft regains its dominance with the introduction of TANG instant breakfast drink. TANG is marketed as the drink of astronauts (NASA and the space program are wildly popular at the time). I can find no direct relation between astronauts and weapons, except to point out that the astronauts' mission was to conquer space (kinda like an army conquers its enemy, without the bloodshed).

As the '50s draw to a close, it's clear that in the realm of artificial orange foodstuffs, Kraft is still king.

It will be a full decade before Frito-Lay fires back with intensity.

1965  Meanwhile, the United States is fully engaged in Vietnam. Densely forested terrain creates problematic camouflage for the VC. A powerful defoliant called "Agent Orange" is used to clear paths and expose the enemy.

As far as I know, this is the first time the word "orange" has been used in conjunction with a weapon of war. Years later, the evil after-effects of AO on humans will become clear.

1966  Frito-Lay begins test-marketing a new triangular tortilla chip under the brand name Doritos.

1967  Doritos launch proves successful, but additional market research reveals that many consumers consider the chip to be too bland--not spicy enough. In other words, Doritos needs more firepower . So Frito-Lay ups the ammo, so to speak.


Have I convinced you yet?

If not, I invite you to read on.

In the left hand column you will find the history of weapons. It's quite abridged. But there is a link to the full article for those so inclined.

The right hand column follows the progression of orange food from processed cheese to deadly corn chips.

I've included a poll at the end. Please take a minute to vote. Thank you.

Kraft Pioneers of Fake Orange Cheesestuff

  • 1903: J.L. Kraft starts a wholesale cheese business in Chicago.
  • 1914: J.L. Kraft & Bros. Co. open their first cheese factory in Stockton, Illinois. Within a year they begin producing process cheese in tins. The U.S. government provides cheese in tins for the armed forces during World War I.
  • 1928: Kraft introduces VELVEETA process cheese.
  • 1937: KRAFT Macaroni and Cheese Dinner introduced with the advertising slogan of "Make a meal for 4 in 9 minutes."*
  • 1950: KRAFT Deluxe process cheese slices, the first commercially packaged sliced process cheese
  • 1952: CHEEZ WHIZ pasteurized process cheese spread is introduced.
  • 1954: Kraft introduces CRACKER BARREL brand natural cheese.
  • 1957: The General Foods Corporation introduces TANG, breakfast beverage crystals**

*Where's John Hamm when you need him, eh? Get it? Hamm & Cheese? (For those not familiar with the AMC's Mad Men, it is about the advertising business. This slogan needs some serious, serious help).

**Yes, I realize TANG is not technically (or even non-technically) a cheese. However, it is the pinnacle of food products of an orange color so artificial it is not found in nature, but has been fund on the moon!

Explosion? Yikes!

Now Isn't THIS Interesting?????

  • 1988: Kraft, Inc. is bought by Philip Morris*
  • 1989: Philip Morris Companies combined Kraft, Inc. and General Foods Corporation to form Kraft General Foods, the largest food company in the U.S.

*Makers of weapons of mass lung destruction, aka cigarettes.

Mmm, Yummy!

From Frito-Lay Company History

1932: Elmer Doolin founds the Frito Company in San Antonio, Texas, and begins making Fritos corn chips.
1938: Herman W. Lay buys Atlanta potato chip maker, changes name to H.W. Lay & Company, Inc., the following year.

1948: Frito Company introduces Chee-tos snacks
.
1958: Frito Company acquires the rights to Ruffles brand potato chips.
1961: The Frito Company and H.W. Lay & Company are merged to form Frito-Lay, Inc.
1965: Frito-Lay, Inc. and the Pepsi-Cola Company merge to form PepsiCo, Inc., with Frito-Lay becoming a division of the new company.
1967: Doritos tortilla chips make their national debut.

Borrowed from James Bond's License to Kill, Perhaps?

Agent Orange vs. Doritos

Agent Orange is one of several herbicidal (plant-killing) preparations that was used by the U.S. military to destroy forests and enemy crops in Vietnam in the 1960s. Agent Orange was created by mixing equal quantities of two agricultural herbicides commonly used to kill weeds: 2,4-D and 2,4,5-T. Present in the 2,4,5-T as an impurity was 2,3,7,8-tetrachlorodibenzo-p-dioxin (usually abbreviated to TCDD), a dioxin contaminant that is highly toxic to some animals. (Dioxin is a term used collectively for a group of chemical by-products of papermaking and other manufacturing processes.)

Agent Orange

Classic Flavors

Doritos 1st Degree Burn Blazin Jalapeno Chips

Ingredients: Whole corn, vegetable oil (corn, sunflower, and or soybean oil), corn maltodextrin, salt, whey, natural flavors, sodium diacetate, jalapeno pepper powder, monosodium glutamate, dextrose, sugar, cream, butter (cream, salt), cornstarch, onion powder, spices, canola oil, modified cornstarch, sour cream (cultured cream, nonfat milk), cheddar cheese (milk, cheese cultures, salt, enzymes), artificial color (including: Yellow 6 Lake*, Yellow 6, Yellow 5, Red 40, Blue 1), Swiss cheese (milk, cheese cultures, salt, enzymes), Colby cheese (milk, cheese cultures, salt, enzymes), paprika extract, Monterey Jack cheese (milk, cheese cultures, salt, enzymes), and artificial colors.

*Yellow 6 LAKE? Whoever heard of Yellow 6 Lake? I know this is some kind of code. I just know it!

Brief Evolution of Weaponry

PREHISTORIC WEAPONS

Early man used a variety of clubs, axes and spears,bows and arrows

Swords arrived with metal-making capabilities

Boomerangs were not intended to return to sender

ANCIENT WEAPONS

The Sumerians used bows and arrows, spears, axes and clubs

Egyptian soldiers fought with spears, swords, axes, daggers and clubs or maces, slings and bows and arrows

The Assyrians (region that is now Iraq) were the first people to use only iron weapons.

Greek armies carried long spears made of wood with a metal point. They also carried swords and daggers.

Roman soldiers carried a throwing spear but their main weapon was a short sword called a gladius.

The Assyrians used battering rams, a long pole with a metal point. The Assyrians also used siege towers, on top of which were archers who shot arrows into the enemy city.

The Macedonians invented the catapult, firing a stone powered by twisted rope. The catapult. was later used by the Romans.

Random fact: They often called it an onager (wild ass).

WEAPONS IN THE MIDDLE AGES

Saxons fought with spears, swords and battleaxes.

The Vikings, dreaded throughout Europe, fought with spears, axes and swords.

The tops of castle walls often had overhangs with openings through which boiling liquids could be poured or stones could be dropped. They were called machicolations.

Attackers could use a variety of siege weapons. The simplest was a battering ram. They could also use a kind of crane called a tenelon to get over the wall. On the end of a long wooden arm was a basket containing soldiers. The basket could be swung over the castle walls.

Imagine, if you will , that all the soldiers in those baskets were munching on Doritos! Too bad -- that's a fun visual, but would be historically inaccurate.

The long end of the trebuchet was winched down and when it was released the weight at the short end swung down. The long end swung up firing the missile.

In the 14th century warfare was changed by the longbow. With the longbow an archer could shoot an arrow every 5 or 6 seconds and shoot an arrow up to 225 metres. The one disadvantage of the longbow was that it took years to learn to use one properly .

Not to worry, though. If you missed one war, by the time you finished mastering the longbow there'd be another one!

The Romans used a version of the crossbow called a hand ballista. Some crossbows were so powerful they had to be loaded by a mechanical device called a cranequin. It was such a terrible weapon that in 1139 the Pope decreed that it should not be used against Christians but only against Muslims.

Note: I am rather surprised this little tidbit hasn't shown up in the Religion or Politics Forums!

WEAPONS 1500-1800

In the 16th century guns transformed warfare.Most cavalry stopped using lances, instead carrying two or three pistols along with sabres.

Muskets took a long time to reload so during reloading the infantry needed protection. They were protected by men with pikes (a weapon like a long spear).

The introduction of cannons meant that fortifications had to be re-designed. Forts now had bastions. These bastions were triangular sections of wall that jutted out from the rest of the wall. Guns on the bastion could fire at approaching soldiers from the sides.

A-ha! Bastions are TRIANGULAR! See the connection with Doritos? You don't?

Canister or case shot was used to kill enemy soldiers or sailors.This was a cylindrical container filled with sharp stones or pieces of metal. When fired, the cylinder burst and sprayed the enemy.

Historical note: They probably would have loaded the cylinders with Doritos, since they have pointy edges. Alas, it would be at least another 170 years till Doritos came available.

Cannons galore! By the late 16th century England had cannons royale or double cannons, which fired shot of 60-70 pounds. Whole cannons fired shot of 40 pounds and demi-cannons fired shot of 30 pounds. Culverins fired shot of 15-20 pounds and demi-culverins fired shot of 10-12 pounds. Sakers fired shot of 6-7 pounds, Minyons fired balls of 3-4 pounds. Falcons fired 2 pound shot and falconets fired 1 pound shot.

The Aztecs fought with slings and spears made of wood with blades edged with pieces of sharp obsidian. However their main weapon was a wooden club called a maquahuitl, which was also lined with pieces of razor sharp obsidian.

Meanwhile, both the Japanese and the Indians learned to make guns.

Japanese samurai fought with long swords called katana and short swords called wakizashi. They also used spears called yari and daggers called tanta. Samurai also had skewers called kogai and small knives called kozuka.

Indian soldiers fought with a curved sword called tulwar or with a type of sabre called a shamshir. IThey also used a steel axe called a khanjar, a form of dagger called katar, and an axe called a bhuj, a short, heavy knife with a long handle.

Sikhs used a steel quoit called a chakram. The outer edge was very sharp and when thrown it would slash the enemy. Indians also fought with matchlock muskets.

17th CENTURY WEAPONS

Early on firearms were either matchlocks or wheel locks. Both of these were gradually replaced by the flintlock, which worked by hitting a piece of flint and steel making sparks.

During this period the cartridge was invented. The musket ball was placed in a container, which held the right amount of gunpowder to fire.

About 1680 the ring bayonet was invented. With bayonet fixed, a musket could be used as a weapon even if it had been fired and was not reloaded.

Grenades came into play in 1677. An early grenade was simply a hollow metal ball filled with gunpowder and lit with a fuse.

There were no fundamental changes to weapons in the 18th century, but artillery became lighter and more mobile.

MODERN WEAPONS

The industrial revolution transformed warfare. At the beginning of the 19th century the Congreve rocket was introduced. However, rockets lacked both range and accuracy and they fell from favor.

In 1837 the first breech loading firearm, the needle-gun, was invented. Over the following decades the breech loading rifle was refined and improved.

In the late 19th century rifles were improved further by the introduction of magazines, which greatly increased the rate of fire.

In 1835 Samuel Colt invented the revolver. Traditionally the cavalry fought with pistols and swords, but the revolver made swords obsolete.

In the 19th century many people experimented with machine guns. The first really successful machine gun was the maxim gun.

War at sea was changed by exploding shells, by steam engines and by iron ships. Soon the traditional gun deck on warships was replaced by turret guns on the top deck.

The modern torpedo was developed in the 1860s.

In the 19th century new explosives were invented to replace gunpowder. TNT was invented in 1863, dynamite in 1867, Cordite in 1889.

During skirmishes with would-be colonists, African warriors fought with spears and throwing axes as well as bows. They also used throwing knives, which had several blades pointing in different directions.

Note: I think you can see a direct genesis here. Knives with several blades pointing in different directions leads to Doritos with corners pointing in different directions.

20th CENTURY WEAPONS

Firearms were now extremely powerful. Armies dug lines of trenches with barbed wire and machine guns.

In 1915 the Germans used gas on the western front and used the first flamethrowers.

In 1917 the British tried mining under the German trenches then packing the tunnels with explosives.

Note: There is no documented proof that these explosives were (or were not) unpowdered corn chips.

In 1916 the British introduced the tank. British and French tanks proved decisive in winning World War I.

In 1918 the Germans introduced the first sub-machine gun, which could be operated by one man. In 1920 the Thompson sub-machine gun or Tommy gun was produced.

Then came the U-boat. People had experimented with submarines since the early 17th century, but it was the invention of the diesel engine that made submarines feasible.

In 1915 the Germans began using Zeppelin airships to bomb British cities. However, Zeppelins proved very vulnerable to fire from planes and anti-aircraft guns.

At the beginning of the First World War (WWI) aircraft were used to observe the enemy. During the war aircraft technology changed rapidly. But the war ended before aircraft could play a decisive part.

During WWII aircraft realized their full potential. Dive bombers were used to bomb cities and destroy the enemy's industries.

Tanks continued to play a dominant role, despite the development of anti-tank guns.

During World War II the Germans began using rockets. On June 13, 1944 they launched the first V-1 flying bomb. More dangerous was the V-2 rocket.

A significant development was the atomic bomb. On August 6,1945 The US exploded the first one over Hiroshima and on August 9 another exploded over Nagasaki. Each killed tens of thousands of people. The Soviet Union exploded an atomic bomb in 1949.

In 1954 the Soviet Union made the first ICBM (intercontinental ballistic missile). The USSR exploded a hydrogen bomb in 1954.

The first nuclear powered submarine, the Nautilus, was launched in 1955.

During the Vietnam War* the US experimented with laser guided missiles. Laser guided missiles were not used on a large scale until the Gulf War of 1991.

Note: Laser guided missiles? Laser Doritos? Coincidence? I think NOT!

*Note : Please see separate entry on Agent Orange, widely used during the Viet

A coffin, how ... appropriate

What do YOU believe?

Are Doritos WMDs?

See results without voting

Did the US government collude with Kraft?

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Did the US government collude with Philip Morris?

See results without voting

Did the US government collude with Frito-Lay?

See results without voting

Do you think the government is withholding WMD info from the RSS feeds?

See results without voting

More by this Author


55 comments

eovery profile image

eovery 6 years ago from MIddle of the Boondocks of Iowa

All I know is that I love Doritos.

Keep on hubbing!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

LOL. Me too! But you know they can kill ya, right?

Good to see you eovery! MM


frogdropping profile image

frogdropping 6 years ago

What more can be said? Except ... I'm convinced. I believe I've been a victim of DDD on several occasions. Having reading your account, I'm convinced I've had a very lucky escape.

A thoroughly well researched article relating to the dangers of Doritos. They're not just a snack ... they're a form of attack :/


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

I never knew the hazards of Doritos! Surely this has to be brought to the attention of our government! Oops. Our government! I made myself laugh! Seriously! Let's get to the bottom of this Dorito thing before the rest of the world uses the Dorito against us!

Let's check all caskets for that crunching sound too!


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 6 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

You've outdone yourself on this one. Thanks for informing us of this danger.


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida

Who knew? Thank heavens we have a civic conscious mind such as yours to inform us of this hitherto unknown danger...


Triplet Mom profile image

Triplet Mom 6 years ago from West Coast

I have injured myself numerous times eating Doritos, now I know why! Awesome hub!


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

This is well-written and the research you did was astounding. I'm so glad you tackled this one. No one else would have put in the time to get the whole story like you did. This is a strong contender for the grand prize in the contest, in my humble opinion. Thanks for playing along!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

You are all very brave to publicly comment here. Luckily for you (and me) we can hide behind our hubber user names. Oh -- except for fearless leader Stan Fletcher (which perhaps is your undercover name).

I must confess, I did not start out with this sinister attitude toward Doritos.It was only as my research kept uncovering more and more "coincidences" that I had to face the grim fact of a conspiracy between (gasp) our government and big business.

Thank you all for your comments.

I am now looking into whether Doritos are protected under the Second Amendment!

MM

P.S. to my friend frogdropping. That line is epic. I'm incorporating into the hub -- duly credited, of course!


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

Hooray! Thank God I hate Doritos. I'm going to pass this information on to my son, however-don't know how he's lasted so long.

Great entry, MM!


Mighty J-Kep profile image

Mighty J-Kep 6 years ago from Austria

Stan: I think this is your winner! hee hee

MM you rocked this one - very nicely done

(jen)


JJ *pachuca 6 years ago

Wow, this was very in depth and interesting. I love Doritos....but now I will think twice before eating them.


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 6 years ago from United States

This was an interesting hub to say the least. I would have never though of weapons and Doritos in a hub like this. I think this was quite clever.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hey Lorlie, I will do some more research to determine if there may be some "safe" flavors. Probably not.

Maybe your son is better off under the "don't ask/don't tell" rule. LOL

Mighty J-Kep. You're just saying that cuz you're mighty, which is alrighty by me:-)!

Chica, sweetie -- hola. We must catch up!

Pamela-- The credit for the concept goes to Stan. He provided the "Doritos as Projectile Weapons" title. I just implemented it. Who knew I would uncover such a vast conspiracy? Certainly not I!

Thanks everyone for your visit and comments.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

Brilliant! I'm going to link to this hub when I complete my article, the story of Jeremiah "Slim" Ledbetter, and how he escaped from prison using a Dorito as a grappling hook.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Super, Christoph! I can only assume that Mr. Ledbetter escaped from prison because he did not consume any Doritos (hence staying "Slim").

Yes, it seems that Doritos are quite effective in the hands of criminals as well as governments!

Good to see you, pal. Looking forward to your new hub! MM


mega1 profile image

mega1 6 years ago

I made my pathetic attempt at this subject, combined with the wedgie in butt-crack solution - but it is nothing compared to your erudite, heavily researched entry. I concede already. Also I thank you for showing me the right way to enter this contest and I humbly back off now.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hey Mega! I will go check out your Doritos entry.

I have a hard time believing anything you would write could ever be "pathetic." I daresay that the skills to be a monetarily successful hubber (you) and a sick, paranoid, conspiracy theory compelled hubber (moi) are almost mutually exclusive. In the long run, who is better off?

I do want to learn your secrets of butt-crack wedgies, as that is an ongoing problem for me. So I will check that one out as well.

P.S. Please do not back off! Just get into your silliest, most outrageously ridiculous mindset. It works, although these contest entries do waste time:-)!


Jess Killmenow profile image

Jess Killmenow 6 years ago from Nowheresville, Eastern United States

I am so afraid now. Thank you.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Oh dear. I fear you are afraid of ME, Jess! I hope I have not burst your Doritos bubble! MM


MPG Narratives profile image

MPG Narratives 6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

I will never look at Doritos the same way again!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 6 years ago from South Africa

What an excellent hub! You weaved the topics perfectly and the humor from the beginning to the end. Voted UP and UP!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hello MPG Narratives. Good. I'm glad you got the message. Doritos are not to be trusted! And whatever you do, don't feed them to your kittens!

Martie-- Thanks for visiting and your vote! Sometimes when things are really, really scary we need to use humor to deflect the fear.


Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 6 years ago from USA or America

Hey Mighty Mom, okay I can see a lot of what you've said and even joking put aside, there are some things that would line up properly. LOL! Conspiracy theories only happen when questions are left unanswered. This was pretty cool. Very creative. :)


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hey birthday boy! We've been waiting all day for you to show up for your PARTY!!!

Guess what I'm bringing? I know in the forum thread I said cupcakes. Yes, those, too. But also some Doritos and salsa and guacamole. Yum!!!


sligobay profile image

sligobay 6 years ago from east of the equator

Great and krafty hub. Kraft is like stealth, isn't it?


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Ha ha sligobay! Yes indeed. Kraft the company is very crafty (or krafty) and stealthy! It takes a lot of corporate moxie to be stealthy with bright orange products, but they manage!

Thanks for visiting. I like your cap! MM


wilderness profile image

wilderness 6 years ago from Boise, Idaho

There is little doubt, from your massive and complete research, that Dorito's will eventually take over first place from "the bomb". Government collusion virtually guarantees it! I wonder if the CIA is aware?

Well written and funny! Thanks!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hello wilderness,

Yes, I think there is little doubt that the public-private collusion involved the highest levels of the federal government. That's really all I can say. They're watching:-)!!

Thanks for visiting. MM


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

Hello?

As one of the three judges of this here competition may I just say that I consider this Hub to be a likely candidate for first prize? A candidate, mind you, not a cert.

May I also casually mention that we have formed a new charity, coincidentally called “The Three Judges Charity” and any contribution you may care to make to it shall be given the consideration it deserves?

Furthermore, I wish to give the lie to inaccurately spurious and dastardly rumours spread by a person who shall remain nameless (let’s call him Stan for argument’s sake) that we shall be happy with bribes of only chocolates and flowers? Naturally we live for literature and are doing this for the good of humanity, but any poor chump who thinks that he or she will have a chance in hell of winning this competition with a bunch of flowers, has another thing coming. ;-)


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Dear Mr. De Greek,

I am honored and flattered to be in top contention. Also quite impressed that you are willing to associate your name (or at least your Hub name) with this controversial subject.

Here is my proposal to you (and the other two judges). There is a certain amount of publicity and notoriety that goes along with winning a contest of this magnitude. I have obviously thought this through and am prepared for the likely consequences.

A logical reaction on the part of Kraft and Frito Lay is to rise up against me and squash the truth. They will no doubt offer me a settlement to unpublish this hub and recant my accusations.

As I do expect to come into a very large sum of macaroni and cheese, Velveeta and Doritos, I am prepared to offer you 50% of the take. Whether that is 50% all for you and your lovely wife of 50% split three ways among the judges is up to you...

Once again, thank you for your consideration. MM


Granny's House profile image

Granny's House 6 years ago from Older and Hopefully Wiser Time

MM, grate job on this hub. Will vote up


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Thanks, GH. It was fun to put the crazy ideas together to make a conspiracy theory! MM


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

I'm sticking with pretzels.


luabu 6 years ago

thank you for clearing up so many unanswered questions that i had

here's me thinking that everything was hunky dory and all the time the colluders have been colluding

shhh ......the might be listening/did you hear a snap crackle or a pop

bye

put me down for 5 of the rugged projectile launchers please shh......


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Oh dear nicomp -- in all our discussion about when the contest winners were to be announced, I neglected to acknowledge your comment. Brilliant strategy. I call that pretzel logic (are you a Steely Dan fan perchance?)

Laubu, I am glad I could clear up your questions. A bit concerned that you had such questions in the first place,however:-). Still, it's always good to find a fellow conspiracy theorist... Thanks for visiting. MM


Tammy L profile image

Tammy L 6 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

Is nothing sacred anymore? They've perverted Doritos! And in case no one has noticed, Nacho Cheese Doritos leave the cheese goo on the fingers too. Word to the wise: wash hands before rubbing eyes. :)

Thank you, HubPages Elite, for everything you do for us regular folk. You are truly appreciated! :)


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

LOL Tammy L. I am just a regular Hubber like we all are. I do enjoy exposing conspiracies, however!

Thanks for visiting and commenting. MM


Dusty Snoke profile image

Dusty Snoke 6 years ago from Chattanooga, TN

thanks for the fan mail. I only hope to be as funny as you. This hub was great.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Ha -- interesting choice to check me out, Ms. Snoke!

Hub Pages is full of funny writers. Glad to welcome you as one of them!! MM


SunnyMom24 profile image

SunnyMom24 5 years ago from Virginia

I love it! I am very new to this hub thing and thank you for contacting me so fast and making me feel welcome! Also glad you did so I could come and read many of your hubs. I am very impressed and going to figure out how to be... a follower! I think I will learn a lot from you!!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Glad to have you here SM24. Just read every tutorial HP offers, and take your time figuring out how the capsules work. Trust me -- if I can master this hubbing thing, anyone can!!! MM

ENJOY!!!


Robertbloggert profile image

Robertbloggert 5 years ago from Oklahoma

Very good Hub MM, Your writing style is just awesome!

Until reading this the worse story I heard about Doritos was the one my Wifes step father told us about how after he got all his teeth pulled, he used Doritos to toughen his gums up. And thus no longer even needs to wear his false teeth. Of course I shuttered in thought of the sheer pain caused when even one of those little WMD triangles poke straight in the roof of your mouth, let alone eating half a bag with only gums. OUCH!

Voted up all over, great read MM.

A new fan ~ Robert


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Ouch is right, Robertbloggert! That certainly is a novel way to toughen up one's gums. Not only the pain of the triangular points (imagine one hitting the soft spot where a tooth had been removed -- OMG). But the lovely orange paste left behind on the gums would be just lovely, I can only imagine. Must have made for quite a sight!

Anyway, so glad you stopped by. Obviously you are the kind of hubber who likes to explore the orange side:-). Thanks for visiting. Glad you liked my hub. It's really all Stan Fletchers fault! MM


DTR0005 profile image

DTR0005 5 years ago from Midwest

Damn funny stuff lady! I actually laughed out loud reading this...


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Glad I could give you a chuckle! If you haven't already acquainted with Stan Fletcher, the mastermind behind the contest, you really must check him out! Cheers, MM

P.S. You may also want to rethink your Super Bowl munchie selections...


BJBenson profile image

BJBenson 5 years ago from USA

When I eat these things, I feel like I am dying. They are WMD.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

LOL BJBenson. You are right about that! Powerful orange stuff!


BJBenson profile image

BJBenson 5 years ago from USA

Hey, I have had orange poop! LOL!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

OMG that really is TMI. But I do believe it!


DeLaro11 profile image

DeLaro11 5 years ago

Hi

I like your hub, funny, my kind of humor

I am new to hubpages I have a Grand total of one hub but you my get a kick out of it

Smile

C DeLaro


glowingrocks profile image

glowingrocks 5 years ago from New York

LOL!Nice.I have a Dorito addiction. :)


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 5 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA Author

Hi DeLaro11. I checked out your hub and commented. Thanks for the invite!

glowingrocks -- I guess I don't have to ask what color your glow is? Neon orange, right? Thanks for visiting, commenting, and admitting your Doritos addiction! MM


Louisa 4 years ago

Hi mighty mom,

I lived on Doritos for about 10-12 years, I kid you not! Finally I let them go, and not a Doritos has passed my lips since 1985. It was all or nothing for me. I would write about it, but I have written about it elsewhere, so would have to change it.

Hey, I live in California too, and lived I boston, too, though not NY. Similar trajectories. Sounds like you live in Main?

Thanks for following me! I want to follow you, just need to figure ou how I'm a complete newbie!


Aunt Jimi profile image

Aunt Jimi 3 years ago from The reddest of the Red states!

Seems like you've got your Glen Beck impression down pat. Just the way he connects marshmallows and chocolate (or anything at all) to a conspiracy to destroy the U.S. The first time I saw Beck I didn't know who he was or that I was watching Fox and I laughed all the way through his scurrying around and circling words and connecting them by ridiculous means. I really thought he was a comedian. Do you suppose he was and when people took him seriously he decided to go with it and just make the money?

Very funny and entertaining.

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