Victim of a Senseless Crime: Part 5

Copyrighted by Jennifer McLeod writing as jenjen0703, all rights reserved. Some photos are under CC under Share and share alike.November 16, 2011

No answers are ever at the bottom of the glass...
No answers are ever at the bottom of the glass... | Source

A Life Lost

...Life went on, and I experienced many good times and some not-so-great times. Seven years had passed, and there was not many days when I did not drink alcohol. I found myself in and out of relationships, divorced, and feeling extremely lonely. It did not matter how much alcohol I drank, how nice my current significant other was, or what type of job I had. I felt lost and had a huge hole inside of me. I tried to fill this void with love but went about it the wrong way. Seriously, how well do you really know someone after a week? My drinking continued daily, and I could not wait to get out of work and buy another pint of whiskey to drink my misery away.

Life, as I knew, it came to a head when I turned 23 years old. I met a new man and married him. He was a Christian and attended church faithfully. Like me, he had also been raised in an abusive home environment as a child and had emotional difficulties of his own. His first wife was recently killed in an automobile accident, and he was an angry man. He was also abusive and was physically violent with me several times. My drinking got worse, and I became more depressed, to the point where I was having suicidal thoughts. I could not live my life, as it was, anymore.

I remember begging God to help me with my drinking and to help me with my life. I did not realize that I was praying for things according to my will, not His will. And I wondered why my prayers were not being answered. I thought I was a misfit and that God had forgotten about me. I was also angry at myself because of the marital situation I was in, and because I had also gotten arrested for drunk driving and was on probation for it.



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At Rock Bottom

One day, my husband and I were fighting because he had disconnected all the phones in the house so I could not use them. I needed to make a business call and had no phone. I remembered one I had bought at a yard sale and located the box it was stored in. I hooked it up and made the phone call, but before I could finish the call, my husband walked in and caught me. This time, he had an ax in his hands and told me he ought to just kill me. I looked at my son, and he was watching us like he was watching cartoons. The fighting had no obvious affect on him.

This time, the police arrested my husband, and I packed my clothes, left my belongings behind and left him. Victims advocates took me and my children to a domestic violence shelter to stay for awhile. I knew I needed to stay gone and not go back to him.

I vividly remember my first night in the shelter. It was during the end of October, and the back yard at the shelter had a huge pile of leaves where someone had raked. I had a bottle of alcohol stashed in my belongings and planned to drink it before the night was over. My children and I got settled and I went into the back yard to have a cigarette. I had my bottle stashed in my coat pocket. I sat down in the pile of leaves, lit a cigarette, and took a couple sips off the bottle. I sat their and cried, sobbing my heart out. I had no idea what I was going to do or where I was going to go. I had hit bottom in my life and no direction to go. I turned my face to the sky and cried out to God, "Why? If You love me, why did You leave me?"

Could You Be a Victim of Domestic Violence?

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A Life Found

And, at that moment, I heard a voice next to me say, "You are worthy." That was all. I looked around quickly because this voice came from right next to me. I felt my hair stand up and goose bumps rose up on my arms. There was nobody there. What just happened? I did not understand it, but suddenly, I felt at peace. I stopped crying and felt as if a thousand pounds had just been lifted off my shoulders. I still did not know what I was going to do, but I knew I could not go backwards. I had to move forward. I could not live like this anymore. Drinking was not helping to cover my pain anymore. I was hurting worse now than ever before. I had no choice but to get sober and change my life.

I looked at that bottle of alcohol and dumped it onto the ground. The next day, I went to another AA meeting and chose to attend meetings for myself this time, not for my probation officer. AA was the only thing I had left in life to turn to, and I will write another article soon about my experiences, strengths, and hopes in the near future.

I was in unfamiliar territory and scared, but I could not forget that voice I heard that night in the back yard of that domestic violence shelter. I had to believe things were to going to improve in my life.

Other Articles

Check out the rest of the series Victim of a Senseless Crime:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 6

...and a couple others to help protect yourself and your loved ones.

Sexual Abuse: Get the Facts

Get Off Me! 5 Ways to Escape an Attacker


More by this Author


Comments 16 comments

diogenes 5 years ago

Hi Jen: A sobering tale! My own journey mimics this, except it's "easier" for a man to be a drunk as the sexual problems are lessened (rape) and society is kinder to the male alcoholic.

But it ruined much of life until I was 44 and ended up in TDC. I have not drank since these awful days (1986) but cannot get back much of what I lost, including my US residency which meant the world to me. Bob


iamholm profile image

iamholm 5 years ago from Florida

It is great to see the first step toward independence and healing as she makes her first choice to be someone else! I look foraward to the next installment.


girgismcs 5 years ago

great hub and really a good way to start being independence and looking for more


cgreen7090 profile image

cgreen7090 5 years ago from Tennessee

Thank you for sharing this difficult to tell tale. Look forward to the end.


vasantha  T k profile image

vasantha T k 5 years ago from Bangalore

good hub .keep going


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 5 years ago from Riga, Latvia

OMG the worst things I have heard. Hope the children survived and yes alcohol may numb us but it will do more damage than good. Hopefully with God's help life will heal. My best friend has a sister who has been abused already by two husbands and has now a third and hasn't gotten out of the rut. She has a daughter who is too young to hav? a child but has one son anyway making her ┬░younger sister a grandma and she is also being abused by her husband so the cycle continues and I hurt for all of them.


JenJen0703 profile image

JenJen0703 5 years ago from Cereal City U.S.A. Author

There's more coming soon. I have been up writing all night, so my fingers are taking a break. Thanks everyone for the support and the comments. This is an issue that needs to be addressed.


Sneha Sunny profile image

Sneha Sunny 5 years ago from India

I hope now you're not that much addicted to alcohol. Waiting for the finale!


VendettaVixen profile image

VendettaVixen 5 years ago from Ireland

Beautiful work, Jen. I'm glad things seem to be taking a turn for the better.

You addressed a sensitive topic in a very suitable way. Looking forward to part six.


Hubertsvoice 5 years ago

Very intriguing story I cannot imagine a life like that. This story has helped me rethink some of the ways I deal with my son's problems in his 12 year old life. Thank you for that. I have read every installment so far. I only left comments on #4 and #5


Larry Fields profile image

Larry Fields 5 years ago from Northern California

JenJen,

I think that you're a really strong person, and a talented writer as well. Reading between the lines, it sounds like you've made a very conscious choice to end the cycle of violence. Not many people can do that.

Best wishes,

Larry


Greg Leatherman profile image

Greg Leatherman 5 years ago from Stuart, FL

Seriously impressed with your honesty and motivation. Hopefully, your series helps others in similar situations.


greatparenting profile image

greatparenting 5 years ago from philadelphia, pa and corolla, nc

Clearly you are stronger than you ever knew. I know this story will help others as well. And, more than anything, I hope for you to finally find peace and perhaps even joy.


Just History profile image

Just History 5 years ago from England

Things on the up- so glad and I cannot believe that a christian man could come at you with an axe!! Just shows how disturbed some people are


JenJen0703 profile image

JenJen0703 5 years ago from Cereal City U.S.A. Author

For the record, the axe situation is not quite as bad as imagined. I know people hear "axe" and start thinking bad things. Yes, it was bad, but he verbally threatened me, and he shoved me with the axe in his hands. He did NOT swing it at me or attempt to actually HIT me with the axe. It did not matter by then, enough had already happened. I did not make a book out of this story, just a 6 part article to make sexual abuse awareness attempts. Part 6 to be delivered soon...


Sueswan 5 years ago

Hi Jen

God knew that you had to hit rock bottom before he could help.

Look forward to reading chapter 6.

Voted up and awesome.

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