Vote for Bernie -- Get Free Stuff!

Look to this man for all your worldly needs.
Look to this man for all your worldly needs. | Source

Bernie Sanders Loves You

Since arriving home from his honeymoon in Communist Russia, Bernie Sanders dedicated his life to getting you free stuff. He understands that you are helpless without Big Government. Deep in the recesses of your thinking brain lurk desires only Bernie can fulfill. Free college, free health care, free dental, free vision, and free pineal glands are just a few of the gratis perks we will all enjoy when Bernie ascends to the US Presidency.

"Fell the Bern" adorns bumper stickers from Berkley to Burlington. When he's elected you won't get within feeling distance of him, but rest assured Bernie will look down upon you and your ilk. He will sprinkle free things upon your heads and tell you it's raining. His generosity will know no bounds, limited only by the throughput of Treasury Department printing presses. Sell America to the Communist Chinese, he will, so you might enroll at Stanford.

You won't feel a thing.
You won't feel a thing.

Attend college for free! It's worth it.

Imagine the amazed surprise festooning faces in your immediate family when you announce plans to go back to college -- for free! Stop by the Old College bookstore to grab free books, pencils, hoodies, Pringles, and spiral bound college-rule notebooks. Bernie's paying.

If something goes wrong, just walk away. If your prof arrogantly expects homework to be submitted on-time, simply give up. Drop the course and enroll at another school. All this costs nothing at all. If you can't do the math, change majors. Somewhere out there is an English Department waiting for you and your crayons. Cadres of dedicated educators anxiously anticipate oodles of earnest students longing for no-cost higher education. Stay in school all the way through your PhD, then matriculate into the real world with no debt whatsoever. Someone else will pay for it. Fairy dust is the new currency.

Good thing Bernie is just like us, not a career politician.
Good thing Bernie is just like us, not a career politician.

Free Money is Blasting at You

Should you find yourself with no marketable skills, rest assured it's not your fault. Someone failed you. Perhaps a Rich Person was mean to you or a Super Rich Businessman plotted against you when you weren't looking. Surely you meant well but events conspired to keep you down. Beyond your control, your life circumstances are.

Simply show up at Applebee's for a free $15/hour minimum wage job. Don't worry about earning your keep: Bernie will decree the Living Wage. And don't plan to work more than 40 hours a week: Bernie and Big Labor will make sure evil bosses can't interfere with your League of Legends meet-up. Simply drop your mop and clock out when your shift ends. Income magically appears in your bank account, bereft of taxes, but it's all good.

Vote for BS

Bernie lusts after your vote and he plans to coax it out of you with free stuff. A free exchange of ideas in a polite society is so passé. What Americas needs is confiscation of liberty to facilitate redistribution of wealth. It's only fair and Bernie will make it more fair.

Vote yourself free stuff. A vote for Socialist Bernie Sanders is one step closer to putting the government in charge of every aspect of your life. Evidently you didn't like it anyway .

Hobson's Choice
Hobson's Choice | Source

Are you a perennial victim?

Does the size of a mansion in Bel Air directly impact your daily life? Does the massive income of a Wall Street apparatchik working 70 hours a week cause you to break out in a rash? Look to Bernie for remediation. His Socialist ilk will salve your savaged selfishness. Free college, free minimum wage, free health insurance, and free health care will make it all better.

Are you a fan of class warfare? Bern is the guy for you. He travels the highways of New Hampshire ginning up hatred. Against anyone earning more than you, he is aligned. He understands your plight as he obviously flies Coach Class and reluctantly enjoys his free federally-mandated health care that he voted to make exempt from ObamaCare. Yes, he loves you bunches, but his health is an iota more important that yours.

Hate is free and supplies are not limited. Join the Bernie bandwagon . Nothing is your fault because evil faceless humans have money and you don't. A corrupt government needs to be inflated so we can have more of it. That's the Bernie Sanders' way.

... but IBM is OK. Their money don't stink.
... but IBM is OK. Their money don't stink. | Source
Bernie's top contributors in the 2016 election cycle. Google, Microsoft, Intel, and other Mom-and-Pop businesses.
Bernie's top contributors in the 2016 election cycle. Google, Microsoft, Intel, and other Mom-and-Pop businesses. | Source

Take this handy poll

I will vote for Bernie

  • Because he honeymooned in Communist Russia
  • Because he pays his interns less than the national minimum wage he demands
  • Beause he hates The Rich like I do
  • Because I want free stuff
  • Because he has nice hair
See results without voting

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Comments 17 comments

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 8 months ago

I must give this hub to key members of my family and a small cadre of friends who don't have a clue about Bernie or Socialism. Thanks!


Sgt Prepper profile image

Sgt Prepper 8 months ago from Elkhorn, WI

What a way with words. I am jealous of this writer's ability. And thanks for mentioning the initials B.S. A while back I read an article in a December 2013 or 2014 magazine about the vast number of U.S. politicians who hold dual-citizenship with Israel and Bernie Sanders WAS on that list along with Barbara Boxer, Barney Frank, Mike Bloomberg, Joe Lieberman, Diane Feinstein, Weird Al Franken, etc. Exactly when did it become okay for dual-citizens to run for any Federal-office? These days the REQUIREMENT to be a natural-born citizen to legally run for President is ignored e.g. Cruz, McCain, Obama, Jindahl, Rubio & Santorum.


PeterStip profile image

PeterStip 8 months ago

You can off course always choose to vote for Trump if you want :

A bigger mortgage.

More expansive private schools

A more expansive healthcare system

A more expensive insurance system

Another war in the Middle East.

Lower minimum wage.

A white and pure America.

Denying climate change.

Well Trump is the guy for you.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 8 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@PeterStip 3:

"You can off course always choose to vote for Trump if you want :"

"A bigger mortgage."

No clue what you mean. Maybe you think Bernie will pay your mortgage?

"More expansive private schools"

Private schools are great. Supply, demand, freedom of association, all that cool stuff.

"A more expansive healthcare system"

Vote for Bernie and you get a more EXPENSIVE health care system

A more expensive insurance system

"We have that now. You may have heard of the ACA?"

Another war in the Middle East.

"Like Obama's war in Afghanistan? Boots on the ground?"

Lower minimum wage.

"Good. *No* minimum wage is what we need. I'll vote for that because I'm not selfish. "

"A white and pure America."

Too silly to merit a response.

"Denying climate change."

Will you tell 2 billion Chinese they can't have a Buick?

"Well Trump is the guy for you."

I certainly hope not. He'd trump Bernie but he's a boor and a liberal.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 8 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@breakfastpop - Do you think we will get free breakfast, or must we wait for Bernie's second term?


nicomp profile image

nicomp 8 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Sgt Prepper Evidently none of them is legal to be president. A pesky thing, the Constitution is.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 8 months ago

Dear nicomp,

I do believe Bernie will supply free breakfast almost immediately. He'll start spending our money and he won't be able to stop.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 7 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@breakfastpop : let's be first in line to eat our children's inheritance. Let someone else, anyone else, pay for our breakfast. Yeah!


tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 7 months ago from California

What! You don't want free stuff. You must be one of those who pay taxes and think a $15/ min wage which equals below poverty rates 40 years ago is a living wage, and a bad idea. Snicker, snicker.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 7 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@tirelesstraveler : If you think the Federal Government is sufficiently omniscient so as to define poverty rates, go for it. I look at The Veterans Administration, Homeland Security, Super PACs: I see institutionalized ineptitude.

Even Bernie rants that government is corrupt, then demands more of it. #hypocrisy.


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 7 months ago

nicomp, it is a shame that you can't look for the truth instead of always trying to smear others.

Like trying to say that Bernie Sanders' parents came from Russia and implying that he is/was a communist.

His father emigrated from Poland and worked as a paint salesman, and that his mother died young but she was born in New York. New York is in the U.S. and Hawaii in in the U.S., but Calgary is in Canada that is where Ted Cruz was born.

Have a good day!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 7 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Shyron E Shenko : Nice Straw Man argument. Nowhere in my screed of truth did I mention BS's parents. His record is sufficiently sad: I don't need to write about his family.

Stop by anytime. Enjoy your kool-aid!


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 7 months ago

Sorry nicomp, I misread the first paragraph of this story.

I don't like Kool-Aid!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 7 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Shyron E Shenko : We found common ground! I think Kool-Aid is yucky.


Sgt Prepper profile image

Sgt Prepper 7 months ago from Elkhorn, WI

Mr&Mrs. Bernie Sanders honeymooned in Communist-Russia.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 7 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Sgt Prepper : good for them. Freedom of association.


Sgt Prepper profile image

Sgt Prepper 7 months ago from Elkhorn, WI

Yuppers nicomp, birds of a feather flock together.

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