Ways to Give Your Next Dinner Party a Needed-Injection of Life
I cannot tolerate a boring dinner party
I do not hide the fact from you or stoop so low to lie to you that I have never been to a cocktail, dinner, or political party. And for missing these festive-events, I feel as if I have not missed anything. So what is the purpose of this hub? (Oh, you are going to start emailing me to ask, “Are you living in reality, Kenneth?” Yes. And by the way, notice that part of my answer: ‘living in reality,’ do you not think that this phrase would be an ideal album title for a Steely Dan reunion LP?
Let me do some professional assuming. Although, like I said, I have never attended a dinner party, I can assume, for the most part, these social soirees are very boring, stuffy, and a job to stay awake. I could be wrong. But the dinner parties I have seen on television were purely-boring with men in three-piece suits, women in evening dresses, most sipping vodka martinis and talking in monotone voices. Oh, yeah. Most dinner parties have boredom written all over them.
Example: (I am still in my assuming-mode) I would go as far as to state that “some” dinner parties are so boring that:
- Girls all jump back into the cake
- People throw-out their drinks to be sober enough to drive home ASAP
- The female host of the dinner party spends more time keeping guests awake than tending to her pastries
- Even the married guys who flirt with married women just stare at the floor
- The mood-music on the stereo is “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.”
- Grown men are shedding tears because they feel as if they are being kept against their will
This is where I come in. I have compiled a brand new, severely-strange, and definitely-different hub for those of you who attend or throw dinner parties to add life to them. That’s right. Life. And excitement, zest, and something to talk about in the morning.
This newly-thought-out list is named:
Ways to Give Your Next Dinner Party a Needed-Injection of Life
SUCKING RAW EGG GAME – object of this new dinner party game is for willing contestants to suck as many raw eggs in a definite length of time.
EXIT THE POOL RACE – as fast as possible, guests try to exit the host’s pool without falling on their butts.
LIFTING THE SOFA CHALLENGE – husky men or women see how long they can hold the sofa over their heads.
RAGIN’ ON THE SAUSAGE – chew and swallow as many Polish sausage as you possibly can. Manners do not count.
BOOZE BALANCE – see how long you can balance a number of unopened beers or mixed drinks on the top of your head.
MAKE DOGS SING – this is easy to do. Sing in your best voice and be the first to make the host’s pet Cocker Spaniel sing or howl. You get bonus points if the dog bites you.
MEAT SCULPTING – this is worlds of fun. Take a couple of pounds of fresh ground beef and try to sculpt an interesting politician, celebrity, or film star. The best sculpture wins.
BOTTLE EATING – and this is not to be taken literally. Take a whiskey or beer bottle and get it to go as deep into your mouth as possible without really swallowing it.
BATH TISSUE EATING – and this is really fun for sober people. Kneel on your knees and “wolf-down” as much Charmin as you can without gagging.
TEACH AN ABRASIVE DOG A LESSON – if the hosts have a short-tempered Doberman, great. Get in the backyard and put dog behind a chain-link fence and then if he growls and snarls at you, do the same thing back at him. Get really mean and ugly.
MUD MEN GAME – again, get in the backyard, spray water in a circular-place until it becomes a mudhole. Then rub mud all over your faces and keep it up until you look just like a mud statue.
THE TALKING COW – walk up to the hosts’ cows (if they have some) and talk into the ears of the bovine until it moo’s, which judges will count as talking.
HEAD IN TOILET OR URINAL – games for ladies and men without being obscene. Object of the games is to hold your heads into the toilet or urinal as long as you can without holding your breath.
MUD PRINCESS – if for the ladies. Same as “Mud Men Game,” the ladies smear mud all over their pretty faces and the pretty lady with the most mud is named, “Mud Princess,” and she holds that title until the dinner party next year.
CALF IMPRESSIONS – just pet the host’s newborn calf and when he or she makes a calf sound, see if you can sound exactly like it.
STARE CONTEST – with one of the host’s cows. Easy as can be to do. Stand still and stare into the big brown eyes of the cow. The first one to look away loses.
