What To Do When People Don’t Like You

digitalrat @ freedigitalphotos.net
digitalrat @ freedigitalphotos.net
© MCJ Pozyn
© MCJ Pozyn

People are not born with a desire to love and to be loved

People are not born with the desire to like and love others, or to be liked and loved by others.

A baby is born with no concept of acceptance and approval. Even their urge to survive is still inactive. Crying when hungry and uncomfortable is but only instinctive. When food and love don't come, baby will simply die.

Getting food and love, and becoming aware of those feelings of satisfaction after being fed, held and cleaned, is what triggers the desire to be liked and loved. Liking and loving in return is a natural response.

photostock @ freedigitalphotos.net
photostock @ freedigitalphotos.net

Feeling satisfied, or not satisfied, triggers the development of a personality

When we forget for a moment about genes, genetic memory and all those things that determine whether we are extroverts or introverts, and whether we would be able to stay normal in spite of our circumstances and environmental issues, we may assume that the feeling of satisfaction - or the lack of it - will determine the development of our personality.

A satisfied baby, is a happy baby, and they quickly learn how to obtain the things that make them feel satisfied and happy. They learn that it feels good to be liked and loved and bad when they are being neglected and/or ignored.

In normal circumstances they had developed a likeable and loveable personality by the age of seven. Sadly, by this time, some may had developed a dislikeable and unlovable personality, depending on the amount and quality of love and care they have received.

Stuart Miles @ freedigitalphotos.net
Stuart Miles @ freedigitalphotos.net

By the time baby is a teenager, he realizes that his efforts to obtain approval and love is not always successful. Even when he does his very best, certain people may still not like him. Coming to terms with this fact - that everybody is not able to like/love us, is most certainly not easy. Some teenager seek satisfaction in drugs, or in gangsterism, or they develop an obsession to master one or another skill that will compel people to like and love him. Some merely sink into depression.

By the time baby is an adult, he already reaps the fruit of whatever he had sown while he was a teenager. More likely than not, many are unsatisfied, as they had sown the seed of bitter fruit. However, the most are satisfied - their future looks great.

By now everyone knows that some people like/love them, and others don't, and they hope to find more people who will like and love them and less of the others.

Stuart Miles @ freedigitalphotos.net
Stuart Miles @ freedigitalphotos.net

What makes people like other people?

People are each other's mirrors. We see ourselves in others, and we actually like and love those in whom we see the best of ourself. We feel save in their company, we know that they are like us and not able to disappoint us. Of course, the disappointments will come, but that is beside the point.

When we take a good look at those we do not like, we'll see our own bad selves in them. We realize that we could have been exactly like them if we had developed our bad characteristics, inter alia rudeness, dishonesty, selfishness, etc. Sadly, some people never reach this stage where they are able to acknowledge that the bad they are able to see in others also exists in their own soul.

How do we deal with people who don’t like us?

We say: “Let them fly, I don’t care what they think and say about me.”

But on what chair do we sit when we say this?

On what chair are you sitting when you say this?

On the chair of a baby:

I am living in total ignorance with no clue what I need and not need. Some people do like me and do take care of me; they are doing what they are supposed to do.

©MCJ Pozyn
©MCJ Pozyn

On the chair of a child/teenager

I am doing my best, but they still don't like me. I have no idea what do to, so I don’t care. I know I will not die because they don’t like me, so I don’t care.

I think I don't care...

Let me rather indulge in the effects of drugs. If happiness doesn't come to me, at least I can feel happy while intoxicated...

Or perhaps I should join the gangsters. Let's punish the world because life sucks and nobody cares about me...

Or let's try harder. Practise more. Eat less. Sleep less. Achieve success that will make people love me...

photostock @ freedigitalphotos.net
photostock @ freedigitalphotos.net

On the chair of an adult:

I like and love myself, and I know enough people who feel the same about me. Why fret about one-two-three people who can't stand me? The fact that they don’t like me, is their problem - a problem I cannot solve. Staying out of their sight, is the best for all of us.

Thank heavens, I can control my feelings. I can smother all bad feelings by simply feeling grateful about all the good I may see, hear, feel and touch.

© MCJ Pozyn
© MCJ Pozyn

Relevant Quotes

Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. -Mark Twain

Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got. -Janis Joplin

It is thus with most of us; we are what other people say we are. We know ourselves chiefly by hearsay. -Eric Hoffer

The proper time to influence the character of a child is about 100 years before he is born. -Dean William R. Inge

We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us. -Jean-Paul Sartre

A modest man is usually admired - if people ever hear of him. -Edgar Watson Howe

Every man has three characters - that which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has. -Alphonse Kan

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting things he has got. -Josh Billings

Character is like a tree, and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. -Anonymous

Every man in the world is better than some one else. And not as good as some one else. -William Saroyan

In Victorian times the purpose of life was to develop a personality once and for all and then stand on it. -Ashley Montagu


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Comments 76 comments

Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

We learn to be liked or not from our parents, if they can not pass on the good things, we will learn from our little friends. If they fail us, it goes on to the teachers. If we are lucky, somewhere along the line, we learn love and charity for others. That is when we are usually liked.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

Superb hub! To the point...literally with the finger! We are who we are...take it or leave it:))

thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden

Luckily there are always some people who like us and it so important for us and our self-esteem to be liked by at least some. But on the other hand, it is impossible to be liked by everyone so it is best to get used to it, and do like you say: ignore them who do not like us! It gets easier with age and experience:) Fabulous hub and great photos of your family,


Stigma31 profile image

Stigma31 5 years ago from Kingston, ON

Everyone seeks acceptance of others, but we do this based on what we learn in life. The way we cope with acceptance is mostly learned from our parents. If we have dysfunctional parents, addicted personality parents, controlling, abusive and so on our perception of acceptance is distorted. We tend to chose peers and partners based on this perception. Voting up...good article.

Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 5 years ago from Texas

Is it not interesting that most of our shortcomings and bad behaviors are learned from each other. We are not born with prejudice or hatred...it is taught and learned as we grow. A human being could spend a lifetime just fighting off the bad that is out there in the heart of others just ready to be taught. Our only real weapon is awareness and the desire to be better than most on these issues. WB

drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

It is so true, Martie, that we like and trust people we think are like us. To take that one step further, we never hire anyone we do not really down deep like and therefore trust, even if we verbalize that differently.

This is a thinking person's hub - thank you. Love that ultimate photo - I'd swear it was my Uncle Louie.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Becky Katz – So true! If those who are supposed to teach us fail, a mentor or two will make their appearance in our lives to teach us how to behave in a likeable way. Some people are liked by many while others are liked by only the few who understand them. Both of these two types will say: “Those who don’t like me can fly.”

Thank you for your insightful comment.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Sunshine625 – What more can I say? Thank you so much for confirming my view on this.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

thougtforce – 99% of the people in my valley do like me. Incidentally 99% of the 1% who don’t like me is my colleagues in the community – leaders and organizers of events. So in my case ENVY is most of the time the reason why a person doesn’t like me. To be honest, it is most of the time also the reason why I don’t like a person. Maybe I must do a hub about ‘envy’. Thank you for your profound comment.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Stigma31 – Of course, the urge to survive compels humans to be gregarious, therefore we seek acceptance of others. Most writers are loners, even while they are part of a crowd – and if they are not for some reason complete hermits, they will seek the acceptance of other writers. Perhaps only of one or two, but they will seek it.

Our perception of acceptance and the way we were accepted and treated as a child certainly goes hand in hand. If it is negative, if our friends make us feel just as bad as our parents had made us feel, we have to break this pattern with absolute will-power, and so often with the support of a councilor, in order to find the peace and joy our souls so desperately long for.

Thank you for emphasizing this.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Wayne Brown – So true! “People are people through (because of) people,” is an African mantra. As children we are stuck in the environment we are born in, absorbing like a sponge the behavior of the community, just to spend a lifetime fighting off the bad.

Thanks you so much for enhancing my hub with your comment. Take care!

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

drbj - Birds of a feather flock together, is surely one of the truest idioms. In my language we also say [directly translated]: “Kind seeks kind.” Keeping in mind “It takes all kinds to make a world.” So how can we trust and like somebody with whom we cannot identify?

Oh, that photo of Miss Most Likable. Is she not too cute? Now who will not be able to like her? I see so much of myself in her. Maybe your Uncle Louie is her father, or brother. I shall ask her.

Thank you for making me smile (as usual), drbj. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

Most everyone has liked me all of my life. On the few occasions I meet someone who doesn't I feel of center and kind of confused. Your Hub is great (with the exception of that finger. I just personally don't do that)and now I understand more about why people like or dislike others. Thanks Martie.

gmwilliams profile image

gmwilliams 5 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

To MartieCoetser: This is an excellent hub. People in this society are too preoccupied with others liking them and endlessly seeking approval. People, especially tweens and teens, sacrifice and sublimate their authentic selves in order to adopt false personas to garner other's approvals. Oftentimes people do cruel and detrimental things for others' approval. I believe that it is better for people to dislike me for whom I am than to be liked for being an inauthentic person. The most important thing is for me to love and respect myself. If I am unpopular for being my authentic self, so be it. I will respect myself in the morning nonetheless. Again, great hub, magnificently done!

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Hyphenbird – You are indeed a very likeable person. How can anybody not like you?

I, personally, too never use signs – and especially not that one. Please keep in mind that we writers are not writing for each other, but for the world out there. In my capacity as a professional writer my aim is to hit the readers I target securely. I emphasize with words and illustrations the message I try to plant in his/her mind in order to make an unforgettable impact. That is why, in fiction, my main characters even kill and torture unlikable people such as wife-beaters and bullies who cause immense heartache.

There was a time I was afraid to offend my co-writers in here – we writers are over-sensitive, all successful writers are over-sensitive – and so I have kept my writings on a moderate level. But in the meantime I’d submitted my work for assessing to a friend who is currently editor of a popular newspaper and according to him I was not allowing my ‘pen’ to use all its power. Even mckbirds had detected this and suggested I go ‘all the way’.

Please forgive me if I have given you that feeling of disgust, but that is, unfortunately the sign for ‘go fly’, and not at all offensive in the sign language of the blind. I reduced the size, and of course the impact. Maybe I will enlarge it again – I will follow my gut feeling as soon as it triggers me into action.

Hyphen, I appreciate your honest comments tremendously. I hope you have a lovely Tuesday.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

gmwilliams – I could not stress your view on this better. For many years I, too, was not my true self, but exactly what everybody wanted me to be. I was like mercury, adjustable to everybody, keeping what they cannot handle in my own mind. I am still mercury in real life for the sake of peace. But in cyberspace as a writer and individual, I am my true self, because nobody, except one or three up here, has the power to upset me in the same way people have in real life.

Thank you so much for your approval and profound comment.

Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

I am not offended at all. I simply find the gesture crude. As a writer, you follow your path. As a reader I follow mine. I know you well enough to feel I can be honest and appreciate that very much. Thanks Martie.

marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Dear Martie,

This is a subject that I don't recall being tackled. I really like the developmental approach you took.

I know as a brand new manager, I was devastated when someone didn't like me. Through time and the build-up of some rather tough skin, I have learned that 'respect is more important than like'. Yet, still, for reasons we may or may not know, there are some people who will never 'like' (whether support, approve, whatever that 'like' means for that relationship). I figure if I stay true to myself, then I'll accept the occasional 'dissenter', for what does it all matter in the grand scheme? We need to 'like' ourselves, be proud of who we are- to me, that is true self-actualization.

Thank you for stimulating my thoughts so early in the AM. Be yourself, Martie, she is very cool, Maria.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland

Ah Martie, you have such a clear view of people and images now. Your life's experience has made you a very wise owl indeed. I love your humour, your great strength of character and the way you are just totally honest.

I am on the other hand a real coward and get uptight if someone doesn't like me. My past hast taught me to question and never to hurt anyone if I can. I will never like myself, but I do respect myself and there is a very big difference. I wish I had a little of your strength and insight.

My own persona makes me a challenge for most people, but it is what I was born and raised to understand. Everyone is different and reaches goals and challenges in different ways. Which ever way my life leads me, I shall always remember my friend Martie, the survivor, but most of all Martie, my friend. x Awesome hub.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Hyphenbird – I’ve slept on your comment and decided to replace the finger with a mere implication – I am honestly not into signs, especially not crude signs, and feel more comfortable now that it is out. Thanks for making me think... This is after all why we are here for each other – to give our honest opinions. You have no idea how much I appreciate constructive critique. Thanks again and have a lovely day.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

marcoujor – When I search my own frame of mind I always find myself actively or passively doing the same thing as others. I know bad and good people – I don’t like the bad ones, because their actions are terribly wrong, but there are also good people I don’t like. I am aware of their virtues, but just can’t get a grip on them. I often feel guilty because of this.

There are people I like very much in the beginning, but then they do something and I just cannot like them anymore. I even meet people I don’t like from the start, and then on a day I see a side of them I really like, and we may become the best of friends.

So this is life. We are all unique with unique vibes. Interaction of these vibes is a phenomenon – and we do feel them in cyberspace as well. The only solution is to create a comfortable distance between yourself and those who reduce your joy.

This is unfortunately a major problem when you work or live with a person you don’t like, or who don’t like you. How many spouses, who were madly in love, still like each other after a couple of years? So yes, the golden rule has to be applied – Love your fellowman as you love yourself. Respect is in coordination with love.

Thanks so much for your opinion on this, mar. You know how much I appreciate it.

Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

Thank you dear heart. Your spirit is gentle and I love that about you.

soneblom profile image

soneblom 5 years ago from South Africa

Ganit met jou Martie :-)! This hub hits home for me... I had to learn that liking or being kind to others does not always mean they will respond likewise, so one has to make a concious decision to act in a loving way nevermind peoples response. Thanks for a great hub.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

thebluestar – if you see yourself through my eyes you will certainly like yourself very much. Just ask and I’ll send you a list of reasons. It is true that we don’t like everything we do, but we normally – or should - know the origin of our actions and have a heart on ourselves and, of course, we should try to stay out of situations where our not-likable actions could be triggered.

Amazing is also the fact that our unlikable actions are direly needed in certain circumstances. Fighting head first like the ram or sly like the scorpion, or not at all like certain creatures – all irritating traits - are not really unlikable in the entire picture. Every undertaking needs people of all sorts in order to achieve its goals.

Thanks, Annette, I appreciate your support more than you know. Take care!

Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 5 years ago from United States

Loved it Martie!

I believe that Adults are more concerned IF a person likes him or not. As a kid and a teenager, that life is full of other attractions that, it does not really matter IF a person likes him.

We adults, cease our growth by looking around, comparing, and judging others that it makes us wonder on the above.

You have addressed this issue in a beautiful way. voted up and beautiful indeed!

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

@@@ Hyphenbird – Just know I see you not as a shade in my corner, but as a warm and sunny spot where no rude elements of nature can harm me. I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving/

@@@ soneblom – My jinne, wanneer laas het ek jou gesien? So nice to see you again. So true: Respecting others whether they like you or not and whether you like them or not is the real challenge to meet. Thanks for the visit. Laat dit goed gaan met jou :)))

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Ruchira – I appreciate your vote and the fact that you like my presentation very-very much. You know it is not always easy to air one view’s in a likeable way. Take care, I’ll see you soon in your corner.

makusr profile image

makusr 5 years ago from India

Martie, Thanks for sharing this hub. A very relevant article. The urge for acceptance comes when you lack something or when you have that very special thing. To me acceptance is a part of life. You can't find acceptance everywhere. The million dollar question is do you like yourself. Sometimes we have such low esteem of ourselves that we are always out with a begging bowl for an ounce of acceptance charity. The world likes you the way you are. It is our non-acceptance of the self that is troublesome. We should be sensitive to the outside world but not always looking for approvals.

Who said Martie men don't like women at the top. Again the ones who lack something will do it. But the ones who are self-assured will never deny a woman her place.

Do take care. With warm wishes,


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SanXuary 5 years ago

All my life I have attempted to be unbiased towards people who hate others or me. I discovered that this is a bad mistake, people who hate and not confronted will hurt you eventually. Understanding why people hate others for no reason does not require one for those who simply hate others and love to find victims. Its true that they usually hate themselves and even ignored they will eventually hurt themselves. This is nothing positive for the victim and standing up for yourself and exposing them is the only thing you can do. Regardless of consequences you can never escape the eventuality of being a part of an evil place. One evil person will lead others into evil and you will be the victim regardless so be smarter and fight back. I have tried to forgive such people but never forgetting is the weapon of enduring time and finding justice. If I did you no wrong and you did not care about my life I will be waiting to remind that person some day. This is not vengeance but the lack of fear and knowledge that I hold over my enemies and reminding them at every opportunity is how I might save their soul. Perhaps I will not have to remind them on the edge of the lake of fire and smile as I push them in.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

makusr – Acceptance, yes, one cannot find everywhere, but one has to find it somewhere in order to like oneself. As adults we can easily become hermits – or let me rather say some of us can – we who really don’t care what others say or think about us.... But look closer, hermits and loners are fond of animals, or through something – a service to mankind – they enjoy the acceptance of others.

I know men with healthy self-esteem will never deny a woman her place. I have entered their realm ages ago in the corporate world and ever since then we are moving mountains. Because there are certain things on top level only women can do, and vice versa. Men and women are meant to be equals. But cometh the man with a troubled little ego, cometh the war between Venus and Mars.

The only war I have lost was my marriage. And that was voluntary after 20 years.

Thanks for your input, Makusr.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

SanXuary – Thanks for your extremely thought-provoking comment. I need to write a hub to make it come to its right. Having no fear to do justice and to see that justice prevails, should certainly be everybody’s aim in life. Thanks for enhancing this hub of mine with your thoughts.

always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

I'm still laughing at Uncle Louie..I can remember a time in my life if i felt that someone didn't like me, it really bothered me. Now, i'm able to shrug it off. I think writing on Hubpages has allowed me that pleasure. I meet people i don't particularly like. I don't hate them. They just don't ring my bell. The key, i think is to not let others get under your skin. One person told me that he liked my poem but he didn't like the rhyming. It made me laugh. The point i'm trying to make is, at one time that remark would have really hurt me. We live and learn to roll with the punches. I like that aspect of evolving, and i like this article. The baby picture is so sweet. Thank you for sharing my good pal Martie...

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

always exploring – Emotionally I have grown tremendously in HubPages. In the beginning I was devastated when I've merely lost a follower, and terribly upset when specific hubbers ignored a hub of mine. So I’ve expanded my distance. But still some – a handful – of hubbers are under my skin with the power to hurt me.

Thanks for your constant support, Ruby. You look like a royal dame in your new avatar. Take care.

And I wish you a peaceful and happy Thanksgiving.

always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

Peaceful and a happy Thanksgiving to you and yours Martie. My Son has been home for a few days and looked at my younger picture, his wife Janie took pictures, so i thought i would post a picture of me in the now, but it might not last too long. I miss my braid..HaHa..Thank's for the royal dame comment..Nell would not agree.Ha..See you..Cheers

Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

Martie this is an exceptional article on the topic. I feel that we can overcome some of the things that are"hard-wired" into us if we truly want to, and know the way and how to do it. For example there are men- maybe not too many- that would have no problem with a strong, attractive, intelligent woman and still be a strong "man" to themselves and according to society's dictates, they do exist..lol. Top-notch here in every way- really like the photo of you and your children- and though its an overused quote perhaps I'll go out with this one from a former president: you can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time. Wish you n all a Happy Thanksgiving Martie since your our friends, brothers and sisters over in South Africa anyway.PS- these are some of the best comments I've seen on the site yet!

A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

Well, I've never had any problems admiring strong women.

I do wish to be admired and liked. When I first started here, I felt as if my existence hinged on the acceptance and comments of others. When I received a negative comment, I would withdraw. However, in this medium you must be ready for the haters to reveal themselves.

I have a high regard for your intellect and toughness. It doesn't detract from your beauty.

I religiously follow a handful of authors here. Your high on the list, and the others know who they are as well. I hope to add more soon, but to get on my list is tougher than getting into Ft. Knox.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Alastar Packer – I can’t remember who said: “A wise woman pretends she knows nothing except how to please a man.” I will not argue with her/him – I will merely emphasize the crux: The quality of the man and his level of existence. Unfortunately love is blind and for some reason women – when they are young and sometimes always – make the wrong choices.

I agree about the comments. I am so proud of all my friends. They are thinkers, philosophers, broad-minded with vision and insight. AND they, including you, can play along when I do twists of all sorts.

Thanks for the visit, Alastar. I always appreciate your input. I believe you are still enjoying a peaceful and joyful Thanksgiving.

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

A.A. Zavala – You are indeed an admirable and likeable hubber, intriguing, ingenious, always polite and charming..... I better stop before I make you the main character in my next short story.

HubPages is the site in Cyberspace where any person with the ability to share his/her thoughts and ideas in writing gain confidence and the courage to be his/her true Self. Of course this is because we are liked and accepted as we are by so many in here. In real life, in our communities, we are most of the time handling people and coping with their whims and fancies – we just can’t be who/what we really are. So often we go to sleep, feeling incompetent and unliked just because we were not able to satisfy an ignorant egoist in our midst.

I love the freedom we enjoy in Cyberspace, and all the many opportunities we have to be merely the I/me we really are.

I wish you a happy Thanksgiving, Augustine, and only successful undertakings.

GuitarGonzo profile image

GuitarGonzo 5 years ago

Great article. I got picked on quite often as a child. Until I learned to defend myself.

memo gonazal 5 years ago

what if the person who dislike me is my husband ? do i ignore him and divorce

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

@@@ GuitarGonzo - To survive we are compelled to develop defense techniques, but according to the rule: Do to others what you would like them to do to you (in similar situations). It is impossible for us to like everybody, and so it is impossible for everybody to like us.

@@@ memo - You've got to do what is best for you. It is absolutely unbearable to live under the same roof with a person who dislike you. Can you survive without him or not? Can you be happy in spite of the fact that he doesn't like you or not? You know the answers and you are the only one who can change your circumstances. I wish you all of the best.

Rosemay50 profile image

Rosemay50 5 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

Well Martie, I didn't have the love of parents except for my grandmother, and one of my teachers detested me, I was never sure why except for the fact that she also taught my mother and tarred me with the same brush. So at the age of 18 I rushed into marriage because I needed someone to love and to love me. He turned out to be abusive so that didn't last long. But I think all of this made me a very sensitive person and I really do take things to heart which sends me into self preservation mode.

The good friends I have made are all lifelong friends; others can take me or leave me. I am me and if they don’t like me for what I am tough.

There are certain people that we take an instant dislike to for no good reason, just an instinct, and there are those who we hit it off with immediately, some deep down common bond.

As for colleagues, I think this is a grey area. It’s not a matter of liking or disliking someone, some of them just don’t go to the same party so to speak. You don’t need to like them or dislike them, they are simply acquaintances.

A very thought provoking hub

Love the photos of your family

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Rosemay50 – You’ve made me realized – once again - how important it is to develop self-defense techniques – growing hair on our teeth and skins as thick as rhinos. Rudeness is MOST of the time a typical trait of the insensitive, militaristic, bombastic type. For them it is instinct to NOT give a damn what others say or think about them, while we who are sensitive have to obtain the trait through bad experiences. So in fact they are our teachers. And in this we obtain balance necessary for survival.

I am so sorry to hear you have experienced rejection already in childhood. I can relate, although my triggers differ here and there from yours. Fact is, it is a horrible feeling and we have no choice but to protect ourselves against it. So we convince, indoctrinate, manipulate ourselves with the thought that we don’t give a damn. But deep in our hearts we do give a damn. We know we do need approval, and this knowledge makes us grateful because we get it from many others. Perhaps we detect in the process something in us that may repel others, and then we grab the opportunity to work on it.

So at the end the one hand washes the other.

Thank you so much for your profound and insightful comment.

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fpherj48 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Martie...a wonderfully written hub of serious inspiration. So thought-provoking I'm somewhat taken aback by my own reaction. I thank you for providing me with thoughts from every chair.....I feel enlightened. Voted up & awesome

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MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

fpherj48 – I am so gad to know this hub enlightened you. It is really important for us to stay confident when we are not liked by everybody who knows us. Thanks for coming over for the read.

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fpherj48 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Oh....Martie, I'll confess. I couldn't possibly be more confident than I am....If I was, I would then be OBNOXIOUS.....further....as for people who do not like me? I can be quite certain, if someone I know is not all that fond of me, it is because I have never been concerned or interested in exerting any effort with them to be likable....because I do not LIKE them....and I am polite, but NOT subtle about my selectiveness. It's an equal deal for me. Not a single problem.

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MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

fpherj48 - I admire people like you. My self-esteem is not that strong; when I don't like a person, I don't care, but if I like and respect a person and realize on a day that s/he doesn't like me, it really take some time for me to reach the adult phase of realizing I can survive without him/her. Sometimes the knowledge that someone can't stand me hurts me forever, despite the fact that I flourish without their approval. This is merely because I have experienced rejection at the age of 12. That wound will forever be sensitive and easy to torn by any Dick, Tom and Harry.

So yes, I admire people like you who can handle disapproval with so much confidence. Thank you for your inspiring comment.

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fpherj48 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Martie...What I wouldn't give to meet you face to face and sit you down for as long as it would take for me to help you, graciously but firmly, experience a total transformation in your self-esteem, attitudes & overall mental/spiritual freedom........Assuming you are not referring to a "lost-love" that wounded you deeply in adulthood, when you speak of "learning that someone you like & respect, does not return that opinion of you".....the immediate question that comes to my mind is...HOW is it you came upon the knowledge that a particular individual does not LIKE you? With the exception of a DIRECT & emphatic statement from THAT person, him/her/self....or blatant rude & disrespectful treatment from that person directed at you.....it is not at all simple to determine "someone doesn't like us." Surely you have not accepted as FACT or TRUTH, something that a THIRD party has suggested to you!!?? Do you think you are an overly-sensitive type of woman? Do you read into things, facts that simply are not intended? No..no..I'm not going to grill you with a thousand questions, although I would love to. I'm simply curious about what you have said and WHY you say it. All I would like to add here and now, is....If MORE people LIKE you than those you believe dislike you, you're in the UPPER 20 % of the Nations population!! No one lone individual can be LIKED, admired or respected by EVERYONE they encounter in life. This is truly an impossible feat. In fact, truth be told.....there are those people who have the OPPOSITE issue as you...Those are they who are CERTAIN people LOVE them when nothing could be further from the truth!! lmao. Know a few like that? I sure do!! Two more things: I have only been introduced to you via your "hubs" (a.k.a your heart, mind and soul in print) and our brief communications....and I LIKE YOU!! Enough to want to get to know you better!! Peace!

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MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

fpherj48 – Thank you so much for liking me, and for showing concern.

Fortunately I like myself and all people I know like me too, except for five I know of. Only one of them was a woman, though she recently admitted that she could not handle the fact that I won all the rewards while she felt she was more successful than I. (Professional envy). But she is one of many I will never be able to like, though I will never be rude to any of them.

I am actually a friendly and likeable person, despite of the fact that I am straight forward and generous with my views and opinions. Being me, I do step on some feet, especially on the feet of men who expose chauvinism and the tendency to intimidate and humiliate others. Men with issues consider me as a threat when I display knowledge, talent and insight they don’t have in their frame of mind. They just hate me because I don’t crumble and beg them to accept me as I am.

Of course they rudely express in some way or another dislike in me – I never react on my suppositions, except to confront somebody with it. I always want to know what the cause of someone’s cold vibes is – I may be able to solve their problem – it could be a simple misunderstanding easy to correct.

What hurt me when they show contempt is not only the feeling of being rejected, but mostly my disappointment. My father, who was a phenomenal man, is the model I have for all men and I find it difficult to come to terms with any man who is not on the level he was. It is difficult to believe that a man is not able to understand and accept me as I am. I realize though that their need to be admired and even worshipped influences their opinions negatively, making them convergent, instead of divergent thinkers (and judges).... and of course these tendencies are rooted in personal unfortunate and lamentable experiences. One of the men hates me because I remind him of his ex-wife. Now what can I possibly do about that? It is his problem, not mine.

Maybe I should write a hub about this specific social issue. On the other hand, I prefer not to dwell in this. I have too many soul-enriching and uplifting things to ponder and do. Feeling hurt is my problem, as well as struggling with my vulnerable self-esteem; it is surely not their problem and I aim to get them off my mind as soon as possible.

fpherj48, by now you surely realize that I am completely in control of my feelings. I know where it comes from, I know the workings of my emotional system and ‘what I know’ is in charge of ‘what I feel’.

I do appreciate your concern tremendously and hope you will feel relieve now that you know you don’t need to worry about me. I look forward to read more of your hubs, because I like people like you who are positive, strong and eager to lift others up to your level.

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fpherj48 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Martie....How nice of you to take the time to send me such an explicit message. I DO feel better, in fact I'm thrilled to know that you are completely aware of how talented and lovable you are! In fact, as I read, I was astounded that I hadn't written the words about myself...but you had written them about you. Clearly your 3rd. paragraph describes me to a Tee....about not fearing to voice your opinions and being averse to male chauvanists....My, my, Martie, we may be sisters by different Misters!

Odd that you offered up the "Professional envy," theory...as I thought about your prior email, I wanted to suggest that "jealousy" is the most common reason women get their knickers in a knot. I have no tolerance for envy nor jealousy in others and surely not in myself. It's utterly pathetic, in my opinion. I read the fabulous intro of YOU written by Sunnie....and you might just be my HERO this week. AMAZING, Martie....YOU are amazing. Til we hub again.........

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MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

fpherj48 – I love your sentence: We may be sisters by different Misters. And I do agree with you after I’ve read your profile and latest hub. Thanks for your lovely comment, fpherj48. Let’s have a toast on our friendship :))) And BTW, it is because of people like you that I, in spite of feeling hurt, don’t mourn the loss of a (potential) friend for more than a couple of hours.

"Till we hub again..." The way you play with words is amazing. (That guy in your latest hub, who stood like a deer in headlights, is still standing in my mind.)

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fpherj48 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Here, here! To new-found friends in cyberspace one from North America, the other from South Africa...building a bridge on common ground, paving with the sands of time, and boulders we have scaled up ....to reach the arch connecting us...our minds our hearts our souls....

CHEERS to Hub-Sisters!!

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MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Beautiful comment, fpherj48. I'm looking forward to dive into your hubs.

(Just to keep record: This hub has been read 173 times since it was posted on 19 Nov'11 - 22 comments. So it may stay published until next check.)

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moonlake 5 years ago from America

I find many people who don't like me. I know that I am fast to judge myself. I try not to be that way. I'm kind and nice to everyone.

I know people who I like that don't like me and I have no clue why.

I once ask women I had know for a long time to give me her email and I would send her recipe I think it was don't remember for sure what it was. I could tell right away she didn't want me to have her email. She did give it I sent her the item then took her off my email list.

I learned a long time ago people who seem not to like you stay away from them and see how fast they will return because now their wondering why you don't like them.

I know a person who is not so nice and people fall over themselves to be her friend. Why you have to wonder.

Enjoyed reading your hub.

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empire mike 4 years ago from empire, colorado

unfortunately, a person can also grow up in a family who doesn't like them. in that instance it is easier for that person to defecate an asteroid than to like himself. he then spends the rest of his life making sure that nobody dare likes him. why? because he doesn't deserve it. how can anybody like you or how can you like yourself when the closest people in your life are your worst enemies? it's not a likely thing for a child to tell his "caregivers" to f*** off. i was compelled to read this martie and knew it would be excellent, which it was. thanks for letting me vent- not that you had a choice! some pain can never go away.

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MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

empire mike, every word you've written is so-so true. People are people through people - we see/love/like ourselves through others, and then we try to live/cope with it. Too much as well as too little love/like mutilate us... Then WE and nobody but We (read I-me-myself) have to find a way to survive...

I cannot see you, I can see only your soul/spirit with the eye of my soul/spirit, and I must say I like you. The one who was not able to like you when you were a child, must have had some personality disorders or perhaps too many or not enough love combined with insufficient education.

Now when are you going to show your real sexy self for the entire world to see? Mmmmm? Oh, I know why we are afraid to expose ourselves... But while you are building a bridge to get over your reasons, what about a sexy avatar - WITH clothes on.... Or a bee, in search of honey-sweet love and peace.... or you sun-sign? Lol! But really, my dear brother, you scare the living daylight out of me with all your ugly masks.... (Only God knows why brothers always tease their little sisters :)))

Have a great day, empire mike!

PS: I really think you are a likable and lovable man.... So sorry the Atlantic ocean is between us.... :))

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empire mike 4 years ago from empire, colorado

you know, if i had not had to become a survivor from age 6+, i wouldn't be here today. but a 6 year old shouldn't have to be a survivor. and what do you have when a child survivor becomes an adult? an old survivor. yes the ONES who were not able to like me as a child inherited plenty of personality disorders, and guess who they passed them on to? you know, i work in a very public place, and the world sees me as i am- inside and out, and i really don't hide much- and i do work with clothes on! i am very, if not too open about myself to people in the real world (we all know that hubpages is not the real world). it's the real me that scares people away, not a mask. people with personality disorders scare me away, and i guarantee that they scare you and every unreal hp person who will ever read this. you know it's true. there really are people out there who are not lovable or likable, just like there are are lovable, likable people who attract people to them like a moth to a light. you have met both kinds and have responded accordingly. i know how people respond to me, i have spent a long lifetime watching it over and over. there are people on hubpages who would tell you they don't like me as a person, if they were honest- and they don't even know me, but neither do you or anyone else on hp who say they like me (with the exception of nellieanna- she is simply an exceptional person who happens to know me). why do people flock to her anyway? because she is an exceptional person. she make all these unexceptional people on hp feel good about themselves for a fleeting moment- and then they have to go back to their lonely, unexceptional lives and try to survive until they can succeed to get some more nice comments about their WRITING, when all they want is nice comments about themselves, because they can't get those in the real world. this is the real me martie- it's even the improved me after years of very good therapy. gee, good thing you didn't know me before then, huh? if have ever known one person in your life who didn't hide behind masks, it would be me. hubpages isn't real, so why should should i present a real avatar. my avatars are fun- and my real one, you've seen it. and me? i know i'm attractive on the outside. so what? if i ever posted it on line, i might even get more followers and comments. but you know what, all you readers out there? its the reality hubs that i write and arb writes that get the LEAST comments. why, you may ask? because people don't like reality. they like fantasy. hubpages is a fantasy. and they don't want reality to spoil their fantasies. that and this is reality. i would challenge you, and nellieanna, and marie, each of you to publish these very words in your own hubs, and i guarantee you would collectively get less than 30 comments from your thousands of "followers." it would blow your minds. martie, if you still say you like me after this, i will honestly believe you- i already do. but if you had met me in south africa under different circumstances, no offence at all intended, but you wouldn't have ever had reason to get to want to know the real me. that's how reality is in my life. and you already know how reality is in your life...feel free to delete this, we don't want to upset anyone else's fantasies.

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MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

Dear empire mike, I actually feel like turning your comment and my reply into a hub. So important are the topic and your views, which are also mine. The title could be in the line of ‘Being real in an unreal world’.

I need to emphasize that many of us are very real (our real selves) on the Internet and especially here at the hubs where we truly support and encourage each other to build bridges in order to get over our issues in life. Thanks to Nellieanna and many who supported me since the beginning, I finally and firmly got over my past. You will find all the issues I had in here, with the comments that had changed me from negative and bitter into positive and sweet. Yes, I am certainly sweet, LOL, until someone shock me into a bitter @itch.

I’ve ‘heard’ and understood all your points. Regarding your scary avatars, I will enjoy them from now on, knowing that you are not some kind of a nutcase trying to manipulate us with scary avatars.

I must go and spend proper time in your corner. There are a few hubs I have not yet read, only because I have too many balls in the air.

I’ve recognized much of myself in you, as you are in real life.

Just a few simple facts: I am a survivor. People with issues don’t necessarily have personality disorders. I have issues and disorders – an inferior complex, but firmly strengthen with courage and self-assurance. The latter is not really a contradiction, it simply means I know my good and bad characteristics and I know how to use the good in order to achieve my goals. I do have an obsessive compulsive personality disorder – don’t ignore ‘personality’ – in the sense that I am over-enthusiastic about everything I do and can’t rest before I’ve finished what I’ve started.

I’ve noticed that comments on my hubs are only posted by my close friends, although many of my close friends don’t read all my hubs because they are simply too busy writing and publishing their own and handling the comments they receive. Comments on my hubs are more or less 10% of the total reads.

Of course I still like you after this. I adore honest people who share their honest-to-God views on life with me. I don’t necessarily agree with all their views, but I do find them extremely interesting and worthy to know. It takes all kinds of people to make a world.

I am so curious to know why I would NOT want to know the real you if you were for instance a neighbor or colleague of mine? The only reasons would be an overloaded schedule or/and no mutual interest/projects. But I am sure I would like and respect you, and maybe I would even wish I had the opportunity to know the real you. You know real love (all sorts) is the desire to know/understand another person better.

Mike, thank you so much for enhancing this hub of mine with your profound and meaningful comments. Take care and keep the kettle boiling in your corner… Or what about some wine on ice?

marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Just gotta say......I love my Sista and my Bro...you can show me your faces, you can wear your masks, you can even show your asses...

cuz that's how this "family" rolls! I'll take the wine!

Hugs and kisses, Maria

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MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

Aawww, marcoujor, so good to see you, and so wonderful to have a real friend like you in this unreal world called CyberSpace :)

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Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

I know THE Michael - as much as he lets me, and then some. And I can only describe my response to him - always - as a SURGE of feeling LOVE. And, believe me, though I have kindly genuine responses to most people, I do NOT have the feeling to which I'm referring here and now which surges out to Michael every time I even think about him - not toward too many folks. I'm simply not some bottomless repository of pure and moving love - not of any of its varieties.

What I am is authentic. What I do feel, I can't help but feeling. What I lack, I'm glad to say is not supplanted with a negative feeling. I've been mistreated by some people but I can honestly say I do not feel hatred toward them. Toward most people I feel a genuine positivity, a desire to sort out their good qualities and to find out more & to encourage those qualities. It's not something I set out to do. It's what happens. If someone blocks it, I won't try to 'sell' them on it. But neither will I lash out because they couldn't, wouldn't or whatever was their blockage. But if I love someone - LOVE the person - it just IS. A poem I wrote many years ago sums me up:

I am as incapable

Of faking feelings

I don’t feel

As I am

Of hiding

Those I do.

______© Nellieanna H. Hay


You're stuck with being fully loved by me, Michael. I loved you even when you were totally distant from us, even when you lashed out to try to express your fury and frustration for what-all you'd experienced and endured and were continuing to endure. It's YOU. Who and what you ARE. You're valuable and - lovable. If you weren't, I couldn't say you were. But I'd still look for your value. I don't have to try to find it. I see it.

I believe your HP friends do too. But I can't speak for anyone else. They're speaking for themselves.

There is much here in HP - in all of the cyber world that is less than 'real' or honest. You've seen it and it's so. I saw it from day one online - I think it was January , 1997 and I was in "Comic Chat". People even bragged about being fake. Someone saw a new face and offered to be my "boy toy". I toyed around with that offer enough to see how fake it was - which didn't take much. Then I told your Dad about it and we had a big laugh. I realized right then and there that it was MY fingers on the keyboard, MY thoughts - either honest or fake being expressed - and MY name being attributed with them. I decided I would be ME and be responsible for the me online. If I wouldn't do or say it IRL, then I wouldn't do or say it OL I think I've kept the promise pretty well. Not perfectly, perhaps - but it's my goal.

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Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

By the way - I like you, too, Michael - greatly.

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MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

My dearest Nellieanna, thank you so much for your profound comment. You know, I really cannot elaborate on it. You've said it all. Every word you've written is also in my frame of mind, ready to be written in my own way to a specific person whenever the opportunity presents itself.

So good to see you in my corner, my most dearest friend and imaginary mother in Cyberspace :) You are certainly authentic and completely unique.

I've read your latest hub but were interrupted before I could leave a comment. So I'll be back in your corner after I had my 'beauty sleep'. (Now 1:15am down here.)

In the meanwhile, take care, and catch a ton of hugs from me :)

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

Hugs, dear Martie. Hope you rest well.

Express10 profile image

Express10 4 years ago from East Coast

This is an awesome hub that I can relate to. I typically respond as an adult and am seen as aloof or standoffish as a result. I cannot allow myself to care what others think because I know the people that truly matter and if I don't make a new best friend wherever I go, I will survive just fine.

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MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

Express10 ~ You've stressed the crux of the matter: 'We cannot allow ourselves to care what others think of us'. That would be such a torture. Though the opinion of our beloveds do matter. Keep in mind - those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Thanks for reading and commenting :}

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SandCastles 4 years ago

Sometimes it is hard not to care when people are slandering us and spreading horrible rumours. It can be devastating and it takes an enormous amount of strength to keep one's head high. The best revenge is living well. Get busy with your life, confront rumours if you have to but mostly you have to ignore them because whisperings don't come with a name and address and nobody is going to admit who started the rumour and most don't even know who started it.

When I was a child and a teenager, my mother spread the rumours about me that I was a horrible child and my teachers came down hard on me and I didn't know why. I felt like an outcast until one kind teacher told me what my mother was saying and I was stunned. My mother denied saying those things about me but she continued spreading rumours. It turned out she had a mental illness. Those horrible stories made people hate me because nobody could believe that a mother would lie about her own daughter. Some people who knew my mother didn't believe a word she said because they knew she was a pathological liar but other people stood in judgment and condemned.

It takes great strength to not care under those circumstances. You have to live your life and do as good as you can. I did a lot of praying.

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MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

SandCastles, you have learned the hard way how to cope with people who don't like you. Coping with their reason, with those false rumors AND with a mother suffering a mental illness, were on top of it a heavy load to bear. My hat off for you for being able to analyze your 'load of adversary' so objectively and for building the strength of character you have today. I hope you are no longer suffering any of the consequences of that trauma in your life. Thank you so much for your most relevant and insightful comment.

Alecia Murphy profile image

Alecia Murphy 4 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

People who don't like you are as old as time. I just learn to go on with my life. Usually, I just think it's a loss for them not taking a chance on really working past whatever the issues they have. I try to respect people as much as possible and move on. There will always be people you don't get along with but what does it matter as long as you are comfortable with yourself and do the best to be a good, well-rounded person. Awesome hub!

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MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi Alecia, thank you for your awesome comment. I agree wholeheartedly with you. Vanity is the only reason why we are not able to accept the fact that some people don't like us. We cannot be lovable/likable to all and everybody. I remember during a 1-1 meeting with a new headmaster I was asked, "Do the others around here like you, or not?" Well, as far as I knew everybody liked me, except 2, maybe 3. He wanted to know what I was going to do about those 2-3, and my answer was, "Nothing! If I change myself to suit them, then none of the others will like me." So there, I think our priority should be ourselves. We should like ourselves and we should aim to be the best we can be. But keep in mind that we can, in fact, only like ourselves when we are liked by others. If one person says we are a donkey, we may ignore him. If two persons say we are a donkey, we should get third and fourth opinions. If three say we are a donkey, we should know that we are a donkey. Thanks for your thought-provoking comment, Alecia!

bizna profile image

bizna 4 years ago from NAIROBI - KENYA

People who dislike you are simply selfish. They always think they are best in everything. I have learnt to remove the log in my own eye before i remove a speck in someones eye. So i generally love all around me since there is something good about everyone. Nice hub, voted up.

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MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi bizna, I like your attitude. We should certainly remove the log in our own eye before even searching for the speck in someone's else eye.

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sholland10 3 years ago from Southwest Missouri

Martie, it seems the nurture/nature comes into play with many of us. Some of us would rather live in innocence and see the good in everyone, yet move to someone else if we feel we are not liked or accepted. Some us, as adults, still long to be liked - like the teenager- yet don't know how to handle it when we are not. Most of us grow into ourselves and accept when someone doesn't like us, and we go on and try not to harbor any animosity for those who hurt us. We are able to say, "I am what I am. Like me or not. The choice/problem is yours." I am a people person, so I like being liked. Yet, I have gone through the entire growth process several times in my life. I think I am finally an adult and can honestly say it's okay when others don't like me. It doesn't hurt like it used to because there is just too much life yet to be lived.

Love the hub and am linking it back to my "Reasons Why People Don't Like You." We should always keep self-evaluating and growing. :-) Votes and shares!

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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Sholland, thank you for this most relevant and profound comment. I agree with every word you've written. I have to read this hub again, because I wrote it while I was hurting because someone I really liked unfriended me. I know that some people find me overbearing, but being a people-pleaser I honestly try to consider others and to 'hold my horses' in order for them to have a nice ride while they are in my company. Only sometimes I become completely fed-up doing this, and especially when I don't receive the same kind of consideration. Then I spit fire. Like a volcano. Thank you so much for your lovely comment and also for linking me.

David M. 19 months ago

I would like to email you. Is that possible? I would really like to talk to someone like you. I feel you can help me tremendously.

I don't want other people to see what I write about and it is very personal.

May you help?

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MartieCoetser 19 months ago from South Africa Author

David, if you go to my profile page (click on my photo top/right), you will see (top/right) "Fan Mail". When you open it, you will see an option "Send MartieCoetser and email". Sorry you had to wait 4 days for my response.

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