Why I Choose to be a Submissive Wife

C.Ferreira made a comment on one of the hubs I've written today, How to be Judgmental. While the easy response I could have made would have been "and that's how you can be judgmental!" I do understand his position on the matter and I respect him for it. I began to write a comment reply to his statements, but decided that given that we are currently actively involved in the 100 Hub Challenge, I thought I would go ahead and make a hub about why I have chosen to be a submissive wife.

Before I begin, I would like to stress that this subject is one that is very sensitive and is very personal. My purpose with this hub is not to preach to you, the reader, but to express who I am and why I have made the choices that I have made in an effort to bring to bear understanding of why there are women like me who still exist in our modern times and culture. I ask that you please not look upon me with judgment, but rather strive to understand the choices that I have made and work to respect them as I respect the choices that others have made.

My submission is my choice, and I have surrendered of my own free will.
My submission is my choice, and I have surrendered of my own free will.

I am a Christian

Before I get into real depth with this hub, I want to make it quite clear that I am a Christian. I have always chosen submission over being in authority, but now the place from which I come in submission is completely different. The Bible tells women to submit to their husbands:

Ephesians 5:22

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." (NIV)

This is big, and it is bold, and there are a lot of people who truly don't like it. I have encountered Christian women who have clearly stated that they would rather cut off their husband's private parts than allow him authority in his own home. The choice, of course, is theirs. That is the wonderful thing about living in the twenty-first century and having free will: we make our choices, and henceforth we live with them.

The choice that I have made it to obey God and therefore to obey the Bible. It is a choice that I have made with a great deal of consideration, and here's the truth, dear reader: As much as I love you and appreciate your patronage -- It isn't your business.

I am a Christian, and I choose to follow the teachings of my faith. This includes biblical feminine submission. Please read further for more about my choice.


I Live a Biblical Marriage

Submission brings a household into balance like nothing else!
Submission brings a household into balance like nothing else!

Harmony vs. Discord in the Home

I lived in a home that was full of discord. Friends who have met my parents have commented that "you sure know who's in charge in that house!) and it is inevitably my mother who earns the title of "head of the house." My father drank to excess when I was a child and I remember my mother as a nag. However much I love her, I always felt somewhat intimidated by her authority. She isn't a soft person, nor is she hard. Not a natural leader, but put into a position to lead, perhaps because my father didn't want that role. I can't say. I am not my parents, and I have chosen a totally different path for myself.

Whatever the case, there was a serious sense of discord in my home growing up. There was a constant feeling of dis-ease in the house and I could never quite put my finger on it. I think my father, in some ways, drank to escape, and I think that my mother took over control of the household because my father couldn't be relied upon (because of the drinking). They were both counter productive to their ultimate aims.

I've always been friends with people who are older than me. Many of them come from the generation that was burning their bras and declaring equality for all women. And these friends of mine have perpetually encouraged me to learn how to "manipulate my man" so that I can get from him what I want. I learned from them how I could best withhold sex or give my husband the silent treatment. They taught me how I could "make him think it was his idea" even though whatever "it" was might be reprehensible to him. I've learned the strategies and tactics and I'm... divorced.

I believe that the number one reason that I am divorced is because I whined, and I cried, and, in that oh-so-girlish way, I had temper tantrums. My girlfriends, you see, told me that these tactics worked on men and that if I employed them, I would get what I wanted. In the end, however, what I "got" was divorced!

I didn't want that to happen again, and although I didn't consider myself "on the market" for quite some time after I was separated from my first husband, I wanted to work on changing me. I would only ever get so far if I continued to stew and blame him for what had gone wrong in our marriage, and it was possible that I might do more than recover if I assessed my own "blame" in the situation.

Please don't misunderstand me: adultery is always wrong. There is no way to get around it -- he didn't want an open relationship and yet continued to have an affair. I wasn't allowed the "luxury" of a secondary man, but he was in my best friend's pants every step of the way. He didn't have an excuse. The point is, neither did I.

I wasn't going to let this happen again. If I could be a "better" wife, then would my next husband be more inclined to love me, to stick by me through thick and thin? Would he be as inclined to wander from our marriage bed? I wasn't sure, but I had to find out!

I've been exploring submission for some time, and the one thing that I have discovered above anything else is the fact that wifely submission brings harmony to a home. There is no longer a power struggle between two people who both want to be "in charge." It is a confession of our dependence on one another and an acceptance of our natural roles.

Not everyone is going to agree, and I'm fine with that. There have been many a successful marriage in which submission was not practiced: who am I to argue with that! But it works for me.

I brought a lot of baggage with me on my journey to submission.
I brought a lot of baggage with me on my journey to submission.

My Journey of Submission

My journey hasn't been an easy one. I've stumbled blindly down many roads to get to where I am. I've sought (literal) violence to fill the need within me and I have, at times, allowed men to take advantage of me, because I felt that if I did, they would love me more. If I was "better" then I wouldn't risk being hurt as I was in my first marriage. The problem for me was that this was the road to burnout. I couldn't find the personal, internal balance that I needed in order to bring harmony to my home, and I certainly wasn't "the heart of the home" as now I want to be.

I have stumbled so many times on the road to the marriage that I want. Several times we have almost separated, and we still have the occasional row. As human beings, we are just like everyone else, and not one of us is perfect. I believe that is how God wanted it to be. If He had not, then He wouldn't have given us this thing called "free will."

I still stumble, and I stumble frequently. The time will come when I will blog my thoughts on the journey, but right now there is just too much going on and there are parts of me that are too wounded and still healing for me to be so open. Consider, please, the courage that it takes me in a secular environment to open up and admit: I am a submissive woman.

From Genesis, we were created with a purpose in mind.
From Genesis, we were created with a purpose in mind.

Woman: God's Great Masterpiece!

When I first became a Christian I found myself devouring every book on the subject of Christian womanhood that I could find. I wanted to know more, I wanted to understand how to "be better" and I wanted to serve God. I came into Christianity with one hot heart! I read... And I read... And I was discouraged... and I was disheartened and after a while... My heart was quite cold. I was angry. Strangely, though I have always opted for submission, being told that I had to submit was simply more than I could bear. Was I not equal to my husband? Was I not just as important in the eyes of God?

This is the argument that many people have with biblical submission, and I understand their argument perfectly. After all, if one submits to the authority of another, doesn't that mean that the one in submission confesses to being "less" than the one having authority?

No.

Do you submit to the wishes of your boss? If you are given instructions, do you follow them? If you didn't, you wouldn't have your job for very long, would you?! My husband is simply the "boss" of my home. I follow his instructions because that is the plan that God has for me. I am, over time, becoming increasingly content with my role and I am more and more happy with who I am in His design.

But back to me.

I faced the same righteous indignation that many secular folks do when faced with the idea that I might somehow be "less" to God. Then one day things began to gradually change, and it began with a parenting Bible study that I picked up. In the first chapter, the author talks about Genesis, and God's design for submission and authority. She talks about creation, and the way that God made one thing after another, each "thing" greater than the one that had come before it.

What was the last thing that God created in Genesis? You've got it! WOMAN!

As I gradually began to see myself as one of God's great masterpieces, I developed a fresh understanding of Him and His design, and I gained an appreciation for who I was within His creation!

God has a design for marriage, and I prefer to please Him by following it, even if it means being submissive to my husband!
God has a design for marriage, and I prefer to please Him by following it, even if it means being submissive to my husband!

God's Design for Marriage

God has a design for marriage. I know there there are many here on Hubpages who will disagree with this statement. After all, we are a community of secularists and atheists. I do not condemn those who disagree with my statements and those who disagree are not sinning for disagreeing. You were given the same free will as I was, and you must therefore make your own decisions.

From the time that God created Adam in the Garden of Eden, he had a purpose. He designed His first man in His image, and He created man with an authority. Man had dominion over the earth, and it was for man to tend the plants and name the animals. He had a special position of authority and was given the ability to make decisions and to choose between right and wrong. Man was given one rule to follow, and the choice to follow it in obedience to God or not.

Then there was woman. Genesis tells us that God said that "It is not good that man should be alone" and therefore He created Eve as a Help Meet for Adam. Eve was created to stand beside Adam, to support him and to build him up. She was created to take some of the load off of him and to give him companionship and someone to love. She was created with an open and loving heart and the ability to meet his needs, as she also could have her needs met by him.

There was balance to the environment in the Garden of Eden. Man had authority and woman followed the authority of man. Life in the Garden of Eden was beautiful until Eve fell victim to temptation.

Man and women, ladies and gentlemen, secular, Christian and "other" alike, were created equal. Men and women were created to be equal but different. That, my dear readers, was God's design for marriage.

It's Lovely to be a Woman

I like being a woman in God's plan. As often as I am told that I need to "get with the 21st century" and that "women have rights" I often laugh. I would prefer to be a woman today than a man during any age of our human history. I enjoy biblical, submissive womanhood, and here are some of the reasons why.

  1. I don't "have" to go to work every day. I have the choice to stay at home with my daughter and educate her at home as I have chosen to do.
  2. I don't have to shoulder the responsibility of sheltering and feeding my family. That falls to my husband. My job is simpler: appreciate him and support him in his effort.
  3. I get to spend more time with my children and learn invaluable skills that I can use in the home and pass on to them.
  4. I have more time to spend on money-making hobbies at home, including writing, knitting and sewing.
  5. I control the mood in the house. If the household is miserable, I am fully able to make my family happy by my own spirit and attitude!
  6. I am the one ultimately in control. For a control freak like me, that rocks!

More than anything I love that I have the right to choose. Living in the 21st century, I have decided that I want to be a submissive wife, and I love it that way!

My Submission, My Right

As my final word, I want to point out to all of you that this is my life I'm talking about. I'm not pointing at you and your relationship and saying that it is bad or that it is wrong: simply that I have made a choice to live my life in a particular way. I ask that everyone respect that and keep their personal judgments to themselves. You make your choices based on what works for you in your relationship, and please, do allow me to make mine!

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Comments 152 comments

\Brenda Scully 7 years ago

Glad you are happy with the choices you have made... enjoyed reading this...


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Thank you Brenda :)


dwilliamson profile image

dwilliamson 7 years ago from Kamloops, BC

That is a really good hub, Everyday Miracles.


frogdropping profile image

frogdropping 7 years ago

EM - in truth I struggled with the word 'submissive'. Still, I read through your whole article. The further down I got, the more I realised that if I internalise, as opposed to externalise - there's a large part of me that's actually submissive in my home. I'm the one who runs it, I look after us within the four walls. Oddly, my partner is actually very capable, in terms of cooking, cleaning and so on. However, somehow we've adopted a semi-submissive partnership. Hmmmm. Yet I'm not unhappy (far from it), neither am I dominated. I'm a feisty woman by nature and I don't consider myself as being controlled or manipulated into my role. This has certainly made me think.

I think this hub took a bit of courage to write and THEN publish. You will, I imagine, ruffle a feather or two (whether anyone will say so, I don't know) because I know many women such as those that encouraged you to manipulate your way to your divorce - and likely some will read this.

And so on that note, thankyou for this. Very interesting. And in my opinion, well thought out, explained and written. Rated up.


Whikat 7 years ago

HI E.M, I enjoyed the reasons you choose to be submissive and I am happy for you that you are comfortable with the choices you have made.


Silver Freak profile image

Silver Freak 7 years ago from The state of confusion

Congratulations on having the courage, not only to adopt an "unpopular" lifestyle, but to write about it with grace and dignity and publish it here.

I personally don't agree with your choice, my husband and I have chosen a path of sharing and equality, but I do understand it and appreciate it.

I do know that, in the BDSM community, it's called topping from the bottom.

This was a fascinating hub, and thanks for presenting it so well. I'm sure you'll have given a lot of people a lot of food for thought.


Janetta 7 years ago

cheers to you for being able to voice your opinion in the face of others who may not agree. Bravo on being a strong woman while being a submissive wife :)


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

@frogdropping: It isn't necessarily true that in order for one to be submissive the other must dominate. The two words are very taboo in our current society and there are a lot of reasons for that. We see domination as being something that is done *to* a person, and we mistake the meaning for "domineering." Someone who is dominant is not necessarily abusive, and some submissive individuals I know *are* abusive.

For me, it's a choice. Not so much who I am, as I'm a natural leader. In my home, however, I choose to follow his leadership. Not always fun and definitely not always easy, but I've discovered that it is always worth it, and I do know that I'll be adding my blog to the blogroll shortly ;)

@Whikat: Thank you :)

@Silver Freak: I think that you, and others, mis-define the term "equal." Being equal doesn't mean that we are the "same."

I appreciate that some prefer what they think of as an "egalitarian" relationship with their partner. I have never experienced this type of a relationship and it would be easy for me to say that it doesn't exist or that it is impossible. It is quite normal for one individual in a group to take on a leadership position. That's the case in my marriage. The difference is that we acknowledge and embrace it and are usually more in harmony as a family as a result.

In BDSM, "topping from the bottom" usually refers to a submissive taking control in a scene in a manipulative manner. The term is generally thought of as a very negative expression and submissives don't like to be accused of doing it (though most *do* do it).

In BDSM, the submissive always has the control. S/he can withdraw consent, which is vital to the BDSM dynamic. Likewise, I can change the dynamic of my relationship if I choose to do so. But ours isn't what I consider a BDSM relationship (because I see BDSM as something that you *do* not a way in which you *live*).

One of these days (probably in the next thirty) I will do a hub about the different roles within the "traditional" family, including the head of the household and the heart of the home. I look at it as a symbiotic relationship, I'm just glad not to have the bulk of the responsibility ;)


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Thank you Janetta :)


frogdropping profile image

frogdropping 7 years ago

Janetta - exactly that :) Well put!


frogdropping profile image

frogdropping 7 years ago

EM - the sumissive/dominating thing was what I was getting at. I just know we are happy. And for me - that's important :)

Night EM


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Frogdropping, you do what makes you happy -- you do what *works*. That was essentially what I was trying to get at throughout the entire hub.

I believe in biblical submission because, well, I'm a Christian. But more than that I believe that submission works for me. I am not, myself, "submissive." But I am happiest when I'm NOT the one doing the leading.

Right now I strive for stability. We'll see about tomorrow :)


Eaglekiwi profile image

Eaglekiwi 7 years ago from -Oceania

Great hub and good for you standing up and not being afraid to say 'This is Me' well an important part of you. I can understand your reasons for concluding Gods Way would bring peace and freedom after growing up in an opposite direction. I think ( just my opinion) that many relationships are often like that ,particularly from the 1950's on. Woman stayed in marriages rather than Divorce. Now its swung the other way. Neither is healthy.

Gods Way is different from the Worlds Way and that makes sense to me.God also holds the husband alot more accountable for his wifes well being and spiritual growth than man made laws do ,so the submission is authority with accountability.

If God is the Head , Hubby the Manager , Wife Helper ( and the pays good) lol couldn't resist.....Go for it ,Two Thumbs Up!


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Eaglekiwi: Darnit, I wish I had remembered the part that you mentioned about accountability! Good one! Thanks for mentioning it!


Eaglekiwi profile image

Eaglekiwi 7 years ago from -Oceania

EM Your welcome ,isn't it great how a good article oops hub makes ya think long after ya log off. Now Im thinking of all the Health benefits too ie reduced stress ,fewer sickdays,harmony in the work-place.Maybe theres a union too? for when one or the other breaks the law( when things go wrong) ,love law oh that positions already been filled>>>>> He thinks of Everything huh.


Lissie profile image

Lissie 7 years ago from New Zealand

Fascinating (sorry just been to the new trek movie) - you really have a talent for explaining. I was horrified at the title, or thought it was a parody - but when I read it its interesting. I can't stand anyone (and its usually women) who manipulate another person or whinge. Why is NO so hard for some women to say? I think the key is the "stay at home" lifestyle.

I have always worked full time (committed relationship 10+ years, no kids) earned the same as my partner - we shared the household stuff or paid someone else to do it. For the last 2 I have been working from home trying to make money online - my partner has been supporting me. It only seemed fair (given Id effectively halved our income) that I cook more, make a bit more effort to save money at the supermarket etc. It was logical for me to go shopping and run errands during the day when its quiet (you have no idea what a luxury that is). The roles changed - but its OK and I no one would ever call me submissive - but I can certainly see that if I had kids I would prefer your lifestyle than juggling a career and the kids and the family - and yes I can see how that is good for everyone.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Lissie, one thing I often wind up explaining in the long run is the fact that we make decisions together. If there was to be a disagreement, we would most likely go in the direction he chose -- which would be to decide to do what I wanted in the first place.

Most of the time, however, we reach a mutual decision.

I've had problems saying "no" at points in my life and it got me diagnosed as borderline (I'm not). I think that this has something as well to do with codependency, also not a problem that I have (in general!).

I think of it as having taken control of my own destiny. I have much, much more control than most women, but I'm lucky to have a husband who's role compliments mine as well as it does!

Thanks, Lissie!


lxxy profile image

lxxy 7 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

Well done, awesome thoughts!

I think that you're fooling yourselves here, with your gendered game.

You long to create harmony through pointed out who does what...and then you add the cultural boundaries.

Who cares? As long as a great family is created!

But you do well to speak of your life as you live it, and I commend you for your talent. Thank you!

Y.T.,

lxxy


Eaglekiwi profile image

Eaglekiwi 7 years ago from -Oceania

lxxy

what did your comment mean? " I think that you're fooling yourselves here, with your gendered game"


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

From a religious/spiritual point of view, it is about gender, lxxy. But I would be who I am regardless of my sexual organs :)


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Hi EM, Kudos for baring your soul like you've done above. I agree that a relationship based on manipulation and whining is unhealthy. Glad you turned your back on that lifestyle.

You raise several excellent points. One that really struck me (dispelling a misconception I admit I was harboring). Being submissive is NOT the same as being a passive doormat! As you point out in your bulleted list toward the end, you are ultimately in control -- and you are even a control freak. It just means you have your domain and your husband has his.

I don't think you are as alone in adopting this old fashioned, traditional wifely role as you might think. Very good hub, Keep writing!! MM


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Oh *I* know I'm not alone, Mighty Mom. Most people just don't want to talk about it outside of our own "community" of people who live in the same way. I just tend to be a LOT more open!


C.Ferreira profile image

C.Ferreira 7 years ago from Rutland, VT

First of all, thank you for the link to my page!

I see where you are coming from and this is a well written Hub, but I just cannot wrap my mind around the logic...or lack thereof as I see it.

"You were given the same free will as I was, and you must therefore make your own decisions." - By living the way God tells you to, you are giving up your free will! Free will is being able to do as you please, sure you can argue that your will is to live by God, but really it is his will that you are living by, and not your own.

I hope I'm not coming across as a jerk...I'm not trying to be! I really am just sharing opinion. If I'm out of line, please let me know.


Kelsey Tallis profile image

Kelsey Tallis 7 years ago from USA-Ohio

EM, extremely well-written and explained. Like Lissie, I was a bit horrified at the title, but I believe you when you say this is what you have chosen and that you are happy.

I was glad that Eaglekiwi brought up the issue of male accountability, because the main problem I have with condoning a woman being "submissive" to her husband is that often abusive men use this viewpoint to justify mistreating their wives and even their children. And unfortunately, many women allow themselves and their children to continue to be abused for the same reason.

If you and your husband and your children are healthy and happy, then obviously this works for you. What concerns me are the abusive men who use this paradigm to justify their abusive behavior, and women who justify being abused (or allowing their children to be abused) for the same reason.

I firmly believe I am a human being before I am a woman (and Eaglekiwi, I suspect that is what lxxy means by a "gendered game"). Personally, I think the dynamics in any romantic relationship will be different depending on the individual personalities of the participents (and that dominance/submission or meeting each other halfway depend more on individual temperament than one's gender). I have no problem with an individual's choice of lifestyle, as long as he/she does not use his/her choice (or religious beliefs) to justify abuse or try to coerce others (including their children) into making the same choices they do. 


Eaglekiwi profile image

Eaglekiwi 7 years ago from -Oceania

....thanks for gender thing explained.

Kinda what I was trying to explain too was Gods defination)of submissive as, Man ( husband) is to be like what Christ was/is to the Church, lead ,guide ,nurture,protect,actively promote, take full responsibility-accountability. Many sadly have twisted or taken the meaning out of context. I would even go further to say that Gods defination shows he understands the genders better than we relise.

Kelsey

I too ,totally am against any form of dominance be it male or female,any form of bullying or manipulation disgusts me.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

C.Ferreira, you're not out of line, but I am going to say that this is just one of those things where I don't think that you and I are going to be able to come to terms. We are each coming at the situation from a completely different angle. At some point I need to write a complete hub focusing on the topic of "religion" taking away freedoms vs. granting them. Having been a non-Christian (and not what I would call religious in any way during that time period, though I had beliefs of my own), I can understand your point of view -- but I simply can't make you understand mine.

Understand, before anything else, that this was a choice that I made before I became a Christian. It is something the lack of which has accounted for dissention in my family, and the presence of which has built a strong foundation for everybody in my family.

Where you see constraints, I see freedoms. It goes much, much further than a semantical battle, as well. It is something that is purely experiential. Your mileage may vary ;)

Kelsey -- If you look through the links I included one about abuse. There are some "issues" in the Christian faith about this because of the fact that we as women are taught that we are to quietly withstand. I've struggled with this and haven't yet reached a conclusion as to whether or not, for me, this is something that relates to a specific time period or if it is something that God really intends for us. Seeing as I don't believe that we are "less than" a man, I can't imagine that He would want us to be abused.

As for the raising of children, I believe that we have a responsibility to guide our children. That means, amongst other things, passing on our personal moral standards.

Interestingly, I've gotten hooked on re-runs of Trading Spouses. I watched an episode where an agnostic couple traded with a very Christian family. It was fascinating to watch how the agnostic father passed on his virtues to his son. I have to commend that family!


Leta S 7 years ago

I will say you write well--I have seen that in your forum posts, etc, and you also seem sincere....But, I could not disagree with you more here, forgive me EM, for I see this absolutely as a 'gendered game.'  To use the analogy of the boss, ie, I like my boss a lot--she's a very nice lady.  Also kind of spacey, 'political' in that she'll say one thing to one person, one thing to another, which I guess is effective (but something I don't do), and I can work circles around her--just a fact.  So in essence, I 'handle' her, as it must be done to get stuff done for the company and myself.  It certainly isn't about manipulation--probably more just understanding her nature--because we all have different temperaments--and the reality is that some in authority don't have the natural capacity to be there.  And, sigh, the definition of a leader is not that of someone 'in authority,' but one who takes responsibility and leads by example....  And you see none of that wasn't at all about gender was it?

As a woman who has never whined, never manipulated, never dominated, but always seeked egalitarianism in every relationship, I also find some of what you related about 'dominant' women just a tad depressing...and I could say insulting...but you seem like such a nice person actually, I wouldn't want to say that, really, either.

Bottom line, I guess, is that if YOU are happy--that's good.  :)  I couldn't be.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Lita -- If you take religion out of it, it isn't about gender. Because I am (now) a Christian, I *can't* take religion out of it ;)

I want to address, before anything else, what you referred to as "what you related about 'dominant' women."

I wrote this without editing, not only because of the challenge but also because I was allowing my thoughts to flow. I don't remember mentioning "dominant" women but if I did it was due to anger at a very particular person (very long story I will probably never tell on Hubpages) who was one of those who encouraged me (literally) to manipulate my husband. If he didn't give me what I wanted, I was to give him the silent treatment, etc, etc.

Instead, I see that there is a difference in thought processes depending on generation and general locale. Midwestern (US) women seem to be particularly manipulative (and I am one!).

I'm not going to bai out and say that this is an issue of semantics, because it isn't. But the honest to goodness truth is that I haven't known very many *women* who aren't one or the other. Men? Sure. I've known several men who are neither dominant or submissive. But in women, this trait seems to be more unusual. Perhaps this is because I prefer the company of men and homosexual women (my best friend is a good example of a woman who's traits are exaggerated, too).

Regardless of the reasons, I am only able to speak to my own personal experiences, and I've shared them here as such. It's been a journey.

I will leave you with this: If I have gleaned anything from your forum posts and from here it is that above all else, you know yourself. In my opinion, that's what it is all about -- getting to know oneself. For me, this is something that is very deeply a part of my being. The desire, the fire, the passion to submit is there within me (and YES read into that!). I would rather obey that passion and that desire than to live the rest of my life putting my light under a barrel.

The same as I will never question the preferences of the GLBT crowd, I would prefer that my own preferences not be questioned. It isn't the same, by any means, but it is similar!

And yes, Lita, I'm becoming happy. I haven't been for most of my life because I've lived with a heck of a lot of confusion. It's like finally coming out of the closet. There is a relief, and a knowledge that "real life" is right around the corner. It's my real life and I want to live it!

Thanks! :)


Steve Rensch profile image

Steve Rensch 7 years ago

A few thoughts: (1) Consider the possibility that the subtle "control" by the submissive one is the only path that Christianity (as opposed to Christ) has left to women. (2) The choice is not limited to the woman who has her focus at home with husband and children, on the one hand, or the ball-busting woman who would beat men, on the other. The other choice is the woman who is dedicated to her family but includes in her set of responsibilities that of correcting her husband when he becomes too much "of the world" or forgets where he comes from. A man without that correction is ultimately weak. (3) Finally, what is this Christian arrogance that authorizes you to throw the intimacy of your beliefs at your readers and then assert that it is none of their business. This is not a Christian phenomenon, anymore than a Muslim or Jewish one. It is the male double-standard. The question for me is why you adopt it.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Steve, my choosing to share my beliefs with others and therefore to put myself on the line puts me in a position to be judged: I understand that. You and others may choose to criticize my beliefs or my choices, but you cannot force me to change them any more than I can force you to change yours.


C.Ferreira profile image

C.Ferreira 7 years ago from Rutland, VT

EM- No, we will never agree. You are right about that. And I may not understand the whole submissive wife point of view, but as a former born-again christian, I certainly understand that point of view.

In reading your comment to Lita...You begin to compare your preferences to that of the GLBT crowd, and then say it is not the same but similar. I don't think this is the case.

Sexual preference is not the same or similar as what you are writing in this hub. Not even close. From my understanding and experience in the world, sexual preference is genetic. (yes in some cases, people experiment and what have you, but the reality of their sexual preference is genetic.) You were not born into this desire, and therefore you cannot compare the two.

I will say that of all this, the most common theme that everyone ca agree on is that if it makes you happy then good deal, and I agree, but I think that happiness can come from a much better place!


Steve Rensch profile image

Steve Rensch 7 years ago

Then why do you write? Expression is only valuable if it leads to dialogue. You acknowledge in your writing that it is motivated, to some degree, by your uncertainty about what is so and a desire to get closer to the truth. That is a healthy expression, and I respect it. But at other moments, you go into a don't-tread-on-me statement to the very people you've invited in. That is your pain. A pain that many of us know well. If you believe, as the teaching says, that "the truth shall set you free", why not talk about that underlying pain? Am I being intrusive? That depends on whether your definition of religion means making life comfortable, or confronting head on the devils that plague men's souls. In my experience, the peace created by the former is fragile and unreal. The peace that follows cleaning the skeletons out of the closet is where we see God beyond the platitudes and come together with other people in a deeper way.


Paper Moon profile image

Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

I too have written hubs as opposed to comments. Hubs can be so inspiring and thought provoking. I feel that marriage is a partnership, and both parties should be submissive to a degree.


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 7 years ago from India

While I totally agree with everything you say EM - I guess, like religion, it has to be a personal thing. What I will say though is that the Christian path is easier to make a marriage survive simply because it sets up a framework which is a recipe for success. The woman obeys, the man cherishes - they both go hand in hand. I don't see any dominating or subjugating because both are - or should be done with love. Why it works is because God is the centre. Not many will see it like that and let's face it, there are so many happy marriages that do not follow this pattern. However, I still believe that it is practical and fulfilling for those who do! Great hub - thanks!


R Burow profile image

R Burow 7 years ago from Florida, United States

I always find it interesting that in our society it is all about 'choice', that is, until someone makes a choice which is different than our own. Your choice is one that so many people can not fathom because they do not understand the ultimate truth of the Bible. It is not about domination, it is not about subjugating another person. Marriage is a picture of what our relationship should be to God. The Bible speaks of the 'church' as the bride of Christ, and He as the bridegroom. Husbands are to "love their wives as Christ loved the church." Christ was willing to lay down His life for the church, and He did. Clearly, our husbands have the greatest challenge. What woman in her right man would not love and submit to a man who would live his life towards her, as Christ did for us ? In addition, I have a friend who was taught by her mother,'your husband is the head, you be the neck.' This is not bad advice. You have chosen to live your life as the 'neck', as have I. Through love,support,submission, I turn my husbands head. Some of your critics should try it. Perhaps they would be amazed at how freeing it is.

R Burow


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

C. Ferreira -- Actually, maybe you don't understand. The thing is that it is exceptionally difficult to take God out of the equation for me. It wasn't always that way. At times I feel I have said everything on a given subject, only to find that the readers have "missed" something (because it wasn't there in the first place). I apologize for failing you and will attempt to correct that. Honestly, I should do this in another hub because of the challenge, but I'm getting *so many* comments that I don't think that would be fair.

To begin with, I want to address myself, as a submissive person.

In my case, you could use the word "submissive" as a noun. Do you know what that means? If not, that's okay. Many don't. I've been a part of the "kinky" crowd for some years now. Many years. Almost half of my life. I sought out "rough sex" as a result of not knowing what to do with the feelings that I harbored inside. You see, I have wanted to submit to a man (or a woman, for that matter) for at least the past 26 years (or at least as long as I can remember!).

So I've had submissive tendencies since I was a very young child. But I wasn't a Christian. Raised in a non-devout Catholic family and then converted to paganism when I was twelve, I wasn't a Christian until last year. But I've been in submission to my husband much longer than that.

You understand what the Bible teaches on the subject, but you don't understand the submissive person. That is fine (and I'm sorry if I come off condescending, not my intention!).

I'm not gay, but from what I know from my gay friends, their "minds" work with regard to the issue of sexuality the same way that mine works towards domination and submission. Is it genetic? I don't think so, in either case (and don't fancy arguing genetics right now -- no time with the challenge going on!). More likely is that it is a difference in brain chemistry (in both cases).

I had cause to meditate on this quite a bit before responding, and here are my thoughts:

I have dominant tendencies. This is something that I learned from early on. In order to get what you want, you have to fight and dominate in order to get to the top. I was also taught that black men are less "good" than white men and that men in general are pigs (by my father -- odd). Those things, likewise, aren't true, are they?

Sometimes, just sometimes, lovingkindness gets us to the top. And black and white makes no difference to me (don't know about you). I also don't think that men are pigs, just different from women.

Society (and my parents) taught me a lot of things. Some of them were good (you can do anything you put your mind to!) and some of them weren't (if you don't get what you want, have a tantrum -- it works every time!).

Society once told us that it wasn't okay for a woman to go to work, or for a person to be gay. We're breaking the mold on those things. And I believe I should retain my right to make the decision about what I'm going to do with my life, my will and my spirit.

As a Christian, I'm still not out there trying to take away a person's "right" to be gay (and won't even discuss the rightness or wrongness of it) or a woman's "right" to choose (I vote pro-choice). Therefore it often baffles me that people are so quick to point out where I am wrong in my thinking when I stand up for the personal freedoms of *everyone*.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Steve Rensch -- You are seeing something that isn't there, I guess. I don't know what to tell you. I didn't write this hub in order to get into a deep argument with anyone, but as a way to hopefully allow other people to understand the choices that I have made, and why.

There isn't pain -- not any more. Healing is very real and very possible with the right combination of factors. And I would never say that I was truly hurt. The right words would be REALLY PISSED OFF. I have way more self respect than to be "hurt" by my husband choosing my best friend over me. He made the wrong choice. There is absolutely no question about that.

Could I have changed the circumstances in advance of the events that caused the affair? I honestly think I could have. Had I shown him more support, more respect, met HIS needs more rather than demanding constantly that my own needs be met unconditionally (with no effort on my part) I think that things would have been different.

Submission didn't come about after the fact like that. It just happens that I cam to *understand* submission after the fact. I'm going to have to throw some recommended reading into the hub above so that perhaps more people will understand my path.

I understand myself and I am coming to understand my husband and therefore my marriage. He's an odd one, and he breaks the mold.

The point is that we're happy. I'm not covering anything up. I'm not hiding something (or I wouldn't have written this in the first place!). I am, day by day, discovering more and more about myself. I'm learning and growing at a pace that I didn't previously believe was possible, and my self-confidence is improving. We're talking about me returning to college, or the possibility of me trying to find some acting work locally (there are movies filmed in the area regularly if nothing else -- not my cup of tea, but extra work is fine by me!).

My submission isn't hurting me, and it isn't a cover up. I'm not sure why you have a personal investment in something that is -- well -- so personal.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

@Paper Moon -- There is a point in the Epistles (I can't remember whether Peter or Paul, darnit! New Christian, sorry!) where it says that man and wife should "submit to one another." It's interesting that you should say that, because it's true. A very good relationship is a lot of give and take, and ours is like that.

He tends to make the final decisions on anything, and 80% of the time he will sacrifice self to give me my preference, in effect, submitting to me. Thanks!

@Shalini Kagal -- I completely agree with you about the framework! Christians aren't "better people" than anyone else, but we have a guidebook to use to get us to our destination in the most effective possible way. I think it was when I started to see the Bible in that light that I began the journey to becoming Christian.

@R Burrow -- There's a lot more to it than that. It's not just about making a spiritual/religious choice, but any choice. These days, a woman who chooses to stay at home is often pitied because she "could be out there working." We've become a very judgmental society.


Eaglekiwi profile image

Eaglekiwi 7 years ago from -Oceania

Some light relief perhaps:

Just remember behind every good man ,stands an even better woman and behind that woman stands...

Very Strong Coffee..lol ( you thought I was gonna say God didn't ya).....


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

LOL Eaglekiwi! I needed the laugh, thanks!


Eaglekiwi profile image

Eaglekiwi 7 years ago from -Oceania

Anytime lol


Steve Rensch profile image

Steve Rensch 7 years ago

I appreciate your responding. All things are personal to me. Was there anything that was not personal to Jesus? Is there anywhere he would not enter? Good luck.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Steve Rensch: I think that in spite of my ongoing effort at full forgiveness there is some residual anger over the entire series of events that led me to be where I am *now*. To explain... Well, EVERYTHING would take days, if not years, to write. Perhaps one day I will put it all down in book form, but I would need to work with several psychologists in order to get to the point where I understand it well enough to do that ;)


RooBee profile image

RooBee 7 years ago from Here

What an incredibly well structured and well-written hub. You should be a top debator, arguing your case so logically and unantagonistically (is that a word?).

To be able to take such a controversial subject and look at it with the depth and critical thought processes the you have is really commendable.

Whoda thunk- strong, intelligent, confident and submissive would go together in a sentence but apparently they do! :)

Voting up for sure!


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Thank you, RooBee.

The fact of the matter is that I very rarely meet a woman who has chosen to submit (and succeeds at doing so ;) ) who is not intelligent and considerate.

I'm not sure about unantagonistically being a word, but I could pronounce it, so we're go ;)


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 7 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

Another excellent hub. Many may not agree with you but when it comes down to it, it is your life and you have to live it in the way that you want.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Thank you :)

I'm really actually quite surprised how civil the discussion on this hub has remained in spite of it's controversial nature. I didn't write it to be controversial, but from the heart. Nonetheless I am pleased :)


lindagoffigan profile image

lindagoffigan 7 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Everyday Miracles, I agree with Eagle and Steve.  The bible tells us to submit to our husbands but also the bible tells the husbands to treat his wife like the church.  The book of Corinthians is all about relationships and I have read the book intently.  However, the man must be accountable for his actions as Eagle asserts or abusiveness will set in.  If you would listen to the songs of today that talks about culture, most men like for their wives to be independent and to give them the space that most men need.  Steve was at odds for you sharing such personal information and everyone is walking on pins and needles in regards to their remarks. You actually have included your real picture which is okay and it suggests openness.  I read that your real name is Becky and I have enjoyed your hubs. However, I think that you are looking for an Okay from this group as you did when your other friends told you how to relate to your husband that ended up in divorce.  It is interesting that the readers can only sympathize or empathize with you because very little information is given about the husband or the other party in the relationship.  I think that you have found a comfortable place to be in regards to your state of dominance dictated by your mother who you may not understand.  You have decided to follow the bible because how can you go wrong if you do as God says.  Also there is that word free will that covers you dare your submissive behavior not suffice. If you start to feel that your life is really in the hands of your husband and you began to have second thoughts then you have free will as your escape.

The biblical scripture I used was to cleave to my husband and so I worked a job tirelessly for thirty odd years while having six babies in the process. Then I realized that his heart was not with me or the kids but with control and sometime abusively. At that time I considered myself submissive because he paid all the bills.  I sought a divorce but it was against his religion until I found out that my pastor came from a divorced family.  TV evangelists were even divorcing. Divorce was the logical way out of an unhappy marriage that was just working for his interests.  I was still cleaving to him until I woke up and got a divorce.  He refused to sign the papers because of his "religion" but as small kids are in the house, I stay and try to gain independence in the lifestyle I have yet to be freed.

I am going to seek counseling as soon as I can afford it and that is what you should do.  You should not bring up a touchy subject and then tell people not to be judgmental.  You bared your heart and soul and readers can feel through the printed page.  So they say little and if they say too much, then they apologize.  I think that Steve had the best answer to your situation. Eagle made you think of your husband as a person and not just the one you have to please with submission so that horrible word divorce won't surface.  I suggest professional counseling to find out what you are all about before getting a strategy to hold on to a man for the second time.  God forbid if he was to meet someone like your other husband; where would you be with this relationship; what would you do?  I think you need to get professional counseling and maybe write in a journal. Expect people to respond if you write in a pubic forum as this.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Linda,

This started to be a long comment, but frankly, I don't need to be so long-winded that I need to check the comment for spelling errors.

You've read too deeply into this hub, and as many people have, there are some things that you misunderstand (probably my own fault -- I don't have time to edit for the next 28 days, but I will!). I'm not looking for symapthy about my first marriage -- I'm over it!

I will leave you with this: One can make judgments without being judgmental. We all do it, all the time. People are allowed to disagree with me -- respectfully. I've not deleted a single comment, either. Nobody has been disrespectful. Even though C. Ferreira and I are night and day on this issue, he has been respectful.

I'm happy. That shouldn't bother you or anyone else.


C.Ferreira profile image

C.Ferreira 7 years ago from Rutland, VT

Ditto. Good conversation.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Thank you C. Ferreira. I want to say how much I appreciate the way you've handled "the disagreement" (darned if that doesn't sound like I mean "big argument" but I don't). You've been a gentleman :)


charanjeet kaur profile image

charanjeet kaur 7 years ago from Delhi

Wow just wow, i just love it primarily as it is too well states the fact as they are. Life in india is always where we are submissive to our better halves, it has always been the case since so many years. I am not trying to raise a co relation but we are just the way we are...

My dad always said daugthers are always like a blackboard first a father writes on it then husband erases it and dictates what he wants and then your kid has the take on it. I feel this is not a sorry state for womanhood, i bet noone can be mentally and emotionally stron as we women are...

Everyday miracles your hub is such a prime example of being a woman, i have been there and still there i wish i could voice it out for me you are one hell of a strong woman...


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

charanjeet kaur -- not many women in the western world seem to understand or appreciate it. We aren't abused, sick in the head, or anything of that nature. In general, we are strong, intelligent women.

I try to learn from the behavior and decorum of Asian women (particularly Chinese and Indian) because the way they treat their husbands is the way that I want to treat my husband.

Us submitting to them doesn't (necessarily) mean that they don't love us! The husbands of submissive wives are some of the most loving and protective men I've ever known! :)


\Brenda Scully 7 years ago

just wondering is your husband reading these hubs, if so does he like them...


C.Ferreira profile image

C.Ferreira 7 years ago from Rutland, VT

Em...I'm glad that you feel that way about my response. I may disagree, but I do not have to be disrespectful. You have also been very cordial throughout this "argument". Perhaps we will have more in the future! lol


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

He's scanning them, Brenda. He hasn't given an opinion on them one way or the other. I'm not sure there's much of an opinion to be had. We've just always been this way ;)

C. Ferreira: I'm sure we will lol


\Brenda Scully 7 years ago

then your husband is much easier to be in subjection to than mine, your husband is not controling then..... Are there any in your religion that have controling husbands, how do they handle being submissive.... p.s. not saying my husband is controling he just would have an opinion on everything I asked him .....


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Brenda, there are controlling men of every faith. I know many men who try to control their women regardless of whether or not their women submit voluntarily. And control also works in several different ways, including controlling a woman by forcing her to take on the role of head of household (if she doesn't want it). I have a friend like that, actually.

I guess I'm just very blessed :)


shibashake profile image

shibashake 7 years ago

Hi EM,

This is a very well written hub on a very interesting topic. I enjoyed it very much as well as the comments afterwards.

There are however two things that jumped out that me:

1. There seems to be an unconscious (I think) association throughout the entire article of more dominant or assertive women with negative qualities. For example, your more dominant mom nagged, or your more dominant friend manipulated.

There is also an underlying suggestion of blame towards the more dominant female parties (e.g. your mom drove your dad to drink, your friend's advice partly caused the divorce, etc.)

2. The article seems to be written from a defensive position - in the sense of - female submission is generally a bad thing but let me explain to you why it is right for me.

I think the roles of submission and dominance in a relationship are often fluid. I also do not think that submission is somehow better or worse than dominance, or somehow more right or more wrong.

I think an interesting discussion can be had by simply laying out the advantages and disadvantages of both without attributing any false negativity or moral judgement on either.

Please note that this is just my opinion and not anything more :)


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

shibashake: You're right in both regards, especially in the first case about it being unconscious. I will work on that later and try to work it out a bit. I think that part of me got a bit riled up and angry as I wrote. Especially considering that you got out of it that the friend caused the divorce (I didn't meet her until a year ago and divorced seven years ago!).

When I wrote this yesterday I was feeling... Yes, very defensive. While I don't think that there is anything wrong (at all) with a woman's submission, there is definitely the part of me that feels as though for years I've been having to defend my point of view, mainly because it began *long* before I became a Christian. A secular woman choosing to submit to a man is considered a huge anomaly these days.

So sure, I feel defensive. I guess I'm just not "past" that point yet, even though it's been most of my life. Perhaps something I need to work on, or through, with others who take a similar standpoint.

Thanks for the criticism (nicely put, I might add) and I will fix the first part when I get a chance some time in June lol


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Hey EM, basically you're writing about being a domestic goddess.  When I was married, I did this whole submissive thing as well.,  We were very involved in the Church.  Unfortunately, when the man does not treat you with respect but rather as a doormat, it doesn';t work.  He has to play his part for this to work as God intended.


CennyWenny profile image

CennyWenny 7 years ago from Washington

I am not against submission in a marriage, but I think gender roles have changed over the years in such a way that the role of woman as a support and helpmeet in the home, like you mentioned later in the hub, has blown up into woman becoming the one who brings home the bacon, cooks it, and washes the dishes, and rubs her husband's feet afterwards. I have a great desire to encourage my husband and soothe his wounds after work, but I also work 40+ hours a week too, and am EXPECTED to even after we have children, mostly due to my husband's spending habits. Nor am I the only woman I know in a marriage/relationship like that. Many men are used to women working because their mothers did, and I personally find that the whole concept of "providing for the family" and being a man just doesn't exist among many men my age (Gen Y). Of course, generalizations are never good, it's just an observation I have had. I see no problem with traditional genders roles like the "submissive" wife, but both parties (husband and wife) have to play their roles, or else the burden becomes entirely lopsided.

As always I enjoyed your Hub!


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

CennyWenny, that's how my mom sees it, I think. I remember her once saying (seriously) that I had to work full time, be a full time mom, cook the meals, clean the house and take care of my husband.

She did all of that, truth be told. But that's just not me. I burn out too easily. I was lucky to find a man who agrees with me about these things. We're a good balance, the two of us :)


Marisa Wright profile image

Marisa Wright 7 years ago from Sydney

I was horrified to read the advice you'd been given by "friends" in your first marriage. It's sad there are women who see their husband as the opponent in some kind of contest, who must be manipulated into doing what they want.  I don't see how that could ever lead to a truly happy, successful and long-lasting relationship.

Reading some of your comments, though, I'm not sure if your meaning of "submissive" is anything like mine.  You're not being submissive if you discuss important decisions and resolve them together.  You're not being submissive if you've agreed to divide the household chores fairly between you.  That's not submission, that's equality!  Can you give an example of where you actually submit to his will without your own voice being heard?


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

EM- Most of the folks who become deeply religious either have endured very troubled times or have reached a saturation point as far as sensory enjoyments is concerned. Of course in India most of the folks are religious because thats all they have grown up in (i.e., not knowing if there is any choice in that matter).

Now coming to submission I feel that after a very bad experience (like bad marriage or childhood) then going from one end of the spectrum to the other end may seem like the solution. My parents were both religious but never forced there views on me. And also my parents always encouraged independent thinking. And before my marriage I made it a point to let my husband know that I am not very religious either which he didn't mind at all. I guess there are good marriages and some not so good marriages. Following religious doctrines aren't a guarantee in fact if wrongly administered could be a cause for failed marriages. If something works for you then that's great but using religious texts selectively to make women submissive is pretty common across many religions. But still I am happy to know that its working out for you and you are happy now. :D


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America

I much appreciate the coments suggesting that Christian marriage involves three people, not two: Jesus, husband, and wife; and how the husband is to treat the wife as Jesus cared for the church. I've taken classes in the original language versions of the Old and New Testament and leanred this also:

The original Hebrew word "helpmeet" means that the exact same help as from God - mighty, powerful defense and uplifting of the husband. The meaning of the English word helpmeet changed at the time of the King James Bible, to mean "servant." The freedom that treh Christian marriage allows the wife to submit to Jesus Christ through the husband, who is to her what Jesus is to the Church and he submits to God's powerful help through her.

The image we were given in class was of a husband doing God's will and the mission God gave him for himself and family, with a wife not only sumitting to her husband, but armored against destructive forces form the outside with the full armor of God and a flashing sword like a warring angel. There is nothing negative about this sumission(s) on any side.

In addition, we saw that the Hebrew word-picture (letters) for marriage contain God's Name and the words husband/man and wife/woman and when you remove the Name of God from the marriage, you are left with word pictures that mean 'fire" and "teeth." Some people think it's coincidence; I do not.

Thank you for comments that resonate with me.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

@Marisa -- I have spent over an hour contemplating your comments, putting them in a certain order, and then picking them back up again as I formulate my responsive thoughts. You've challenged me in a really big way, and to me, that involves four steps in order to engage in a decent/reasonable discussion.

The first is that I need to acknowledge your statements, feelings, and my agreement or disagreement of what you've said. I'll do that now :D

Sitting down during the time of the morning I usually take for prayer and meditation, I gave a lot of thought to what you said regarding "definitions of submission" and what I found interesting is that I understand precisely where you're coming from. Certainly, there are women who would call your position "subservience" rather than "submission" but I'm one of those women who sits on the fence. I don't know that our definitions are really all that different, ultimately: rather it is the implementation of our definitions that may look different. As I am wont to say "your mileage may vary" (YMMV).

The second thing I wanted to do (though not entirely necessary) is to engage the subject a bit further with you, because I think it's interesting.

I have noticed that in HoH style relationships that I get "weird looks" if you will. My friends in this "lifestyle" look at me and understand that I'm struggling. Because I talk to them, rather than, effectively "at" them (by creating a hub) and we communicate in a way that is different than back and forth replies, they know that I'm trying to reach a deeper place than where I am right now. They also know more of my background than I feel is appropriate for Hubpages (i.e. Google might not approve of it, if that makes sense). My friends know the difference between what I *want* and what I *have* because it's much easier to have an open dialogue with someone you know is coming at you from a point of understanding rather than a point of contention.

I am not "surrendered" to my husband (a word I might define in the way you define "submissive"). I look at the root of "submissive" as "to submit." This means that if my husband gives an instruction, I am 90% of the time obedient (though not perfect ;) ). If he has a preference, I am more than willing to surrender to his preference. He has the right to order food for me at a restaurant, and I in fact usually ask him what I'm getting. He usually asks me in return what I want ;)

Then comes the "defending my position" part of the reply.

I have said this so many times in so many different venues: I submit to what HE wants. If he wants me to make a decision, then I am submitting by being the one to make that decision. If he wishes to put me before himself (as the Bible says he should do), then that is his right as well (and should be).

He has argued, on more than one occasion, that he would lead more if I followed more. The trouble is that in order to follow one must truly be led. I am honestly not sure what he's looking for, and when asked he becomes frustrated and says that neither does he. He wants to be the head of his household, but I am not sure he quite understands how. He grew up with a single (aggressive sisters who were manipulative and often unkind. He's been under the heel of women for most of his life. His second wife used "submission" to mask manipulation (as I feel is often the case). These things can truly rock a man's confidence to the core. We're working, together, to create the household that we want for our family -- on that is balanced and peaceful. I believe that it will come, but that it's going to take time and healing on both sides. He's been hurt, and I think that (as you said on another one of my hubs) it takes time to heal from those wounds.

@countrywomen -- During the time that my husband and I were, I suppose you could say, "courting," I was a Goddess-worshipping pagan. I'm not sure exactly how much you know about the modern pagan practice, so forgive me for re-iterating that these cultures are very female-dominated. I was very comfortable with a female deity because I was *un*comfortable with paternal headship.

The odd thing is that I continually sought out paternal headship. I've been in several relationships with men significantly older than myself (including my first husband -- 13 years!) and have continually sought to submit. My father could be aggressive and he could be mean, but "dominant" isn't the word I'd use to describe him.

Perhaps, in some ways, I have sought to heal my past. I can't honestly say for sure. What I can say is that this is something powerful that has been with me even when I lived in a "female dominated society" of sorts.

I hope it isn't inappropriate to add that part of it is... Well, the erotic aspects of male dominance and strength that do it for me? ;)

@Patty Inglish, MS -- I am pondering re-writing the entire hub. I came at this from an emotional point of view and am surprised it doesn't show more than it does (those with whom I've discussed the hub itself say it doesn't). I sought to explain ME, not US, and I think that several people have called me on the carpet about this. I think it would be wise to re-write and expand.

Since you brought up translations, I think it would also be interesting to get the original translations of the words for "submit" and "obey" as that is a very interesting point.

I wish to add, in general, that my own, perhaps inept, attempt at pointing out that the Bible gives men responsibility in leadership is the fact that I pointed out I'd rather be a woman who didn't have a man's responsibilities. I might not have succeeded, but I tried lol

Thank you all for the comments! You've given me great ways to improve this hub!


Ransomed profile image

Ransomed 7 years ago

Very good hub, and well written. The role of a wife is so often overlooked in our culture. Thank you for sharing the Biblical context, because her job is crucial to the health of a strong family. As it is with all of God's commands, I have to ask, if God designed womanhood and marriage, doesn't it make sense that he knows how it works best?


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

EM- I was stating things from my personal observations based on my limited experiences in life so far (in my last 26 years of existence).

I have seen many marriages where oaths are taken in front of God/Priests of "till death do us apart and together in sickness/health" but those marriages are just as likely to fail as those which were performed in a secular fashion. I personally feel for a marriage it takes two persons to work it out. And if God binds people along the way then that is great but if God is the only binding force then Good luck.

I also believe in Karma but in a way different from those who absolutely believe in God. My father believes if one does good things then God(for him Vishnu) would reward us with good results but I believe if we do the right things at the right time then we would get right results (good). And also he says 99% is in our hands and 1% is in God's hands but I prefer to attribute that 1% to Chance/Luck for success in life. So far touchwood I have never been in a situation where I felt that God was guiding me but I certainly feel blessed to have a wonderful family along with a wonderful husband now. I hope and wish for you also to be happy. Have a great day. And good luck with the hub challenge. :-)


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

countrywomen, I'm so far behind in the challenge! LOL! I wrote a LONG hub earlier only to delete it because I discovered it didn't make sense. LOL!

I believe that the key component to making a marriage last is simply dedication :)


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America

I like the comment about not having to accept the man's repsonsibility.

The verse translated as "Let them (women) be quiet in church", our pastor and our church's college's Bible language professors told us was is "Don't make them talk if they don't want to" in the original text. (It was the men's responsibility in that instance.)

The other class I was in was in another state, but I will be receiving some more books from them soon. I will email them and ask about Obey and Submit more thoroughly.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Thanks Patty!


Marisa Wright profile image

Marisa Wright 7 years ago from Sydney

Thanks for the detailed reply.  Maybe it would be a good idea to revisit the Hub, because I got a different picture from it and some of your other comments, than I got from your reply.  For instance, you mentioned somewhere that you discuss things together before reaching a decision - now do I understand you'd be happy for him to decide, but you end up discussing it because he isn't comfortable with deciding alone?

I know your decision to be submissive is religious, but it concerns me a little that your husband sounds uncomfortable your interpretation of submissiveness.  In your first marriage, you adopted a mode of behaviour that didn't match what your husband wanted.  Be careful that you're not doing the same in this marriage. 

For instance, you say he always asks for your opinion (what do you want to eat, what's your view on x) before making his decisions.  It sounds as though making decisions alone is a burden for him.  If you were truly submissive, your goal should be to make life easy for him, not to play a game of submission.  So you would always promptly and economically advise your preference, (followed by a statement like "but I defer to your decision"), instead of wasting his time with a display of submission, when you know you're going to be asked anyway.

Of course if the display of submission is part of an erotic game which your husband also enjoys, then who am I to suggest any changes to it :)

I may be completely wide of the mark here, and I apologise if so. I can see that this topic is something you're still wrestling with yourself, so I thought it would be worth mentioning my "gut feel" of what I think I'm reading between the lines.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 7 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Marisa,

It's actually something I learned not that long ago that it's easier and better for both of us if I just make decisions as they need to be made. Without going into too much depth, his attitude is that he doesn't want to lead until I'm following -- doesn't work that way, unfortunately.

I honestly think he's just getting more comfortable in his skin. I know that this is what he wants because we met based on a mutual interest in domination/submission and/or HoH relationships. We would never have been in the same place at the same time otherwise :)

I think that it's honestly a matter of finding your feet, you know?

You're right though, I do need to revisit the hub. Darned if it's not in the middle of the challenge (which is already overwhelming me) though. I'll get it in June I'm sure. In the meantime I'll have to hope that people read the comments lol


Bee Happy 7 years ago

Wow! I am a newbie here, and just beginning to try to read others hubs. I'm not sure how to find time to do the reading and the writing required. But, this is such an interesting hub. Thanks for giving us your viewpoint on such an important thing in life.

Having been a wife of one husband for over 45 years, I can say that our love and our marriage has only grown stronger as I have allowed myself to be in subjection to my husband. It hasn't always been easy, as I have had a tendency to be controlling.

A controlling woman makes it difficult for her husband to be the man God would have him be. That is, the spiritual leader in the home. The plan is perfect because it was made by the Perfect Planner.

God's ways are higher than man's ways. He gave us a free choice in everything, but if we use that choice to rebel against Him, then His perfect plan will not work as it was meant to work. And we will be the poorer because of the bad choice.

The first couple Adam and Eve, had problems when the woman went against God's will and then talked the man into doing the same. This caused them much trouble. God, in his wisdom, knew that it is best for the man to be the leader of the home and the spiritual leader of the family.

Someone said what if the husband is abusive? Abuse is illegal. No one has to be in subjection to abuse. An abused person should seek legal help and remove his/herself from the abuse until it is taken care of.

When the husband and wife both do their part to obey God and his plan, it is a beautiful thing. Ephesians 5:28-29 says "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies: he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church."

As the years have passed, I always knew subjection was best, but my controlling nature got in my way sometimes. Those times did not help my marriage in the long run I finally realized the wisdom in God's plan and my husband and I are much happier than we could have ever been if I had constantly struggled to get my way. He is reasonable and willing to listen to my side before coming to decisions. Once in a while I don't get my way. It isn't any big deal if I don't. He often sacrifices what he really wants so that I can have what he knows I want and I do the same for him.

For those wives who have husbands who are not what they shousd be, your shining example of what you should be can influence him, without a word. That is part of God's plan, also.


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 7 years ago from Chicago

I am exceedingly glad I discovered you today. You are a fine writer and the subject you addressed is easily misunderstood. You explicated it wonderfully. God will bless you for your faithful service.


Submissive too 7 years ago

Here is a very interesting married Christian couple.

www.godsgifttohim.wordpress.com


izettl profile image

izettl 7 years ago from The Great Northwest

I had the opposite experience as you. My mother was a stay-at-home submissive christian wife and after 18 years of marriage she got dumped- without a job, without a husband (my father cheated on her), and without a personal identity. The submissive thing didn't work for my mom even with God in our home. 

You are right- not everyone will agree with you- I don't for sure. I went the other way of submission after viewing my home life as a child.

Until 1 year ago I was career woman and now I stay home with my young daughter, but now that staying home is my "job", I believe I know more about it than my husband. If he wants to make decisions that he is more knowledgeable about, then that's fine with me. But the home life and our child is my expertise right now- not his. I think that is better for the family.

Also, I would quit my job if my boss wasn't more knowledgeable in the field than I am- I've had that happen and I've quit because I won't follow someone who doesn't know more than I do about the field or area of expertise. So you say your husband is like the "boss" of the family but I bet you know more than him concerning your household and  family life. So letting him think he is the boss is kinda manipulation.

i commend you for writing on this subject and I enjoyed your writing.


Kebennett1 profile image

Kebennett1 7 years ago from San Bernardino County, California

Bravo! It is nice to see that someone else sees the true value of being a submissive wife! And as a Christian Woman who is married to a Christian man I never worry about being treated less than...or unfairly or badly in anyway. As God meant it to be, just as I respect my husband, he respects me. He does not abuse his authority over me. He takes care of me, actually he spoils me :). We still discuss things but he always has the final say and I respect that. I have no problem with it because he makes decisions that are good and healthy for our family. Being a submissive wife is not a bad thing at all, I don't know why people think it is? I can still have an opinion, do things I like to do, have things I like to have etc, but I respect my husbands authority over our household and if he says it is not a good idea right now, then there is a good reason for it! I love his guidance, it shows me how much he cares about me and our family. And how much he loves God.


thevoice profile image

thevoice 7 years ago from carthage ill

great hub remember a couple truths you are love equallty by God because God made all people unique. It took great courage yet God gave birth to women as well as men God will not love you any less because you are first foremost a human child of God Jesus the holy spirit by human holy birth glad I read I wish you happiness mike


broussardleslie profile image

broussardleslie 7 years ago

EM,

You have an awesome hub here! Words cannot express my appreciation for your thoughtful expression of how I have felt for years.

I, too, am not at all interested in the tactics by many women today to back-handedly manipulate their men. I find it deplorable, honestly.

I find my home to be a haven of peace, joy and love every time I choose to submit to God's Will.

Thank you for your post. God bless you!

Leslie


anony 7 years ago

EM

"He has the right to order food for me at a restaurant, and I in fact usually ask him what I'm getting. He usually asks me in return what I want ;)" Sounds like game playing to me. (Although I usually order first at a restaurant, and he almost always orders the same.)

My husband and I are both not religious, so Christian male dominance is not relevant to us. We have been married 24 years (one child) and love each other dearly. He is my best friend, and I am his. Neither one of us is in charge and we make decisions together, even though he is very aggressive and a "take charge" kind of guy, both profesionally and personally. My husband has said he would not like to have a "submissive" wife. He wants someone who says what she thinks, even if it conflicts with his opinion. I don't think he could stand a typical submissive wife who wants him to make all the decisions. And he doesn't need, or want to, to have the final say on everything. So despite what some would like to believe, there are many thriving marriages where the wife is not submissive. Not that your marriage situation is not right for you, it just isn't the answer for everyone.


bspark profile image

bspark 6 years ago from Seattle, WA

Wow, very informative, thorough, and insightful. I, too, believe in submission. I am the epitome of 21st Century lifestyle (being gungho about strong, independent woman), but I also believe our husbands are the head of the house. As strong as any woman can be, they should support and encourage their husbands in every way. It is his God-given role to be the man of the home and family. Keep your faith strong and keep writing out your convictions! More power to you.


segesege 6 years ago

Everyday Miracle, i must confess that it gladdens my heart to read this your blog. May you continue to grow in the grace of our Lord Jesus. My little concern is that you feel too apologetic for this truth you are holding on to. I dont think this should be the case. What you believe is the truth and the way of the Lord.

You dont have to feel sorry or soft about it. If women are proud about being porn stars, why should you not be bold to say that you are living according to the word of God.

Moreover, the life of love and submission that Bible talks about is not for everyone but only for those who have Christ living in their hearts. It's for Christian marriage. Anyone who truly knows the Lord would love His word. Jesus says if you love me you will keep my Words. It's not optional for Christians and we are happy and proud to follow the way of the Lord. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. God bless you, everyday Miracles.


Mike Lickteig profile image

Mike Lickteig 6 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

EM, there is so much to absorb and think about in this hub and in the responses of the many folks who read it. For those who disagreed with your perspective, their comments still seemed caring and I hope you were able to see through the differences in opinion and note how much even the folks who disagreed wanted to be helpful and/or supportive. You did indeed bare your soul here, and most responses here, whether in agreement with your point of view or not, seemed offered in the spirit of wanting to encourage you.

We are what we are, and the comments of others will not change you. Nor should they sway you, it is your life and your opinions and perspectives are well considered. If your statements were rash and impulsive, it might be different.

It will be interesting to see where life's journey takes you next. I hope you continue to share with us to the extent you are comfortable, and thank you for your post.


Holy Hunter 6 years ago from Alberta, Canada

wow in my marriage, it's all 50-50. we both clean and do the dishes, i worked for 3 years and now I am home with the kids and she is working.


Hi-Jinks profile image

Hi-Jinks 6 years ago from Wisconsin

You need to get out more. In the Bible, women have No rights. You are a slave, first, second, and lastly. Life is too short to be someone's footstool.

The Bible was written by men with too much time on their hands, and you know what idle hands do?


Michelle  6 years ago

I was married for 12 years and have a 14 year old son from that marriage.. unfortunately, it didn't work and we are now divorced and I am preparing to get remarried in 5 months. In my first marriage I was the only one that worked, my husband was in and out of jail and I was the one that did everything, I was "the man" I wore the pants and I knew it, at times this affected our marriage negatively as sub consciously, I felt resentful that the burden fell on me, I was a young mother, stressed out not only with bills but my situation in general. In the end my ex told me that I immasculated him with my behavior, that being said, my new husband to be is COMPLETELY different. He works, contributes to the household not only financially but he really does put in the work, the hard work, the cleaning, the cooking, washing of clothes, he is truly my partner in all respects, however he is hard, and in every sense of the word considers himself "the man" of the house, it took some time for me to adjust to this as all my adult life I rejected being "told what to do" etc. this created and still from time to time creates arguments, but I have learned over the last two years that to respect your husband's wishes is important, you can't always be the independent, bossy woman you think you should be, that sometimes its ok to let HIM make some decisions, it's ok to respect his wishes despite of what ppl might think of you, I feel safer now than I ever did with my ex, when I was in control. I just find that others (girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc.) think that maybe you are being pushed around or told what to do, and it then reflects negatively on him as a man? how is that if im choosing this lifestyle? We are all christian women? but yet it's still not accepted?


indignant 6 years ago

it is because of people like you that is propagating the inequality of women around the world. Why should women be the one to submit? They say women and men are equal, regardless of whom submits to whom. well why dont make men submit to women for a change and see whether they have a problem with it....im sure they would....submissive women are lazy sloths who sit back in submission and let their man take charge just because they are too lazy to take responsibility for themselves and their lives ! honestly, what's wrong with having to work if ur a woman???? ur still feeding urself..i know this is ur post and ur entitled to make your own choices and judgement whatever, but u must be retarded if you do not expect to get slammed when making an article that PROPAGATES INEQUALITY OF WOMEN....i shall keep my comments to myself when YOU KEEP YOUR SUBMISSIVE OPINIONS TO YOURSELF.


Justin 6 years ago

Most of you are ready to attack this woman and leave sarcastic remarks.

She believes in the scripture as it is written.

Guess what?

SHE HAS A MARRIAGE THAT WORKS!

DO YOU?

Some of you were "the man" in the relationship, some of you were both, some of you are STILL hard headed and do not pay attention like the women who wrote this. You have to work on YOURSELF FIRST. YOU have to work on yourself first.

How do you do that you submit to God.

I am a Man. Do you hear me?

I am a Man. I am pleased to hear that Women are working on being submissive. This gives men more incentive to be submissive to God to be better leaders.


Everyday Miracles profile image

Everyday Miracles 6 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Thank you Justin. God's way is the *only* way. Being a stay at home mother is hardly a lazy path. It's a lot of work taking care of my child, keeping the house, and doing everything I can to earn money from home. I hardly think that makes me lazy.

It takes an incredible strength of character to be a submissive woman, and an incredible strength of character for a man to step up to the plate and be the spiritual leader of the household.

I know where my spot in heaven is. I wonder if those who oppose my viewpoints do, as well? I'm equal to my husband in every way. I am a joint heir to the kingdom of God. I am a piece of Him who created me, the softer, more gentle side. I have my husband's umbrella of protection over me. And I love it, and so does he.

Those of you who have sought out this hub in order to ridicule me have a serious problem, in my eyes. It always amazes me how people will look to find these types of articles so that they can spread their feminist propaganda.

Oh, well. Nothing I can do about it. It is just so obvious to me who the bitter ones are in this argument. I'm not calling anyone "retarded."


alphonsians93 profile image

alphonsians93 6 years ago from Cebu Philippines

WOW!! If it is for the best of the relationship! There is nothing to worry about!!

Superb work of art!!! This is a very interesting topic!!! lots of learning and good insights!!!!

http://www.worldwar42.blogspot.com/


breakingnews profile image

breakingnews 6 years ago from Pakistan

This is a fascinating hub, and thanks for presenting it so well.


American Tiger 5 years ago

What an exceptionally beautiful Hub, dear lady. My only regret is that I've just now stumbled onto it.

It is a sad commentary that you had to apologize for writing it, several times during its writing.

I hub on Masculine Dominance (I'm hardly qualified to discuss feminine submission, much as I love it) and I've discovered the biggest obstacle in people's minds is their misconception about the very concept.

Dominant men are NOT abusive. Weak little boys wanting to appear dominant (I call it being domineering) and doing it completely wrong, are the abusers.

I myself am stronger than my children and their mother. I feel NO NEED WHATSOEVER to "prove" to them, what is patently obvious. Non-dominant little weasels might get that urge, but genuinely Dominant men never do.

Why is that such a hard concept for some people to grasp?


dawnM profile image

dawnM 5 years ago from Camarillo, CA

Hi, just had to read and comment since I wrote the counter hub on dominant males and got bashed by others. I get what you are saying and I to had a strong mother figure, but my dad was also strong too, so it was interesting. In my home it started off with me being a typical controling wife, but once we had kids and I quit my job, I began to appericate my husband and the fact that he worked so hard to make it possible for me to stay home and raise the kids, so I say hats off to all the men who work their butts off to support their family. the women that are smart will make their man feel like a man and that man will slay dragons for her.

Great job explaining your point.


banzaradiwana profile image

banzaradiwana 5 years ago from Calcutta,INDIA

hi EM just read your hub.felt that your thoughts were steeped in some divine spirituality...take care & have a nice day :)


adod 5 years ago

I realize everyone has their own interpretation of what submission is...I don't see how but we should not be forming our own ideas on what submission is because it is stated in the bible clear as day.. Having said that, it's not a choice God is giving us, it's his will and when people stop putting their own beliefs and taking bits and pieces from the bible to justify their disobedience I think marriages will be better off. Use the text and not your own opinion, because if it were your choice he would of stated that. Not knowing is one thing but knowing your role as a wife and still putting "my choice" contradicts this. We have the choice to be obedient & we have the choice to not live our lives in Gods ways and on judgment day we will have to deal with that. There is no room for interpretations because it creates too much confusion. Live your life by the text rather than your own opinions.


mercurialmaven profile image

mercurialmaven 5 years ago from Reston, VA

Even though I am not Christian, I did appreciate this article. I too have chosen the path of submission when it comes to my relationship with my fiancée and while things aren't always roses, we have the kind of harmony and synergy many of my friends think is just a "honey moon phase."

Some thing submission is difficult and in some aspects it is, especially when you grow up surrounded by messages that tell you not to submit. Submission has given me the ability to truly nurture him and myself in a way that "equality" (I catch what you mean when you use the term) never did.

Once again, fantastic article! Thank you for sharing!


Denise Handlon profile image

Denise Handlon 5 years ago from North Carolina

Interesting hub. My first husband cheated on me. Should I have been submissive and turned the other cheek? If he had been a leader in his home, a righteous man, I may have submitted. I did, for six years and two children. His continuous disregard and disrespect forced me into a choice for a divorce in hopes to be an example to my daughters that, as women, they did not have to be devalued and disrespected. I submit now...to my God and my Truth. It works for me in the most delightful, joy filled life I could have never imagined for myself. Do I submit to a man in a relationship? Not automatically, not necessarily, and definitately, not unless Truth guides me to do so. It's been a life of learning and a school of hard knocks for me to understand the true relationship I have, will always have, and love having, which is the one I have with God.

Glad to read that submission works for you.


Strong Man 5 years ago

Very well put. Enjoyed the videos and the resources as well.

A woman's respect for her husband allows him to be strong.


Submissive wife 5 years ago

As a submissive wife, your words represent how we all feel about our place in our household. We become submissive wives to our husbands, not out of fear or weakness but out of love. Being submissive is much more than being a weak woman, we bring to our household the blissfulness and love that arguments, and fights would take away from our relationship.


curious 5 years ago

I have a question about your perception of submission.

I love the peaceful picture you paint of a happy home, I really do. And for most women it would be very easy to be ‘submissive’ if that got them what they wanted. But being submissive means doing what you are told. Would you still be happy if he announce you were all moving to Siberia, to write the book he always wanted to write and you have to work there full time to support his passion? I am not being sarcastic, and I am not assuming that you would not. But you didn’t mention anything in your article about the challenges of being submissive when submitting to laws you do not like?

Or would you only be submissive to a husband who submitted you to doing things you like?

Seriously curious.


Trey in Texas 5 years ago

A warning, I am sure you know that the term submissive has been adopted by a very different group of people.. D/s If possible please make your title clear that what you are speaking of is far form what they preach.

As to Biblical submission.. All Christians submit to God but this does not mean we no longer make decisions. Christ did not teach of a fatalistic faith but one of both Reason and Love.

That you follow, and let another lead is a choice, but as a Christian there are places you can not follow so even as a follower you still make the ultimate decision each time you have to decide.. follow a person or follow God though Christ.

A husband is to love his wife even as Christ loved the Church to which he submitted himself to die on the cross to save. A husband must submit to his Wife in the same manner to be for her and with her to do only good and to forgive all in love.

I wish you the best, and hope you live a good and happy life.


RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler 5 years ago from Illinois

I simply wonder what "peace" can be achieved in a marriage by giving one spouse free range to attack, intimidate, and bully everyone else in the household, who will only tearfully accept? And when we talk about equality, what we mean is equally sharing in decision making. Don't you think you deserve more, do you feel like you're listened to when you choose to voice an opinion when an important decision is being made, or do you let him and society silence you and talk down to you like a child? Does your choice to be submissive mean that you would tolerate mistreatment? That is not equality in any sense of the word. I think you've just fallen for a lot of propaganda about Christian womanhood that has no bearing on reality and doesn't make sense. I hope your marriage succeeds and that your life is harmonious and I think if you want to be submissive that's a valid choice, but I think you might be a little delusional in thinking that submissiveness automatically leads to peace and happiness.


chan 5 years ago

YOU ARE A BLESSING!


Jj 5 years ago

Wow to some of u who put her down or misunderstood her point and its her life shes not askin u to live it. From my point of viwe I dont agrea full heartly but the womens roll is in the home. To be there for her husben and kids


Wayne Sanelli 5 years ago

Great article and it does not mean that a good hear ted husband should not submit to his wife too. God told him he is the head and not the tail. It does not mean woman is less. God assigned roles. And we work together in the marriage. If a woman is not submitting and being fair God will hold that against her. When you disobey God don't complain and blame him when things go bad for everyone.Lots of times she does not take the blame. She does not like to own it. And I am sure there are amazing woman out there that have such blessed marriage because they believe in God. The problem is some don't really in their hearts/hearts/soul really believe it comes from God. So the blessings never come in the way it might have. Love each other/forgive each other/pray together/stay together and try and be like GOD! Try and listen/ask for guidance and treat each other with respect. It you curse him under your breath that is demonic. God knows about that! And don't insult her either and treat her like she is the Queen. If she yells run. He He.. Kidding. Love Unconditioned Love would be a blessings in some regard. Bless you Folks and come hear some nice tunes. Wayne Sanelli


Wayne 4 years ago

Very powerful article. My new wife has chosen a path of submission to me also. As we dated it became more and more apparent she that she was growing more comfortable with the idea. I came from a previous marriage that was more "standard" it was a quite a shock to me. This was totally her idea and I now support her decision. I feel an awesome responsibility on my shoulders, but one that I know that I can handle for us. What I see as an absolute requirement is that both partners truly love and respect each other. The basis of being completely committed and caring is hugely important. This is not a simple repeat of a "1950's" marriage. She knows everything that is going on in our marriage. For instance I show her every bank statement, volunteer any text or email I receive. My phone stays out where she can easily see it, she knows my passwords to email accounts. I want her complete trust and hide nothing, except what she is getting for Christmas of course. LOL.

Thanks for the great article again.


Faith 1oo% 4 years ago

I really want to obey Gods word to be a submissive wife but find it hard to do sometimes pray for me that i can get it and do you might know ways that you did that might can help me.


Sundulous 4 years ago

I really admire your courage to stand on God's Word. My wife doesn't quite have this concept as of yet. She, too, has been married before & wasn't submissive then, either. Her first husband wasn't saved, either, but it really didn't excuse the adultery (although, I can understand as a man how he felt from the constant rebellion). I am saved & my wife knows that I have the best interests of her & the family (she had a daughter & we have one together), but she still has a problem with submitting to me. I have given her NO REASON to think that I would ever cheat on her (as I promised her daughter before we had gotten married not to cheat on her & made the promise to God before men to love, honor & cherish her for all of my days). All this has done is gotten her comfortable to the point that she doesn't even try to improve herself for our marriage. I even asked her "What do you think you could do to improve yourself as it relates to our marriage?" Her answer; "I don't think I need to improve; I don't worry about you, because you can take care of yourself; it's the kids that need me." I told her that if I had answered that question as such, she would be offended, but as much as I try to be a man after God's heart, devoted husband & father, I still try to improve myself daily for her. Her lack of submission has confused the oldest daughter to the point of her not respecting authority & now she's pregnant. With all of this, I still love her & maintain my vows, but it's awesome to see that there are some women that actually want to follow God's Word. It gives me hope that one day, things will change. Excellent blog.


Wayne 4 years ago

Sundulous - I'd recommend you focus on what you need to do as a man of the household regardless of whether she accepts a submissive role. I don't think the most important thing to God is that women accept this role but that you to the best of your abilities lead the family in an unselfish Christian manner.


Linvinzin 4 years ago

I enjoyed reading this. My home has been in chaos for years and I need to make a change. This has been my first article on researching this. I will be following your example.....


Joyce 4 years ago

I found your article very interesting and I am very glad that you are happy in your lifestyle. Although,if your husband lost his job and no longer wanted to be the primary breadwinner, would you take on that role and still be submissive?


DG 4 years ago

God bless you sister. You should start a womens conference..


Lovingwife 4 years ago

I thought this article was very well written. I think you made a good point about this being your "choice." As a choice, women should feel free to pursue it. However, many men are not like your spouse and will abuse this role. Therefore, some women do not have the freedom nor the safety to make a choice like this. Most cases of domestic violence are by men who beleive ti is their right to treat their wives as objects or as property due to verses they quote from relgious texts. I work in a Domestic Abuse Clinic and this is almost always the case. This is where relgious views like this concerns me. Men use scripture to subjugate and dominate women or to keep them from pursuing anything that does not serve their own agenda.

Another point that I think is well worth pursuing is that some women do not have men who are financial providers and thereby they have to do more than just the household and childrearing duties. They have full time jobs along with the rest. Just because a man claims to espouse being a religious person does not mean that he is a good man and a good provider who has the compassion, knowledge and leadership skills to be effective in a dominant role. Also, just because a person is a certain gender does not mean that they are going to be a logical and strong leader or a maternal and tender submissive.

Thank you for a great article. I thought you were brave to write aobut this subject and I am so glad you are finding happiness and contentment in your own life. I respect you for your beliefs. After all, life is about making the right choices for us to have productive and healthy lives. That is why my husband and I play to our strengths in our relationship and are equal partners. However, I understand that this does not work for every couple.


Brown Pride 4 years ago

Lol. Reading a 19th century idea through a 21st century innovation. Irony.


Rich 4 years ago

Thank you for the article. It's far more important than what you even discussed. Very sadly, I have only seen one or two women (actually one) who had a good concept of this and put it into practice. We served on a school board together, so she was no push over. We argued often because we had different views of some topics. I asked her if she argued with her husband like that. She said "no, I am glad to submit to him." Now, here's a woman that could really take charge in her house, She was very capable, but she recognized how the structure in her house was transformed because of her CHOICE to submit. She said that she gave input on decisions but when the final word came down, he ultimately made that decision, gave the home spiritual, financial and social direction. She knew that if he made mistakes, HE was responsible for fixing them and was answerable to God.

There was such an attractiveness apparent in her that I was captivated by her. If we both were not already married, I would have proposed. (That's nonsense, but it shows how strong that spiritual attraction was) There was not a hint of physical attraction.

Women, I am an employer, I fight with employees who want to do it there way. Once in a while, I get one who is submitted and has a good "attitude" It is such a blessing and makes things work so much better. I can sleep at night.

Your husband needs this, but you need it much more. You will find so much freedom and fulfillment in actually obeying God's word and becoming beautiful in attitude through voluntary submission. You will find a freedom you never thought possible. AND you will have a husband who is sooo blessed.

Rich


BethanyLander 4 years ago

Hey Everyday Miracles! I just finished reading this hub and I amazed that you can do this and not be unhappy. But it's your life and kudos to you for choosing to do this. I rated up. Is there a way I can follow you, like there is on Twitter?


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Everyday Miracles 4 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Yes, Bethany. Go to my profile and at the top (in the middle) there's a green button that says "follow." Click on that, and it will add me to your news feed on the homepage :)


Sundulous 4 years ago

Wayne 2 months ago

Sundulous - I'd recommend you focus on what you need to do as a man of the household regardless of whether she accepts a submissive role. I don't think the most important thing to God is that women accept this role but that you to the best of your abilities lead the family in an unselfish Christian manner.

_________________________________________________________

I'm not giving you a smart reply, but I've stated that I maintain the selfless manner of a Christian (with Jesus Christ as the standard) & she uses that to her advantage to not improve herself as a loving wife & while I don't agree with the approach that she has taken, it has not changed the fact that I take my vows to God very serious. Also, it doesn't change what God said that I am, regardless of any one individual and/or all that reside under my roof acknowledge this now or ever. Even with what has been given to me, I've strived for perfection DAILY.


Sue 4 years ago

Do you ever miss your freedom? I know you have given it away volntarily, but don't you miss it? Do you take advantage of yoursecular rights? I realize you must enjoy having no say in your own life, but does the husband/master give you some small amount of rights and privleges? How you you have any ability to change the direction of your household if you have absolutely no say in what goes on in it? I'm interested in what a sub wife has to say on the subject. To me, the idea of giving up all your rights and freedom is a drastic decision ( and likely the last decision you will ever make), and I just wondered what the motivation is. Do you enjoy not having to make decisions? I think it would be like going back to childhood-you may not have any rights, but no responsibility (except obeying the husband, parent, master). Do you celebrte Independence Day? Since youhave given up all freedom, I would think not, since itis a freedom holiday. Thanks.


Tom 4 years ago

Why did you use a Taoist symbol for what you believe, in a posting about being Christian? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin_and_yang


Sundulous 4 years ago

@Sue

Do you realize that restriction is the true price of freedom? While it is true that we celebrate Independence Day, we don't celebrate at the expense of someone losing their life (murder), so that's restriction, even though the country is free. Those types of twisted questions only tell me that you don't want to consider any one else's opinion, but want everyone else to hold yours to the highest value. The fact that this young lady CHOOSES to submit means that she has a choice not to submit, but she is willing to sacrifice personal selfishness if the family unit fully benefits. There is so much power in that. And, she HAS a voice in the family; submission only means that the final decision is on the husband & God will hold the man accountable that does otherwise. There has to be an order & the woman has to show the children how to submit to authority; otherwise, you're going to have dysfunction or divorce; there are no two ways around that. Read Proverbs 31:10-31 and see how this woman sacrifices for her family & how the MAN is called blessed because of HER commitment to put the family first. It is also the man's job to put his wife first (both are submitting/see Philippians 2:3). The husband is not to be a tyrant or slave driver; he is suppose to cherish her as his own flesh (notice how close that is). If you have to second guess the character you're marrying, then he might not be the one to submit yourself unto. But, if he proves himself worthy to lead & you still refuse, then it's you. If you look at the symbolism of a man proposing to his future bride, he is on his knee; that points to submission & him putting her needs & best interests before his own & she is submitting & trusting that he has her best interests at heart to glorify God. There are plenty of privilges in marriage that you'll NEVER have as a single female or mother. You just can't approach marriage w/ the attitude that you presently hold, because what you think will benefit YOU will really hurt the family UNIT. And, you might disregard this, because I am a man that has remained devoted to his wife DESPITE her personal selfishness, so I'm speaking from the so-called non-existent point of view....


Evelyn 4 years ago

I knew a couple once that were christian. I was talking to the husband about how I left christianity because of the verses on women. I, myself, believe in equality in marriage, but I recognize other people's right to live as they want. Anyway, I told him that in my opinion, the bible advocates a type of master/slave relationship. He said it is not that, but that the man is head of the relationship, and that his wife acceps him as her "head". I saw the wife a few days later, and asked how she felt having a "head". She looked at me funny, and said "what". I told her that her husband said that she accpted him as her "head". Well, a few days later I found out that she had left her "master". When I saw her next, she said that she was an adult woman, and did not need a master or "head". While I felt bad that I had unintentionally broken up this marriage, I know that their opinions did not coincide with each other's. He thought of her as a slave, and she thought of him as an equal. They were both "christians". The husband was very nice to his wife, but she could not believe the fact that he thought of himself as her master. The point of the story is to emphasize the fact that this should have been discussed prior to marriage. Many women don't like the thought of having a master or a "head". She is doing great-going on trips with friends and planning to retire. He, on the other hand, is very depressed over losing his wife. If they had discussed their expectations of each other, this marriage could have been avoided, and a lot of hurt also. I, personally, don't find a submissive/ headship marriage to be healthy, but if other's choose this type of marriage, it should be disclosed. Also, just because a person claims to be a christian, does not necessarily mean thatthey want a master/slave marriage. Thanks for letting me vent as I am still uncomfortable with my role in this break-up.


Sue 4 years ago

to Sudulous

god actually likes you. Only wants to make a slave of me. Anyone who wants to be a slave of their husband/head/master is free to do so, but I choose freedom over slavery any day. At 17, I was in church one day-I was forced to go by my parents even though I had already decided to reject christianity because of sexism. I was actually listening that day and the submissive verses were read. I was appalled-why would any woman EVER want to get married. I was 18-almost free-why would I ever want to give up my freedom? After tht moment, I developed a hatred and fear of men-after all, they wanted to dominate and be my "head"/master. It has been 30 years, and I still am so full of hatred-of men, and of myself. Although I rejected christianity, why can't I reject those horrible words? That moment 30 years ago ruined my life-it's my fault, I let it. I let those few words make my life miserable, sad, and unloving. I LET it destroy my life- I just can't get those horrible words out of my mind. What can I do to repair the life I have left. Whenever I started to like somebody, I would read those words n the bible, and run the other way. It is like my protection against domination. All I want to do is be happy, but because of those words I don't think i ever will be


Sundoulos 4 years ago

@Sue

I'm truly sorry that you had to go through that type of heresy in the church that you'd attended. I'll be the first to admit that those things take place in "churches" that we want to call the house of God. I can assure you that a TRUE man of God will submit to his wife also (putting her needs above his own). I'm not sure if you want to contact me or not, but I can be reached at jointheir71@gmail.com & if you have an account as well, we can talk by computer. And one more important thing that you need to understand is that God loves you as well. We are all servants/slaves under Him, but He is the Good Master & only wants what is best for us.


Sue 4 years ago

Sudulous,

Thanks for the nice words, but unfortunatly, I am damaged beyod repair. Those words completely ruined any chance I have at happiness, or anythig else good in life. Actually, all the priest did was read out of the bible. He did not go on to elaborate or anything. Now, partially because of those words, I am just waiting to die. I know this is absurd to most people-after all, I've rejected christianity, why can't I reject the bad messages. I personally wuld never wanta master-slave type marriage, so I would never become a christian. But, I always wanted to understand why the god of the bible seemed to hate me so much. I guess my answer is to find a new version of God, one that seems to really love me, and not want me to become a slave. I realy don't feel that the christian god loves me. I appreciate your comment, and I wish you all the best. If you pray for me, please pray that I will die soon, as I have tried, but my prayers were not answered. Thanks.


Sundoulos 4 years ago

@ Sue

First off, NO ONE is damaged beyond repair; if you were, then God wouldn't be God; He would be below you. You sound more of broken heart & contrite spirit, but according to Psalm 51:17, those aren't things that God despises. I won't EVER pray that you die soon, unless you are in the ark of safety; there's no coming back from that side of eternity & I don't wish that on anyone. When we think of words like slave, submission, master & such the like, we tend to think of the perverted human versions of these words, but God is the Good Master. If you're in a covenant relationship in its purest & truest form, it's never one-sided. The husband will esteem you greater & you will do the exact same thing for him, all for the Glory of God. NO ONE wants a master-slave relationship from a human being's perspective; we are just too unforgiving & this flesh won't ever be satisfied & that is why it has to be crucified daily & put under subjection. You don't need a new version of God; you just need to accept the TRUE version of God; Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent & more than all, LOVING (God is LOVE). He loved us enough to send His only begotten Son (John 3:16) & loves us, even when we were enemies to Him. Jesus submitted Himself to the Father (and He is just as much God as the Father is); it was true submission & Agape love, because He died KNOWING that He would STILL be rejected by some, but deferred to the will of the Father. He showed how to submit to Him & your husband; as a matter of fact, submitting to your husband IS submission to God, because He instituted that. Though he were a Son, he learned obedience by what he suffered (Hebrews 5:8). He loves YOU so much, that He did that for YOU. God doesn't hate you; God hates sin, disobedience & lies. I KNOW that if you grasp this concept, you would be a virtuous woman, on fire for the Lord & used as a vessel to help those where you are currently come to understand the true meaning of submission. You still have my e-mail address; feel free to use it at anytime. I will be willing to correspond and/or talk at any time. I will keep you in my prayers...


Samantha1972 4 years ago

Hello, I am new at trying to be a submissive wife. First I want to say thank you. My preacher printed this story for me as kinda home work. lol. I have only been trying this for four months now. However I have seen a great improvement in my home. There is less fighting and more enjoyment. Unlike you I have to work so I don't get all the benefits that go with being a submissive wife. It's not easy.. Being told I had to be submissive......I was raised to be in control. But once I stopped fighting it and tried it, I'm starting to understand. It's God plan not mine that matters. If you have any advice to give or ways to keep me from messing this up all the time. please let me know.


Liberated and Loving It 3 years ago

My husband and I work together as a team. We treat each other the way we'd like to be treated. Nobody demands that they do this or that. We love each other with all our hearts. We give each other the FREEDOM we deserve. It's great to be FREE! You do it because you want to do it. If you see men who boss women around, run for your lives because in no way would this be treating people the way you'd like to be treated.


Liberated 3 years ago

One more think I forgot to mention in my previous post. I asked my husband a few weeks ago, "if he had more respect for a woman who was dependent upon her husband on a financial level and also on a level where he controlled her actions as well, or if he had more respect for a wife who was financially independent in addition to treating her husband the way she'd like to be treated." He told me this: He had more respect for a woman who was financially independent because she was smart and intelligent enough to make her way through life without requiring the help of others. She is capable of making her own decisions and he told me he just has more respect for a woman like that. He knows he's married to a woman who is with him because she wants to be with him, not because she is financially dependent on him. When you become dependent on others financially, you lose your freedom. You can't make decisions for yourself. Someone does it for you. In essence they control you. Who wants to be controlled like that?

But if that person doesn't control you and doesn't need your money, it's a great feeling to know you're loved because of who you are, not for what you provide. He has more respect for a woman who is intelligent enough to make her own decisions and for the financially independent women out there. Not all men are like that. Some men need to control their woman. Some women want to be controlled.

My husband told me he respected a sharp, intelligent woman who is financially independent and who can make decisions on his own and who can stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. Basically, all the traits of a leader. Some men like that. It doesn't mean that they want a controlling wife either. They just want a strong, sharp, intelligent, financially independent woman to share their lives with. That makes sense to me because I want the same from my husband so it works perfectly for us.


Passerby 3 years ago

The whole head/master/slave/sub thing does not work for me. I think my sex organs shouldn't dictate how I should be treated. I'm a smart intelligent woman and would like to be respected for my input into any relationship be it business or relationships. But I do understand why, in certain marriages, the submissive thing for women works. I think EM has brilliantly expressed what her choice is and I respect that. It doesn't mean that her choice will work for all women and it will be a shame if that meant that women in happy female-led relationships are doomed for hell because it doesn't fit with what's in the bible. I'm neither dominant nor submissive. And I dont see why I have to be in one group or the other. I just want to be treated fairly and with respect.


hht 3 years ago

Im simply jewish and i dont give a ratsass about this.


billys1 2 years ago from "Somewhere", USA

Dear Everyday Miracle,

What do you say to a person whose wife has left him because he committed a crime, no other reason just he made one time mistake because he had untreated depression and he committed a crime. No one was hurt and his entire professional, personal and econommic life havet all been trashed. Yet she refuses to forgive and forget and stand by her wedding vow of for better or for worse. What is worse is that if he were her and she him he would stand by her till death. Any advice here?


Annette 2 years ago

Let's hope Hubby does not order her to do anything illegal. imoral, or unethical. Where does blind obedience end.


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Everyday Miracles 2 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Obedience isn't blind, Annette. One can respect her husband and obey him without losing her ability to think for herself or make her opinions known. Safety should always come first.


billys1 2 years ago from "Somewhere", USA

Dear Everyday Miracle,

I read the quoted biblical phrase in another hub that branches from this one about 21st Century Husbands and Wives and I had the following thoughts. I would greatly appreciate your feedback. Please keep providing these inciteful, informative and educational and enjoyable hubs as they help keep inquiring minds like my own growing so we can be better men, Christians and husbands. Thank you!

"Husbands in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” I Peter 3:1-7"

"Submission in the biblical sense is not one sided. God tells the wife to be submissive but yet he charges the husband go be considerate and respectful. These are both qualities of submission."

Then is there such a thing as a submissive husband also? I mean this in the most respectful way possible. I allow my wife to lead and I do the following. Is it possible that I am being a submissive husband according to the will of God and I just don't know that I am doing His work in this way. I am not a wimp and she is not a domineering Lady at all. However, when I attempt to do the leading and expect my wife to follow me then there is discord in the family. Perhaps it is Gods will in some marriages that the woman is at the head of the household and the man is the homemaker. I am still her protector and we share in emotional portions of our marriage but is it possible Gods will for me and I have not begun to see it until I read this article? Is this possible? Please post a comment on these observations. Also, are there any HUBS discussing submissive husbands or husbands that do the nurturing in their home?


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Everyday Miracles 2 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

Husbands and wives are admonished to submit to one another as to the Lord. We have a responsibility to submit to *one another* and to respect one another's perspectives. This is something that often goes overlooked in a discussion of biblical marriage, and I'll happily admit that my views on the matter have changed considerably since the original hub was written several years ago.

The way that I see it, sometimes a wife's submission requires her to lead if that is her husband's preference. He is respecting her when he allows her to take the reins in areas where she is stronger than he is. We each have our strengths and weaknesses, and in the best marriages, both husband and wife realize that there are areas where their spouse is stronger and may be more suitable to make decisions.


billys1 2 years ago from "Somewhere", USA

Thank you for your reply and incite on this subject. As always I have learned something new from you. I never thought of things in quite this way but it is so plain and easy to see. I guess I just had to have it broken down and explained in simple terms. I always want to do the Lord's work no matter if I am leading or I am following. When I do try to lead in our marriage I end up being a little bossy and that is counter productive to any relationship, especially in an intimate relationship like a marriage. I want to help make my marriage stronger, not make problems between my wife and myself. Thanks again for the answer. If there is a web site that you can recommend to the husbands out here I am sure that I am not the only husband that could make good use of it. Thanks once more. May God bless you and please keep up your great work. Bill


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Everyday Miracles 2 years ago from Indiana, USA Author

I don't have any specific recommendations at this point, as I've stopped browsing the web for these subjects and rely more often on printed media for information relating to the subject of marriage. It's generally better research material.


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Kathleen Cochran 2 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

So much harm has come from the interpretations of this verse. I read once that one of the original Greek meanings for the word "head" was "tip of the spear" or "first into the fight." What wife wouldn't want her husband to be that for her? And if only more men were interested in being that in their marriages instead of the boss.

I'm fortunate to have a tip of the spear and not a boss. Blessings.


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Hendrika 2 years ago from Pretoria, South Africa

I get it where you are coming from and really admire you. Sometimes, though it is just not possible. In certain household the man simply do not want the responsibility like the one I grew up in. There were no problems in the marriage and my Mother was a real devout woman, but my father wanted to get on with his research and not be bothered with everyday things. He brought in the money and that is as much as he wanted to do.

In my personal marriage, I once again find myself in a position where my husband is so adamant that I am equal to him that he simply wants everything to be in my hands and even though I have tried he will not change and take over, he is nearly 70. I have to tell you though that he does not see well he was born with a deformed eyeball. We are both Christians.


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fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

EM.....First let me say that you are an extremely talented writer. This hub was easy and enjoyable to read...very flowing and fascinating....You are "awesome" in terms of being a writer!

I too believe in "choice," via free will. Forest Gump claims "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."........True, Forest, but allow me to say that the same applies to marriage.

Therefore...as I am reading your hub....ANY hub, I am also thinking to myself. You made this decision for a few reasons I see, one being you are a Christian. I imagine somewhere in this world there are non-Christian women who feel as you do...for their own reasons. Then of course, because I am a humorist at heart....I thought, "This sure as heck wouldn't work for any of the women I know......they're all married to morons! God forbid they hold the reins for the whole family!!" lol.........To each her/his own...that's my mantra.

I applaud your decision. As you said, it "works" for you and your marriage. Without a single doubt, this would never ever work for me.......not a chance. I would be so totally unhappy, I'd wither away and die. In fact, this is totally contrary to my personality and characteristics. To pull this off I'd have to be heavily DRUGGED 24/7. (please bear with my twisted sense of humor)

No, I am not a control freak...when it comes to others. BUT, I must be in control of me and my life, my choices, activities and decisions. This works for me. Apparently it has worked in my relationships/marriages, because there were never major difficulties due to my independence. I'm a widow now and live solo.

Bless you. I wish you many years of happiness and fulfillment. While life can be tough....as we grow in experience and wisdom, I believe that ultimately, we all wind up where we are the happiest!!....UP+++


Jayson Santos 2 years ago

Hi EM,

While I have read some points that I do not agree, there are lot of things that I agree in your post especially the wife being submissive.

But I would like to share my thoughts on this as it should be taken in context to what was written in the Bible.

--------------------

Start of excerpt:

You see, the law of having the man as the head of the woman in marriage… this is ONLY applicable if the man is being headed by Christ.

“But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” I Corinthians 11:3

Note the hierarchy in a God ordained relationship.

1. God the Father – 2. Christ – 3. Man – 4. Woman

So if your husband is a drunkard, he is not of Christ.

If your husband has hatred in his heart, he is not of Christ.

If your husband doesn’t love you just like his own body then Christ is not his head.

Therefore the woman should not (totally) submit herself to that man in the first place. But would still show meekness to influence and lead the husband to God.

In a christian marriage, the woman has no power over her body… it is the man who has power over it. The same with the man… the man has no power over his own body… it is the wife who has power over it. So if the wife wants to kiss the husband… the husband has no right say no, because he does not have power over his own body except the wife. And vice versa.

” The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” I Corinthians 7:4

We are talking about the spouse “body”. But when it comes to decisions and leading the marriage, it is the husband’s (whose head is Christ) responsibility to take the leadership role.

End of excerpt:

--------------------

If the woman takes the leadership role (no matter if the husband agrees with it or not) it will often lead to marital problems because that is not the design of the creator.

I would like to talk about the logic and psychology why being a submissive HUSBAND is detrimental for the marriage... but that would be too long for a comment.

I would love to hear more from you and other folks here as you have created a great article that is buzzing with good exchange of ideas. Till then.

Excerpt source: http://howtosavemymarriage101.com


Heather B 2 years ago

I just finished reading a brand new book I think you all would enjoy. It's called "The Wholehearted Wife: 10 Keys to a More Loving Relationship," by Erin, Greg and Gary Smalley. It is centered on changing ME and aligning myself with God and what he wants from me as a wife. Biblical, inspirational, affirming. One of my favorite quotes is, ""If you want to have a more loving relationship with your husband, remember that he's a gift from God, a treasured possession - just as you are. As a Wholehearted wife, seek to honor him each day by cherishing him and affirming his value. Treat him like a Stradivarius!" I highly recommend it!


billys1 2 years ago from "Somewhere", USA

"If you want to have a more loving relationship with your husband, remember that he's a gift from God, a treasured possession - just as you are. As a Wholehearted wife, seek to honor him each day by cherishing him and affirming his value. Treat him like a Stradivarius!"

WOW, Heather, what a positive and affirmative statement. If more wives treated their husbands this way AND MORE HUSBANDS TREATED THEIR WIVES THIS WAY, then I feel there would not be that awful thing called divorce. As an imperfect husband, I do try to appreciate my wive as a true gift from God. Life is to short to do otherwise. Both husbands and wives need to realize just how little time that we have together here on earth and to make this time the happiest possible for both of us. Marriage is constant and hard work. Two people come together from varring backgrounds have to learn the true art of compromise in order to make life for both of them not just acceptable but great. I am 67 mow and I am still learning new lessons in making a happy marriage every day. God bless you, I hope all couples buy this book and read it together.


Yonason Goldson profile image

Yonason Goldson 2 years ago

Popular culture assumes that whatever is more public/prominent/visible is more important. Common sense proves otherwise. A pretty car with a broken engine is pretty useless. A state of the art monitor with an outdated computer is dysfunctional. Most of history's most influential figures were advisers (and wives) who ruled from the shadows.

In Biblical Hebrew, the word "sod" (with a long "o") means both "secret" and "foundation." Everything depends upon the foundation -- literally -- and that which is most important is usually that which is most hidden.

The wife is the foundation of the home. As the author astutely points out, equal does not mean identical. Any successful team is made up of players with complementary talents. If a husband and the wife compete rather than collaborate, a marriage cannot succeed.


Jenny 2 years ago

The problem is that people think you need to be one way or another. Your either totally submissive or some bra burning feminist who demands everything and belittles her husband. A marriage is a partnership, a two way street if you will. If you work together and have a mutual respect for each other then your going to have a great marriage! One person calling all the shots is a dictatorship and as history has taught us with dictatorship is that it doesn't work! Someone is going to rebel! It's the same in a marriage if there is only one person making any and all decisions someone is going to crack either the husband, wife or the children. That's why even the president has a vice president and Advisers because nobody can take everything all the time. And being a "Yes" women all the time is going to instill absolute power into a man and he's going to abuse that power sooner or later. It's going to rear it's ugly head into some form of abuse or another. Mutual respect and admiration can come from both spouses without total submission and make a happy marriage!


Sara Jofre profile image

Sara Jofre 22 months ago from Portugal

Hi,

I admire how you follow your beliefs. I could never choose that path, but I understand, respect and admire the fact that you know what and why you do what you do. You are free to choose, you have chosen.


john 20 months ago

I like this post very much. Thanks for sharing such a great post

Bridgette Raes Style


Teesha 16 months ago

I have a problem with this in my own personal life and im really trying to bring myself to be submissive but the thought of being less and feeling like your not good enough is overbearing had me feeling like he doesnt care about me????


passionatelearnr profile image

passionatelearnr 12 months ago

It's not good to be submissive to a man.NOOOOO

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