You Know That There's No Such Thing As . . .

A convict who has just escaped suddenly wanting to be your best friend.
A convict who has just escaped suddenly wanting to be your best friend.

Okay. I know this is not new.

But I need to get it out of my system. It burns and burns worse than when I used to go on binges in Mexican restaurants. And friends, I love that food, but the heartburn finally won.

My headline is something you and I have heard more than once over the course of our lives. We might be talking to a group of friends sharing what we seen or heard on a television news program or read in a local newspaper and we feel confident that what we are telling is true.

But as soon as the last word of our topic leaves our lips, some know-it-all jumps in and says . . .

You Know That There's No Such Thing as . . .

A rattler that you can charm in less than 10 minutes.
A rattler that you can charm in less than 10 minutes.
Burglars who instantly want to straighten out their lives.
Burglars who instantly want to straighten out their lives.

I am not.

Playing the role of a know-it-all, but I am going to share some things that you and I know do not exist no matter who is telling about them.

  • A jolly fat person. Tease one and see.
  • Camping in the wilderness without a tent, food, or other needful things.
  • A happy-go-lucky werewolf.
  • Staring down a highly-trained guard dog.
  • Making instant friends with a Northwestern grizzly.
  • A cordial store employee who just learned that he or she is going to be laid off in two days.
  • A happy traffic cop.
  • A happy State Trooper having to listen to and see your foolish antics.
  • Fire ants that do not retaliate when you step on their hill.
  • A sincerely-happy single girl who never gets asked out.


Werewolves who can become our friends with just a little friendly talk.
Werewolves who can become our friends with just a little friendly talk.
A monk left at the monastery alone and not invited to go with his brother monks into town.
A monk left at the monastery alone and not invited to go with his brother monks into town.

And here is more.

  • A monk who has been left all alone in the monastery while his brothers visit a nearby town.
  • A good hearted convict who has just escaped Death
  • A peeping tom who has a sensible excuse for his inappropriate actions.
  • A rush hour crowd on any sidewalk in New York City.
  • A rattlesnake that you can charm in five easy minutes.
  • A sleazy whore monger who can be trusted.
  • A respectful telemarketer.
  • A reformed, hard core narcissist.
  • An open-minded left wing political group.
  • A sensitive radical-minded political group.


A State Trooper trying to endure your foolish antics.
A State Trooper trying to endure your foolish antics.
An angry guard dog that you can train in less than 30 minutes.
An angry guard dog that you can train in less than 30 minutes.
A clerk who LOVES to be called off his lunch break to deal with a customer. (See his fake smile?)
A clerk who LOVES to be called off his lunch break to deal with a customer. (See his fake smile?)

You are learning things, right?

  • A truthful C.I.A. employee.
  • An ISIS member who has a sudden "change" of heart and now loves little puppies and babies.
  • An understanding office or factory worker who has put in 16 years "paying dues," and is constantly overlooked for a promotion.
  • A happy marital partner who has been humiliated by his or her partner in public.
  • A person who is really happy at being so afraid of confrontations, they agree with anything.
  • A jubilant free lance writer who's works are most always rejected.
  • A "happy" volunteer in the Marine Corps' boot camp at Paris, Island, S.C.
  • A overjoyed teacher or college professor having to endure slackers every day of their careers.
  • A Christmas season Santa collecting donations outside a busy store, but not having that much success.
  • A sensitive wife who really hates her husbands corny jokes he tells to friends over and over again.


A guy who is REALLY happy "just" being a girl's best friend.
A guy who is REALLY happy "just" being a girl's best friend.

Lecture is almost over.

  • A convict sitting down in the electric chair.
  • A happy workaholic on a week's vacation.
  • A new priest assigned to the roughest section of the state.
  • People who are so gullible as to fall for those emails that begin with . . ."Good day, dear brother. I am "Prince Nameless or Something" of the prosperous nation of "Suckerville," but I am being held captive by revolutionary guards who want you to send them $500.00 to free me. To show you my gratitude, I will personally guarantee you a total of $45,000,000,00. in tax-free cash from my huge fortune for saving my life. Kindly send the $500.00 to this address.
  • Couples who are voted off of Dancing With The Stars.
  • Every couple who comes in after the winning couple on Amazing Race.
  • An understudy who never gets a chance to show their acting talents because the star they are standing-in for is one of those special people who never gets sick.
  • A biting dog who learns that the postman on his sidewalk carries pepper spray.
  • A new stand-up comic who's material makes audiences cry.
  • My fans who know that this one is the end of this hub.


"I want to take this opportunity to offer each of my Amazing Followers and

all of the HubPages staff and all of their families . . .

a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving."

"I am truly thankful to be a part of such understanding and wonderful

website."

— Kenneth

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Comments 4 comments

Jennifer Mugrage profile image

Jennifer Mugrage 12 months ago from Columbus, Ohio

You forgot

... a romantic, sexy vampire who would make a good boyfriend.


Michaela Osiecki profile image

Michaela Osiecki 9 months ago from USA

"A sincerely-happy single girl who never gets asked out."

This one rubbed me the wrong way, because there ARE asexual and aromantic women out there ( I know a few personally) who would be OVERJOYED at never having to be asked out again.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 9 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Jennifer,

Oops! You are right as rain. I am terribly sorry. Thank you for catching my error.

Thank you for reading my hubs and I pray that you have a safe and happy weekend.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 9 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Michaela,

Firstly. Thank you for reading this hub. Secondly. I humbly ask you to forgive me for rubbing you the wrong way. This one, same as the hub about awkward guys, was written in comedy and personal observation.

Maybe someday one of my offerings you will like.

Thanks again.

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