Loading... The funniest joke ever told was...

George Bush was a very wise and good president.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

"In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light". And there was still nothing but you could see it."

Groucho Marx

So cheesy it's funny.

Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?

A: She was afraid someone would caesar!

Men Are Just Happier People

?What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. ! Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ' do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "My friend is dead!... keep reading →

Wrong Email id

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,

so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally

typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he

sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home

from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail,

expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer

Screen which read:

To : My Loving Wife

Subject : I've Reached

Date : 28 Jun 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was

http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Centipede-Joke

A mans sad story:

Last Thursday was my Birthday,

My wife & kids didn't wish me,

I went to work,

my friends didn't wish me,

I entered my cabin,

my P.A said, Happy Birthday boss,

I felt special

She asked me for lunch

After lunch she invited me to her apartment,

There, she said do you mind if I go to my bedroom for a minute,

OK, I said nervously,

She came out few minutes later with a large cake followed by my wife, kids, friends

and I was sitting there NAKED!!.

So! A doctor, a lawyer, a priest and a boy are up in an airplane, when suddenly the engines fail over the Atlantic. Panic ensues among the four when they discover that there are only three parachutes. An argument takes hold. The doctor says, "I can't die, I save people.", and quickly grabs a parachute, puts it on, and jumps out of the plane. The lawyer does much the same, saying "I must take it, I am the smartest man alive." The priest bends down, looks the boy in the eyes and says. "Kid, I have lived a long and bountiful life, you take the parachute". The kid grins at the priest and says. "It's okay father, we can both go! The smartest man in the world took my backpack!"

Pull my finger...:P

At least that's the one for me!

Man goes to the doctor and say's "Doc, I think I need glasses".

Man say's "You sure do, this is a Gas Station".

maybe one of these:

1.A man walks into his local doctors office

Man: Doctor, doctor! you said you had something to tell me over the phone!

Doctor: Ah, about your test results, I have bad news and very bad news...

Man: Ok what's the bad news?

Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live

Man: WHAT! that's terrible what could be worse?

Doctor: I've been trying to tell you this since yesterday

2.A man walks into a clock shop and buys a grandfather clock

just as he's in sight of his house a drunk man bumps into him, smashing the clock to pieces "Why don't you look where you're going!" angrily,says the man to the drunk who then says

"Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everyone else!"

3.Did you hear what happened to the politician who took viagra'

he got taller

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side. :)

Well for someone with as twisted a sense of humor as I have, the aristocrats joke is pretty funny.

There was an Old Man Who died in the early age..

This would be the hardest question ever... But my current favourite is this: Adam is talking to God and says: "Thank you for putting Eve on earth for me, please tell me why you made her skin so smooth" ... keep reading →

Two men walk into a bar...you figure the first guy would have warned the other guy.

This is a joke I've only ever heard once in my life, and yet I've never forgotten it. I hope you'll read it here and then share it with someone else. A man named Charlie was walking down the street one sunny Saturday when he came across a pet shop... keep reading →

Knock knock.

- Who's there?

I eat mop.

- I eat mop who.

Say it outloud and you'll laugh.

a snail paints an S on a car...The car speeds away then the snail goes " look at the S car go "

A young boy walks into a brothel holding a dead frog. He asks the lady at the front desk "Where is your nastiest most diseased wh***?" She points down the hall to the last door on the right, then asks "Why do you wanna screw her and what's with the frog?" So the boy says "I am going to screw the wh*** then I am going to screw my babysitter who will then screw my father who will screw my mother who screws the mailman who will screw our maid; and that's the B**** who ran over my frog!"

A crowd of people in a zoo gathered around the place where the monkeys were displayed. All of the monkeys came together and pointed at the crowd of people in front of them and said: people see and people do.

joke: jok NOUN: 1. Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line. 2. A mischievous trick; a prank. 3. An amusing or ludicrous incident or situation. 4. Informal a. Something not to be taken... keep reading →

Two blonde women sitting in a bar over-hear a conversation between two men. They walk over to them and as they do, they hear one of the men say to the other: "I can't wait until NASA figures out how to land on... keep reading →

Bill Pugliano, Seattle Times There was a little itty bitty baby Polar Bear, who said to his mother one day, "Mom, am I really a Polar Bear?" His mother laughed and playfully nudged him along with her head. "Of course you're a Polar Bear, sweetie."... keep reading →

The funniest joke I ever heard was when I actually believed Obama when he said "Change we can believe in"....almost a year to the date he announced on CNBC "We have run out of money"...

What is green and has long hair? - An Angora frog.

Telling 2 very funny jokes in one of my hubs too.

Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, and Mickey Mouse walk into a bar. The bar tender says, "What is this? A joke?"

A 0,93 women comes to the doctor.

The doctor asks, and where the rest of you?

Woman takes out walkie-talkies ans says 0.07 report!

:)

James Bond rox:)

This is not only my favorite joke because of the joke, but also because it was told to me by one of my favorite girls in a dive bar that smelled like pee, and I was rolling my own cigarettes back then and we were drinking $1 PBRs. I no longer do... keep reading →

A person wants to move from New york to santababra. So his son goe's and tells everybody that "I am going to santababebra" SANTA-BABE-BRA! LOL folks!