Helping An Alcoholic That You Love

Loving someone is the best feeling in the world, and to be loved by someone is just as great. Love is something that you must work on and you need to find that perfect relationship that can grow over the years.

Growing your relationships make us stronger people and the more it grows you then feel as if two are now one. Many people think that love is just kissing, holding hands, having sex, buying fine jewelry and it goes on and on. By doing these things do we really think that is true love?

Don't get me wrong, yes all of those things do mean love, but is it true love? We do but these things to show our appreciation and our love for our spouse on special occasions like valentines day, birthdays, wedding anniversaries, but some may only show that love during those special occasions. True love should be celebrated everyday whether an occasion or not.

Personally I really don't see that this is the true meaning of love. When we were married we took our vows and repeated to each other, "for better or worse, for richer or poorer." I don't think that too many married people these days really stick by their words and promises.

Many families run into a situation that one of the spouses may be led to abusing drugs or alcohol for one reason or another,and this may turn into somewhat of a problem if not stopped.

So, here we have the wife or the husband abusing drugs or alcohol and one does not do eigher of the two. They see their spouse abusing, but says nothing at all in the beginning. As time goes bye the drinking or using of drugs becomes more and more each and everyday.

The clean and sober one can only take this to a point until words start to flow from their mouth and sometimes from other family members. They truly love the other, but the addiction is pushing their relationship slowly apart each and everyday.

We start to speak to the one we love calming regarding their addiction, but they don't want to listen. They continue on using and shutting out their spouse, because they have found a new love to replace their first love.

Sometimes helping an alcoholic that you love is so hard because you know you love them, but you hate their life style and the addiction. You don't want to get the alcoholic mad so you have to be very careful in your wording so that you do not upset them. As you are being careful of that it's then harder to get your point across firmly to them.

What must be done is to be firm in what you want out of them which is to stop drinking or using. The alcoholic is not only ruining their life they are ruining the spouse as well.

We just have to say to them that they will have to stop and get the help or our relationship is over. I will not support or approve your addiction and you must get help in order to save our marriage.

If the addict truly loves their spouse they will listen and get the help they need in order to not only save their relationship, but their own life as well.

Don't continue to wait and delay this because it will not get better only continue to worsen each and everyday.

So in the long run you will be helping our loved one and you will be helping yourself.  It is a very hard decision to give a spouse the ultimatum, but it will save his or her live and your relationship.  Stay strong and stick to your decision and by doing so if your relationship is truly strong and full of true love it will work out for both people.

Always remember, keep that positive attitude, stay strong to yourself and believe and you will achieve.

© 2010 Mark Bruno

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Comments 23 comments

fucsia profile image

fucsia 6 years ago

Unfortunately there are sometimes some sick relationship, where the partner "healthy" has a kind of addicted : he needs to be with an alcoholic (or with a person who is sick and that makes him feel somewhat useful), so that often he attempts to boycott the healing of an alcoholic partner, often without realizing it


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 6 years ago from South Africa

The clean life, thank you so much for this hub. For I feel so guilty since a few years ago, when I’ve cut a wonderful man out of my life because of his addiction-problems. I’ve requested him 3 times to stop, because under the influence of alcohol he embarrassed me and accused me of all kinds of ungodliness, which some of them, like my selfishness and rebelliousness, were true, but others, such as I’m adulterous and dishonest, not. The 4th time I’ve overreacted and left him, and I’m still trying to convince myself that I did the right thing before we got married. Truly, I don’t have the tolerance and staying power displayed by your wife regarding addiction issues. I have no reason whatsoever, except the fact that I’ve loved him and still do, to saddle myself with his problems. I prefer mourning over ‘what could have been’ rather living in constant fear, expecting every day that he get drunk again and embarrass me. What is your opinion about this? And yes, I pray that you’ll keep on having a clean life and that you show gratitude and love to your wife daily. For God knows, she deserves it!


dawnM profile image

dawnM 6 years ago from THOUSAND OAKS

it is tough being with someone with an addiction problem, but if they become clean and sober and you still love them, then giving them time to prove themselves and also knowing and being honest with yourself that they may slip up is really the only way of continuing in the relationship. I still find it a tough decission either way.

great hub


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

I found another passion from you to help people out of this addiction. Personally, I support you from the back. Good work, my friend. Vote this Up.

Prasetio


the clean life profile image

the clean life 6 years ago from New Jersey Shore Author

Thank makes me feel good that what I write is meaningful, thanks so much for the kind words my friend.

Mark


laurapowell 6 years ago from Canada

I pray everyday that my dual addict husband that just got out of rehab 4 months will find his Higher Power before his addictions kill him. I can't even talk to him anymore because it is the same saying, tomorrow is a new day. I don't trust him anymore as I see the bank account going down everyday. I so wish that I could have my relationship back again. I so wanted a happy life. But now I am not sure what I am going to do as I don't want to live in fear and wondering everyday will I be ok or will he be ok. Thanks for sharing the story. Laura


the clean life profile image

the clean life 6 years ago from New Jersey Shore Author

Did your husband do well in rehab? Is he really ready to surrender to his addiction, because he has to do that first in order for the rehab to work the way it is suposed to.(That is my opinion) I was fortunate that I could do this on my own and yeah it was really hard work, but I made up my mind that I have had enough of that horrible life and agreed to myself that I would never be able to pick up a drink again because if I do it will be back to square one for me.


laurapowell 6 years ago from Canada

Yes he went to Rehab 4 months ago. He had to go because he was going to lose his job. I had left him 6 months before this as he was starting to hang out and bring home crack addicts and dealers. They stole my cheques and wrote 25,000 worth of cheques on my business account before I could stop it. I had left them at the house when I had left. I only went back to help him as the family thought I was the only one that he would listen to. He went to treatment and I thought that he would of shared about his crack addiction but he only informed them about his drinking. He came out of treatment and I tried hard to work at helping him as I am an Al-alon member and have learnt so much through this group. He started AA and did not drink, but 2 days after getting out the crack started up again. Not every day but almost. I would talk loving to and tell him my concern and he would say "tomorrow" and then again it is "tomorrow" I have moved out again as now he has started to drink and do crack and is not attending AA. When I try to talk to him, he says you don't get it, it is a disease. I understand all that. But don't you think that someone should at least try. I said to him I borrowed the moeny to send you to treatment and look what I got. He yells at me and says to me that is all you think about is the money. Hello he does not get it. It is not about the money but about saving his butt and making him well, so we could have a life. Now as much as I love him and I keep trying to get him to understand, I have lost my love and my heart, I am confused and can't sleep. I am so lost at what to do to help him anymore. I know that I can't change him, and now he is telling me as soon as his passport comes in he is leaving for another country. I will lose not only him but my business and my home if he just leaves me like this. I just don't know what to do. SAD


the clean life profile image

the clean life 6 years ago from New Jersey Shore Author

Oh no, this is indeed sad. It seems to me you are trying so hard to help him and it looks to me he is not ready by far to get the help that is offered to him, Yes it is a disease and very hard to conquer but Without the willingness to even try it will not work. He has to want this so bad that he is willing to do anything. I am sad for you and I wish I had a magic answer but I think it is up to him now to make that huge change in his life. You can't force hinm to quit becease I think he will just do it more out of spite. Maybe he has not hit rock bottom as of yet. or something hasn't happen bad as of yet to make him see the light. I don't wish bad on anyone but sometimes thats what it may take unfortunatly. I will send you a message when I get hoome from work through contact on hubpages Okay

Hang in there it will get better Keep Positive that all will work out,Okay


RethinkRehab 6 years ago

Have you ever considered seeking professional help for yourself, to acquire the necessary tools to help your loved one through recovery? This isn't common practice but can be very effective. In a recent article, John Derry, Founder and Director of A Home Away Retreat (www.ahomeaway.org), states that "Addiction is a multifactorial disease that expresses and perpetuates itself within the context of family systems. Understanding addiction conceptually as a family disease highlights the need to address all members of the family in prevention and treatment strategies of societal programs and treatment strategies". I found that getting treatment myself was a major part of helping my fiancé through his recovery as I was better able to understand my weaknesses as an enabler and had the tools to respond and behave accordingly to his actions...if you have a loved one that you have a concern about addictive behavior, perhaps the best you could do for all concerned is to seek help for yourself. Plus! As Derry mentions, "(...) if addiction can be seen as a progressive disease that affects all family members... then treatment starting with one family member can similarly radiate recovery, hope, and health throughout the entire family"

What do you think?


skye2day profile image

skye2day 5 years ago from Rocky Mountains

Hi clean life. I read a comment of yours and was led to your hubs. I too am in recovery. My goodness 24 years. I owe my life to God of course and discovered His goodness in the rooms of AA. I am forever Grateful. The program saved my life and gave me back dignity until I could love myself.

I have lived with Addiction and alcoholism all my life. I understand. It is to hard for most to stay in an addictive relationship. My heart goes to the alanon. It is so hard since they have no cork to put in the jug. We both know that is only a symptom of the illness. The Plug in the jug.

My middle daughter was over last night as her alcoholic husband pushed her around again. He smashed her car, on and on. She is not ready. She will go back. I can only pray for her and be here. I told her when she comes back I pray she is OK. The illness is progressive. She knows it is a family illness and wipes out everyone. She knows about alcoholism. I worry so but hand her to the Maker. I pray He keeps her safe. I pray her sanity returns. It is a family illness. It is an awful horrible illness and running ramped. There is one with all power. He is Almighty God

I have many hubs on a story of recovery. Never never give up part one, two three. Anyway my story is all good. God has heard my prayers and He has delivered my husband. David had years and years of recovery. His first drink lasted 5 long years.

I am hands and feet for Christ as you are as well. I wanted to say congrats on your recovery and I pray your ministry to help others grows in epic proportions. I have bookmarked to send others to your pages. DO come over for a visit.

I Voted up and awesome, hub of love. I have joined your club. Cheers to Life and All Glory to God on High. Nice to meet you brother. In Him.


the clean life profile image

the clean life 5 years ago from New Jersey Shore Author

@ skye2day, What a beautiful and kind comment and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. A Huge congratulation on your 24 years sober. That is so wonderful and you are so right, with our positive attitudes and OUR GOD in charge we are on our way to finding sobriety. I have written so many articles on different sites and here on HP just trying to get the word out to the world that there is hope for all that are suffering with any kind of addiction. The only thing they have to do first is to want to be clean and sober. Without wanting that first they will have a difficult time because as we know we need to surrender first before anything good can come out of it.

I had written a hub called A Life Changing Whisper which explains exactly what happened to me one night and that night and that whisper changed my life forever.

We both know it is hard, but with each and everyday we are sober it gets easier and easier. At least it does for me and I too thank God for giving me the strength and the willpower and determination to finally after many years become clean and sober.

God bless you and yours and I pray for your daughter and her husband that everything will work out for them and they live a happy and fulfilling life ahead.

Mark


ThussaysNanaMarie profile image

ThussaysNanaMarie 5 years ago from In my oyster

Great piece! Stay strong. I think that is called tough love. Often the clean partner ends up falling ill because of all the stress and illness addiction brings on especially if they have been making excuses and enabling the addict. The addict is selfish and the ensuing illness that comes from addiction is a drain on the national economy and a waste of medical time when there are many genuinely sick people out there.

The clean partner must stay strong in their resolve to get the addict to seek help especially where there are children involved because they need to be nurtured. It is not fair on them. Some children may end up emulating the addicted parent and so the cycle continues.

The worst thing you can have in a family is an addict in your home-a drain on the family income. Nip habits of any kind in the bud before they become addictions.

Life is too short to choose to live in this way.


the clean life profile image

the clean life 5 years ago from New Jersey Shore Author

ThussaysNanaMarie , Sorry it has taken so long to reply, but thank you much for your comment. I give my wife so much credit for putting up wih me and my addiction for so many years. Now sober near 2 years I have a lot of making up time to do.


Trsmd profile image

Trsmd 5 years ago from India

Talk to them. Get online and do a search on alcoholism and give them the literature on it. Call Al-Anon. And that is about it. Ultimately only THEY can beat their alcoholism. Other than supplying the information they need and your support, there is not a lot you can do.


the clean life profile image

the clean life 5 years ago from New Jersey Shore Author

Trsmd, Thanks for your comment and you have some good points too.


Lisa 4 years ago

WE met online, long distance..we fell in love on the phone and when we met for the first time 2 months later it was fireworks! WE declared this to be TRUE LOVE, we never felt this before, hes 45 and Im 49.. WE partied it up then as it leveled out he still partied..then one night we got into a fight and I said something about him having to get hammered on booze..the next day when I got home to NY he broke it with me..then he rebounded with his ex gf who hes broken up with more then 8 times before..shes bipolar..I love him still..I cant help this, my heart did the picking..I would help him if he would let me but hes so mean to me now and he said he threw all my stuff away to..how could he be so mean? He told me when he broke it he still loved me..please help!


the clean life profile image

the clean life 4 years ago from New Jersey Shore Author

@ Lisa, sorry it has taken so long to reply to your comment. Thank you for reading. Sometimes thing work out for the better even though you loved him, but the feelings need to be mutual as hard as it sounds. It seems like he is a bit mixed up in what he truly wants in his life at the present moment. I would say don't force yourself on him and lay low and just maybe he might come to his senses and come back to you and if not it may be for the best for you. It seems like after 8 breakup with his ex I would say he is not too sure of anything and whats he wants. Hang in there for a while but if I were you I wouldn't wait around for too long. Go ahead with your life because each day you wait for him is one precious day you have wasted on you own life. I not sure if helped at all, but just take of yourself and it it is meant to be it will happen.

All the best to you Lisa!!

Mark


emack 4 years ago from Sydney Australia

What an inspiring Hub - full of the stories of heartache that addiction brings yet still with hope, support and a sharing of story.


the clean life profile image

the clean life 4 years ago from New Jersey Shore Author

@ emack - Thanks for reading and commenting on this hub.I try to write through all my experiences with addiction hoping my experience will help others.


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