My Trip to Venus (and Mars)

The trip to Venus was shaping up to be a long arduous trek because I couldn't find a ship going that way at Christmas! I'm not sure I could have done it without the help of Wikipediaman. Since I mentioned him recently and he was on my mind I gave him a call and he said I could hitch a ride with him on his way to planet Zelkiiro (he was going home for his holiday celebrations which are coincidentally held during our Christmas vacation but they don't celebrate Christmas, their holiday is called Hubba Hubba Pagan Days). Funny, when I asked him about that holiday he told me that "Happy Holidays" became a popular saying on earth because by law that is the only thing they are allowed to say on planet Zelkiiro. Their "holiday" Hubba Hubba Pagan Days, derived its name from the first Zelkiiroans to discover earth way back in our pagan times. Get this, he said Hub Pages was really a concept derived from their holiday "Hubba Hubba Pagan Days" and is run by Zelkiiroans who hold pagan rituals at night in the Hub Pages' headquarters. Wikipediaman showed me where to find this written in Wikipedia, so of course it has to be true! I have to say having him along for the trip with his You Tube Vision really made time fly, we were able to watch all kinds of You Tube Videos (not that they were consoidered evidence of anything) in hyper speed!

So I arrived on Planet Venus. You know what, it was no surprise, just like the book says women come from planet Venus! They are manufactured there by a process which actually cannot be described in human words! There are no words I can think of that could possibly describe it even though the Venusian women described it in great detail to me in my language many times but now I still find it impossible to actually say what they meant....this is mind boggling to me.

They have a special place of honor for men who make the trip to planet Venus. It's called the man castle and they treat you like a king, waiting on your every need or want. I could see out the window of the castle in the yard a small shed like structure with an opening but no door. It looked like a dog house so I asked "do you have dogs on Venus because my wife on earth, she loves dogs but she could never have one" and they said oh, no that's just "THE" doghouse. You won't be here long enough to see it but it has a use for the "special" visitors. Like many other things they said to me I still don't know exactly what she meant by that. Then she changed the subject, "If your wife could have a dog what kind of dog do you think she would like?" I said "Oh, she has always dreamed of having two Siberian Huskies, like her own little pack." Just as if she asked nothing and I said nothing she continued talking about another subject with the other women.

Amazingly Venusian women know why you are there without even asking or else they tell you why you are there, somehow I think on Venus both of those things are the same thing. While I was in their presence it made perfect sense but now I'm not sure what happened there. I was reminded of the times on Earth speaking with a woman when I felt I was on another planet. I guess now that I am on another planet I realize that really was what it feels like to be on another planet!

Anyway on Venus as long as I was in their presence and quietly listening to them talk to each other and me I felt this euphoria, a kind of anticipation of serenity just being in their presence and hearing their soft voices. Whenever I spoke however it was like I dropped a big book on the floor, it made me feel like shutting up and not saying a word which I am used to doing anyway in the presence of women, though I'm not sure why.

Well I eventually asked them why is it that men and women on earth seem to have a hard time communicating. After a long discussion with several of the women on Venus I gave up. It seemed that, if I remember correctly, on Venus my memory of my conversations with them were never exactly what they said they said. All I ever got to say to them in these conversations was "but". I'd ask a question, they'd say something, I'd say "but", then they'd continue to talk, I'd say "but", then they'd go on. It was like they knew what I was going to say after "but" before I got a chance to say it!

Finally, they all came together and told me I made a mistake coming to Venus, there was nothing they could do for me and that I need to go, not back to earth, no they said definitely not there but directly to Mars and ask for an upgrade.

They said Mars had been working on "my problems" (my problems? huh!) for many years and although they were not there yet they had made great progress fixing these glitches in men which apparently they thought I displayed. I laughed, I said, "You think there is a problem with me? Well I think maybe there is...." but before I could finish the sentence they had already huddled and were whispering among themselves as if I didn't even exist. I tried to listen but all I could pick up were bits and pieces like "doghouse" (I heard that several times) "Mars," "must go," "can't stay," and just when I was about to break in they broke their huddle and smilingly said, "here, take this ticket...we have arranged transport to Mars and then back to Earth for you! You can be home before New Year's Eve!"

Well I had been wondering how I would get home because

Wikipediaman...

...has been said to be an unreliable source, so I took them up on their offer and to my surprise I was whisked away IMMEDIATELY!

The trip to Mars was uneventful but when I arrived I was treated like I'd been in an accident. Some sort of space medics greeted me and began deprograming me, question after question, machine gun style, a stark difference from the serenity I found just being in the presence of the women on Venus. The men on Mars definitely had a job to do and they got right about doing it. I tried to talk to them but it was like they just weren't listening to a word I said and could care less about what I was feeling! I think it was the stark contrast of Martian behavior when compared to the nice visit I had on Venus that brought out my observations of these differences but in just a few minutes, guess what, I felt right at home. They put me in a room with two other guys watching football on TV.

We conversed,

I said, "Hey,"

they replied "Hey".

One asked, "You here for the upgrade? "

I said, "yeah, you?" The other said, "yeah, make that two."

And we watched football until nightfall.

The next day I woke up and two guys (space medics with Australian accents? I called them Frik and Frak), with cheese puff crumbs on their shirts and hair sticking up like they fell asleep on the couch or something came in to whisk me off again. When I asked, "where are we going?" They said, you my good bloke are going back to Planet Earth. I said, "But, but, but, but..." (this is a habit I picked up on Venus) what about the upgrade? One of the guys says, "oh, that...you got it already!" I said "But, but, but.....but when?" The other space medic says, "Did you just come here from Venus?" I said, "yes." He said, "It figures." I said, "what figures?" He said, "The but...but....but...buts"

Then he tells me, "Listen ,while you were watching the football game we upgraded you, you and those two other guys. It's subliminal. Yeah, after that book came out on earth, you know Women are from Venus, Men are bla, bla, bla we got so many complaints we had to issue an upgrade. Used to administer it on earth all the time on the satellite football games but the satellite companies wanted too much money so we stopped doing it....and then there was that legal problem with subliminal programing. But you, my man, are now good to go!" They walked me up the boarding ramp to the space ship when Frik says as I'm about to enter the spaceship,

"Hey, anybody ever tell you that you look like Chevy Chase?"

If you want, take a break now

start over if you weren't into it

'cause it's going to get better.

The best is yet to come.
The best is yet to come.

That caught me so off guard, I jerked to turn and answer him. I started to say, "As a matter of fact some people say..." when my luggage slipped out of my hand! It fell off the side of the boarding ramp and hit a guy below fueling the spaceship, hit him right on the head and knocked him out! I continued answering his question. "ummmm....well my nephews say I do..." watching what was happening I paused again as the fuel hose dropped out of his hand creating a fuel spill running out onto the runway " well, ummm ...I have been told I..." where another spaceship was firing its engines which caught the fuel spill on fire, a flame from which actually ignited the fuselage of that spaceship as it took off... on fire. Continuing my answer " ....ummmmmm....my wife says I..." the ship rose into the atmosphere and exploded, falling red hot debris landed all over the area, fires erupted everywhere, I continued to answer ".....oh, what was that? Chevy Chase? ummm NO, NO! Can't say that they have...Nope, nope not me!" (I'm thinkin, let's get the frik outta here!)" and then the whole spaceport had to be shutdown.

We stood on the boarding ramp watching the chaos as it unfolded until Frik and Frak hustled me into the ship and sat on either side of me. I said, "Wait, are we still going to take off with the spaceport in flames?"

Frik says, "Awwwwe that's nothin, they'll have it under control in a few minutes, happens all the time around here on Mars."

Frak says, "Yeah, We're not like Venus, we have things under control."

My mind has this automatic reaction called never accept anything you are told without testing it's veracity so I, delicately probing, I said "I never saw a spaceport shut down on Venus."

Frak goes, "Yeah, yeah that's because there are no men on Venus to fix it if it did."

My next question which spontaneously leapt to the forefront of my mind was, "Hey, you guys haven't been administered this upgrade yet, have you."

Frik says, "No as a matter of fact we need to not have it or we couldn't evaluate if it is working on you."

"Hmmmmmmmm....I see."

"Well guys," I said, "But, but, but, but ...what about my luggage?"

"That's gone bud, up in flames. You'll have to get new stuff ...and don't worry 'bout the "but, but, butting." That will stop by the time you get to Earth....just another glitch we fixed with the upgrade."

I said, "Hmmmm, yes the upgrade, just how exactly does that work now?"

"That's why we're here bud. We're coming along to make sure it's working. It takes about a month for the upgrade to take full effect and we will brief you on how that works on this trip back to Earth. Now, buckle up bud, their giving us the OK to take off!"

The next thing the space medic says to me, "Ok now when you get back you are going to have to communicate with a woman for the upgrade to create a baseline. Are you married?"

"Well, yes I'm married but I have no problem communicating with my wife."

Frak says to Frik giggling, "Hey you hear what he just said?"

Frik, "Yes, good, good, see bud, the upgrade is working already. You see if it wasn't, you would never say that."

Frak says to Frik "Wait a minute, he said he'd been to Venus recently."

Frik, "Venus? Bud, Is that true?"

Me, "Well yes, that is why I came to Mars, Venus sent me for the upgrade"

Frak, "They didn't put you in the dog house did they?"

Me, "No, no they said the doghouse was for special cases."

Frik, "Oh, that's good, that's good. If you had been put in the dog house an upgrade wouldn't work, we'd have to do a new install"

I said, "What are you talking about? I'm not a computer!"

"No, no of course not bud, just space medic jargon, bud...Listen, did you tell your wife you were going to Venus?"

"Well, yes I..."

"WHAT! ARE YOU NUTS!!!?"

"You told your wife you were going to a planet where there are no men and only billions of women? You might as well have told her you were going to Planet Zelkiiro for Hubba Hubba Pagan days!"

I said "But, but, but, but..."

Frik said "go ahead, go on, we'll wait for the buts."

"But, but, but, I didn't really tell her where I was going, just that I had to make a business trip with Wikipediaman about some YouTube business."

Frik and Frak say together, "WIKI WHO????"

Frak continues, "OK OK, wiki,wacky wooo... that's not important. What is important is that you must avoid communication with your wife during the baseline period. She and you have too much history and a baseline needs to be as free of existing relationship issues as possible. Can you communicate with any women who do not know you well but that you trust and can communicate freely with. Do you know such women?

"Well, yes as a matter of fact I do."

"Good, for the next month limit your communication with women to just them as much as possible. What you experience from communicating with these women during the baseline period will give you a new lease on life, better meaningful relationships with men and women but, if and only if, you adhere to these instructions. After the month communication with your wife will seem out of this world compared to the past and don't be surprised if she looks at you one day and says, "what have you done with my husband!"

I thought for a minute and said, "But what if this doesn't work?"

Frik says, "What did you say?"

I said, "But what if this doesn't work?"

Frak says, "Just listen to yourself bud, it's working already!"

When I asked them if there are upgrades for women too, they laughed hysterically and said, "Bud, you are going to learn with this upgrade, you can't fix perfect."

I arrived home today and when I got home my wife was busy taking down Christmas decorations. I asked why she was doing it so soon.

She answered, "Well it's the puppies, they keep getting into stuff."

I said, "Puppies?"

"Oh", She said "You rascal, don't play dumb with me, while you were gone this special delivery package arrived from Venus Kennels and in it were the two Siberian Puppies I've wanted since my childhood, with this note.......... Who are those two guys with you?"

She gave me a note that read:

"Merry Christmas Darling,

they are almost as irresistible as you."

"I love you. Your devoted husband."

And I answered

......"Oh, .......................them, .......................that's"......

THE END

Please take this poll.

DO you think this Hub Page should be split in two parts?

  • Yes, Part (1) the Comments from the JThomp42 Hub Page and Part (2) the trip
  • No, leave it just as it is.
  • No need to split it, just throw the whole thing out.
See results without voting

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32 comments

Jodah profile image

Jodah 21 months ago from Queensland Australia

Interesting hub Tsad. no one can accuse you of being run of the mill. I have never seen a hub written mainly around comments from another hub before..(well half of it)..first time for everything. I think your should have made the second part about Venus and Mars a separate hub, but that's just my opinion. This did test out the "attention span" a bit. Anyway at least I read it...and I've been to both Venus and Mars (http://jodah.hubpages.com/hub/A-Space-Shanty). Voted Interesting.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 21 months ago

My head is spinning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 21 months ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Hopalong Cassidy and Roy Rogers used to shoot the guns out of the bad guys' hands, but that's Hollywood. In a real gunfight, people are often badly wounded but don't even know it until after the fact.

The drill is this: If you must shoot, then place your bullets in the chest and keep shooting until your opponent is either dead or incapable of shooting back.

Merely wounding your opponent in the hopes of stopping him is a good way to get yourself killed.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 21 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Your poor head is spinning pop. because you actually tried to follow tsad. Relax. I'll explain the whole thing to you at the Inn. BTW, his trip to Venus in the hopes of understanding women did not turn out as he's hoped. We just need to continue to pity him and handle with kid gloves. He's very fragile. (if you know what I mean)


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 21 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Pity me? What about Will, he didn't get past the first paragraph which was Oztinato's comment on JThomp42's Hub Page about Michael Brown!

I think. I didn't write anything about gun play on Mars or Venus did I? I can't remember, I'll have to read about the trip again. Hopalong Cassidy?


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 21 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Will...Of course, having it explained from the point of view of law enforcement, it does make sense. As much as I wished that a perp should be "wounded" as opposed to killed, it really takes too many dangerous scenarios into consideration. I can rationalize it from that perspective.

Thanks for adding your comment.

tsad....don't worry about Will. He does just fine. Pay attention to your self! No "Buts."


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 21 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

ummm, excuuuuuuuuuuuuussssse me! The title of the hub page is "My Trip to Venus", not police training classes and courses for law enforcement! Jodah's right, it was a mistake to start with a comment section. I'd rather be "run of the mill" than "gun of the kill".

btw Thank you Jodah for reading, as Paul Harvey would have said, "the rest of the story"


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 21 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

If that's what you think, then go ahead and do it over. I think it's fine the way it is. You can just edit the entire first part OUT. Stop crying. I hate to see a grown man cry.


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 21 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Maybe you are right, the views are really jumping. After dropping since I published more Hubs my hub score went up 5 points today! But then nobody is taking the poll so I'm probably losing them before they get to the end.

Maybe I should leave it like it is and make another hub page with just the trip - would hp allow me to do that?


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 21 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

NO....that's duplicate content. Either leave it or take out the entire first part and just leave the Trip to Venus......In all this time you spend obsessing over one hub, you could have written 3 new hubs with google power......Your poll does not & will not have much effect if any. OK? All right?? Got it now? Done with this? Feeling better? More confident? Let's HOPE so!!!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 21 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

You remind me of my mmm.......ummm

other, yeah, other good friends who keep me from getting into trouble and soooooo...I... gueeeess I'll write some new hubs.....now, bye.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 21 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

The only person I need to remind you of is ME. Yes, write a hub, watch a movie with your wife, play with Kabul, stay out of the turtle pen and leave the owls alone.

Do something.....anything other than argue with atheists~ a practice in futility. They don't listen and will not change..nor will you. That's a dead issue. Don't bite. Everybody believes what they believe....they live how they live. It's not my business nor duty to direct the lives of others...nor is it yours or theirs. Stay away from them. I am watching you, tsad. You do not want me continually on your case. I'm an expert at terrorism. You will rue the day. Do something constructive....something NICE.....maybe even something that will make you lovable. Are you listening to me? Do NOT force me to attack these jerks who insult you, your education and your intelligence.

It is not a pretty sight. If I go dago on them, it will wind up costing me....and then buddy, you will be in a whole heap of Sh_ _ ! I trust I've made myself perfectly clear.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 19 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

In my travels throughout our HP community for the past month or so~~I see that your trip to Venus may be producing somewhat of a (perhaps delayed) positive reaction. You ARE softening a bit around your rough edges. You are calming down and being nicer...even more rational. WOW!

The next thing you know, you're going to begin to feel more peace and love and be happier with yourself.....truly happy, not egotistical. (OK, I admit someone as wonderful & brilliant as you, Mr. Tsad deserves a slightly big ego) cough

Anyway, credit where credit is due.....So YES, I'm proud of myself for forcing you to go to Venus! LOL....LMAO!!! You get an A+, but grades ares subject to sudden and unexplained change. Have a great week-end......PJ


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 19 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Well I'm glad you see it that way Paula, 'cause I was wondering if I was "softening a bit around my rough edges," or maybe it was just that since RoberttheBruce got banned I didn't have to be bothered with his trolling me and putting him in his place anymore. Calling a spade a spade is seldom pleasant but needs to be done by someone even if it reveals some rough edges. Telling it like it is is a virtue and I trust you are doing the same when you say I am "softening a bit around your rough edges." I'll keep working on it, but, but, but....never mind.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 19 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

I hear you, I understand and I most certainly AGREE that "telling it like it is," and my mother's favorite expression, "Calling a Spade a spade," ( I heard that her whole life....what's the origin of that phrase?) is a Virtue and one that I am proud to possess as well. It is not a pleasant thing to the receiver/listener, but YES, at times it must be done.....gently & as nicely as possible. R the B I must say, pushed to the ultimate limits and actually was an exception to the "gentle & nice."

He was a "freebie!!" LOL Poor guy. Wonder who he's blabbing to these days?

If you don't realize yet that I am always sincere & honest...you never will, so I'm not repeating myself. A+ still holding....LOL


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 19 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Always, don't I know it!

But sooner or later I dread another trip to Mars for another upgrade...will those men from Mars ever get it right? I doubt it, and how would I explain what happened to Frik and Frak? Though we only shared a few weeks together surviving the destruction of a spaceport together created a male bonding that can never be broken, I miss those guys. I just wish when I dropped into the funeral home to view the bodies I didn't trip over the carpet and knock the lit candles into the open casket which was engulfed in flames and wound up actually being a cremation instead of a viewing. But those guys were really on fire with their "upgrading" jobs so I thought it was a fitting way to go, in the end. Funny how my blunders always work out for the good, uncanny.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 19 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Funny, definitely FUNNY, Griswold....LOL! Yer killin me......just imagining the scene.


peachpurple profile image

peachpurple 19 months ago from Home Sweet Home

Pretty long hub that i almost fell asleep halfway. Sorry


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 19 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Not surprising mother earth is a little critical of Venus and Mars? ;-)

Yeah, I should put a warning in to start in the middle with the trip and skip the comments at the beginning.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 19 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

peach....You could have actually slept through the entire hub....and know more than you know now. Tsad is in mid-life crisis. Have pity.


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 19 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

I'll take that as a supreme compliment, now that you've given me another 64 years to live.


Stargrrl 19 months ago

JThomp! I miss him. What happened to him--why did he leave? He was a strong presence on Hubpages for a while.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 19 months ago from England

Eek! reading this i felt like Sheldon on the big bang theory when penny and leonard argue.....he runs to the comic book store and hides behind the table while playing with a robot....I know what he means! LOL!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 19 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Thanks for visiting Stargrrl! But by your comment and the others (except for fpherj48) it appears what impresses people the most about this hub page are things that have nothing to do with my actual story of the trip to Venus (and Mars). JThomp was banned from HP around the same time RoberttheBruce was banned. One an atheist the other a Christian, guess that's HP's idea of fairness. What can I say?

Nell, thanks for the entertaining comment but I'll have to watch bbt to get it. I learn so much from this Hub Page's comments, about Hopalong Cassidy and Roy Rogers, JThomp, short attention spans and now the Big Bang Theory, which I've never watched, but have to see now! I'm beginning to feel my readers are like the dog in "UP"....."squirrel!"


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 19 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

What impresses people about this bizarre hub is that they even manage to get through it without having to make an emergency appointment to see their Therapist.

T.....snap out of it buddy. Strgrl & Nell are just very very nice people who want to leave an acceptable comment and leave gracefully~~~they lack the U-Know-WHAT to tell it like it is. But guess who doesn't?

I've told you repeatedly.....edit this hub the way you thought you should. I warn you amigo, if someone with a degree in Psychiatry reads this.....Kabul's gonna miss you for 90 days.


Stargrrl 19 months ago

T - Of course I liked this hub...it was really long...it is just that I miss JThomp! I know he was probably banned unfairly.


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 19 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Stargrrl and Paula, I know, I know, it was either I deflect my lack of talent to capture the reader's interest or launch a feeble attempt at self deprecation, I chose the former.

I did not mean to cast dispersions upon anyone, I loved the dog in UP.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 19 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Next time......try the latter. (apparently Stargrl thinks I'm picking on you. She doesn't realize I'm saving you from yourself) LOL!!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 19 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

"saving you from yourself" OMG, we are married!

(Déjà vu~What a silly Christmas goose he is! I can't believe it. and I hope he reads this...."Venus & Mars"...my BUTT! It seems more to me like we're married! Oh LORD FORBID!! The 2 bodies on the floor would make for a difficult crime scene investigation.)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 19 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

intelligent women have a tendency to use the same meaningful statements and phrases. Why? Because we actually have brains.....and we USE them! We know men are totally unaware of how to speak, walk, drive, dress, behave and/or socialize acceptably. While it may seem we are guiding and protecting them.....we're really just attempting to save our own embarrassment for having chosen to associate with him.

Wake up Mr. Man.....this has been going on in full public view for centuries. If not for women, you guys would be as extinct as the Do-Do bird.


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 19 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

But, but, but ...(wow, in the blink of an eye I'm back on Venus!)


aviannovice profile image

aviannovice 14 months ago from Stillwater, OK

I'm still laughing!

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