Providing For Your Family: The Day A Husband Healed An Angry Wife
The Man Is The Provider, The Head Of The Household
Growing up, I was taught certain societal norms or beliefs. One of these was that a man in a marriage is the provider: he works and pays the bills and takes care of his family's needs. In taxes he was always marked the HEAD-OF THE HOUSEHOLD, the main wage-earner. Well, as my mother got divorced and remarried the idea changed a little. She had become financially independent during her singleness. When she remarried the idea became more like this: the man and woman share equal financial responsibility in the household. So when I got married I had both of these ideas planted firmly in my head. In my first marriage finances only became an issue as a result of my husband's drug addiction which led to him losing his job, throwing away his retirement on drugs and eventually prison. That's how I become the sole provider in our household for the first time: my first divorce and his debts etc. and it continued through single motherhood. I never expected to be the sole provider in my first, second or third marriage, but it happenned. It happened again, and again. I figure with the economy there are many family's in our nation who are now struggling through the same thing. Having to raise a family of 4-5 people or more with one income. It's a very hard thing to do and puts a great amount of stress and hardship on marriage or relationships in general. In my case I have been blessed to be ok so far, but the expectation that my current husband needs to make a greater effort and become an equal, if not the full provider, is still there. This is a daily expectation: it has become a daily frustration and a source of anger. In many cases a person seeks employment but cannot find it. This is ok, because you see an effort but no result through no fault of their own. In other cases a person simply doesn't want employment because it isn't what they want to do for a job. This second scenario is what I want to focus on. I feel that some men don't make a true effort to do their part. And their part is to provide. I feel they are selfish. They are searching for their own happiness and comfort, and not what's best for their family. They are comfortable having someone else do the work, the sacrifce. They are too good to do what ever they have to do to provide. I have known other men who have taken 2-3 jobs to be provider, to allow their wives to stay home and raise the kids. I have also known man who simply choose not to work. I know others that have work, but are either not doing the job right, not working enough, or it simply isn't enough to provide and they just refuse to try anything else or seek something better. They are under the illusion that it is good enough as long as they have $20 in their pockets on a daily basis. Reality check for those men: that is NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be a provider for your family and have your wive's respect or even self-respect.
My man is one of those who works and is happy having $20 in his pocket on a daily basis. He works, but somehow the money never makes it home for bills or mortgage. It all goes back to him, and it has been this way for many, many years. He never has enough to help or pay his own personal bills. No health insurance, no dental linsurance, and he isn't getting younger.
I know we are not the only couple and not the only family going through this... that is why I am writing this blog.
It Hit The Fan, I Reached My limit And I Was Angry
After so many years of waiting for this man to get it together and start bringing home some money I had finally had enough, It hit the fan, I reached my limit, and I was angry. One more hour, one more second, one more day became too much. I could not wait any longer. I wanted it it fixed RIGHT now, desperately!!!
Did I say I was angry YES! ABSOLUTELY ANGRY. So angry I stopped talking to him. Every time we talked I would just blow up, about everything. A few months before this, my man had a chance to apply for a job for which he seemed qualified. He passed the first interview and the second. He had an appointment for a third interview and they called him-in for an early training. He chose not to go to the training or the third interview. The job promised really good money and the hours were 10am-10pm. His excuse for not taking the job: the hours were long and he wouldn't be able to spend as much time with our son as he wanted too.
I accepted that. However, I expected him to keep looking for something else, but what I saw was a man who wasn't even TRYING. A man who would rather watch movies for 2-4 hours/day rather than look for work. A person so unmotivated to do better that he wouldn't even make the time to look at the jobs I would find for him. His two daughters stayed with us for a month in the summer. We went to Disneyland--90% paid by me. He promised, once they left, he would get a job and do better. However, they left, and he wasn't keeping his promise.
That's when it hit the fan! and I was angry! I was horrribly angry all the time.
I had NO RESPECT for my man--he needed to be provider. I didn't want to pay for my own movie or my own dinner, or the babysititing for our date. I already pay for everything else. I needed him to do it.
How He Healed His Angry Wife:Something Simple, Something Small
For a long time I had wanted to buy a pair of earrings and some little things for my hair. Nothing expensive by any means, but I had just finished paying out the back-to-school expenses for my kids so I kept putting it off. I got paid and told my husband I wanted to go to the mall. He asked me why and I told him about the earrings. It was one of those days when he had a little money in his pocket. He knew I had alot of expenses that month and offered to pay for my earrings. Then we went to the accessory store and he offered to pay for my hair clips. We only had our son with us and he took him to the chocolate store so I had peace and quiet to look around and actually enjoy my shopping. I went to a couple of other stores and looked around. It was nice to have time to myself.
It was nice to feel pampered...taken care-off, provided-for.The anger left, my monster was calm. In one simple moment I was healed.
How easy that was...how simple...how wonderful...
Sadly the feeling was temporary--lasting about a week. Only in resolving the real issue of providing can the healing become permanent.
Making Good Money Without a College Degree and The Delusion
My husband doesn't have a college degree but wanted something that paid good. Here's a news flash for everyone out there that wants to make really good money without a college degree. The reality is...sometimes it's hard to make good money even with a college degree. Reality check: yes it is possible to do it, but it can only happen by working long hours, working two jobs, working physically-demanding jobs or having a skill in demand. The point is... it is work... it takes work and sacrifice to make money. It takes action, actively looking and seeking opportunity. That means it takes time and effort. Finding a good job is work. It doesn't happen by wishful thinking alone. It's usually not convenient or easy, but it can be done. It can happen. When it does... be grateful. Do not let fear of change overpower you and throw it away like my husband did. Do not be selfish, ego-centric: you need to provide.
I Expect The Man To Do What He Needs To do. Drop The Pride and Provide
When I went to college I worked part time, In the summer I worked full time, I took what honest job would pay the bills. Always keeping in mind that it was temporary. I would be actively seeking something better while I worked there. I was doing that job to pay the bills on my own, not depending on anybody else. I never took a penny from my poor, hard working mother and I was proud of it. Always Knowing that it was temporary, and honest work until I found better. At 16 years old I started out as a dishwasher,when I moved to another city, I needed something fast so I worked at dairy queen. I once delivered pizzas to pay for my books and not charge them on credit. I was proud to provide for myself and this is what I expect of other people. I expect them to do what they have to do--be it men or women. No excuses. No pride.
However if you are a man, have a family, and your wife is doing what she can: I expect the man to do what he needs to do. Drop the pride and begin to provide.
Families need financial security and some sort of steady income and it is your job to man-up and fix it.
The Job Delusion and Divorce
Many men or women are under the DELUSION that they have a job and there's nothing wrong with it. Except for the fact that one person is still the only provider for their whole family and is probably stuggling emotionally, financially and mentally. If you are not bringing home money to help provide for your family on a steady basis-- then you are under a delusion that what you are doing is good enough. You must let go and push yourself to want better.
Constant financial stress inevitably leads to anger, frustration and eventually divorce.
When my husband and I first got married we accrued debt: the wedding expenses, the rings, etc. As we blended we added two bedrooms to a house in my name to accommodate both of our families moving-in together(4 kids and two grownups total). My new husband and kids left their home and moved-in to the bigger one with me and my kids. Somehow I ended up paying the bills, the mortgage and everything else--as if he had never moved in. In addition, I was suddenly feeding and sheltering him and his. I would work and work and never had a penny left to me, or my kids. This was hugely stressful. As a newly-blended family we had other issues(many) but the financial problem was a big one--so we divorced within six months of marriage. I divorced this man hoping that filing the paper- work would snap him into changing, but it didn't, the delusion that he had a job and it was good enough remained, the problems persisted and we were divorced.