. . . "The Door of Life" Closing

I stare out a cold window knowing "she" will never return.
I stare out a cold window knowing "she" will never return.
Gazing into emptiness is what I dwell on.
Gazing into emptiness is what I dwell on.

Say hello to "pain."

Writer's note: I am at this time, shutting-off the comical and lowering my guard that keeps me safe in order to write this hub and see it published. I can already foresee depression and mental-adversity both during and after I hit the "publish now" button at the top of this finished product. But it's my story. You have a story that you've never shared with anyone. Thanks for your patience and pray as you read this. Kenneth

I met pain on a face-to-face basis during my senior year of high school in 1972. I guess I can share the name of the school: Hamilton High School in Hamilton, Ala., which equals the fabled "Mayberry," in its quaintness and simplicity. I have no problem claiming this obscure hamlet as my hometown.

Singing a song of love. A song without notes or music.
Singing a song of love. A song without notes or music.
Mr. Ted Miles.
Mr. Ted Miles.

Pain, like happiness, comes in degrees.

To the vast majority, my brand and degree of pain is great material for those doing stand-up comedy. I have prayed countless times to be able to laugh, but only hot tears try to pour down my cheeks. I got to be strong. I cannot expose my emotions. I was told at an early age. Blast that early age advice. I never found my road map after I was conditioned to be nothing more than a rock. Feeling nothing, showing nothing and being nothing. And this is from age five through ten.

The "real" dagger was planted to strike on down the road that I somehow took, not chose. And when it struck, it cut so deep the wound stayed open from May 1972 through today, May 22, 2015. No physician can dress this wound much less ease the suffering I carry around inside. But I have grown accustomed to me and my enemy "pain" going and coming and silently-respecting each other every mile I travel.

A man with no sense of choice is a fool, or so the wise say. I only know that I wasn't the one that statement was meant for. And now, I do not care. To add to the ridiculous image of those 14 seconds I witnessed on a Wednesday in 1972, in the hallway of my high school that I have already shared with you. "She," and I know you saw this coming--a woman involved, but she was "the" most-beautiful girl in God's universe. She still is. And there's the aggravation of my open-wound.

Me, trying over the years to keep the "Door of Life," from shutting on me.
Me, trying over the years to keep the "Door of Life," from shutting on me.

"The Door" starts slowly closing.

Many is the time that since "that" Wednesday in '72, I have secretly wished for some feasible way to hurt myself just so I could be rid of this pain that is slowly sucking every molecule of my life down its filthy throat. And I would have attempted this "exit," if it were not for some little ones who have captured my life: My grand kids. At the time I contemplated my stepping over the border line of right and wrong, I did not have grand kids. I wonder now if that would have mattered?

This girl who could have passed for a goddess, was the girl I fell in love with in 1966. Back when love was covered in purity and there were no such things as masked agenda's. While we were waiting for class to start, our eyes met. Once. Only once. That moment in time froze somewhere near the edges of our vast universe and I cannot get there to rid myself of it.

For the next six years, I suffered inside like any foolish man who has allowed himself to be captivated to such an extent that he would do anything legally or morally to appease the girl whom broke his heart. Sure, this is corny at most. But it has to come out. Why? I guess I am fooling myself again into believing that I will suddenly feel better if I talk about it.

One taste of happiness.
One taste of happiness.
Now in my life is this cracked window a metaphor for my life or is it a reality?
Now in my life is this cracked window a metaphor for my life or is it a reality?

14-near-fatal Seconds.

The fatal 14-seconds I told you about evolved like this: "She," the girl I was, and still am in love with, was talking to three of her friends near her locker. It was now a stalking urgency for me to wait until her friends left then I could "put it on the line" and just ask her for one date. Only one date. That was all I wanted. Her friends left as that moment is forever-playing in my memories in slow-motion, and I walked toward her. She glimpsed me and then joined them down the hallway.

That was when "the door" of life began closing on me and my chances with her. I mean, in the most-simple terms, I was not about just having sex with her and leaving her on the side of a road. No. I just wanted to enjoy her company, hear her laugh, and absorb the softness of her hands. That's it.

I may be wrong, but in my mortal mind I realized that if "I" could keep "the door" of life open and slow down its closing, "I" might taste a real bit of happiness before my time is up. I had hope when I was in my 20's, and from my 30's through my 50's, I grew weaker and older and felt "the door" of life somehow grow stronger and somehow start pushing me toward the nasty floor of my dreams.

This is my high school located in Hamilton, Al. The place where "she" shattered my life.
This is my high school located in Hamilton, Al. The place where "she" shattered my life.

Defeat and pain mingled at last.

In the year 2000, I gave-up and called her. She is divorced now and I knew that dealing with her husband, whom I knew, would not be something I had to deal with. We chatted for an hour and finally I told her of how I felt toward her and she was silent. Well, I thought. At least I told her. What happens now just happens and I cannot master the universe and its tentacle-like ways of an unsure life.

But "the door" keeps closing. And I will never in this life be younger, bolder, and able to love a goddess like "her."

And to lay here in defeat and mutter, "I gave it my all," just doesn't work at all.

And this is where  I am today.
And this is where I am today.

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Comments 8 comments

Keri OCreene 18 months ago

I love when people share their moments in time :)


Kenneth Avery 18 months ago

Hi, Keri,

Thank you sincerely for your sweet comment.

This, mind you, was not easy to do. I am glad that it is finished.

Happy Memorial Day to you.

Kenneth


Jodah profile image

Jodah 18 months ago from Queensland Australia

We all have moments in our lives that we can never forget Kenneth, loves not revealed, dreams not realised, goals not reached. There were girls I was infatuated with at various times but I was too shy to reveal my feeling to them. Life passes too quickly. At least in your case you got the opportunity to tell her how you felt. This must have been hard for you to write but thank you for doing so. Take care my friend


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 18 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

ken...I would echo Jodah's comment and admit we've all those magical moments come and then pass us by, just out of reach for one reason or another.

This very ending should serve to advise us that "some things are simply not meant to be.' Perhaps you were saved of further and more complicated unbearable pain. In any event, you have nursed a fantasy for far too long~~ to no avail.

Since you do have grandchildren you are very fond of, it follows that you had CHILDREN~ meaning then that you have/had a wife.

A wife, BTW, I do hope will never know your deep secret. I can't think of another thing that would devastate a woman more than accepting she has been second best to you or merely a stand-in for who you really loved and desired. Ouch. That's what I call a seriously fall.

Time to put your dream world to rest, Ken and relish in the life you've been blessed with all these years. Hopefully your disclosure has helped you to peacefully accept reality.....Up+


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 18 months ago from Central Florida

Wow, to feel the loss of what could have been all these years strikes me. She must have really made an impression on you. Have you had further communication since that day in 2000?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 18 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

bravewarrior,

Yes, we have communicated, but not a lot. I feel more at peace telling someone the truth of how I felt rather than living and bearing a burden that could have been dealt with. Which I did.

Thank you for your comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 18 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Jodah,

I am prone to agree with your analogy of this hub. And my life. Thank you, my friend, for clearing my vision.

And come back anytime.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 18 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, fpheri48,

You make a world of sense, but not completely-understanding what USED to be a dilemma.

I love my wife and grandchildren to such a degree that I would give my life in the next instant for them.

One thing in your wonderful comment caught my eye. The part of "if" she and I HAD ended-up with each other, I could have been dealt a more-severe degree of pain. That is all too true.

But since I confided in this friend since the second grade, I have tried to help her through a very nasty divorce, but NOT intimate-action. I do not roll like that.

My wife knows her and they are friends. But as for the "fantasy," that surfaced long before my wife came along.

So we and the woman, have decided to be best friends. That's it.

I am doing my best to do as you suggest, put my fantasy to rest and till the ground that is still before me.

Thanks for the help.

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