Guys, Here's 10 Perfect Ways for You to Lose a Pretty Girl in 72 Hours
This lovely gal is Kate Hudson
Other ways for ignorant guys to lose girls
Results of doing one or all of my Ten Ways to Lose a Girl
You are very happy today
"Gilbert L. Lawson," Harvard grad with a Masters in Business Administration, now assistant to the assistant Vice President of Traffic for "Bagby, Lowdnes, and Moore, LLC.," an up and coming ad agency on the lower east side of New York.
You can't help but smile as you look at your reflection in your computer screen. You should be happy. You paid your family barber, "Jonesy Callaway," an Italian-American, over $45.00 for this cut and trim, for today, Friday, is a special day in your life.
Today, "Mr. Gilbert L. Lawson," son of "Mr. and Mrs. Henry Lawson, III, of British Columbia, whose financial holdings are things front-page stories on the New York Times are made of. But now, you are out on your own. Independent and can handle life all without mother and dad's influence and power.
Today at 5 p.m., you are officially "off the clock," and ready to go and pick up your date, "Julie SueAnn Dixon," partner in New York's newest and plush modeling agency. Yes, she is equally wealthy, but needed something to do to get her out of her 45-room mansion just outside of the city.
You and "Julie," met two weeks ago during an art exhibit where your parents donated over a hundred-thousand dollars to show that they are charitable. You are so proud to be rich. But the art exhibit and lavish museum wasn't what made you happy. It was meeting this gorgeous girl who (literally) stepped off of the front page of Redbook or Women's World magazines and chose to be nice to you while you were "acting" like you knew all about paintings.
Then, after a three-week stint of dating this "doll," you noticed that she was edgy, snippy, and down-right uncomfortable when you picked her up for your usual weekly-date.
Uh, oh. Trouble has reared its ugly head in your paradise. What nerve. And how dare "Mr. Trouble," interfere with your love life?
Well, it could be that you, "Gilbert Lawson," broke one or all of the following "Love Laws," below. That's right. There are unspoken "laws" that govern relationships between men and women, and you probably weren't taught these priceless tips at Harvard, so you have been "walking around blind without a cane."
So now, for your sake, "Gilbert," I offer to you . . .
The Ten Absolutely-Perfect Ways to Lose a Pretty Girl Within 72 Hours"
Could be that you . . .
CALLED HER TOO MUCH say around twenty-times per day from your office to hers. Now if you two were in high school, this would be very cool, but you two are adults, living and loving in a real world. "Gilbert," calling a girl this many times a day tells her one thing: You do not trust her. Stop it before she punts your butt down Fifth Avenue.
TALKED TO YOUR FEMALE EMPLOYEES about her and what she was like and why now days she is irritated most of the time when she's with you, but look out. One of your female coworkers is her best friend and meets her for drinks on an occasional basis. Don't you think that this girl in your office gabbed to her a week ago about what you two did on a date where things got out of hand? Ignore all females besides your girlfriend if you want to keep your girlfriend.
BOUGHT TOO MANY EXPENSIVE GIFTS she knows you are rich. She is rich. So a limoousine full of Valentine teddy bears that stand five-foot tall aren't going to impress her. And those ten calls that evening to ask her if she received a special gift from "someone" really upset her. She thinks you are a sophomore in high school. No, she thinks you are a dork. Stop this right now.
SET-UP DATES without asking her first. Not that she is tough to date, but setting up dates, making reservations in restaurants she's never visited is ill manners and rude. This action tells her that you have to think for her. Bad mistake, "Gilbert."
YOU WANTED TO BE DIFFERENT not like the other guys she once dated, so instead of buying her a Toy Poodle, you bought her an Otter. Oh he is playful, but also a rodent who can bite at a minute's notice. Stop being a fool and act right, "Gilbert," no New York girl loves rodents except those girls who are into wildlife.
YOU ARE DEPRESSED AND SAD when you aren't with her. Your coworkers are beginning to avoid you because all you want to talk about is you and your girlfriend not being together all of the time. Say "Gilbert," I have an idea. Ever heard of marriage?
WHEN SHE IS DEEP IN THOUGHT you ask her all evening if you have offended her. Bud, let me tell you something. She is a powerful businesswoman with huge things on her mind. Back off and let her think. She will love you more if you won't act like a little whipped puppy.
WHEN YOU ARE IN HER APARTMENT on one of your week-night dates, you simply won't leave. You stay and stay like you live there. "Hey, huh. It's now 3 a.m. I have to work tomorrow and I need some sleep," she coos to you, but nooooo, you, the bullhead of bullheads, reply, "Well, babe, just come over here and lay your head in my lap and I'll sing you some old Chinese lullabyes." Friend, you are running dangerously-close to being kicked-out. Be a gentleman and do not stay past 10 p.m.
WHEN AN OLD COLLEGE FRIEND of hers named, "Johnny Steele," who lettered in four sports, was president of the student council, made straight "A's" and dated only the captain of the cheerleader squad and once dated her, you start in with, "who was that, an old lover?" "I bet he satisfied you in bed like a stud horse!" "Why does he still know you?" "Why did you speak to him?" " "I see. I see it all too clear now." "You want to run off with "John" and make me look like a fool." You see what I have laid-out for you? Who cares if "Johnny Steele" can raise the dead. She is your girlfriend, act confident. Do not let guys like this intimidate you. Besides he is now a priest and has a big following in Boston.
YOU GAZE INTO HER EYES way too much. Sometimes it is very romantic to gaze into a pretty girl's eyes over a candlelight dinner, but not while she is "doing her business" on the commode. What are you, an idiot? And when you are driving, you glance toward her so much it gives her a nervous twitch afraid you are going to wreck. Hey, look at her occasionally, not all time, on dates and you will have her for a long time.
And to all of the "Gilberts" in our readership . . . .
"Happy Valentine's Day," Sincerely, Kenneth
Guys, time to get real.
Did you lose a girl by doing any of the ten things in this story?See results without voting
This "hunk" is Matthew Maconahay
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