10 Things That Can Ruin The Best of Romantic Picnics
What a great day
If there were such a thing as "the perfect day," you have found it, my friend. You must have done everything right. You are one who has dotted all of his "I's" and crossed all of his "T's." Even Karma is afraid of you. To top if off, it is mid-June, summer is here and you have this smoking-hot girlfriend who is the president of a highly-sucessful bank in your hometown.
Life is good.
You are to the point of actually worrying about things being so good in your life afraid that it will crash all around you like a "house of cards." But then you have this terrific idea. You will surprise your amazingly-gorgeous girlfriend and take her on a good, old-fashioned picnic just like couples did in the olden days.
Without as much as a mild question, your girlfriend jumps on this opportunity.
"You are so sweet," she says. "Only you could think of something so unique and perfect."
Can it get any better?
She says this because since you have known her, you have taken her to uptown posh restaurants, the opera, ballet, two-week cruises, and given her a boxcar full of lavish gifts. It was great timing to have a picnic with her.
But look out, my trusted friend. You are not Superman. There is some kryptonite in your near future. And it is called . . .
10 Things That Can Ruin The Most-Romantic of Picnics
1.) TOM JONES -- famous retired singing-idol just happens to be getting in his rowing exercise in the small lake near where you and your girlfriend are getting ready to have a great romantic picnic. Jones brings his boat up to the shore and your girlfriend almost goes nuts. She has adored Jones since she was eleven. Jones is flattered at her waving and squealing at him, so he sidles over, sits down cross-legged and begins to talk mostly to her, not you. Your girlfriend lays on her stomach and fixes her eyes on him telltale after tale of his life as a singer whom his fans worshipped. Face it. The day is shot. The mood is gone. You just wish Tom Jones was gone also.
2.) WHILE SITTING DOWN -- on the blanket to enjoy the food, your girlfriend is suddenly stung by an angry honeybee who was feasting on the wild flowers. Now it's off to the emergency room for you two.
3.) WHILE CARRYING THE PICNIC BASKET -- you are blinded by the noon-day sun and run into a small Oak tree sending you to the hard ground causing a big red scrape to appear on your face. You need your girlfriend's sympathy, but she chastises you for hurting a young Oak sapling.
4.) YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S STOMACH -- doesn't feel just right and she has to get you to take her back 20 miles to the "one' country store you passed so she can visit the ladies room and empty her stomach.
5.) WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS A -- friendly pup, ends up biting you on the right leg and almost tears your arm off in an awful display of anger. Now before you two eat lunch, your girlfriend has to rush you to the emergency room, but Tom Jones, who hasn't left yet, keeps your girlfriend company sitting with her in the front seat and his presence gives her moral support while your shin is now swelled bigger than a life raft.
6.) WHEN YOU THREE -- return from the emergency room, Tom Jones finally leaves and you couldn't be happier. Now it's time for some intimacy with your girl friend. But you do not watch where you are going to sit and you end up (no pun intended) with your butt in the biggest fire anthill you have ever seen.
7.) YOUR GIRLFRIEND NOW -- gets upset at noticing a runner in her pantyhose while she is preparing a plate of good food for you. You laugh and ask, "Sweetie, why would a woman wear pantyhose on such a hot day?" This further infuriates her and she stomps off in anger yelling, "You are such a dork. You don't understand women like Tom Jones!"
8.) NOW THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND -- is over her anger, you and her start to eat the fine food in the picnic basket that by the grace of God, is not ruined, and before you know it, two rough necks stumble up to where you two are about to eat. Once again you are totally-ignored by your girlfriend and these two rough necks who are "talking up a storm." You clear your throat as a signal for the rough necks to leave. This action embarasses your girlfriend into tongue lashing you in front of them because they are two of her close male friends who went to college with her.
9.) THE AREA PARK RANGER -- walks up to your picnic area and asks for your identification. You and your girlfriend hand him the proper identification and he asks you where is your permit to have a picnic in this place. You did not see the broze plaque telling you that this area is on the list of Federal Landmarks and there is no trespassing at any time. Well, now you are out $155.00 for the ticket the ranger gives you. Plus you are out $200.00 for both you and your girlfriend's visits to the emergency room miles away.
10.) FINALLY, PEACE AND QUIET -- and no one or nothing to bother you two as the afternoon is fading into early evening. You are famished so you tear-off a chunk of drumstick and then while trying to swallow, the chicken gets stuck in your throat.
But you do not complain. You simply hand your girlfriend your credit card and you two head for the same emergency room miles away. So what's another hundred bucks?
At least Tom Jones is gone.
Time for Kim Novak and William Holden
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