10 Things a Woman Can Do With High Heels

Her man loves her in heels

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This is a heel-designer. He is "tuning" the heels for models who will be in a fashion show

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Heels look good even if a woman's back is turned

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Hello

(Writer’s note: This is lovingly-dedicated to the literary genius, author and Gonzo journalist, Hunter S Thompson. May your memories and stories live on forever in the hard drives on our desks. Kenneth).

All of this time you thought that women, those lovely, savvy, divine creatures only wore high heels on nights they wanted to go out. We men actually bought into this image. It was fun. And now it feels really foolish on our part to be this vulnerable to visual propaganda.

Women across the free world, and maybe in third world countries, after their romp with their male dates that lasted into all hours of the morning, would sneak into their apartments, slip-off their high heels and laugh like horses at how easy it was to make men believe that there are only one use for high heels.

Can’t you see this happening?

Two gullible-men are strolling down a sidewalk on a sunny Saturday in springtime. Suddenly, in front of them steps a pretty lady exiting a store and she is wearing red heels. She is in a hurry. The men sense this for how her heels are clicking on the cement.

Wade: “Man, look at her go! And look at those heels!”

Thomas: “Yeah, she sure knows how to use them.”

Wade: “Use them? What do you mean?”

Thomas: “You know. “Just” to look pretty for her guy friend.”

Wade: “Whew. I thought you had uncovered some practical female secret, Thomas.”

Admit it, fellow gullible males. We couldn’t have seen it coming—with all of the fun we were having with our dates and wives. We just fell for the way our women folk looked in their high heels and that was that.

New page. Same story.

But our sweet ladies, bless their hearts, they counted us men out a wee-bit early. And I took advantage of their over-confident attitude and being slack in making sure that we were “down for the count,” by digging-in with my heels (oops, a pun), and dug or my dear life to find out some hidden-information that I had a gut-feeling was out there hiding 10 valuable secrets or in laymen’s terms . . .”10 Things a Woman Can Do With a Pair of High Heels.”

Vintage photo of two nightclub dancers resting their footsies from dancing, and high heels they are wearing

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If you love high heels . . .here are a few more images for you to view

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  1. Use them as self-defense weapons. Muggers have never felt so much pain as they would feel if they were smacked by an angry woman who used the heel of her left high heel to almost puncture his right eyeball.
  2. In moments of sheer-disgust as that of seeing a male acting like a jerk in pushing his girlfriend or wife around like she was a sparring partner for Floyd “Money” Meriweather, she can quickly remove her heels and with pinpoint accuracy, hit the bully anywhere on his unguarded body.
  3. If she is trapped in the desert, she can use the heels to dig for water. (Do not ask me to explain why this beautiful woman dressed in a black evening gown was trapped in a desert).
  4. A woman can use her high heels to fend-off angry wolves, dogs, cats, or even stupid guys who think that she is “easy.”
  5. Placing her high heels side-by-side with heels pointed outward in right and left direction, she has made a skeletal head of a cow, and this can be used to entertain young children if there are no toys around.
  6. She can also use her high heels as puppets by placing the high heels on a table with one hand in each heel and her on her knees talking for the heels—will be the “sure hit” of any child’s birthday party. (This has nothing to do with my previous hub: “Reviving The Children’s Birthday Clown Business).
  7. If the pretty owner of the high heels is on vacation in Ecuador, and sees a wild bull on the rampage headed for a group of children, she can quickly take her thin belt and tie each end to the heels of her high heels and swing them round and round over her head—can create an impromptu bolos when thrown will wrap itself around a bull’s ankles and he will fall to the ground.
  8. Before a woman leaves to go on a two-week cruise, she can hide a survival implement in her high heels--a small knife that she can use to cut the ropes used to tie her up by Al Quaeda kidnappers. Secret fact: Kidnappers seldom look inside a pretty woman’s high heels for they are like us American guys, gullible and stupid for not inspecting the high heels for sharp objects when they kidnapped the pretty woman from the cruise liner.
  9. If the woman wearing high heels is the owner of a purebred dog, and they are both marooned in the desert, she can use her high heels to carry water to her pet if he is weak from heat exhaustion.
  10. She can use her high heels to prance around on the edge of the highway if she is stranded to catch a ride back to town. Note: any woman would hate to using this cheap and sexist maneuver to get a ride, but like it is said, “A girl has to do what a girl has to do.”

Hunter, I hope you liked this.

Now for the main part of our show . . .

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Comments 14 comments

ria-majumdar profile image

ria-majumdar 2 years ago from Manipal

LOL!! Another use of high heels (the stiletto kind) - you can pretend you are unstable and have a handsome man catch you as you fall. Okay, I have never seen that happen outside of movies but I think someone must have used that manoeuvre somewhere.

Thanks for the laugh. :)


Kenneth Avery 2 years ago

Hi, ria,

I am so glad that you laughed at something I wrote. Thanks for your kind remarks and hopefully, in the future, I can find more uses for women's shoes.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

I've never liked wearing high heels, but your hub gave me an idea. I should carry a pair around to use as weapons. Think about it. You don't need to fill out an application for a permit and go through a background check to own and carry a pair of high heeled shoes.


savvydating profile image

savvydating 2 years ago

Ha, ha! Not only are my heels sexy, they're also something I absolutely need for survival purposes. Who knew? Now every woman can feel justified in spending a little extra for those perfect heels. After all, we wouldn't want our pointy "weapon" to snap off just when we need it the most.

Honestly, this piece is so funny! " I loved tip #8, "...she can hide a survival implement in her high heels--a small knife that she can use to cut the ropes used to tie her up by Al Quaeda kidnappers." Lordy, let's hope it never comes to that.

Up & Funny (as all get-out).


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, sheilamyers,

Thanks for your comment. I appreciate your input so much. Who knew a few yeas ago that high heels were a lot more than just shoes? Wow! We learn so much just by watching and remembering.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, savvydating,

You are correct on every point you made. Yes, spending a little more for perfect heels may give you a few more days to shop for heels.

And dear friend, savvy, if you are planning to go out of the country on vacation, but not on a cruise, do put a small penknife inside your heels, because rumor has it that Mexican banana farmers are notorious for kidnapping women in heels to help them pick their harvest, so take care of yourself.


MelissaBarrett profile image

MelissaBarrett 2 years ago

I fend off wild animals with my high-heels all the time :)


LisaRoppolo profile image

LisaRoppolo 2 years ago from Joliet, IL

Omg funny article! Honestly, I think the original idea by the fashion industry was to create high heels because it helps "elongate" the leg, but then they just started getting ridiculous with how high they were willing to make them. I can't do it. I like moderate or low heels sometimes, but only on special occasions. The human foot was not meant to conform to that shape!


grand old lady profile image

grand old lady 2 years ago from Philippines

I like the one about making the shoes look like a cow. Sort of an impromptu Picasso using the parts of a bike. And I like the lasso to trip the bull. Too bad I'm too old for heels and frankly, I don't miss em. Great hub:)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear grand old lady (who is still NOT old),

Thanks for your nice comment, but who said you were too old to wear heels?

I was always taught that we are only as old or young as we feel.

Be wild one day when no one is around and put on a pair of heels it might make you feel like laughing.

And come back to visit me often.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Lisa,

I agree with your thinking. When the industry went ridiculous, that is when women's heels started looking awkward.

But still the fact remains. There is nothing I had rather do than to admire, JUST admire, women who love heels walk around malls and stores and give the appearance that they were born with those heels on when they came into the world.

But that is just one guy's opinion.

Come back often.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Melissa,

Cudo's and accolades to you for your comment. Humorous and made me chuckle. Thanks, sweet friend, for being so comical.

And do visit with me again.


Mary Guimont profile image

Mary Guimont 2 years ago from Longview, Washington

Great article!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Thank YOU, dear Mary, for your nice comment. Take care and be blessed.

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