10 Ways to keep the little woman happy!

The happiest day of my life..... erm... up to that point!  Every day since then has, of course, gotten progressively happier!
The happiest day of my life..... erm... up to that point! Every day since then has, of course, gotten progressively happier!
She won't want other people thinking she's a dominatrix!
She won't want other people thinking she's a dominatrix!
Don't be TOO good in the kitchen!
Don't be TOO good in the kitchen!
They're a girls best friend!
They're a girls best friend!
Buy her lingerie and she might suspect you're kinky!
Buy her lingerie and she might suspect you're kinky!
All her dresses are beautiful.... really they are!
All her dresses are beautiful.... really they are!
Remember... NO younger women are as beautiful as..... as..... wow! she's cute.... erm... as your wife!
Remember... NO younger women are as beautiful as..... as..... wow! she's cute.... erm... as your wife!
She'll NEVER forget ANYTHING!
She'll NEVER forget ANYTHING!

Advice for Husbands.

 

This hub doesn’t require much explanation. It’s simply a list for husbands/partners on how to stay on the right side of your loved one.

 

1. Never, EVER refer to her as ‘the little woman”.  (She won’t be reading this, so I may have gotten away with the title!)  Also never use, within her earshot, the term “she who must be obeyed”, even if it’s true. It suggests to others that you consider her to be domineering, and that you are hen-pecked. She may LIKE things to be that way, but she sure as hell won’t want others to think that you’re pussy-whipped.

An acceptable term of endearment would be “my better half”, or “my reason to exist”.

 

2. Offer to cook for her frequently. Every woman enjoys being pampered, and few things say “I love you and care for you” as effectively as a nice home-cooked meal. It’s precisely because it requires effort that she appreciates it. Of course, you don’t want to be getting into the habit of cooking all the time… God forbid…. So the secret is, don’t be too GOOD at the cooking! First time out, leave the potatoes slightly undercooked. Next time, make the gravy lumpy, or maybe soggy vegetables.  It’s easy to get things slightly wrong and make it look like a frustrating accident. It won’t be long before she starts to suggest that YOU should relax, and she’ll make the dinner.

 

3. Buy her presents, frequently. No matter how much she tells you “It’s the thought that goes into the gift that really matters”, never make it a cheap gift, because what she really means is “If you thought about me enough, you wouldn’t buy me crap!”. Diamonds may well be a girl’s best friend, but so are shoes, dresses, coats, underwear. If you decide upon the underwear, be careful. If it’s too scandalous, she’ll suspect that you’re harbouring sexual fantasies that you haven’t discussed with her. (Save such unsavoury items for your mistress!)

 

4. Don’t have a mistress!

 

5. Never, EVER tell her that she reminds you of her mother. At some stage of your relationship, you will have told her that her mother is too interfering, too possessive, too old-fashioned…. And, trust me, SHE will remember that you said it! There’ll also be lots of things about her mother that SHE doesn’t like. That’s just the way it is with mothers and daughters, so making the comparison isn’t usually a wise thing to do.

 

6. Never tell her that she reminds you of YOUR mother. When you think deeply about it… that’s just plain sick!

 

7. No matter what she dresses in to go out for an evening, NEVER tell her she doesn’t look well. The answer to the question “Does this look well on me?” is ALWAYS yes! Heaven help the man who speaks the truth. Think it through. If she didn’t think she looked great in the outfit…SHE WOULDN’T BE WEARING IT!  All she really wants is affirmation that she has fabulous dress sense! Never use the cheesy response “You look good in everything!”. It’ll make her think that you don’t care what she wears, or that you don’t appreciate the effort she goes to.

 

 

 

8. Never pay attention to younger women.  Your wife, like all women, has a thing about aging.  Even at 20, she’ll be secretly hissing and spitting at 18 year olds for being more youthful. If you must look at younger, attractive women (and I suspect you must!) be discreet. Tell her frequently “I don’t know why you bother with those wrinkle creams and moisturizers. You look as young and beautiful today as the first day I met you.”  Compliments are always acceptable.

 

9. Remember that women are like elephants. They NEVER forget, so be very careful during arguments. It might seem appropriate in the heat of the moment to say “Jesus, I’ve never gone out with anyone who is so moody!”, but you will never be allowed to forget saying it. It’s wrong on so many levels. Firstly, you’re suggesting that she’s moody, which you should never do, even if she is, and what woman isn’t? Secondly, you’ve alluded to the fact that other women have more even tempers than her. Not a nice comparison. Thirdly, you’ve alluded to previous relationships. Yes, of course she knows you had them, but what woman wants to be reminded of them? Such stupid remarks will haunt you forever.

 

10. Never, EVER, EVER forget her birthday, your ‘first-date’ anniversary, your wedding anniversary, the colour of her eyes, the first time you made love, the presents she has bought you….. etc….etc….. like I said, SHE will forget NOTHING! And as sure as the Pope is a Catholic, some day she will test you on all these things. Especially if you are irritating her, and she needs a reason to pounce! “Darling,” she’ll ask innocently, “What colour would you say my eyes are?” and she’ll keep her eyes averted to prevent you from cheating. Get it even slightly wrong, and the wrath of all the heavens will befall you. “You never look at me any more! You don’t love me anymore! You never pay attention to me!” 

 

Of course, my relationship with my beautiful wife is perfect, so I don’t really need a list like this, but I just thought I’d present it anyway, for all you other poor suckers!

More by this Author

  • The Parrot - A Short Story
    1

      Peter bought a parrot. A pretty little parrot. Polly had been the pet parrot of Patrick and Patricia Pendleton, but Patrick had gotten rid of the bird shortly after the sudden passing of his wife.   ...

  • The Rescue.  A Short Story.
    6

      It was two weeks before Christmas, and Lydia and Lauren couldn’t contain their excitement. For the first time ever, both were playing leading roles in the School Christmas show. Sheila felt at least...

  • Confessions of a Cross-Dresser!
    6

    I was about 8 years old the first time I wore a skirt. To tell you the truth, it didn't even cause me a dilemma. I did it voluntarily. There was an excitement about it that made it an easy step to take. There was no...


Comments 13 comments

Valerie Cahill 5 years ago

Ha! Very funny yet your top ten tip list has only begun, a little amateurish...wait for the baby blues...!LOL!


wandererh profile image

wandererh 5 years ago from Singapore

I don't need this list either 'cause...thank God... I'm not married. :)


Thatguypk profile image

Thatguypk 5 years ago Author

Hi Val.... I'll probably do a new list after the bambino has arrived. :-)

Wandererh... take heed, it'll happen someday, if not in marriage, well at least in a steady relationship. The same rules apply. :-)


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

Ah well. I,m glad I,m single. Life is so much more simple that way.


Thatguypk profile image

Thatguypk 5 years ago Author

I'm assuming that you mean single as "not married", but none of us are really single. We may not have spouses, but we have friends and family, without whom life would be less colourful and satisfying. I doubt if you're friendless, Christopher.... you're far too funny, sociable and perceptive for someone who exits in solitary confinement! :-)


SteveMacken profile image

SteveMacken 5 years ago from Galway, Ireland.

Very good advice, particularly number ten but I'd like to add a caveat from experience.

If you ever decide to take your wife away on a trip TO CELEBRATE HER (enter event here) and the sole purpose of the trip is TO CELEBRATE HER (enter event here), be sure to wish her a happy (enter event here) on the day of the event or you risk being accused of forgetting the event. Yes, the very same event that you had taken her away for... I kid you not!

Voted up, very useful and funny...


THAT Mary Ann 5 years ago

With this list, your marriage should be humming along nicely...assuming you follow it. Lots of good insight here...but don't forget the big one, " Always treat her as your equal partner."


Fay Paxton 5 years ago

I agree with That Mary Ann. In fact, I think you should start a school. :)

up/very useful, funny and awesome


Meike White 5 years ago

PK, I just love this!


Angie Jardine profile image

Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

Hmm, think you have thought of everything here, PK ... may just phone your wife and ask her to check this hub over.

Evil is my middle name ... :-)


Thatguypk profile image

Thatguypk 5 years ago Author

Thank you Meike! :-)

You can't phone my wife Angie. I keep her locked in the attic, chained to the wall, and she's only released for morning exercise, toilet breaks and for love-making in February. She has no access to a telephone, or to the internet. I have chained her close to a window so that she gets plenty of fresh air and sunlight, which I thought was very considerate. Our Swedish maid feeds her 3 times a day, and reads to her in the evening, so she isn't starved of intellect either.

I have found that keeping her in this manner keeps her obedient and controllable. If she continues to behave, I may let her visit her mother in the cellar on her birthday! :-)


Angie Jardine profile image

Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

Ha -ha ... very cute, PK.


d.william profile image

d.william 5 years ago from Somewhere in the south

This is hilarious. I laughed all the way through it. And your remarks to Angie, were even funnier. Wonderfully entertaining article. Look forward to reading more.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working