14 Reasons Why Jessica Alba and I Can Never Be a Couple
She can be a girly girl, ultra-feminine, giggly, and cute. She can the “Hollywood heart-breaker,” able to master any role handed her in any film, mystery or romantic. She can even be a very-successful business woman owning and operating her own earth-friendly cleaning products.
Jessica Alba, the naturally-talented, brown-eyed “bomb shell,” who stole our hearts with her role as “Max,” on television’s “Dark Angel,” the emotion-free, stealthy, nimble female hero dressed in black. “Dark Angel,” co-starred a young Michael Weatherly (“Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS), who secretly loves her so deeply that he cannot see clearly.
Michael, you are not the only one at one time felt that way. At one time, I was seriously in-love with Jessica too.
SO I WAS WEAK
Just my opinion, as in the same category as another “love,” of mine, Teri Hatcher, whom I used to think was the perfect female celebrity, I realized I was wrong about thinking this of her. That description I gave to Jessica Alba and felt good about myself for performing that noble gesture. Jessica, always the demure, humble and sweet girl that she is, was moved.
Oh, how I felt the “dagger of guilt,” stick me in the heart all of the times when I would get totally-involved in “Dark Angel,” and her many hair-raising adventures and all the while Teri Hatcher, a very alluring woman and played the ideal “Lois Lane,” in “The Adventures of Lois and Clark,” that co-starred, Dean Cain, of course as young “Clark Kent,” a/k/a Super-man. I just knew that Teri’s heart would be shattered if she were to find out that I was secretly in love with Jessica Alba and not her. Then, like a fast train running late down the Eastern Seaboard, it hit me. Teri started doing television ads for Radio Shack with former Oakland Raider, and NFL analyst, Howie Long, and as muscular and manly as Howie is, well, he might take Teri’s mind off of me.
TIME TO MAKE MY MOVE
Life was beginning to be good. I started getting deeper in-love with Jessica and Teri and Howie were quite the sales team on television, so the coast was clear for me to contact Jessica with one of my searing, steamy, and highly-romantic, love letters and just “put it all on the table,” to make her happy and get my feelings for her out in the open.
My letter covered six pages front and back and all in long-hand incursive—quite a “labor of patience,” not a “labor of love.” I was proud of myself. How could I fail with pouring all of my feelings for Jessica Alba out in my letter? Some love expert said in an issue of Cosmopolitan said that most girls love it when men do things in the old-fashioned way.
In the next two days after mailing Jessica my sonnet-like love letter, she called me. Boy, was I surprised. I was speechless. I remember my throat closing and making me choke as if I had accidentally-swallowed an entire burrito. Not an easy thing to do, I tell you.
Jessica had adorned most big magazine covers
Guys, I put these images of Jessica Alba here for you. And YOU can have her with my blessings
I mean, I had just gotten-over Erin Andrews, the super-sexy sportscaster for FOX Sports, because this girl I found out was not in my league when it came to things like grilling meat over a home-made barbecue pit and other manly things.
My friends, I was absolutely-shocked at the eye-opening revelation I received after I talked to Jessica for exactly two and a half hours. I learned the hard way there are . . .
“14 Reasons Why Jessica Alba and I Can Never Be a Couple”
14. Jessica has this deep and longing stare when people talk to her, so I deduced that if we were out on the town, I would never hear her voice for her staring at me with those deep brown eyes. Or maybe she is so unapproachable that I would be told to “get lost,” by this mega-talented female star.
13. Jessica admitted to me that she has never had to pump her own gasoline when she drives around shopping and doing errands. I couldn’t be happy with her because every hot girl should know how to pump their own gasoline. Heck, even Erin Andrews knows how to do that.
12. Jessica said that she is allergic to cats. She told me this again when I told her that I own three cats. Who did she think she was fooling? I know a rejection when I hear one.
11. Jessica sobbed with pain when I told her that one of the main outdoor events around my hometown is deer hunting. But I thought she would cheer up if I told her that I wasn’t a deer hunter, but she only sobbed more and painfully replied, “Yeah, but you live in a place that condones the taking of deer lives.”
10. When she and I were talking about sports, I non-shalauntly asked her, “Jessica, do you like our team, the Alabama Crimson Tide?” A short silence passed. Then she said, “Uhh, no, Kenneth. I do not like swimming from the beach. The tide always soaks my pretty hair.” So self-centered and conceited.
9. Jessica’s attention span is as long as my eight-year-old granddaughter. I told her some rather sensitive and confidential feelings about myself and after ten minutes, she only said, “What?” So how does she pay attention to all of that dialogue she has to memorize for her films?
8. She hit the roof when I told her that I like to go fishing, but I do not keep the fish. I throw them back. “Oh, you killer! I cannot stand to see an innocent fish hurt!” So that tells me she is not into seafood. The sad thing is, I am.
7. Jessica told me that one of her favorite past times is to sit alone in her lavish apartment and read French poetry out loud. “I like poetry,” I gushed. “But do you speak French?” she asked. I answered her with a painful “no.” “Then you would not have a good time with me,” she stated and awaited my next piece of conversation.
6. Jessica Alba, the super-star talent of film and stage does NOT know how to cook lasagna, which is one of my favorite foods.
5. She did have the gall to ask me how much I weighed and when I told her the honest truth, she said, “Sorry, Ken, the men in my life do not weigh above a hundred pounds.” So I feel that she is a “Weight Bully,” and is very standoff-ish about people like me who are a bit overweight.
4. Jessica Alba, the “darling of the film industry,” does not know anything about parched peanuts.
3. Jessica is very confused about other sports besides football. When I started talking to her about “Curling,” she laughed and said that she might love that sport—to watch pretty girls compete in hair-curling contests. Boy, did I hear “my train-a coming.”
2. “What are your favorite television shows, Jessica?” I asked hoping to make some progress with her. She answered, “Oh, I do not own a television. I think those thingee’s are works of the devil.”
But what really “sealed the deal” for me to not desire Jessica Alba anymore was . . .
Jessica Alba does NOT know the first thing about hog-calling.
And you wonder why so many men adore this girl.
More by this Author
Southern belles are special. And I know how to get a date with them.
(Just) talking about meddlers and busy bodies is not enough. It is time I did something about them.
Fake, real, or just another television show?