Ok..thirty and single. Part 1.


 So I'm thirty. A huge scary figure that now means your nice and crazy twenties are over. Is it so? I don't know. The world did not turn over, no nuclear explosions, no other extraordinary events on the day. Sun, sky, the same tube problems with "mind the gap" - everything stayed the same. Nobody, even guys from neighbouring office seemed not to notice that big change in my life.

Another thing - I'm single. And it was the very first birthday I celebrated being officially single, not attached to anyone in any way. May sound very strange, but I both hated it and loved it, at the same time. Hated for not having somebody's shoulder to lean on. Loved it, because I was free to do whatever I want.

Even more, what I'm doing now is writing about it. If someone told me about 5 years ago this would be the case, I would have definitely told him to consult whoever advises him on mental health. Immediatelly.

Before you read any further, please keep in mind - these are my experiences. Funny as they may be, sad as they may be, but they are real life stories. My life stories. No lies, no exaggeration - so please do not make judgements. We all have our own lessons to learn, our own lives to live. I just hope that I'm not alone who's going through all of this.

So ok, I'm thirty and single. One part of me likes that, the other one hates it. Somewhere deep in my heart I know it would be nice to have somebody besides me, but that "deep of my heart" is also dead afraid of any committments.

A bit of background: I came out of a very unsuccessful relationship involving lots of emotional and physical violence just half a year ago. Never thought something like that - somebody raising his hand on me, repeatedly - could ever happen to someone like myself, but it did. Incredibly, I endured it for quite a while and I even started thinking this is life and that it's the way life goes. Now, after 6 months after I finally ran away from him, I do not think that way anymore. But I finally admit domestic violence exists. I know it exists, though before that relationship it was only something happening to "silly other women, who I am not". And believe me, it's not easy to get out of the claws of violent partner, who's also an alcoholic and into drugs. Whatever the police, women's protection organisations say - eventually you are left alone, and it's you, you and only YOU, who must cope with it. Alone. Otherwise you are dead - sooner or later, emotionally or physically. Or both.

And there is a life out there, this I know now for sure.

So, end of phylosophies and back to the core - committments are scary, but also nice. Nice slightly outweights scary, and that's why I started going out again, with a slight hope to find that special one. Clubs, pubs, restaurants, parties every weekend...

Not finding that special one now does not bother me so much. What does though is that during about 3 months of going out I still did not see anyone who would capture my attention at least. As my heart is totally free and should be quite responsive, starting to date someone should not be a problem. But it appears to be the opposite.

Selfish, egocentric and bitchy attitude, isn't it? "oh I can't find anyone who I'd like, I can't choose, how unhappy I am...". That's what people think when I talk to them about it. And that is one of the reasons I started writing here.

A bit of background again: I'm awfully (in the very extreme of this word) tall, and I love high heels. Totals about 6'4" altogether. Size 10, though not skinny. Long hair, blue eyes, attractive face, look about 4-5 years younger than my age. To cut this short, I get a lot of attention from men (thank you), and turn heads. Everyone simply assumes I CAN'T be single. Why - ?

So again, egocentric thoughts of a spoilt little girl? It's for you to deliver a verdict on this.

And it's also your decision whether to read on to Part 2 - about seduction and introduction. With lots of WHY's for guys.

Comments 23 comments

dave272727 profile image

dave272727 6 years ago from Kentucky

Too bad on on the wrong side of the pond.... And married. Nice story. I am getting ready to read the rest!!

Black Lilly profile image

Black Lilly 6 years ago from London Author

It only gets worse, trust me...especially if you're already committed ;)

logic,commonsense 6 years ago

It sounds like your confidence in yourself is growing by leaps and bounds!

Black Lilly profile image

Black Lilly 6 years ago from London Author

I'm just very, very honest...

logic,commonsense 6 years ago

Lots of people can not handle that. I find it refreshing!

Black Lilly profile image

Black Lilly 6 years ago from London Author

Can not handle what?

logic,commonsense 6 years ago


Jonathan Janco profile image

Jonathan Janco 6 years ago from Southport, CT

Powerful hub, Lilly. I'm sorry for what you went through with your ex. It took me several yrs to get my mother out of an abusive relationship, so I know how hard that can be. Best of luck in your future conquests. Can't wait to read the rest of the series.

Black Lilly profile image

Black Lilly 6 years ago from London Author

It may be hard to believe, but if I meet my ex some time in the future (hope not), I would thank him for all that. He does not know what gift he gave me.

Sarah Horth profile image

Sarah Horth 6 years ago from Seattle

Hey Lilly - love the hub, good on your for getting out. I found myself 38 and single after finding my partner cheating on me, and after a while tired of not meeting any appropriate men, I tired online - with great success. It's a numbers game I guess. So if you don't meet anyone nice, I can really recommend it!

Looking forward to your next hub!

Rik Ravado profile image

Rik Ravado 6 years ago from England

Lilly a great read - Welcome to hubPages. I recommend you use the GROUP facility. You can then arrange your sequence of hubs in order and HubPages will insert forward and backlinks at the bottom of each hub so your readers can find the next hub more easily.

Black Lilly profile image

Black Lilly 6 years ago from London Author

Thanks Rik, grouping done ;)

Rik Ravado profile image

Rik Ravado 6 years ago from England

Lilly - thats great. Makes it easier for the reader to navigate. Suggest you check the sequence is correct within the Group so readers can step from part 1 to part 2 etc.

prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

hmm, hi!

youre a brave girl, coming out and telling your story, at least youre not with that guy anymore who physically hurt you! Just take your time and things will be good for you, as they say things always happen for a reason,

I will be following your story,

Justine76 6 years ago

hey, I'll be back to read the rest. Had to take a break, this is ggod and I hope its helping.

ryankett 6 years ago

Hey, good hub, Rod Stewart likes tall girls.... do you like ageing (but rich) rockers?

Black Lilly profile image

Black Lilly 6 years ago from London Author

I like anyone who sets my mind and body on fire (not literally though) :)

Rob in Las Vegas profile image

Rob in Las Vegas 6 years ago from Las Vegas

Hey. I'm in my thirties and dating. I know how it is out there. I have my frustrations in my current situation and all I know is writing about it helps. Check out my hub please!

Black Lilly profile image

Black Lilly 6 years ago from London Author

Frustrations? Writing helps?! Well, we might just be in two different worlds then, because I'm enjoying it, a lot.

Hookah profile image

Hookah 6 years ago from Kentucky

Great hub and wonderfully written.

Pacal Votan 6 years ago

Great personal hub, Lilly. I'm somewhat like you had been before your last partner. I have no clue why women stay in violent relationships even when they could walk away. I'm guessing it's just that life has yet to teach me some lessons I haven't learned yet. Although, I don't think women are very mysterious, this is something I don't get about them.

And you are not whiny, you are just a nice real person. ;)

Disturbia profile image

Disturbia 6 years ago

30 and single... you've got it made in the shade girl.

no one 3 years ago

There used to be another hubpage for the guys who are 30- year old virgins could talk, but someone somewhere got angry and deleted it. I just wish I could stop this online drifting, trying to find a place where I can talk anonymously, without having to register to make a comment. I guess guys like me really are the freaks, an embarrassment to society and that society feels the need to lock us away, throw away the key, and forget we ever existed. Why can't we 30+ year old virgin guys meet up with these 30+ year old virgin girls? Oh wait that's society's newest taboo, and these women (at least in my mind) are missing out on the best sex they will ever have.

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