Thirty and single. Part 5 - ice and fire.
Ice and fire. Red and black. Love and hate, so close to each other...
I should've called these hubs something like "confessions of a dating-holic". One thing I really know for sure - men means problems in your life, but there's NO life without men. Thirty - and I finally admit it. Tried to think I can be strong like a rock, but gave up on that. To feel good I need a men (man) around, and this is it.
Women are like flowers, and men are like water. So let's change the water frequently enough in order to make flowers stay alive... This was told me by one guy, a guest at my 21st birthday I think. He also said something like "I need to be unfaithful to remain faithful".
Background: when I was 16, I dated a 25 year old guy. That seemed to be way out of my league - he was so different. Then, at about 20, most of my dates were between 40-45, some of them married, some divorced, some did not know how to call themselves yet. And I was not hunting for a rich daddy, I just felt all right with this age gap. Dating someone of my own age? What should I talk about with them? They seemed to be so stupid, and I always wanted a man to be more mature, more clever than myself. This remains, and I think will remain unchanged.
When I date someone, I want to get past all of his "defenses", straight to the core. I want to see who he really is, not who he wants to be - results are surprising most of the times. I want him to talk, to tell me his worries, to feel comfortable enough with me to admit he's not perfect. Men need that, and when someone gives them simple human conversation, that mostly leads to a feeling or a strong crush from their side. Men reveal lots of secrets then ;) And me - I'm really interested in those interpersonal relationship things.
For a man this is like having a buddy in a mini. I don't bring beer or slippers, and require lots of attention, but this is not so important, is it? ;) I like that no-nonsense attitude men have. And I really enjoy just sitting in a bar and discussing what he likes in other women around, who looks attractive, whom he would approach, why, etc. That was my favourite thing of all times ;)
There were many times when men asked me - what would you do if I go and talk to her. My response was always one - go, talk and watch what will happen yourself. Most of men only grinned and we kept on talking. A few of them went. As soon as they left, their place was taken by some other guy. Oops... Waiting for your chance (from Part 2) - remember?
Last time this thing happened to me was quite funny - guy just went to the toilet for literally 2 mins. Came back just to find there was someone else chatting me up. And now tell me - what would YOU do in such a situation? :D
He came and just made the competitor leave. Later on I found out he told him something like "get out, I was here first". I met that guy again :)
To those who (like 90% of people I tell this) think I'm just making it up - come with me to a club and then make conclusions. Am I a model or celebrity? Absoutely not. Can you do this? Are these things real? Yes. Read Part 4 about attraction.
I'm also not a psychologist and have made no scientific research on these subjects. In fact I used to read a lot about it, but it just came and left. What stayed in my head were real experiences from real people, real opinions and the things that really happened. Real facts about a mating game. Told you in the very first part, first sentence - what I'm writing about is MINE, from my heart and experience. Accept it or deny it, love or hate it - most of the times it will not leave you indifferent anyway.
To those who did not have questions discussed above there are a few points to consider from all of those stories. They are: challenge, contradiction, competition, conquest.
And this is something I'd really appreciate you to comment on.
Men love challenge. That's like feeling powerful due to overcoming hurdles, solving a problem or just... hunting down prey, just like in stone age. That's in your blood, favourite activity. I haven't met a man who would be truly happy being hunted down himself by a woman. Met a lot who were happy to hunt and get a "prize". Nowadays society puts a lot of pressure on that and, as women become hunters themselves, this gets quite confusing.
My advice for men - love it or hate it, again - GET OUT OF YOUR SHELLS AND START HUNTING YOURSELVES AGAIN.
Otherwise you start denying instincts that were here for millions of years and try to accept some concept that was here for what? 20 years at the most. As I wrote earlier, leave feminism to work matters and alike, but OBEY YOUR INSTINCTS when it comes to dating.
I had a male friend who has separated from his quite dominant girfriend a few months ago. We talked about that quite in depth and he admitted - I do not take initiative,though I'd like to. But why should I - she will do all the work anyway... And he was quite strong personality himself, city high-flyer. I could not tell him anything when I learned that he got back to her recently. No love. No interest. Just ... convenient.
And now for women: you can say anything about competition, it might be severe, but do you want to be in the position of this guy's girlfriend?
Kill me, I'd rather be a spinster with 3 cats!
Though I'm quite bold and aggressive, especially when it comes to work matters, but if I have to approach a guy in a bar/club just to get acquainted with him... Honestly - just the idea of this makes me want to throw up. It's either the guy approaches me, or... another guy approaches me. Call it my complex, call it whatever you like - even on internet dating sites I can not write to a man first and feel good about it.
I want to be conquered. I want to be your prey, men. I want to surrender my weapons, but only to the one who's worth it.
That's another variation of "fire under ice". Want to keep man's attention? Talk as if he does not matter to you, but make your eyes and body language shout the opposite.
Have you ever tried to play with a cat? Not kitten, but a lazy fat cat :D These animals have quite a good hunting instinct, especially when you play "cat and mouse". In order for a lazy creature to lift its tail from comfortly lying on your sofa, you need to make that mouse trigger its instincts. How you do it? You get it closer, then retreat, then again, get it close to its nose, tease a bit, then run away, etc.
I don't think I need further comment on that, do I? :D And men... tell me you don't enjoy that ;)
Men like to compete, basically for anything. It may be a better paid job, a faster car, a woman... That's a bit different aspect of challenge.
Something you can get easily is not interesting, not a challenge. And even if it is interesting, it's not valued enough. The harder you must try to get it, the higher value you attribute to it. That's the way human mind works, and there's no way round that.
Women often use sex as means of securing future attention. Yes, I admit that works, but somehow I can not do it this way myself. I just don't know how, honestly. The thing is that sex for me is a natural thing that I also need - something like eating, so why should I deprive myself of that?
Another thing is my heart. And in this sense I'm still a "virgin" - I've never been in love. Most of the times I tell a guy about this - no reason to hide it. There have been many demands (and I mean it - demands) to say those words "I love you". Because the other party could not wait any longer and did not want to admit his failure. But it still was a failure.
You can get my body, but try getting my heart... Challenge (how come she says I can't do it - of course I can!!!), contradiction (maybe I shouldn't.. but I want it), competition (that girl's going to see what means to date ME)... mmm... danger, adrenalin, but eventually a trap that men set for themselves, VOLUNTARILY - you don't need to move a finger.
My favourite words are "You will bring your heart to me on a silver plate. Wanna bet?".
In this case I am competing with a man. He hopes to be the conqueror, but I tell him I'm going to get him first. Try that - and enjoy the process, because if you met someone who's worth you, you'll both win. The outcome might be love - you'll just lose that competition element on the way there...
Competition can also be targeted at other men, and it actually makes you even more desirable "prize". Well, if others want that so much, there must be something about it, right? ;) Like that guy who went to a toilet for 2 mins... Pure instinct working there.
Whenever you feel like it, give in to him. I have been only close to this, but I never stepped over the line - it would mean I surrender my heart to him. So no huge expertise here ;)
Conquest is the last stage of the mating game. As described above, you might lose track of this "game" on the way and just be happy. You might go to the end. Whatever you choose, ENJOY the process.