5 Reasons Not to Get Back with Your Ex

Whilst browsing HubPages, I've seen a lot of hubs detailing ways to get your ex back, ways to make him love you again, how to use voodoo to force someone into loving you for eternity, etc. But ironically, not too many words about the opposite advice.

Sometimes, it's not a good idea to get your ex back. When you love someone, this is a hard decision to come to. Some find it impossible and go back to the same person over and over again. But I'm here to tell you this isn't always the best decision for you. Whether you're waiting for the one you lost to change (ahem, see below for that one) or you just can't stay away, here are the top 5 reasons why you should NOT get back with your ex.



1) It didn't work out in the first place for a reason.
Think about why you broke up. Think about all the problems you had with your ex. Did his inability to keep a job drive you crazy? Was it her incessant flirting with other guys, despite her love for you, that made you end it? Or maybe you just fought constantly over everything from dinner plans to whether or not Pluto is a planet.

When you're considering rekindling that flame with your ex lover, think about what set you over the edge. What made your relationship unfixable. Is that something you really want to go back to? Time makes us forget all the bad and only remember the good--but you did break up with your ex for a reason. Consider those reasons before crawling back.

Much less sexy when you're alone...
Much less sexy when you're alone...

2) Living in the past prevents you from moving on.
You may find yourself wanting your ex back because you're currently in a rut. You think back to the good times and wish they were still happening--you remember moonlit dinners, trips to the Cape, and now you're only making dessert for one instead of two (and it's much less gluttonous to eat chocolate cake with others). We all get stuck in the past every now and then, and while a little nostalgia can keep us going in the really bad times, thinking about what happened long ago is no good reason to get your ex back.

Moving on is often the best medicine after a break up. Dwelling on what's already happened will never move you forward in life--imagine if we as humans were never able to learn from our mistakes. We'd be doomed to make the same stupid mistake for the rest of our lives. If we decided to pick a spouse who didn't appreciate us, we'd be constantly picking that same type of person forever. Doesn't that just suck? Use your ability to learn from your mistakes to make your next relationship better and healthier than your last, instead of repeating your last mistake.

3) Sure some couples get back together and make it work, but how many examples are there?
You've seen it happen before. Your friend or cousin or best friend's bridesmaid's sister had a horrid break up, then she realized later that her ex was truly the one for her. And they got married in a huge ceremony and lived happily ever after. Good for them. But one example is not the norm--that's a huuuuge misnomer. And further, do you even know the details of why the example couple broke up in the first place? Maybe it was something silly. Or maybe they're just the exception.

Much more often, two people get back together and realize all those problems they had before haven't changed. He still doesn't respect her, and she still refuses to pay for anything. Those issues that caused your break up haven't changed. Nothing has changed. Getting back together usually only causes a rehash of why you broke up in the first place. Which then, leads to another break up.

4) People don't change.
I know this is a controversial topic, but I'm willing to put it out there. PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE. Sure, maybe your ex would be on her best behavior for a few weeks if you got back together; but deep down to the core, she's still that same woman who you couldn't make it work with. I promise you, the chances of your ex changing this time around are next to nil. Now, yes people have the capabilities to change--it's not an absolute. People can change their clothes, their hairstyle, even aspects of their personality. But change has to come from inside yourself (and even if you want to change, it is DARN hard).

Your ex will not change for you. Her personality, her bad habits, the way she truly is when nobody's watching, 99.9876% of the time those are traits people won't change. You are much better off finding a partner who you don't want to change. A good relationship starts when you accept the other person for who they are, when all the walls are down, when you've seen them at their best and worst, and you love them just the way they are.

5) Don't settle for somebody who couldn't keep you around in the first place.
Even if your ex was the one who initiated the break up and left you heartbroken, this main idea still applies. Either way, one of you wanted to break up and the other went along with it. There was something in your relationship that made it not work for one of you, so being with your ex wasn't exactly an ideal situation. So why should you settle for such a situation?

The bottom line is that there was a break up. Break up means something was wrong beyond the little annoyances. And all of this says that you can find someone better for you. Someone who won't want to break up with you, or who you won't want to break up with. Never settle or deny yourself future happiness. Even if you can't see it now, you will find someone else. You can find someone who treats you better than your ex did. But in order for that to happen, you have to move on and not get back together with your ex.

Break ups usually don't lead to marriage!
Break ups usually don't lead to marriage!

More by this Author


Comments 197 comments

M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 7 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Thanks for the feedback badcompany! Though it's not a very popular point of view, somebody has to put it out there :)


Ray the Hope profile image

Ray the Hope 7 years ago from Massachusetts

Well written and on the mark.


Wilz 7 years ago

Thanks so much..... very good points u have there.. will take note n learn from it. Cheers.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 7 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Glad you enjoyed it, Wilz! Thanks for stopping by.


Nicole Winter profile image

Nicole Winter 7 years ago from Chicago, IL

M. Rose: I love this hub! Fantastically written, you spoke out exactly what I feel whenever I read an article on how to "win" your ex back. They're your ex for a reason and usually they're not much of a prize. Keep up the great work!


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 7 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Thank you for the kind words Nicole :)

You're seriously right on about exes usually not being a prize....if they were, you'd still be together- right?


aefrancisco profile image

aefrancisco 6 years ago from somewhere down the road

Great hub!


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Thanks aefrancisco! And thank you for following me on here!


The dawwwg! 6 years ago

That was truly a great article. It has made me double think of getting back with my ex now. I was supposed to be going to the movies with her tonight as we kissed and made up 2 days ago. She went back to her natural ways of getting angry with me because I wanted to have dinner before and she didn't. Made me feel so much better reading this


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Glad I could help, The dawwwg! Good for you for moving on from your ex...never accept less than you deserve in a relationship. Thanks for your comment.


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 6 years ago from East Coast, United States

Great reasoning. Sometimes you leave a guy because he is a creep, a liar, or just trouble. Then, when he's gone you remember the good times. But was it worth it?


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Thanks Dolores! Exactly...after time, it's hard to remember all the bad or even the reason why you broke up in the first place. In this hub, I've tried to stress that most of the time, it isn't worth it! You and I are on the same page :)


Kerry43 6 years ago

Sending this to my daughter...thanks;)

Kez


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

You're welcome, Kez. Glad I could help! Thanks for stopping by.


DIONNA 6 years ago

I LOVE IT THANKS


Ioke 6 years ago

Thanks for sharing this...

But, how can I move on when the person I was dating for 3 years and was engaged to suddenly vanished. No phone calls, no emails, no texts, nothing (and he's still alive).


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Thanks, Dionna!

loke: I can imagine that would be extremely hard for you. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that he's gone (not in death, but in absence). I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, but moving on from him will be necessary in order for you to go forward in life. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of your relationship- one day, you'll find that you've moved on. Thank you for your comment.


Lucy 6 years ago

Thank-you so much for writing this. I broke up with my bf of four years two weeks ago and since have been obsessed (against the logic of my brain) with getting back with him- despite googling 'Is it a bad idea to get back with ex' many times- wading through thousands of articles telling you how to get him back etc etc was not what I needed to hear- I needed some reassurance that staying apart was the right thing! And finally seeing your article pointed everything out that I needed to read. Is the internet conspiring to get people back into unhappy relationships?


Ioke 6 years ago

I was going to comment on it when I realized that I've written before...Thank you for the reply. :)

I'm starting to realize that my ex (I'm calling him my ex now even though he never really broke up with me...) is not the most amazing person to walk on earth. I'm starting to learn to take him as he is...and whatever good that he did to me in the past, it was negated by his action of abandoning me during hard times. (And hard times, I mean just planning a wedding...).

It's been 2 months now and it feels like it's been 2 years already. And he has never once called or texted me. The initial shock is already gone but the question of WHY is still there. I guess I know why...but I'm hoping he could explain and apologize himself. But I guess once a jerk, always a jerk.

I still think about him...little reminders around the house and stuff that we used to share together like taking long walks or even when there's talk of weddings. But I just think of him as a person who passed away (a little freaky, but in a way I did grieve as though he suddenly died). I'm sorry that he's gone but I'm glad he was a part of my life.


Red_Apple 6 years ago

Thanks so much for this great webpage. It's going on 3 months since my ex broke up with me, and I must admit that I KNEW what you were saying was logical when I saw it weeks ago but the heart still remained stubborn. However, time has allowed me to step back from the situation to a certain extent. Rereading your website, I 'get it' now (brain and heart this time).

Each day, that stubborn bit of hoping for a reconciliation gets smaller and smaller. One day, I'll fully accept that I wouldn't want it even if the chance arose.

Thank you!


noorin profile image

noorin 6 years ago from Canada

Totally agree with all the tips, my favorite is "Living in the past prevents you from moving on." .. Rated it up and will be following you

Though my articles regarding relation ships are not as positive but feel free to check them out :

http://hubpages.com/literature/How-do-I-get-over-t

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Why-is-Tempting-...


Bella 6 years ago

Such an important article on the internet. After my ex and I broke up (it was mutual), I was in pain. I googled breakup on the internet and was inundated with "get ex back" sites. Even though I knew the breakup was for the best, the sites promoting "97% of all relationships can be saved!" made me question my decision.

Coming across your page was really good for me. There should be more sites like yours out there. =)


Kelly 6 years ago

This is such good informaion I was with my ex for a year and a half and he suddenly broke up with me. I didn't have a clue why as I thought everything was jus fine. I grieved for a whole year couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel and constantly missed him. We tried the whole friend thing massive mistake if anything it was like rubbing salt in a wound. A year passed and I still missed him everyday and suddenly out of the blue he asks for us to try again. Foolishly I said yes I thought it would work but it didn't I always had the worry of him dumping me again and I wondered why I was dumped in the first place. I never said anything but it was always there in my head. And guess what six months down the line he ends it again out of the blue no reason. Heartbroken is a under statement as I fell for him big time. I have soon come to terms that there is never going to be another chance and the only way to get over this is time and to keep busy and posotive. Your words are very true and very helpful it helps me to think im not the only one going through this and that there is light at the end of the tunnel and im starting to see it. Thank You


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

I'm seriously behind on comments for this one, so here goes.....

Lucy: What you found from googling is exactly why I wrote this! I noticed there was no good advice on why getting back with an ex is a BAD idea and felt that side needed to be heard. Stay strong, and I know better men will come in the future for you!

loke: It's SO great to hear that you're moving on! I know how hard it is when something is unresolved- it can drive you crazy. But thankfully, time heals most wounds and you'll find yourself thinking less and less about him as time goes on. Just know that it wasn't meant to work out for a reason....otherwise it would have worked. Best of luck to you, and thanks for the repeat visit!

Red_Apple: It takes time, doesn't it? You'll continue feeling better as each day passes, and I'm glad I could help in any way that I could. Thanks for your comment!

noorin: Thank you! I will check out your hubs as well.

Bella: Thank you for your kind words. It's good to see that you stuck to your guns, despite all the "get your ex back" webpages out there. You know what's best for you!

Kelly: So sorry to hear how hard your breakup has been. You're certainly not the only one who's struggled like this...we've all been there! Like you said, stay busy and be positive and good things will come to you. It will get better, just hang in there. There's something better out there for you!


Joe 6 years ago

Thank you M. Rose for a great article. Like others that have written in, I too, looked for such advice and was bombarded with 'how to get back with your ex' articles. They all seem to have the same recipe, no contact, make them miss you, etc. etc. In my situation, she broke it off and broke my heart. I didn't see the break up coming, and in contrast she was talking about how cute our children would be, and we even talked about what kind of wedding we would have. I felt that this whole idea of 'make them miss you' is misguided, as she had already decided to end the relationship long before I found out, so since she had already emotionally moved on, why would she miss what we had? (I hope this makes sense) And, what's to stop it from happening again even if we did get back together? If she doesn't change, then what she tells me and what she is thinking are two different things and open communication, trust, honesty, these are all essential (I feel) to a successful relationship. Thanks again! Joe


A Queen 6 years ago

after 2 months of dating my ex called possessive a jelous because I demanded that he stop talking to his 8years exgirlfrind and spent more quality time with me. It hurts because I really liked him. almost 2 weeks later he called me with some excuses. Than a week later heard that my son was sick and called again. Not sure if he is trying to get back together with me. I like him but although I am having hard time moving on, I know for sure that he is not right for me. Hopefully time will help me get over him and move on.

I think about him everyday but if I have been able to survive 3 weeks without him I hope I can do more...I need to keep strong...


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Joe: Sorry about your breakup, I completely agree with everything you wrote (especially that "make them miss you" doesn't work!). Honesty, open communication and trust are very important for a great relationship, and it sounds like you didn't have that with your ex. Move on and find a woman who will give you all of those! Thanks for your comment!

A Queen: Stay strong! You don't need a guy who's going to treat you that way...and it sounds like you've already figured that out (which is the hard part for a lot of people). Stick to your guns, you're doing a great job of moving on so far. It gets easier with time! Thanks for stopping by!


Abigail 6 years ago

...it's been 6 days since my "ex" told me that he still has feelings with the girl he courted before me. I feel so used and it kills me inside..we have been together in our relationship for 4 years. And I just could not believe how easy it is for him to put an end to our relationship. He said that he needed space to think things through.

Reading your hub made me stronger. I love him so much, but what he did to me was not right, I don't deserve to be treated that way. Thank you so much for giving me strength.


Suicidal Individual 6 years ago

Please place a disclaimer at the top of your article point people with suicidal tendencies to consider not reading your article. This article has strongly offended me with its pessimism and should warn broken and hurt people against reading it.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Abigail: You are so welcome, and I'm sorry to hear how you were treated. You must be hurting a lot after going through that, but it looks like you're already moving in the right direction--don't blame yourself, you do not deserve to be treated that way (as you said). Stay strong and keep your head up. Things will get better!

Individual: My apologies for offending you with this article, as it wasn't my intention. I wish you luck with your struggles and hope you feel better and stronger every day.


back on track 6 years ago

Great advise. Breaking up is harsh but after a while, you`ll figure out why exactly you and your ex should not be together anymore. Making up feels way better than breaking up, sure! But staying with the wrong person does not help ANYONE.

Choose your own life, your own path, and first and foremost, know what you deserve and NEVER, EVER, settle for less.

I think these 5 reasons are the best advise anyone can give you to move on after a break up.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Great words of wisdom from you, back on track! Maybe you should write an article about this topic too :) Thanks for your kind words and for stopping by.


billy 6 years ago

Thank You very much! I am quite confused in what I want and how I feel and this article opened my eyes for some issues to which I always close my eyes relentlessly.. I thought I have overcome the loss of my ex gf after more than 6 months, but today again I had a depressed time which was quite upsetting.


back on track 6 years ago

Hee Billy (sorry, had to respond, this sounded so familiar to me)

I know how you feel about to close your eyes to some issues you have to resolve, but just choose not to. At first, avoiding all contact, boxing all the stuff that reminds you of that special person, hiding pictures, cán actually be a good thing.

I think there are several stages you have to go through to move on.

At first, you need to accept the fact that the person you once loved is not in your life anymore. Wether it was by choice or not, that is the cruel but true fact. It`s okay to grief, that is the first stage. But it helps to plan for how long you will be grieving. Now, this sounds weird, but give yourself just about enough time to grieve, set a date when you want to stop grieving, and then stick to it.

The morning you wake up after this date, you will stick to the plan you set for yourself. Now the stage of healing is can start. Work on yourself. Be your own person. Keep in mind that how much this person you`ve been with has contributed to you being the person that you are today, you had al life before you met that person. You were a whole person.

Starting something new just for yourself can really help. Doesn`t really matter if it`s productive or anything. Just as long as it keeps you occupied and gives you a goal to live up to. In my case, I had to move out of my appartment anyways. Create your own little bubble of what yóu like!

Step 3 is to get out there again. After accepting the grief and healing, you can give yourself a new start. Don`t chase after a new partner or anything, enjoy everything. Wether it is walking outside, or eating that dish you like so much, even being around friends can be really different after a breakup. Appreciate what you have, are, and can be.

Now, when you come across your ex, wether it is on the net, or someone talks to you about your ex, or you discover some things in your house, you can keep yourself from falling into that black hole again. Of course, you can even feel sad from time to time, love is a sticky little sucker, and feelings from the past can linger for a long, long time. But never forget the process you`ve gone through. You don`t want to take that road again.

You have once loved, and you will love again. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but someday (how cliché) when you least expect it, love strikes you again.

Good luck Billy!


back on track 6 years ago

And listening to stupid I`m-só-getting-over-you songs, isn`t that stupid at all.

When you get to the point you are okay again. Listen to this song, over and over again: Alain Clark - Love is everywhere

Why? Because it is.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

billy: It's completely normal to have days where you feel depressed, long after a breakup happens. Don't be too hard on yourself when you regress. The important part is to wake up the next day and keep moving on with your life. Don't let one day (or even one week) make you fall back into the pattern of wanting your ex again. You're going through the normal process of moving on--keep at it and best of luck to you!

back on track: Again, great advice, and very true what you wrote. Thanks for stopping by again!


vicky 6 years ago

hello,

my boyfriend who i was living with for a year broke up with me last week. we argued a lot over everything and he didn't do anything around the house which really got on my nerves, plus he had no job.

when we broke up i was heartbroken even though i know he wasn't right for me at all.

now hes told me hes moving away tomorrow and i feel all sad again.

hes moving about two hours away and i feel asthough il never see him again, but im sure hel be back to see his mum now and then.

how do i stop feeling sad about this and get on with my life like i was doing before???x


cjcarter profile image

cjcarter 6 years ago

Wow my friend needs to read this haha. Good stuff.


kimmy 6 years ago

You know what's crazy..the whole "get him back" game is just that, a game. For 3 years now I've had a back and forth relationship w/ my ex. The intense highs and lows are exhausting. At the end of june I got broken up w/ once again. How many times can you let the same person hurt you over and over again? People really don't change. My ex's addictions always came before me..partying, drugs and alcohol were always first priority. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too..he wanted me when it was convienent for him. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and not answer to anyone. Selfish. He is a 28 yr old w/ a high school mentality. As much as I love him I had to put my foot down and walk away. He is still trying to play mind games and get me back but I have been firm and I refuse to give in. Point is even if you "get him back" he's still the same person he was before..if things didn't work out then why would they work out now? I've wasted 3 years of my life and I refuse to waste anymore time w/ someone who takes how I feel for them for granted and feels like he can walk in and out of my life whenever he feels like it. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy.


heartbroken 6 years ago

I have spent most of my night crying over sum1 I broke up with over a year ago!

I was with my ex for 5 years from the age of 16 to 21, he was my first love, forst everything! Although I now have a new boyfriend I find myself constantly thinkin about my ex, I know I'm still inlove with him and it hurts me so much!

My ex cheated on me on many occassions and I took him back, I ended it as I felt strong, and quickly regretted it.. After a week he was with sum1 else, moved in with her and they remain together,

I feel as tho I meant nothing to him, he didn't even try and fight for me and now he doesn't even spk to me!

5 years?! And I get nothing from him, I still think about him constantly checking his profile jus so I can no what's going on in his life!

I dnt know where to go from here?!


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

vicky: Completely normal what you're feeling. Even though your brain knows you're better off without him, your heart still feels for him. Maybe the distance will be good for you...if he's further away, it might help you stop thinking about him. Do something fun this week to help take your mind off it. Good luck to you!

cjcarter: Thanks! Send it on over to your friend, maybe it'll help :)

kimmy: Yours is a shining example of how much people don't change (though I'm very sorry you've had to go through that)! I'm glad to hear that you've moved on from your ex. You absolutely deserve better. I know you'll find it! Thanks for stopping by.

heartbroken: First loves are hard to forget about. The best advice I can give you is STOP checking his profile. I know it's tempting, and I've been guilty of it before, but it just makes things worse for you. You can't move on if you're clinging to the past...if he doesn't want to be in your life anymore, he doesn't deserve to be in it. Find someone new who does :)


Andrea 6 years ago

I love this article. It makes me feel so strong. :)

Anyone whose head and heart are saying different things should read this once in awhile. The heart is so blind and vulnerable. We all need to let our heads steer our hearts away from trouble.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Glad to hear it, Andrea! What you wrote is very poetic, and extremely true. We all need a good reminder that our heart can be blind sometimes :) Thanks for commenting!


Jez Hernandez 6 years ago

thank you hub pages..


hot _ 6 years ago

i really like this article..it makes perfect sense.But then again within a few minutes, i fall back into the same phase of tryna get him back, work things out.its totally miserable.. i wish the Law Of Attraction would bring us tgt? i dono. oh god...but oh well ,yr article really made me think.i hope i get over him !


Rainbowsprinkles profile image

Rainbowsprinkles 6 years ago

this is a good hub,thank you. i jus needed to hear this again


shatteredj 6 years ago

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a month ago as he has decided to move to London without asking me along and hoping that I do not follow. We were together on-and-off for 4 years and broke up 3 times. I know I have to let it go. I gave it enough time and tried to work things out. But it still does not work. I have given this relationship my best and that's all I have/had. Still, my heart wants him back even I know he does not treat me well and take me for granted. My heart hurts so much. I don't know when the pain will go away. I cry all the time. My friends and family are not supportive of our relationship. I can't really speak to anyone about this. I texted him every now and then but he does not reply. I went to his place to talk things over before but it ended with him shouting at me that I am clingy.

I am just waiting for time to pass and pray for inner peace.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

hot: Keep trying. It's seriously hard to get over someone, but you can do it. Stay strong!

Thanks for stopping by, rainbowsprinkles (great username by the way), glad you enjoyed it.

shatteredj: So sorry for what you've been going through. It'll get better with time...just remember that your relationship doesn't work (like you said) every time you think you want the relationship back. It's times like these when it's important to listen to your brain instead of your heart. Hope things get better for you soon, thanks for your comment.


Ella 6 years ago

This has helped me so much! My ex and i had a nsty break up. This has made me realize what a jerk he is and i certainly do not need him!! Thank you so so much for writing this:)


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

You are most certainly welcome, Ella! Glad I could help. You stay away from your jerky ex...glad you realized you don't need him!


lilclassyone profile image

lilclassyone 6 years ago

wow ; figures i would run into something like this after contemplating for three hours about whether or not to get back together with my ex boyfriend. thank you ! :) definitely going to put a LOT more thought into this... might even brush it to the side & leave it in the past.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Happy to have helped, lilclassyone :)


Candy 6 years ago

Thank you so much for this article. It helped me alot.

Could someone please write an article on "how to be happy for your ex and his partner?"


angie 6 years ago

that is very well written i always see my ex so many times a day i go home and cry but not as much as i did when we first broke up he asked me "out" 4 weeks later i saw him with another girl it looked like they were having more fun together than me and him were she was one of my best friends before and she done this tome


logic 6 years ago

i broke up with my (3yrs)guy a month ago,he asked me to marry him and a week later he just broke up for some silly parental blackmail.we still keep in touch.he rarely calls me.i am the one calling all the time. we had plans to meet before we broke up, he feels that i should come and meet him as friends as planned earlier and i want to see if i can make him come back when i meet him.....but after reading your article, i wonder if its worth meeting him at all?


Kaurilu 6 years ago

After browsing through countless articles - most of them poorly written - I was glad to finally find this one. It's the message between the lines of all the other articles that none of the other "writers" could bring to light.

Although I really want him back and it should not have happened the way it did, there is a reason it did happen that way and it is deep rooted in our basic personalities. It's just not going to change.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 6 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Candy: You've very welcome, I'm glad to have helped! I'll put that topic on my list and see if I can come up with something :)

Angie: Ouch. Talk about best friend betrayal. It really sucks when girls do that to each other, doesn't it? Just know that anyone who would stoop that low isn't your true friend (and it's good to find out who your true friends are, no matter how painful the process is). You're better off without both of them! Thanks so much for your comment.

logic: Honestly, I'd say it's probably not worth meeting him at that point. Seeing him "as friends" only would be really hard for anyone, after 3 yrs together, so it might just upset you. Good luck with your decision--let your brain (not heart) tell you what's right. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your story.

Kaurilu: Thanks for your kind comment. It's important to realize that breakups happen for a reason, and I think you found the reason for yours. Personality conflicts aren't going to get any better because like you said, it's a deeply rooted issue. There's someone out there who's better for you, and I'm glad you've realized that!


logic 6 years ago

thanks for the reply.

i guess you are right....i always think with my head but with him i tend to think with my heart....which i know is bad.

the first two weeks after the break up was bad but now i am totally in control and i look back at the three years and say it was beautiful but honey i have to move on cos life goes on and spring will come soon.

thanks rose.


kevin 6 years ago

I have been with my control freak girlfriend for 5 years and we have split twice before.

Its always me that goes back as I feel I can change things but 5 weeks ago I had enough as she sent me home over trivia and I said I cant take this anymore and left.

7 days later was her birthday and she was at parents for weekend and I sent a text to wish happy birthday no reply.

The following day I sent another text to say Do you really want to end a 5 year relationship over trivia? Lets meet for coffee like adults and sort this out no reply

I then sent another text a week later to say Hope u ok can we sort this out as surely after 5 years we should at least talk and tell me what you want no reply.It was my biryhday this week but she sent nothing.

She said she loves in the past but always criticises me, belittles me and is very immature and selfish. She is stubborn but all these traits are part i feel of her personality disorder.However I got used to dealing with this but admit it suppressed my emotions and I did too much for her.

I am a nice intelligent guy but whilst only 5 weeks no contact I am finding it hard to think move on or try and ressurect this so called one way relationship.

Cant believe she can simply put up the barriers but our previous splits were the same.She has mood swings aswell.

Should I try to contact her which I feel would fall into her playing mindgames or agree to move on once and for all.

Finally, it was me texting to meet during the week otherwise nothing happens, she never phones me and now feels I will go back i am sure. Please advise asap as cant sleep Kevin


Aik 6 years ago

Very nicely written article .


L1qu1d M3rcury profile image

L1qu1d M3rcury 6 years ago from Beijing, China

This was a great article and just what I needed to read- I dated me [now] ex boyfriend for 2 years and there had been talk of engagement rings this May. I left to study abroad for the fall semester in August and by the end of September he had ended things with me. We were already long distance [only 2 hours] before I left so I knew that the breakup wasn’t just because of the distance because that was something we were already used to. Even though we were broken up we kept talking everyday [up until yesterday] and more than once he told me he was in love with me and wanted to get back together when I got home; then there would be a fight about making it official and we'd not talk for a few days and it'd just go back to the same thing. It was torture because it was like we were breaking up over and over again. I felt like I had a boyfriend still, but I guess he didn’t feel the same obligations to me. About two and a half weeks ago he told me he wanted to be at the airport when I got back and wasn’t going to do anything with other girls because what this meant is that he was waiting for me and wanted to be with me and that we were going to work out and be just fine.

One of our mutual friends let me in on what was actually happening; he was already dating another girl. She had been basically living at his apartment and they had started an intimate relationship. I confronted him by telling him I had a bad dream about him being unfaithful, and he immediately asked me who I talked to. He told me he couldn't express himself and what had happened over Skype so he was going to send me an email [in which he said stuff had happened but it hadn't since he told me he'd remain faithful to me two weeks prior and that he was going to come clean with the other girl about what was going on]. Come to find out, he only couldn't express himself to me on Skype because said other girl was in the shower and he didn't want to get caught talking to me, because she had no idea that we had basically been back together for a couple weeks. I sent her a message later that day [assuming he was never going to tell her if he hadn’t yet] letting her know that if he didn't come clean to her about us then to get in contact with me if she wanted to know. I talked to her the next morning and found out way more than I wanted to know-I'm pretty sure she is going to stay with him even though he has been lying to us both but at least I know she made an informed decision. [kindof.]

It's been really hard for me, being abroad and all. With cultural differences it's been hard to make close friends and all I want right now is to be spending time with my friends and family, but instead I just feel so alone. I feel like when I look back on my time abroad all I'm going to remember is this breakup, being dragged through the mill over and over by my now jerky ex. I have to say it is definitely not something I ever expected to happen because our relationship was pretty damn good. I don't know what he was thinking lying to me, I guess he was just hoping I wouldn't find out about his sexcapades from anyone when I got back [right..]. I sent him a pretty mean email [which I do regret] pointing out some of his flaws that I have always accepted but have always concerned me after finding all of this out from the other girl, and since then he has told me that I won't hear from him at all and that he is glad our relationship ended if that is truly how I feel about him.

This article helped a lot- for the past two months I've been trying over and over to make things work out with him, I'm still not completely sure why we broke up [other girl, most likely] and that's why I was so adamant about making it work out. Reading this instead of 'how to get your ex back' has been a real eye opener- you should never have to change who you are for true love. If someone truly loves you they should never put you through the kind of pain that involves lying and cheating. It's going to be hard making it through the last month of my time in China; especially with so many of my future plans now changed and graduation approaching, but now I'm determined to move forward with my life and focus more on my studies and making new friends than obsessing over how to get back together with my ex [who so obviously does not deserve me] and constantly spending my time online talking to him.

Bottom line: Thanks! There should be more articles like this online to help people move on and not obsess over something that isn't even real anymore. To everyone reading this: never forget the difference between being in love with someone, and being in love with the idea of someone and how it used to be!


ashyyy723 6 years ago

You have no idea how much i needed to read this.

To make a long story short my ex and dated on and off for a little over 2 years. as with any relationship, it was amazing when we first got together. Things went bad pretty early though, and never really got any better. eventually they did become okay and i started to feel it was right again. ofcourse it was all a big cycle, happy for two weeks, terrible for 2 months.it constantly repeated like that. well the past few months have consisted of accusing me of cheating, getting on my facebook, wont go anywhere with me, will only hang out at his house, didn't even help me move.

my best friend hates him, i lost all of my good guy friends, my mom doesn't like him, my other friends tolerate him but they don't really care for him either. even some of his friends told their gf's how stupid i was for being with him still.

i would tell him i was unhappy, he was say okay, and then i'd change my mind. all i really wanted was for him to want me. i didn't want it to be so easy for him to just let me walk away.

i found myself looking up ways to get over your ex, because i know thats what i need to do. but was it because i wanted to? reading this helps me so much. now i realize that i do want to, i cant take this any longer.

thank you so much.


getexbackhelper profile image

getexbackhelper 6 years ago from Germany

Very nice hub and and some good advices. Thanks


meow 6 years ago

Wow. I needed this article. Thanks so much :)


Tiffany12 6 years ago

My ex and I started dating at the end of our High school career. He was my everything. The first person to truly undnerstand me-also because we grew up together. We were so in love and I loved him very much. One day he just came over to my house and told me that his been keeping secrets from me- that he slept with 3 girls while we were together. Ever since then- my whole life fell apart. I am better now- busy ending my studies and meeting new people. And I believe that I can be happy again-I am still young. But, I cannot believe how he hurt me. he still wants me back. he keeps telling me that he told me the truth because he loves me and didn't want to keep secrets. He keeps saying that no one can love me like he does and he wants us to put this "childishness" behind us and move on with me. but if can't trust someone- then is it worth a try?

I still love him a lot- and I don't want to be immature about the situation. but, i feel like his starting to give up on me and that he wants to move on with other people. I am not sure what I should do. His changed a lot. Should I just grow up and move on?


Singleagain 5 years ago

Thanks I really loved this article. All points are true!


Andrew 5 years ago

You broke that down to a science and I am glad to see that someone like you can speak about what I see or dealt with. Keep up the good work!!


Nobody99 5 years ago

In my opinion, the main reasons for why people get back with an ex are simly fear. To move forwards in life involves fear, taking risks, the unknown, pain and heart ache. Going back along a road once traversed has none of that because you already know the route, the pitfalls and the dangerous parts of the journey. However, with no Risk comes no Reward and if you always do what you've always done, you will only get what youv'e always had.


Nobody99 5 years ago

@ Tiffany12

Since you posted 2 weeks ago, did you make any decisions yet?


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 5 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Logic: You're very welcome. Best of luck to you...time is a wonderful healer.

kevin: Sorry for the late reply. Anyone who plays mind games like that probably isn't worth your time (or effort). From what you wrote, it sounds like you're ready to move on from her, so maybe you should try it once and for all. Good luck!

liquid mercury: Wow, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I love your comment though because it shows how time and perspective can change your mind from obsessing over getting your ex back to realizing he was a jerk who never deserved you in the first place. I hope you enjoyed your last month in China, I've heard it's a beautiful country. Better things will come to you in the future...all you have to do is be open to them (and I can see that you are). Thanks, you're awesome for leaving such a detailed and sweet comment!

ashyyy723: Glad reading this helped you. It doesn't sound like your ex improved or enhanced your life at all (which a good man should do), so good for you for moving on from him. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

Thanks for the kind words, getexbackhelper and meow.

Tiffany: Trust is extremely hard to gain back once it's been broken. You are still young, and there is a chance he truly has changed BUT don't expect him to be a totally different person if you get back together. When people change, they don't change THAT much. I firmly believe there is no acceptable reason for cheating, but that's me. I could never take anyone back who cheated on me because I don't believe someone who truly loved me would ever do that. Good luck with your decision and thanks for your comment.

Thank you singleagain and Andrew for your comments.

Nobody99: I agree with you. Exes are familiar and new people are scary, so it's easy to get sucked back into the comfort of going back to someone you already know. You said it nicely...thank you for your comment!


Kristina 5 years ago

Thanks M. Rose for this great article. I should have read it a few months ago when me and my ex decided to "work" things out. After 3 months of me trying my hardest to make the relationship work again ( changing things I had done in the past that he didn't like and really making a 100% effort to try and please him) Even though he didn't change a single thing about himself. He recently just dropped me like a hot potato. Just stopped calling me all together after normally speaking 2-3 times a day. I knew something was up about a month ago when I would try to get him to hang out or spend time with me ( since us not spending time together was a main reason why we first broke up) and his responses were always, "maybe" or "we'll see". And when I would ask him why he never would invite me places with him he would get very defensive. After all this, I can leave the situation knowing that I tried everything i could to make it work again but I was not a priority to him at all and in reality he was only using me. Even though I have learned from my mistake the pain is still there because I can't figure out how someone could just drop someone so easily. My words of advice are that if you decide to try to get back with your ex keep your eyes wide open at all times and notice any red flags as early on as possible. Don't settle for being an option or a toy for someone to come along and play with when they need attention. And if they aren't trying to make things work as much as you are, then get out ASAP before you set yourself up for more pain.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 5 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

You're welcome Kristina...thanks for commenting. I love your words of advice. Your ex didn't deserve you, and the fact that you're not together anymore just means that there's somebody out there better suited for you...don't forget that. Never settle for second best. Better guys will come!


k7k7 5 years ago

Excellent advice M. Rose. You don't believe your friends and family at first when they say "it gets easier", but it does. It's hard, but eventually the sadness goes away. I just ended my two year engagement because my fiancée didn't love me anymore. It felt like he had died, except he had just chosen to leave. Somehow that made it worse. And doing things that make you happy really does help! Yoga, taking an art class, or spending time with family and friends are all good ways to start healing yourself.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 5 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Thank you k7k7. I'm glad you found ways to help you get through the ending of your engagement. "Eventually the sadness goes away" is the key...it's all about getting to that place where you start feeling better. Thanks for your wonderful commentary!


Mim 5 years ago

breakup was not his nor mine choice but it happened. it is so sad that you don't have something bad about him to remember and hate him. he was perfect for me and I was perfect for him. but what we can say for our bad community circumstances. I need to come over. really your article is helpful.

thank you M. Rose


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 5 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Mim, glad that my article helped you. Thanks for stopping by, and hopefully your complicated situation will resolve itself in time.


carla 5 years ago

I broke up not to long ago and my friends have been tryna help but it's been unsucessful. This article made me feel soooooo much better! Thanks!


meli 5 years ago

been going out with my ex four years known him when i was 5 years. we just had a baby 3 months ago and started cheating, i asked him; he didn't have any good thing to tell me so i keep complaining and he said he can't be with me if i won't stop talking about it. how can i move on? i still love him , help pls


Came2mysenses 5 years ago

Amen...after yrs of attachment to a bad relationship an a bad ex I needed this detox. He broke up with me and after that time I was always trying to go back to see if I could fix things as he made me feel like i had all the problems. Man it was hard, because the same abuser was the only man I felt closest to. so i guess I just haveto practice leaving him alone. It's like quitting smoking but it sure can be done. Thanks for making it plain!


mimi 5 years ago

You got a great piece here..I should have read this article before getting back together with my ex.. we broke up.. he moved on and get engaged with another girl.. but i did not move on.. I tried hard to win him back. Because i think he's the one for me.. And now I am with him.. we are gonna be engaged in a few months.. but it doesn't feel right.. I did not know if i still love him.. I think i don't..he's been nothing but great to me.. i don't know what to do.. bcause we have involved our family..


danistar 5 years ago

M.Rose

wow thank you so much!

Here's my situation: my ex (Its been a week since the break up) got in trouble with the police last year. he was charged over a stupid thing he did. Now I was in europe when all this happened and all my friends told me not to come back to him because he would drag me down. That is mistake number 1. I came back to him and felt sorry for him because he had gone through anxiety and depression after the problem he got involved. I stayed with him to support him and was positive that he would change and learn. The first couple of months coming back from europe were great, however problems started to blossom one after another. I lost most of my friends because of him and not many people wanted me to take him out with me because he has anger/attitude problem. I even fought with my parents because of him!

I noticed that things started to change about two months ago. Little did i know he lost his job (I only found out two weeks ago). Lies after lies started to come out. He said he lied to me to not diaspoint me but honestly I was his partner, his girlfriend. Surely he didn't have to do that! Anyways all along i thought he was at work, mon-fri 9 to 5, but he wasn't. I had a feeling he had lost his job because things didn't add up. I constantly asked him and asked..got to the point where he shut himself completely and stopped opening up to me.

He broke up with me because of his problems and because he couldn't handle being in a relationship because it was too stressful. However, he did say that he wasn't going to rule us out because he still loved me and still wanted to be with me but he had to sort himself out. Its upsetting that we broke up because I constantly think of all the good memories and ignore the bad. Also i was supportive and was there for him always. It was all a waste a time. I've tried getting back with but after reading this SPOT ON article i'm reconsidering. I've evaluated the 5 points you've singled out and every thing makes more sense!

Our relationship got ruined the moment he committed those actions and I was just too blind to see it all fall bit by bit. Now that i come to think of it, our relationship was unhealthy and that's not what i want to go back to. Its hard to move on though =( but this has lighten me up and now i'm looking at things from a different perspective. SO thank you!


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 5 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Glad I could help, danistar. It is hard to move on, but you've already done the hardest part: You've realized you need to move on. Some people never get to that stage! So pat yourself on the back for realizing that you deserve better and you're already on your way to finding it.


Kiran kirpalani 5 years ago

Hey M.rose this made me feel alot better :) my ex just broke up with me last week, he said it was because of past fights that we've had, But now I heard that he has another girl. Now I never want him back, I mean geez it's been only a week.


bahlv 5 years ago

One word - Thanks! I knew most of this inside me but its always better to read :)


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 5 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Glad this helped you, Kiran kirpalani and bahlv. Thanks for stopping by.


Grant 5 years ago

What a refreshing article. Thank you. After my ex and I split I couldn't imagine my life continueing without having her as a starring role. Well we kept eachother in the friends zone for awhile. Living in a stagnant sense of limbo where we rehashed the same fights and continued the same lovey dovey talk. It was as if nothing changed which gave me false hope. Even though it felt like nothing changed I could't understand why she wouldn't just take me back. I tried all the "guy" tricks the internet throws your way but it was all just manipulative mumbo jumbo. Well I eventually met someone. Someone else, someone who was a better fit for me in every reason. Someone who treated me better and truly enjoyed me for me. Well I still couldn't get past my ex...even with this new found adventure I had begun embarking on. Your article gave me the strength to end the idea of a friendship with my ex. I was lying to myself pretending it would work. It is time for me to let go of the past and move on. There is a famous quote from Helen Keller that is fitting I think. "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Thank you so much...I can't tell you how much this has meant to me. Thank you.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 5 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

What a great story of triumph Grant. It's comments like yours that keep me motivated to keep writing these articles! Thank you for sharing your story and for your kind words. Best of luck in your new relationship!


steffy 5 years ago

I'm glad someone would be very generous to write the opposite of wanting an ex back...I've read many of them, but this one sure open my eyes...I'm dealing with a break-up moments, been through all that sobbing and lost appetite thingy, but things have slightly changed now..I begin to feel more alive, energetic and happy..I guess the key word here is not to give up!!! Thumbs up for this hub..!


livingeveryday profile image

livingeveryday 5 years ago from Plymouth

no we don't want our ex back what ever our heart tells us today it's a mistake we can not make anyone be with us


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 5 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Thanks steffy, glad this article helped you. Things do get better after a break up...it just takes time. Thanks for taking the time to share your story!


JPT 5 years ago

Hey there. Can I just say what an amazing article. I broke up with my ex 5 weeks ago (third time we broke up). But, and I know you will all think I'm a complete idiot for this, I love her. In fact nothing in my life, in my head or in my heart has been to clear to me. I had my head up my **** while I was with her, she was my first true love and I thought suddenly because I had a girlfriend that everyone fancied me. I looked for the greener grass (though I never cheated or flirted with anyone)and my negative reactions to a few basic relationship problems made me feel I had to dump her for her own good. So that I stopped taking her for granted, and so she could move onto the guy she deserves. After 5 weeks, I actually can't take it anymore. She at first said she wanted to stay friends, because we are best friends, we know everything about each other. But after I asked for her back she said it was unfair to ask it, I had broke her heart to much and that she didn't want to talk to me again.

So hear I am, scraping the internet for anything to help me move on. This article has helped, but it doesn't help the tears that come at night, or the morning where I run downstairs to see if she has text me or messaged me. The memories, and there are so many good ones, are now ironically the devils in my head. I have tried everything to forget her, working, exercise, surrounding myself with friends. Even getting ladies numbers at the pub. But I don't want to meet someone else, I don't want to go back to university and try again with someone else. I want her, and that's all I want. I know I'm young (22) and nieve, but if this isn't love then I don't know what is. I want to get her back, to prove it to her, but she really dose hate me, and I just can't get her out of my head because this love for her is so dam strong.

If anyone has same advice. I feel like I have lost half my mind and soul to the beautiful women I took for granted. I know it's probably the wrong place to ask, but I just need some advice on where to do from here. Keep fighting for this, or just accept it as the biggest mistake of my life and try to move on 9which right now I don't feel like I can do)


pheona402013 profile image

pheona402013 5 years ago from Toledo

This comment is for Jpt. Sweetie you are right, you are very nieve. First if you really want to get over her, stop looking at her as the one who got away, and the one you can't have. She May be a great Lady, and she probably treated you good. You have to start concentrating on the real problem;Your own personal insecurities within yourself. What you fail to see, is you broke up with her because YOU felt you weren't good enough for for her. You stated all you wanted to do was protect her, but what you did is started thinking for her, which left her to do what you, not her, wanted. And now she is out living that life you pushed her into and your sad, lonely and stuck on a woman you really didn't want to be with. We all want what we cant have at some points in our lives, and your just starting your life. This next part is the hardest but you need to listen.

1. Stop dwelling on what might have been.

2. Consentrate on you, not her. If there are isssues in your life that make you feel you don't deserve a good mate, remember what went wrong and change your point of view. You know what the problem was, stop lieing to yourself.

3. The Grass is NEVER greener on the otherside, if it was those who have crossed over wouldn't be kicking themselves now(including you)

4. When you are ready, Be open and honest from the word hello. The truth hurts yes, but in the end a lie could kill you. Always remember you are worthy of being loved by someone special, and She is out there. But you have to give to get.

I really hope this helps, and I wish you the best in your personal quest.


jpt 5 years ago

pheona402013 thank you so much for you're response. It's actually cleared up alot for me. As I said, I thought the grass is greener, but as soon as I had lost her I realised it was not, and what a fool I was. I realise the issue in me was simply that I was taking her for granted. Truth is I love her, I really do. I made the mistake of loosing her because I felt it was best for her and not me. I was happy with her, I just thought we could both find a better life but breaking up. And now I don't want anyone else but her. I find it very hard to explain my emotions, but this is love. I no I should move on, 22 plenty of fish in the sea, a better person awaits out there. But I simply don't want that. I want to be with her, and all of her problems, baggage, and issues just makes the love for her more special. Because I feel now whatever the problems, we can work through it and become a stronger couple from it. Now I know I sound like a hopeless romantic, but this still means the world to me. And all I need is one more chance from her and I can prove it all to her.

So I'm going to keep trying for this, even if it's just a heartbreak in the waiting it's still worth the fight in my eyes. I no the issues that caused this, and I know this can be fixed if she can give me the chance.

Thanks again for you're response. Mean's alot to hear others points of view, and it just adds to the pool of wisdom I can learn from.

Jack


pheona402013 profile image

pheona402013 5 years ago from Toledo

I don't doubt that you love her, I am a hope less romantic as well, and I have been were you are with several past lovers. The Difference between me and you is age. No one your age wants tobeleive theres anything out there but the present. You said she stopped talking to you when you told her you wanted to get back together. You also stated that it ruined the friendship the two of you managed to salvage from the break up. YOU CAN NOT THINK FOR SOMEONE ELSE. You can try anything you want to to get her back, but you are ultimately hurting her and yourself. I believe she cares for you on some level, because she befriended you, Your love, no matter how strong it is, is not going to bring her back to you, if she doesn't want to be with you in that way. Love lesson 101: Love is not sex. So if you think you can't love her unless she is sharing your bed, Stop. And visa versa. If you Truly want her back, then show her by becoming a more confident you. And once you tap into that, you will see, if its ment to be, you willl get all that your heart desires. People see you for how you see you, not for who you really are. When have you sat down and reflected on you? Because so far I see that your focused on her. You are 22! Your whole life is waiting for you and your wasting it on this heart ache. Get rid of the heart ache! Heal yourself. Im rooting for you and I know with enough convincing you can be a happier Man.


daved 5 years ago

hey i need some advise here please i have broke up with my gilfriend for all most 3 month , i finish the relationship and i have tryed not to contact her but she did yesterday .. thing is i love her so much and i now she loves me so much and did everything for me but i don't like her as shes got some extra pound on i tryed to get use to it for 2years but it didn't work so i av finished our relationship for good even now i feel really bad.. thing is should i text her bk or just leave it, just to make it clear i don't want to go bk to her ... some comment please thanks very much


CRISTINA 5 years ago

I want to say thank you so much for this article, i brokeup with my bf 3 weeks ago.. It's been hard but i realize that like you said he is never going to change, he is set in his ways. I was with him for about 2 yrs. and broke up twice, this tima around i haven't reach out to him because i know i deserve better, then some one who is mistreating me emotionally. I hope one day he realizes that i was a good woman.. at the end of our breakup he just flat told me he did not care about me, i think he was just looking for an excuse to end it and make me get tired and finnally tell him i was tired, he just got up and left.. so easy for him.. i'm still hurting but i know is was for the best. I am much happier and financially better. Some times i do look back and think about the good times, but at the same time i think how much he hurted me and he will always be selfish, that keeps me going on.. Thank you so much this article made more stronger on not wanting to get back with some one that does not return my love the same way i do.. We will find our prince just with in time...


December 5 years ago

Thanks so much for this article,

you just saved me a lot of unhappiness I think!

I did think twice after reading and realised I was only focusing on the good parts of my previous relationship, not the reason we broke up. Now I realise I'd just be going back to the same old fighting :(

Thanks!!


Jenaroo 5 years ago

I knew all of the above, but sometimes you just need to hear it from somebody else to clarify! As heartbreaking as it is, I have made my decision to move on from my ex... Thanking you xx


CDB 5 years ago

It's a cool post but it was kind of negative.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 5 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

JPT: My apologies for the insanely late response...I've been bad at keeping up with comments lately. I'm glad someone else gave you their point of view (thanks pheona402013!). And I actually agree with what she said. It sounds like you sabotaged your own relationship because of your insecurities, so the best thing you can do is work on yourself. Forget about bringing someone else into your life until you're ready to give them all the love they deserve AND until you're ready to accept all the love you deserve. If you become the best person you can be, only then will you become irresistible to her...if it's not too late.

Again, pheona402013, great advice! Thank you for giving it.

daved: Maybe you should work on not being so shallow. Be able to love someone for who they are on the inside, not how much they weigh.

Cristina: You're welcome! You sound like a strong woman, and good for you for knowing you deserve better. There's someone better out there for you. Just give it time, like you said. Thanks for your comment.

December: Thanks for commenting! Glad this article helped you. Better things will come in the future for you.

You're welcome, Jenaroo! Best of luck to you.

CDB: If you think this article is negative, you're not the one who needs to read it. Honestly, I didn't write this to be negative- I wrote it for people who NEED to hear that maybe their ex isn't the right choice. This article's purpose is to make people realize they deserve better and they shouldn't go back to someone who wasn't good for them in the first place. It's not negative, just realistic. Thanks for commenting.


jay marie snow 5 years ago

i wish this was so easy to follow but in my case my breakup is killing me. im so depressed i cant function cant date other ppl. i am so stuck on him coming back.i am so confused cause i did nothing wrong never cheated always spoiled him and after 2.5 years its done cuz he doesn't want me anymore. im so hurt. i feel ugly i feel like no one will ever want me again. i just want to get passed this and i cant


Tammy 5 years ago

I dropped my ex after I found him replying to a sexual ad in the affirmative. He tried to pretend it didn't happen and when confronted...shrugged his shoulders and walked away. Not a word since. It's been 1.5mths since and I've had to put up a calendar and literally check off each day with a marker to keep my promise to myself not to call. When I hit the 30 day mark, I called. No answer of course. But I have decided to extend it to 3mths so I can keep having that goal. I know I'm prone to giving in. (He dumped me so many times & begged for new chances in 2yrs) This time, there's nothing, he hasn't contacted me at all. Weird, but I'm starting to be grateful. I only know that I want to keep seeing those big pink checkmarks on my calendar & for my heart to heal. Thank you for the article!!


Recoveringwell 5 years ago

I found this site very helpful and all the posts are do familiar to me. It's easy to feel alone when this happens.

My ex who I adored dumped me as his ex convinced him I was taking his time from daughter (who he actually sees most days). I felt caught in a weird battle between them abd tge innocent party. It's hard not to feel injustice but there is no fair in this I suppose. The hard thing was for soblong hectreated me better than anyone else had. I was so shocked, couldn't function, took antidepressants for a few days before binning them as they made me feel ill and weird. I'm taking steps to bs kind to myself and get self esteem back. I had to not bs friends with him as he wanted to be and I kept hoping he still loved me. It's good to remember negative points about exes. There always are some. I feel better each week ((3 weeks on today) and I know in another 3 I'll be better still. I've grieved for him and what hd did and you can't actually live someone after a while when they have left you uncaringly. I've readjusted my life plans and it's a good feeling to do little things for myself. Thankbyou and all the people who posted. It's made me feel better.


xhater 5 years ago

I hope at least this article would help me open my eyes..

My X &I were together for 5years. We have been breaking up &making up for the last whole year now. He cheated on me a year ago with 5 other women. It just destroyed the whole faith I had in him.. I was heartbroken &utterly shocked. It didn't feel to me that he was the type to play around with me. However my family got involved and asked me to stay away from him as they intended he wasn't the right guy for me. But the love I had for him made me give him another chance, and he took it for granted. He started abusing me and became physical too. I was helpless but yet didn't have the guts to leave him as I loved him so dearly. With time all the lying, dis-respectfulness, and the cheating became a habit. He never thought twice before calling me a whore/ slut and what not. It really hurt coz he was the 1st guy iv been with. He didn't give me any attention nor cared about me and what I thought. He only fancied me for sex and afterwards not showed any love or affection. I was blinded with the world I, Myself built within me. I knew he was cheating on me. He use to have flings where ever he worked. I have done so much for him although he never appreciated. He always admired the other women and was nice to the whole world except me. Recently, I went on holiday with him and we spent one whole month together. He was extremely loving back then. He clearly used me there coz as soon as we got back he ignored me again and started treating me bad. I don't know what I was thinking to believe he would change. Even during our on and off break ups, I knew he was going clubbing and making out with random girls and later on adding them on fb. His friends who go with him tells me so. When I asked him he admitted some but covers it up by saying he felt bad and didn't have any feelings for them girls since he loved me. Currently he posts songs on fb, hiding it from me saying *You need me, but I DEFF DON'T NEED YOU*..&he Also posted another song on the following day about how a girl was texting him and said she wanted to sleep early, and he was missing her and wanted to sneak into her room. Its clear he is trying to show the world that I'm coming behind him, and he is totally uninterested. On top of all that, he still says he loves me. I'm sure he is with another girl. I don't understand. All I know is that I'm badly hurt. I'm so mad at myself for trusting him:( &I really want to get out of this mess..


Maria456 5 years ago

Dearest M. Rose, I can't tell you how grateful I am for you on taking a stand for publishing this clear article against all the shady stuff and programs offered. I tried the "get your ex back' methods of no contact, letter writing of breakup acceptance. It did nothing for me except more heartaches, since this crap of ex boyfriend not even one called me let alone tried to make up. The more I was hoping to get him back the less it happened. There is no formula for getting your ex back, what works for one couple, may not work for another, since people vary in character and attitudes. Your approach however always works since freedom from slavery of this relationship, which left us brokenhearted, is required before we can move on. How can we move on if we always hold our ex in thought. By practicing those "get your ex back" recipes, we are still clinging to a possibility which may or may not happen, thus tormenting our consciousness tremendously. Letting go completely is really the best because we have nothing to lose. If our ex was an honorable man or woman he/she would not have given us so much pain in the first place. I am currently making a list of all the negative features I noticed in my ex, and you are right, he will not change. Before I became his girlfriend, I learnt that he had been married four times. His negative traits which will never make a relationship work are: he is not a listener, he likes to do most of the talking, he constantly complained about his ex wife being bossy, he asked me for money, told me he would pay me back, but he never did. Furthermore he involved a close friend of his in our relationship and told him negative stuff about me, i.e. I had forced him into extramarital sex. Compelling this list has really helped me to look ahead, because nobody wants to have those qualities in a partnership. Now I learn to love myself again and to be more confident. I have to learn to appreciate myself instead of looking for a partner's approval. I know there are decent man with wonderful qualities. Our relationship was based on sex, which almost always leads to breakups and heartaches. Thank you again, M. Rose.


RedShoeRamblings 5 years ago

Deepest gratitude to you and for writing this. It is wonderfully cathartic and healing. Thank you.


Jeanette 5 years ago

You make a fine point, but one thing that really annoys me about your post is your grammar.

"She's still that same woman you couldn't make it work with"

Correction:

"She's still that same woman *with whom* you couldn't make it work"


RedShoeRamblings 5 years ago

Affairs of the heart trump grammar any day. Still a great article and incredibly grateful for your wisdom. It's a relief to know I've many compatriots in this journey.


matthew 5 years ago

Thanks for the great article. I think your article is the best out there in the net as it provides people with concrete examples and hard truths. I just hope I can move on quickly and start rebuilding myself again,eventhough it seems like a very big task.

I just wonder whether I should get back to my ex who dumped me because of her work and her newfound goodfriends. I believe that these goodfriends are not those who want her to breakup with me but it is just that she feel more comfortable her newfound goodfriends because these friends do not demand anything form her. Well, as you are in relationship i think it is normal to have a demand of attention and care from your loved ones. However, It seems that my rather small demands such as "meet at least once a week, call each other at least once a day for 5 minutes" were to big for her.

I just want to know what are others' opinion about this. Am I too demanding or are we just not built for each other? Thanks.


Tess 5 years ago

A very great piece you have here. 5 days ago,i broke up my almost 3years relationship.Reasons were,he was so overprotective,gets jealous,shouts and complains,and this important one doesn't trust me,even if i tried my possible best to make him trust me.During t r/t,i loved,trusted and understood him,i was also being truthful to him,by leaving my admirers messages on my phone 4 him to see,and also reported all disturbances by others to him.Sometimes i don't blame him when he feels that way cause he thinks his not ok financially and feels threatened by other guys and the fact that i came from a home, where i lack nothing.Now i kept on trusting him,till some mnths ago,when i discovered that he had being in some love conversation with some gal on FB,whom he said was his junior in high school.Also there was a time,a friend on the same street with him,spent some days in his house and even slept on the same bed and in the same room.I did not get even with,cause i thought she would have being stranded.But i kn3w there was something more than what he told me.We had misunderstanding everyday,but i endured all 4 almost 3 years cause he's the first guy i've dated.In btw the misunderstanding,i ask him not to ca again,he begs me and i forgive him and he does the whole shouting and mistrust over again and i kept on forgiving him.When i broke up with him.He didn't cal me 3 days after the break up and on the 3rd day his mom called me asking us to get back together,but i think,he thinks we can still get back together,and is using his mom to do that.Im a whole lot better,instead of staying stagnant,with no progress and going back to a vomit.


goutami 5 years ago

ya it sounds great to read but hard to follow......guys are first make u feel so special and then make u feel uwanted ...thats sucks to the core!!!! i think i should also not get back with him.....i want to overcome him...and i would do it...thanks fr the support....!!!!


sam 5 years ago

This is really helpful but at the same time really difficult to follow.

My boyfriend of almost 10 yrs just broke up with me. I found out he was cheating on me. I confronted him about this and he hurts me physically. But after all of this I still feel that I still want him back. We haven't had any communication for more than 2 months now. then I found out he is now dating my friend.

My friends and family said to used this reason as a motivation to move on. its just hard. He was my first bf and weve been talking bout getting married a month before i found out about the other girl.

i am really depressed right now but i am trying hard to move on.


Extacy 5 years ago

I feel so empowered by this advice. My ex abandoned me after I told him I didn't like how he mistreated me around his family. 2 weeks later I begged him to meet up with me because I wanted some closure. When he came out to meet me he was cold as ice. He didn't want to ever see me again! Of course I was devastated. It's been almost a week since then and I'm feeling a little better. I have realized that he has done this before and will continue to break up and come back to me if I don't put it to an end. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. End of story. I have to be strong and resist any thoughts of contacting him again or allowing him back in my life to hurt me. I am the one in control and I am not granting permission this time. Good luck to all the heartbroken people out here. Love yourself.


Billa 5 years ago

It was my fault,I couldn't kept my promise 18years ago,she has moved on and I can't ,what shell I do ,it's been 18years ago,want to show her it wasn't all my fault,I was helpless,want to do something for her to rectify my sins to her .I tried but can't move on


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 5 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Thank you to everyone who shared their stories on here. I may not respond to all of you, but I do read all your comments.

xhater: Never trust someone who cheats on you. I'm sure you already know that in your heart, but thought you could use a reminder. You're better off without him!

Maria456: Your comment is awesome. You've given a great argument on the topic of getting your ex back that everyone should read. Thank you for writing it!

Jeanette: Thanks for the correction. You're right, but I try to keep my writing conversational on the internet. It's not an essay, so I don't worry so much about those things.

matthew: That doesn't sound too demanding at all to me. It sounds like you want to have a relationship with the girl...speaking and seeing each other kinda goes hand in hand with a relationship. Sounds like you're better off finding someone new.

goutami and sam: Isn't that the bummer of life? Writing rules down on paper is a lot harder than putting them into practice in your life. But all you can do is try your best. Sam, you're bound to be depressed after you've been with the same person for 10 years! That's such a long time. It's going to take you a long time to heal, but you will. Hang in there.

Extacy: "Love yourself." Best advice anyone can ever give.

Billa: 18 years is a long time. Talk to her if you feel you need to, maybe write her a letter. But if she's moved on, she's probably forgiven you for whatever happened.


Amanda 5 years ago

OMG,I literally spent SO much time reading stupid articles on how to get my ex back that I went crazy blind and didn't see how better off I am WITHOUT him! I should have spent all that time reading about why I SHOULDN'T get back with him! After everything I went through and all the things he did I finally found your hub which made me realize what a DUCHE he really is! thank you soooooo much for opening my eyes! exes r the worst!!! your hub is PERFECT!


karishma 5 years ago

well, all of this sounds good in theory but is really hard to implement in real life. i was in a co dependant relationship but never realized and i want to change and make a functional relationship with my ex. i know i can and i love him and he loves me. i just could not understand he was jus being normal, and not drifting away, and i held on too tight n drove him further :(


bsktbll 5 years ago

My ex broke up with me 4 months ago. Never saw it coming. He always seemed so happy, talked about marrying me. Then he said he still liked me, wanted me to wait for him to figure his life out (he was depressed). Strung me along a couple months. Recently, he said he's done, he feels nothing, and doesn't care anymore. I know him pretty well. I think he's lying. I think he just needs to figure out his life and realize we were good together; not make me a scapegoat for his depression. Is it bad to wait for that? We're not talking or texting, we blocked each other on facebook, and I moved all his things. He still has my stuff, still wanted to talk after the break up, still wanted to hang out. I cant be friends, but I want him in my life. Could it work? He's treated me like crap lately. Even admitted he wanted me to hate him to make it easier for me. But I cant. It felt so right with him. I thought he'd always be there. Am I just in denial? I dunno. All I've got is the hope I'll be happy with him again. I do like your article, I just don't want to put it into practice. Because that'll mean I cant trust myself anymore. I saw him, trusted him, loved him, and look where that left me?


aerin 5 years ago

Thank you for you brilliant post.

I was with my boyfriend for 2 years. I never thought that I could lose him, I was jealous, histerical, although he wasn't sensitive to me at all. Using sex-chat rooms, arranging 'meetings' with random women, chatting to his 'girl friends' and never mentioning me. And I was always there for him. It only took me to move to another town when he realised that he can not take my jealousy anymore. He did it perfectly, everything was my fault: he waited for my histerical crisis and told me that he can't take it anymore and disappeared. I cried, I begged him to forgive me, but he just ignored me. I have been through breakups before, but every time it hurts even more, every time you have less and less hope that you will find the RIGHT person. Everytime you have less and less confidence to think that you deserve the right person. I wish everyone who is on this page to be strong. One day you will remember what you have been going through and you will think that you've made a good choice.


mella 5 years ago

still cant get rid of him...


Rich 5 years ago

Thank you so much! This was good to hear at this moment! :)


Janet 5 years ago

Reading this article and other peoples comments helped me so much so I thought I would comment too.

I was in love with my ex, who broke up with me a couple days ago, for three years. He was my best friend, the only one I felt truly understood me. Talking to him was like being in heaven. He could always make me smile and help me through hard times. He never returned the feeling though, because his first love had hurt him so much he was scared to be in another relationship. Finally, he overcame his fear and asked me to be with him. Our time together was the happiest time of my life. But after a while we realized tht we were falling out of love. I wanted to work things out because I was not ready to lose him yet; he was my everything. But he ended it, as I was truly devestated. I find myself thinking of him all the time and even when I'm talking about something completely different a tear slips down my cheek. My heart aches when I remember all the little things he did that made me love him. It was so reassuring to know that if I reached out my hand he would be there to take it. I'm still greiving. Let me tell you this: getting over a first love is the hardest thing in the world. There's an empty, hollow feeling in my chest which I know will not be filled for a while.

I've talked to him, not letting him know how much this has affected me, and he still wants to be friends. But it's not the same. He's being very different. I don't know if we'll ever be as close as we were before. I know that he will be with another girl soon enough, because surely someone else will realize how amazing he is. It hurts to know that I will be replaced, not just as a girlfriend but as a best friend as well. The moments spent with him were truly breathtaking and I wish I had treasured every second. It's impossible to contemplate now, but I know I will love again.

"there's no guarantee this life is easy"~Miley Cyrus

I hope this makes someone realize they are not alone. If anyone needs to talk just comment and I will email you or something.

"if you ever forget what you're living for, just look in the mirror"


Zoesmom 5 years ago

I was married for twenty years. My husband recently met a married woman who was unhappy in her marriage and she has had previous affairs and he struck up a friendship with her and started an affair with her. He has lied to me for months and slowly pulled away from me and our friends. I finally caught him and I helped him find a place to live and moved him out of our home. I have made alot of changes in my life for him. You know everything we did was what he wanted. Im very hurt. I do not check on him or talk to him and have asked him to stay away from me. I refuse to let a in-mature, fifty year old man that cannot control his emotions or actions back into my life. Looking forward to when I'm ready finding an honest, loving person to share my life with.


Ron 4 years ago

I can't accept my ex doesn't love me anymore


soph 4 years ago

me and my ex broke up 5 times in 8 months, usually him, and this time i know its the end, he doesn't want me back, he says its not working, but i was really happy with him and he was an amazing boyfriend. i cant accept that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that we cant work on it anymore! its killing me i want him back so much but i know its not going to happen. eurghh! what do i do??


rose 4 years ago

i'm happy knowing i'm not the only one going throught this!


rose 4 years ago

janet i'd really sppreciate it if you could email me, my situation is exactly smiliar to yours and he did the same thing.he doesn't even care anymore he's so angry and i don't understand why because i was always a good girlfriend to him and always there for him.he even said it himself. but why break my heart and end what we have if you love me as much as you claim?


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 4 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Amanda: Glad I could help!

karishma: You should read my hub about codependent relationships. http://hubpages.com/relationships/How-to-Overcome-...

bsktbll: It's possible that he's using you as a scapegoat for his depression. It's also possible that you're in denial. Time is the only thing that will tell which is true. If you want to hold on and wait, I'd give yourself a set amount of months to wait. Then try to accept that you'll need to move on. Waiting for him for all of eternity would be a huge mistake, and you deserve to be happy.

Janet: Great comment. Thanks for writing it and offering to help those who are in the same boat.

Zoesmom: Good for you for kicking him out of your life! You will find someone better...give it time.

soph: Hon, you need to move on. Anyone who breaks up with you 5 times doesn't really deserve you. There are plenty of other guys out there who will treat you better, so go find them! You won't be able to find someone better if you're still stuck on your ex. Give yourself time to get strong again and move on!

rose: Your question is one that I think we'd all like the answer to at some point. Unfortunately you may never get an answer. People can be selfish. And sometimes, people do hurtful things that make no sense. The key is to learn how to heal yourself, to not rely on an answer from someone else before you can heal. Best of luck to you.


ynn 4 years ago

Thank you. Here I was looking for tips on how to get rid of my annoying ex bf. He passes back and forth infront of my window at work waving and giving me puppy dog eyes. He tries to corner me into soulful meaningful conversations about how I am doing. And the dumb ass was the one who broke up with me! Oh so very annoying. All I can find on the web is how to get him back and then I found your page. It is so refreshing. Thank you, I don't want that undignified yokel who can't even take no from himself seriouly.


Soph 4 years ago

Thanks for the comment i know you are right, ive just recently had him asking me back and telling me he loves me and all that, but he also admitted that he kissed another girl, i need to stay away from him i know, but its gunna be really hard


Charlotte 4 years ago

Hi guys,

I split up with my boyfriend of 7 months, 2 months ago. We split because he felt claustraphobic and I felt like he didn't support me. He suffers from ADD and I struggle to deal with the mood swings that come with it at times. I spent so much time treading on egg-shells and not knowing what mood he would be in when he came in.

I really tried to be supportive, I came to functions with him, cooked for him, helped him sort out his organisational skills, personal hygiene and eating habits. I let him live with me, rent free for two months.

I became ill, so needed his support and he couldn't hack it. He ignored my calls, turned up drunk at 4am. - at one point when I was at work, he was sitting in my front room talking to my house mate, completely ignoring my text asking him to go to an appointment.

I am so glad for your article. It has made me realise that I am better off out of this relationship. Since we split, he has alternated between ignoring my calls and texts to get my stuff back, and the responses I give to facebook posts like I am depressed. (I know I shouldn't reply to that, but I generally worry) and turning up in places I hang out, whinging about his job and how rubbish his life is and seeking reassurance.

I also found out recently, he had ben texting and emailing girls saying he missed them while we were going out, and he may of cheated on me. During our relationship and after, he called me crazy for getting annoyed when he went to Peterborough to see his ex and didn't tell me until he was on the train, and even said if he slept with someone while drunk and couldn't remember it wouldn't be cheating.

One minute he would spoil me with gifts, the next minute he would ignore me and not invite me to functions. I didn't know where I stood.

Everytime I am somewhere with mutual friends and happy, he turns up and makes comments about our past sex life. If I am talking to a male friend, he is quiet and watching like a halk. If I don't talk to him, he sits there in a mood, not talkingto anyone. He has even stormed off on occasions.

The health problems I have are being sorted and have an operation coming up, which he has offered to go to. He says he doesn't want me to go on my own... and he is trying to be supportive. He also said he wants to make sure I ask the docs the right questions.

The thing is, I don't want him to go. I am sure it is just another game. He admits his behaviour is irrational, but he wont see a councellor because, 'that is the way he is' and he has been like it since he is a child'.

Thank you article. You have re-confirmed why we shouldn't be together. I am not an angel, don't get me wrong - I am very driven and stubborn. But if you do all the giving in the relationship, it just isn't meant to be. If you constantly question yourself, or feel constantly drianed by a relationship, it also isn't meant to be.

I guess this article just confirmed it for me and killed the last of the nostalgia. He wont change, not without help and whilst he wont help himself, I can't be around him.


bsktbll 4 years ago

thanks for the reply. im afraid i might hve annoyed him and scared him off now. we last txted a month ago and he said he didn't feel anything anymore. but i was pushing him for answers so maybe thats why he said that? it wasn't fair of me, especially if he is depressed. i want to believe he'll come back if he's suppose to. i just don't know if he's mature enough to take the risk. guess i'll just keep waiting for now.


Janet 4 years ago

Rose sure email akonomg@gmail.com if you still need to talk(:


Grace Aprilia Helena 4 years ago

yeah.. this is a very useful article..

me and my ex broke up because he met his ex in a Christmas celebration..

3 months paid with once twice meeting with her ex..

and then.. he's with her.. what a jerk he is..

even deep in my heart i still have a little hope to get back with him..

it's no use.. a cheater is still a cheater..

sometimes i get confused whether i still love him and put my hope in him or not..

but i know what i have to do now..:D

thank you rose.. you wake me up from this dilemma.. :D

GBU


kara5837 4 years ago

This is such a good article ...me and my bf broke up three yrs ago and i still haven't got over him what's so ever... we currently started trying to be friends bc he is transferring to the same college. But when we broke up after together for three yrs and got a gf a month later. They broke up five months ago and he told me from day one he trying to get over her but continues to talk and hang with her ... i tell him that wont help but he wants to do things his way. This causes us to fight bc i get upset he cant stop talking to his ex . I still care bc i never got over him and i thought i was weird bc it been so long but bc this article and all the comments shows other ppl goes threw this and can over come it


cakeey 4 years ago

I was with my ex for two years and he wad mentally and physically abusive to me after a brief separation and lots of promises him and I were back together and married it only took a month for him to become abusive again this is the best article I have read because after everything he still gets me with the sad calls and .text. to me and my family. I know in my heart that iwant to be free of him but I have always felt sympathy. After reading this know I just must be strong not being there for him is tough. But I got to be there for myself.


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 4 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Thanks all for sharing your stories and comments. I read them all, though I may not comment back to all of you.

ynn: Thanks for your comment. Stories like yours are my favorites...I wish there was more material about why you shouldn't get your ex back too. I'm glad you found my article and that it helped you. Your ex sounds like a fool!

Soph: Stay strong! Keep all that negative energy out of your life. You'll be way happier in the long run without it. You can do it.

cakeey: That's horrible. Nobody deserves to be abused in any way and treated so poorly. Stay strong. You're already SO strong for getting away from your abuser. NO abuser deserves your sympathy. Don't feel bad. Take care of yourself.


stillobsessed 4 years ago

dear m. rose, its been a year since we broke up. and I cant stop thinking about him. hees a jerk and he has a new girlfriend but nothing seems to work...what do i do??? all my thoughts revolve around him and we go to the same school


No love? 4 years ago

Your advice was magnificent! It made me feel better.

I broke up with my boyfriend just yesterday because he was lieing to me and I had found out that he had gone somewhere with a girl that strongly dislikes me, I was told that he was trying to make moves on her even though she has a bf. When I found this out I confronted him, he said he had gone with her but things got out of hand he wanted to know who had told me and if I didn't tell me he didn't want me to talk to him. So I didn't talk to him for two days, he didn't even try talking to me I had had enough so I broke up with him. I still love him and I've cryed myself to sleep, and hes really trying to talk to me. I don't know what to do, I'm confused. I know that if we get back together it wont work because he's not going to change. Should I talk to him and stay as friends? Help.


Beth 4 years ago

Me and my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago, after being together for over a year. I was the one who broke up with him because he was selfish and uncaring. I moved across country to be with my family, and for the whole time he was begging for me back and then suddenly when I would agree to return he would tell me not to. This went on for over a month until he went on a holiday. The day before he left he rang and said he loved me and made a huge mistake, said he would call me when he landed on his holiday. No call for the 2 weeks, and when he returned he told me he had met someone else and he didn't want to be with me anymore. It hurt a lot, even though I was the one to leave in the first place. I still love him so much. But I have no idea why. All these Internet sites tell you to just stop thinking about him and get over him. But I can't, because I don't know why I still love him. He cheated on me and never treated me well. I don't know how I'm supposed to get over it when I have no idea why I still feel for him.

But this page did help a bit, for me to realise it never would have changed. Although I still feel crappy.


frelia86 4 years ago

I really thought and read through clearly of what was being said in this hub. I am personally right now going through a break up. He actually broke it off with me. On a monday he told me that he was moving out because of a deacon said it is best then the next day he told me that it's me and I am the reason why he is leaving and that he will do all he can do for our daughter, but we can not be a couple any more, and we can be friends for the benefit of our daughter. Mind you, he told me he will leave in the next five weeks when he receives his unemployment check. We have been engaged and were planning on a wedding and I really wanted for us to go to counseling, but he told me it was too late. My heart hurts I even thought about giving up the rights of my child just so I won't be remimded of him anymore. Just the thought of him being with another lady kills me and I feel like I have a tumor growing inside of me due to this pain. In the past we had went through a lot of fighting but years later the fighting stopped, and most of the time I was the one getting physically abused I feel like I want to follow him where ever he goes like I need him I really want us to work it out and even if he lives somewhere else I feel it can work. I need help and advice.


Calandria 4 years ago

great post =)


Saaaam 4 years ago

I met this guy in university, my first guy friend and like it always happens we became the best of friends and then bf-gf.. we kept braking up abt small things and one fine day after 2 1/2yrs it was final...I boke up with him only to get back after 4months until yesterday after another 2 yrs when I couldn't do it anymore.

I've always wanted to tell my parents abt him and he would convince me that tht is not the right thing, I know it's crazy.. I've always wanted it to be clean like sex after marriage n all, but now these 2yrs we've done everything we could and I was just getting carried away I suppose planning baby names and all.. the thing is he is the sweetest guy, helpful and all but there is something that makes me feel we have different views abt some very imp things... if he was a jerk it would be easy to get over him... I just cannot forget him for he is such a pure hearted person I feel like I'm making a mistake... but then again I feel guilty for what I do with him..


Nadz 4 years ago

Thank you!


Bubble 4 years ago

I love ths blog, i hav it book marked n i read it everytime i need reminded that i did the eigt thing. Me an my ex hav been together since i was fourteen n ten years later we nw hav two ids together. I broke it of cause i was sick of doin everything wit the kids while he slept al day n sat up watchin tv al night. Since we broke up he has changed i think, hes workin n is even is the process of building his own house. I wish he would of done this wen we wer together, we talk nearly eveyday n we both realise were better people apart, but he still says he wants to b with me and im the one but he wants me to wait for a while til he gets his prioritys straight?? Meanwhile he i have fund out he was with two other girls but still says to me if i go out with any1 thats us over forever. If any1 has any suggestions please help, very hard when kids are involved because i just wanted us to b a happy family. Plus i dnt imagine there are many men out there who want a young mother of two, men my age just want to have fun with no responsiblitys. Feel really low :(


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 4 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

stillobsessed: Maybe you should focus on your own life more, instead of his life. It's been a year, so maybe you should try finding someone else to date. Find someone better who makes you forget about your ex. There are plenty of guys out there! Focus on yourself and your friends and having fun. Hope some of this helps!

No love?: You've got the right idea. He's not going to change. Only talk to him and be friends if you're comfortable with that. If you're not, tell him! Don't think you have to be friends with him if you don't want to...and don't let him make you feel bad if that's not what you want. Do what feels right to you.

Beth: If you don't know why you still love him, maybe you're holding onto the idea of him...the idea of who you wanted him to be and how you wanted your relationship to go in your head. I've been in that situation before, and it's hard to get over someone when you still have images of how things could have been in your head. Just remember that he didn't treat you well and realize you're better off without him. You'll get over him in time.

frelia86: That's a really sad situation. Please try not to take it out on your child though. It wasn't your child's fault that your relationship didn't work. I think it would be helpful for you to go through counseling yourself, for the sake of you and your child. Get you healthy again. Best of luck to you.

Saaaam: Hun, don't feel guilty about anything you did with him unless YOU feel like it wasn't the right thing to do. Lots of people who originally didn't want to have sex before marriage end up having sex before marriage. Lots. It doesn't make you a bad person. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Bubble: Wow, thank you! That's wonderful that it's helped you so much. I'm sorry about your tough situation...it is always harder when children are involved. I think it all comes back to my point about how people don't really change. He's making an effort now ONLY because he's lost you. I've seen friends of mine personally go through that cycle tons of times, and it's always the same. If he gets you back, he'll get comfortable again and go right back to doing all those things you hated. If you do give him another chance, please realize this. I can assure you that this is what will happen. Also, you're not the only young parent out there. There IS a guy out there who will want to be with you. Maybe someone a few years older, closer to 30, will be more grounded. But don't get back with your ex just because you don't think anyone else will want you. I promise you that's not true. Hang in there. Things will get better for you.


Robert 4 years ago

I have an ex leave me for my best friend. After two years of being together, he got her to believe every part of my life was a lie. I never lied to this woman once, and setting the record straight I got the reply "You'll say anything to make him look bad". This woman didn't work at all for over two years. She got a part-time seasonal job and that's when the games really started. The guy that used to be my best friend couldn't admit the truth to me and called the police on me for phone harassment, a week later she did the same. I ended all contact with the two, then early in January her job was terminated. Within a couple weeks I was served with papers to appear in court for a restraining order, both of them got up on the witness stand and lied. Needless to say she got her restraining order that her new boyfriend wanted. I'd say all the details but I really shouldn't on here. Basically my ex was used for a pawn by the guy to shut me down professionally, and for sex. I learned one thing by this if your 100% honest with someone, anyone can make you out to look like a liar. Little twisted truth and they get what they want. My best friend did that and she bought every bit of it. Yeah he's to blame for starting it, but so is she for buying into the lies. Now he's more likely than not looking for a reason to be done with her after trashing our relationship. Worst part is she probably still believes him over me although I wasn't the dishonest one, he was. When I said I was going to start doing more with friends or other people because she was hardly ever around she jumped and said "Your doing that to try and make me jealous. No doubt by planning and knowing me, he filled her in on everything I might do or say as being a malicious act. I even got the response once I do get a job it wont go to support your business. She didn't work over two years! Come to find out money I was giving her was going to him! She was helping him pay his bills! Yet she wouldn't help me pay mine and we were engaged? What is wrong with people? Seriously?


anerisharma profile image

anerisharma 4 years ago from New York

Awesome points .. Really liked it.. made me feel strong that it was past just need to move on... thank you


RZ 4 years ago

Hi, me and my boyfriend broke up 3 days ago, after being together for 4 years. It was perfect for the first past two years, he was so caring about me, did anythin i wanted to, ask for forgiveness first even if its my mistakes, always begged me to back to him whenever i said " Lets break up " just because he didn't do what i wanted to. Its like im " up of the wind ". All he did seems like he can't live without me. Then 2 years later, he suddenly changed. He began to ignore me, whenever i called him he said he's still busy, though i know he just went out with his friends. He used to treated me as his 1st priority, but then im just on his backup list, behind his friends and work. He began to do the things i didn't like to, and we had lots argument, yelled at each other, and decided to break up. But i thought we'll be just fine after a few days. In fact, he didn't care about me no more, and he began to date another girl. When i knew about this, i became so freackin out, i did love him so much and i don't want to lose him, because before whenever i be , there he'll be. I began to called him, texted him, begged him, and all things just to make him back. I cried all days but he just don't care for about 2 months. Then i got tired and decided to try movin on. I began to went out again with my BFF, dressed up, hang out. Then suddenly 3 weeks later, he called me and said he regret losin me. He begged me to come back to him. I did still love him so much although he dumped me before , so i accept him back, but on the other hand, my parents became dislike him for dumped me before. I said this to him, and that now we're only able to meet ' secretly' . We began to meet casually on the weekend. He did become how he used to be, cared about me, always there for me and all that. Its just for 6 months, that he suddenly said he get tired of this ' secret relationship ' and said want to move on. But then i found out that he said all this, because he wanted to date another girl. I was so sad that he dumped me for 2nd time. I tried not to begged him, but i did all the mistakes i made before. I just cryin all day.

Then again, a month after that, he began to call me again, and said he didn't go along with the girl because he missed me. Later i found out that the reason he didn't get along with the girl, because the girl rejected him. But still, foolish me accepted him back, because im so blinded with love to him. We did okay for the 6 months, then 3 days ago he dumped me again :( said that i deserved someone better , whom my parents will like. Said that he's not financially enough for me, that i will have miserable life if i marry him. But this time its different, he said he' movin on to another town next week. I was so shocked, i begged him to come back, and offer him solved problems about my parents and financial issues together. I even said i don't care about his financial and i can move to another town just to be with him. But he rejected all my offer, and keep makin excuse about financial and my parents. Then when i looked at facebook page, i found his picture with another girl he just met on his friends wedding. I was so angry and hurt, i called him and askin about the pic. He said its true and he even said that he planned to get married by this year.he said that he actually still loves me , but he afraid because my parents don't like him anymore. I don't know what else to do, im still in love with him soo muchh. I know that my parents wouldn't be much issues if we want to work this out together. Please help me what to do, since i still want him , i still love him a lot. Thanks


kate 4 years ago

i fell in love with an amazing guy and someone else got in our way and now hes gone and i cant get over it.


EN 4 years ago

I had a bad break up 30 years ago with who I consider to be my first true love. I see two loving young people making mistakes. Look at articles about reconnecting after 30 years, by dr kalish- I was amazed over 75% of these reconnect work towards a stronger relation. But it is quite a period of time wherein so much life happens. Dr kalish herself is reconnected with her guy from 35 years before. I just sent my ex a nice card asking how she is and to talk. I do not know what the outcome will be. I remember two communicative and loving people who disappeared on each other and so love was interrupted.


Em 4 years ago

Thanks for this. It really helped.


Tamzin 4 years ago

Rose I think your comments are spot on! No one can change unless they want to!

You split for a reason but sometimes you get back out of boredom. If your not careful a bad relationship can seem the norm. It takes guts and strength but get out if your not happy.

We have all been there but so long as you learn.

Good Luck xx


Georgina 4 years ago

Hi I recently got back together with my ex and I feel like he is taking me for guranted how should I actually deal with this.. or is it even worth it? I always think was the 3 years we had for waste? it is so hard to let go! I am only 22 I am to young to be going through this stress


can'tstopthinking 4 years ago

I met a girl that was coming in for a job interview i was hiring for. long story short...she got the job because the second we locked eyes i felt something. she had a boyfriend at the time that she complained about to me and other co-workers. she said she wasn't "in love" w/him etc. we hung out with a group of people and it was obvious attraction. she broke up with her BF of three years a week later. out of respect for here i waited a few weeks to make sure it was over then i made a move. it worked and before i knew it we were both saying how happy we were and how we have never felt this way before. we spoke about long term plans only months into the relationship. we discussed how she felt the same feelings when we first locked eyes and how she called friends and her mom to tell them the feeling she had. for three months we were crazy in love. then she started to ask to slow down. i let her. then she wanted to take a break,,,,,i was pissed off then. then she sends me a text that she had been thinking about her ex a lot and felt like she was cheating on me and "needed to make it right with her ex." I've heard they are back and happy. so my end of this thing is different then most of y'all. BTW-they have broken up once in the past and got back together. i know she got back with him because she is doing it for him...not her true happiness. i've had no contact since the text but struggle with calling/texting her everyday because i just feel like her relationship will fail again....any advise? i really feel like she is the one!!!


Ray 4 years ago

Thanks so much for this. It really is something to learn from. And i really will take your advice on this :)


The heart it's not blind 4 years ago

The heart is not blind, it sees too much. When we love someone we tend to project qualities in them that they don't necessarily have. That's why friends always ask us what we see so special about the one we love and broke our heart. They don't and are surprised we do. It's a sort of crystallization: we keep put gems on the one we love. Once you are over them, you see them who they really are without all the glitter that painstakingly we put on them.

Marco


Cathy 4 years ago

Awesome advice!!! I couldn't agree more! I recently broke up with my boyfriend for good reasons...anyway...he is now showering me with flowers, chocolate and professing his undying love....needless to say it is hard not to go back but I know if I do before long it will be all of the crap all over again. Even if he truly believes he loves me I just don't want to go back there are be so stressed out. I have to believe that there is a wonderful person out there suited for me and vice versa. Thank you sooooo much for this article. I googled "do not go back to ex boyfriend" and I was surprised to see all that came up except your post that I saw was how to get your ex boyfriend back! Really!


Mariel 4 years ago

This will help me so much. Thanks for the tips! :) Me and my ex boyfriend broke up 5 months ago and I still can't get myself to move on from everything. Thanks for this :) I will apply this to my life :DD


ryuuki 4 years ago

or the detailed problem i had...she broke the realtionship because don't want be control and want freedom also she say she tired to loving someone...but after she broke..she found already new partner and it didn't happen long becoz her mom don't like him love someone and his new partner..after that she give a chance to change my habit(contolling she for her good sake)..but she didn't tell what detail about my mistake...pop she choose his new partner again(after 1 week couple and break..she choose him again after see im not improving)..im frust because she betray her promise...i blackmailed she and spreading the news about her bad habit and bad altitude...now she very angry with me...and sound me...she say...now its more dofficult to see im back to you again...and now she want to lost contact with me...i now confused and scared...what should i do...if it too late?now i,ll try to do no contact step...its worth?

please advise me in stpe by step...FYI,my heart gets pain for 2 months since she broke the promise and relationship....but im willing to do again to get her back...i know,the hard approach didn't effective and also soft approach..what i do is medium approach...it is allright?

about my spirit...i always pray and positive..i need to imprving mycommunication to her...but how?she already don't want be friends with me...she is first love me..and me is also first love to her...im 25 years and she 20 years...

sorry about my bad grammar...


ryuuki(cont) 4 years ago

How long were you together with your ex?

3 years

How long ago was your breakup?

2 months

Do you consider yourself single now?

50-50

Does your ex consider herself single now?

nope..she find the new and better than me

Do you think your breakup was caused by cultural differences?

no..only because she say i controlling her compare the new partner he not control her...but im better other aspect compare her new partner


Beth 4 years ago

I commented on this hub about 4 weeks ago, about my ex who I left but wanted to go back to and then he went on a holiday to Thailand and met a Thai girl there and told me he didn't want me back anymore. I was so hurt and upset by it and I loved him so much it hurt for a very long time.

A couple of months after he went on said holiday he is still in a relationship with this Thai girl, she lives in Thailand and he still lives in Australia. He claims to be in love with her and says I never made him happy and he wants me to never contact him again.

A month ago I would have been a complete mess about it all. But I didn't even reply to him, and I now don't even want to speak to him ever myself. I don't love him anymore and finally see him for what he is. He obviously never cared about me or he never would have treated me like that. I'm happy again, lost 12 kilos, having a good time with friends and family again.

Anyway, moral of my story is to let everyone here know that life really actually does go on! It's so annoying when people say things like "time heals all wounds" and "there's plenty of fish in the sea" when you're heartbroken! You think people couldn't possibly understand how you feel. But really truly, things do get better.

This post helped me so much, I could have gone back to my ex if I had really wanted even after he met this girl, I could have begged and he would have taken me back I'm 99.9% sure, but this post made me realise that wasn't a good idea, an now I am so so sooo grateful!!!

Thankyou!


gkat 4 years ago

I appreciate your article very much-my boyfriend of only two months (I know that doesn't sound like much to brag about, but we were VERY close way before we actually got together) broke up with me a little more than a year ago for absolutely NO reason, and I kept telling myself I was over him, but never truly believed it. I tried going out with other people, flirting with other people, and my ex and I even stayed best friends for this past year as well. We talked about getting back together but it never happened. I longed to be with him again, but all of my friends told me I was too good for him, and I just couldn't believe them. So many times he hurt me, and so many times I told myself that I was done with his shit, and so many times he made ME feel guilty for something he had done, and so many times he told me a lie so I would forgive him, and so many times I realized I still loved him. Recently we had gotten into yet another argument and I told myself that I was done with him, not sure if I really meant it this time or not. Reading this article made me realize that although I still have feelings for him, I don't need him to make my life a happy one, and there are better people out there for me. I just need to meet that person.


Gerry Artist 4 years ago

Dear M. Rose,

lets see....where do i begin! Lol. Firstly i LOVE your aticle at the top and the '5 Reasons Why..." etc. and i also LOVE the way you speak to people in a kind and caring way and articulate your thoughts well and address each individuals needs and concerns for their specific situation! you deserve MUCH CREDIT just or doing that alone!

However, I myself having recently been "dumped" i prefer the words outshined or put aside etc. since the word :"dumped" itself is a bit harsh and unfair to the dumpee! Its NOT ALWAYS what it appears to be....especially since many of these folks WILL get back together down the line and try again! And that to me is a GOOD THING and should NOT me mocked, discouraged, or dowplayed for many many reasons. Some simple, some complicated.

Mind you, I do not accuse YOU per se of doing so. I find all your points to be logical and sound advice for anyone like myself who is suffering from depression and anxiety and heartache of loosing someone close to them whom they loved dearly in a brea-up. However...there ARE indeed MANY reason I believe people should NEVER give up if they TRULY TRULY love someone andwant them back and I can give a HUNDRED reasons why for every one of your five. And although I DO in fact acgree with most of what you say ("people don't change" being one BIG one)I will admit you are onto something here and that the other side of the coin DOES need to be presented. And you have done that admirably here in this article and thread.

I think and KNOW that people DO in fact change through out there lives and i would maintain that CHANGE is the ONLY thing constant in LIFE! The Chinese book of changes I-Ching is all about this. Now i know what yo MEANT to say was that peoples habits and behavior rarely change enough after a breakup enough to matter to repair the damage and allow the couple to move on and live a happy productive life together. This i ALSO must disagree with! To me yo are focusing on all the NEGATIVE aspects of the couple and why those aspects will probably still be there when you return IF you return to that same person again for another try! But really....it doesn't HAVE to be the dame if you are TRULY in love and you have half a brain and you TAKE THE TIME to do some research on realtionships and how they are sabatoged often end in tears and broken hearts etc.

What i'm basically trying to say here is that people CAN change and they CAN learn to compromise IF they put their minds to it, and IF they both care enough to MAKE A CONCERTED EFFORT to work THROUGH the diffuculties that EVERY realtionship brings with it. And no two are exactly the same. but I wold venture to guess after reasing all the posts above that MANY have ALOT in common and that thre are very sonsistent patterns of bad behavior that if we learn to nip in the bud early and diagnose and WORK ON fixing as a TEAM.....some (MANY) of these break-up and future attempts at reapiring them, MAY in fact be saved from doom and gloom and future crash and burn scenarios.

it is MY humble opinion after seeing what I've been through with MY gf (who was my FIRST and BEST FRIEND - female frien) from my high school years) that sometimes people just fall apart or get into a quagmire over the silliest of things all becuase the communication breaks down and things get twisted or interpreted the wrong way or come out the wrong way etc. Words often get us into serious trouble and sometimes they arent intended to be taken the wrong way! Humans are very complex beings and we sometimes just PROJECT onto things what WE want to see and hear and interpret things the way WE think they were meant and sometimes we FORGET the BIGGER PICTURE and just start getting caught up in trivial details an before you know it those details build up and have a cumulative detrimental effect on the overall relationship. And to ME....that is REALLY REALLY UNFORTUNATE....especially when BOTh parties involved really do love each other but just cant find the right ways to communicate it without hurting or backing the other party off! I saw this in MY relationship and I'm seeing it up here in these posts as well.

Please do not downplay the significance of the internets blame in all this and Facebook's sudden rise in popularity in the past 5 years and on the culture at large and the way in which the legal system and the media etc. glamorize and celebrate and make it so EASY for folks to just throw up their hands and give up and walk away. After all "Tthere are soooo many more fish in the sea" as the cliché goes and we hear all the time! I say......BULL!!! Although there ARE many more fish in the sea etc.... the odds of you finding one that you have as much in common with (which by the way is why our hearts hurt soooooo bad in some break-ups vs those in others) again anytime soon in life.....and lets face it...time DOES fly once you hit forty etc. are very slim indeed. More slim than I feel your chances of reconnecting with your ex and working things out and learning to accept and compromise are! THINK about that M/ Rose! I'm talkin mathematical probabilities her now. I'm talking memories that go back many years now! I'm talking people who have already learned to some degree to accept and love each others quirks and idosyncracies and flaws etc. and yet STILL managed to fall into and STAY in love for many GOOD reasons that are sometimes rare and hard to find these days!

So as you see....I'm the optimist and the glass-half-full guy and I coose to focus on the positive. i always tried to make my ex focus on them too and to STOP with the negativity and self-defeating knit-picking and pessimism. It was hurtful to her and frustrating to me and eventually built up in her enough to where she needed "space" as people like to say! Sometimes its true, but SOMETIMES its also a COPOUT in my opinion. Why? Because peoples idea of "space" often involves loose and indiscriminate sex and dead end affairs that are unfair to the other party and which are often unhealthy and unwise for the dumper to engage in for many MANY reasons which I need not get into here! Both physical and mental reasons! Again....MY OPINION!

But i am also fully aware that the dumper has the control and holds the ultimate cards and can do what her or she wishes in today's world...often with little conquences for their actions except for the pain and misery and broken heart (karmic scartissue) they leave on their mate by being so selfish and self absorbed and unwilling to TRY HARD to work THROUGH the issues and speedbumps in life....and to STAY AND FIGHT. Especially if they both really love each other and believe it WORTH the effort! It CAN be done and I;n here to say that MY mom and dad (now in their early late 70s and early 80s did it many moons ago when THEY split for a year, and got back after some effort and work at it and have been married for 50 years....and still going strong. I wish I could be as strong as them and I wish my ex gf would be more willing to compromise a little and stop it already with the pop culture nonsense of always "deserving better" and that whole stupid 'grass is always greener' type of imagery that music videos and songs etc, and TV shows often foist upon us in the guise of New Age self improvement! ya know what.....sometimes people just need to GROW UP and NOT MOVE ON and learn to STAY AND FIGHT for what they love and believe in and want. Never mind always running away and taking the easy way out and sampling ALL the buffet when what you have and need is sometimes RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU and HAS BEN THE WHOLE TIME but because of our selfish spoiled instatn gratification disposable cutlure that we live in now (thank the media and the lawyers and pop culture for that) some of us just drink the cool-aid and decide that its not even WORTH sacving or fighting for and simply start hopping from person to person spreading all manner of disease and baggage and scar-tissue and what have you...and THAT my dear M. Rose has what I choose to call a Karmic Ripple Effect.

And what that means is, by always taking the easy way out and not staying and trying your LE


Gemsy 4 years ago

I have to say I do agree with alot of what you've said Gerry. Whilst I have found this hub helpful in terms of the 'don't look back' kind of message i'm also struggling very much with the 'Think of all the bad things about your ex as honestly I can't!! Yes he ended it, yes he broke my heart but it isn't always the 'dumpee' who was the bad person. I wouldn't say I am either but I had lots of insecurity problems which made me behave in such a manor that I pushed him and pushed him till eventually he left. I'm seeking help for my issues and if this is one thing i'm angry at him for is that he didn't stand by me and help me through these problems especially as he said he still loves me and hurts just as much but it's still very very hard to detach myself from someone who didn't wrong me!! Ok so the bottom line is, if he was the right person then he would have stood by me as my issues were not a reflection of our relationship but my self esteem and insecurities from the past or whatever. So what i'm getting at is I agree Gerry that people give up too easily and don't fight for things. Maybe I just wasn't worth fighting for :(


Jo 4 years ago

We remember the good and simple times and forget the heartbreak and tears!


mick 4 years ago

first off I'm glad to c that people are still leaving comments and to c that I'm not alone my ex of an 8 year relationship and the mother of my 3 and half year old daughter has being breaking up with me 14 times in the last 2 years..and I have fought for her ever time but not any more after reading this..she has broke my heart to many times now so enough is enough now..she has and still has suffered with mental illness. I knew this ever since I met her. But I didn't care and wanted to be with her because I fell in love with her..things where always an emotional roller coaster with her as she had more bad days then good..I was always there for her emotionally and always got her through then.she always called me her rock..anyway after 4 and half years together she fell pregnant with our first and only child and during her pregnancy I have never seen her happier...but that soon changed again a year after our daughter was born..we where cuddling on the couch watching a film when suddenly out of know where she flipped and kicked me out..that's when all the fun started..LOL..I say LOL because if I don't laugh I will crack up completely..a week later she regretted what she did and begged me back saying she didn't realize what she done..things for fine for about a month then she flipped only this time she got violent with me and I had to call the cops..I also forgot to mention that I worked 2 jobs plus done 90% of the house work..cooking cleaning washing etc etc..never went out drinking and always devoted my time and energy into her and my daughter..the most recent episode only happened the other day when she was sick all week and so was I But I still managed to work and look after my daughter..while she was in bed..she got up Sunday night as she also has trouble sleeping for the last 4 months and went down stairs for a cup of tea to find I had the house spotless cleaned..she returned to bed and kissed me while I slept telling me how great I was and she would be lost without me...now this is where it gets weird..I was in work Monday morning when she text me telling me she doesn't want to be with me anymore..and kicked me out with no explaination..now she won't even answer my calls or texts..I am at my wits end..any advice..


M. Rose profile image

M. Rose 4 years ago from Orange County, CA Author

Robert: Horrible story! Some people are so manipulative, they can get others to do whatever they want. All you can do is avoid people when you realize they're like that. Sorry you went through all that :(

RZ: You deserve better. He hasn't treated you with respect with him jerking you around like he has. Moving on would be best for you. There's someone out there who's better for you!

Tamzin: Great comment! Bad relationships can turn into a habit, you're so right. That habit needs to be broken though! Thanks.

Georgina: If you feel like he's taking you for granted, he probably is. Trust your instincts. If you don't feel good about the relationship, get out!

can'tstopthinking: Yikes. I've known couples who do that...break up, get back together multiple times. Honestly for your own sanity, I say don't get involved. The last thing you want is to be in the middle of a couple like that. She won't be truly free to love somebody else until she's completely over her ex, which could happen soon or it could never happen. You just don't know. Good luck with everything.

The heart it's not blind: What a beautiful comment, Marco! I've never thought about the heart like that, but I think you're onto something. Thanks so much for sharing.

Cathy: Thank you! I think it's seriously wrong that there aren't more articles about why you shouldn't get back with your ex. A lot of "get your ex back" sites are false advertising!

ryuuki: That's a hard situation. It sounds like you're both very emotional right now, so it might be best to take a break from each other. Don't talk for a month, then see how you feel about each other after that. It sounds like you've both been hurt by each other. You may need some time to work it out. Good luck to you.

Beth: That's awesome! Good for you. I love to hear people's stories after they've gotten over their ex for good, so thank you so much for sharing with me and all the other readers.

Gerry Artist: My goodness, what a detailed comment! And very well written too. Your argument about people being able to change is VERY close to what I would write if I were arguing that people CAN change. Yes, they absolutely can. But as you said, it's hard work and you have to be willing to go through it. Many people aren't willing to do that. Because it's hard. Because it's easier to find someone new and screw up all over again. You may think that I would disagree with what you wrote, but I don't at all. I think it is important to stay and fight for what/who you believe in, if it's worth it. I think it's awesome that you're someone who's willing to stay and fight. That's an admirable trait...never give that up. Thanks for your comment!

Gemsy: There's nothing wrong with not being able to think about bad things! You may not relate to that. Not every break up is bad. Not every person has negative traits that you'd be able to say "that's why it's good we're not together anymore." Sometimes relationships just don't work out. And that's okay too. Yes, if he was the right person he would have stood by you working out your issues. But maybe it was bad timing. Maybe he wasn't the right person for you. Maybe he was just being selfish. It's not necessarily that you weren't fighting for...there could be many other reasons. Don't give up. Maybe the next person you meet will be the right one!

mick: You've been very selfless for taking care of her and your daughter all this time. You're very strong and kind for doing that. But man, you deserve better. You're carrying all the weight in the relationship, and that's not fair. An unhealthy situation like that isn't healthy for you or your daughter for that matter. Best of luck to you.


SomeGuyFrom NC 4 years ago

I'm very happy to read this post. I have been dealing with a break up for nearly two months. We were together for a year and a half, and had plans to get married. Most of our time was spent long distance... She had been here for around two months and everything was going great. We had weathered the storm of having to be away for half a year only for it to end abruptly. She had to find a job right away after plans for studying fell through. We had agreed that graduate school would be our next step. With her visa, this could not work for her. I was still in school finishing my last semester for my undergrad. Needless to say, I was kinda busy. I graduated middle of december, and before christmas, she was telling me that I was not wanting to move forward. I had scheduled a practice LSAT test for the next month, which was the earliest date. And she knew this. She had taken off to look for jobs in the area I was considering law school. I tried to tell her to hold off on the looking for a job, so I could figure out the best law school for me. I understand the need to work, but we had entirely different plans. With three cats, a lease, utilities, etc... I could not just pick up and move on the fly; which in fact, was my only option for keeping her happy. It was her third trip looking for a job in a nearby city two hours away, and I had to stand up for myself. I was upset that she kept going, and insisted on looking for jobs by herself. Being engaged, I thought. These are decisions that "we" should be making. I got upset, and that made her upset. Next thing, I'm hearing that she loves me, but she does not think we should make each other live lives were not happy with. I could not agree more. I was tore up, could not sleep, could not eat, couldn't think. It became very obvious after reading this, that she was not the one. Even though it really felt that way. The right one would respect my decision to get into the best possible law school, would respect decisions we made earlier and would not put me in a difficult situation. I knew this from the beginning, it just took time to accept it. I never had a broken heart, until this happened. I used to think I was invisible, and could not be touched emotionally. I was wrong. Still sad somedays. But its glad to know that I'm not alone.


MJ 4 years ago

Well it has been 4 years, I'm still alive and better, not so depressed. Some breakups are really hard to get over, sorry if it takes me a little while.I have good days and bad, I know it was for the best, my ex seems to be selfish and I like knowing someone other than me is getting used.


WINNY 4 years ago

THESE DISCUSSIONS REALLY HELP


Mrs wishing to be Ms 4 years ago

Thank you M. Rose. I guess I just didn't know better. If only I had gone across this article before I got married last year. It is true what you said, that people just don't change. I knew he was a selfish person, but I thought he would change and gave him a chance. He did change for months. A week after getting married though, he changed back to his old ways. Now I know the changes he made with his attitude were just pretends. Now my life is a complete mess and I only have myself to blame for getting back with my ex and marrying him. I wish I hadn't. If only I could turn back time... All I want now is to be free from this marriage.


Hannah Diehl 4 years ago

My heart drops reading this, but sometimes the truth hurts.


Konstantine 4 years ago

Reading the comments here really helped. It's been about 5 months or so since now my ex dropped me after being together for almost 4 years. After much thought I guess she was always trying to compare her goals/achievements with mine. Always trying to be equal to me or wanting to show others that she can be the same or better. It's in her nature I guess as I have always tried to help her with any of her personal goals. It hasn't been easy at all since I have the same thoughts going through my head everyday. I think it's even worse because of being single & feeling alone now. Now she wants to stay "friends." This is right after recently she tried to speak to me about how she has now started dating her EX again and is in love. I was upset at first, but I kept my cool. Believe me it was hard to keep my mouth shut. After a few days of thinking and talking to a couple of friends I realized that she's just completely lost in her direction in life. Even though I would consider another try for the sake of helping her, this hub is making it clear that an EX is an EX for a reason. She may have to learn the long and hard way herself.


vikas 4 years ago

thanx dude really wasted lot of time with someone who is always searching others and always telling lies i never know what exactly she wants and my health is deteroiting...its always better to leave har or breakup....thanx


Confused 4 years ago

This has really helped me. I have been reading lots of articles about "how to get your ex back" but this item is the most realistic. I dumped him despite still loving him very much, for the sake of my self respect. I am heart broken but I had to end it because he was completely disrespecting me: insulting me, giving me the silent treatment, being insensitive and cold etc. He wont change, I cried neary everyday... why would I want that again?! I will grow to stop loving him after time - well I hope so!!

The only part I don't understand though, and could do with some help with PLEASE is: we say people don't change but for the first few weeks he was Mr. Wonderful: romantic, thoughtful, warm, kind etc... was this fake then? If anyone can tell me what they think I would be very grateful. I am so confused!! I am trying to accept I wont get all the answers and move on but that part keeps going around in my mind!


Jim 4 years ago

Great page.


Jay 4 years ago

Great article, I just want to tell you that I have gotten back with my ex and it never turns out okay. She was my Girlfriend for 3 years before we broke apart the first time. We were in college back then so we had only common problems at that time. We sometimes fought specially when I knew that her ex boyfriends would keep texting her. I said to her that exes only want to shake what we have right now. I don't say I was the perfect boyfriend. Because she was a bit hard headed and I was a bit hot tempered when it comes to infidelity issues. To cut a long story short. The first break up because she realized she had feelings for her first love in high school. Bummer right? Well I grovelled, pleaded, and in the end I couldn't do anything. So I let go. I even talked to the other guy to leave his current girlfriend for my ex, because he was seeing them both at the same time. My ex was somewhat stupid in terms of romantics. And I was the type of guy that couldn't do anything. So I let go. I even went away from our province just to have a little bit time for myself. After 5 months, she said she wanted me back. Because she realized that it was me she liked. And the fact that the other guy stopped emailing her after he went back to his girlfriend. And so we got back together(because I was too late to read this article). We had wonderful first few months together. She was making me feel special, and I love every minute of it. We were also making plans for the future. Like going to the same med school together and the like. But when tough times came because she wasn't initially accepted in the med school we liked, while I was accepted. She broke down. I tried to console her and be supportive. But she keeps pointing out my faults and trying to compete with me. I kept trying to keep my cool, but she was so nice to everyone and It made me wonder why she was only so critical at me. So at I exploded in anger at one of her petty complaints about me. And asked her why such small things bothered her. she wouldn't give an answer,so my temper escalated to new heights. To the point of threatening behaviors like suicide attempt so that she would just say sorry. We broke up after that. The only weird thing is that he started to befriend again the other guy and his siblings. I asked why she was doing that, because the guy still had a girlfriend. She said that I can't control her life and that if she still has feelings for him I can't change that. So this article really hits home for me. My heart got broken twice by the same girl. And right now as I am trying to realize my dream, I am afraid that I am finding myself too weak, that I couldn't control my life. She still texts me. And whenever I try to text her, she keeps it cold and distant. I know I was in the wrong. And maybe our relationship was bound to implode.


Munequa 4 years ago

I was in a relationship for 4yrs up until the beginning of March. This man made me feel like no other. He treated me like a queen and everyone would tell me how he would kiss the ground I walked on. I always wondered if it was true. He called me all day and if I didnt answer he called me at work or message asking where I was, even knowing I was working. Ok i bought it, he really misses me. Flowers every week along with bringing me my coffee and lunch every day. I loved that. He really loved me. We did everything together and enjoyed each others company. We were happy and never got tired of being together. He was a musician and I supported him by being at all his shows and helping the band out. This past December I made a comment about a cd that I liked more than their latest and he became enraged. He took my drink and gave it to my co-worker. Left and the mean txts started. Calling me every name in the book. I broke up with him that same night. He apologized a couple of weeks later saying he felt like I critized his passion. That was just a few of the things he did when upset. He could be the sweetest man in the world but could also be the most heartless man as well. He would act different around his friends but with mine he was quiet and distant. If anyone said anything he didnt like, he always expected me to say sorry for them making a comment he didnt like. He always reminded me of all hed do for me. I will say this, i did take cheap shots at him and only cuz he wouldnt stop messaging women. He said I was his everything the love of his life.He said i brought the worse out in him and that he never behaved that way with anyone else.I wondered if it was me. I miss him so much but i went through this for the past 3yrs and was meantally, emotionally and physically drained. I finally had to let go and say i wasnt willing to be yelled at or have my things taken or thrown cuz he was mad any more. I even went as far as saying that if he wanted we could see a therapist. He said he didnt have a problem and never saw or heard from him again. I miss him. If 2 people love each other so much why is it hard to be happy? Why is it easier to disrespect the other without an ounce of remorse. Im trying to move past it but its been very hard.


Gareth 4 years ago

i stumbled on this page after typing into google search

'me and my ex gf have been talking again for a while and we are starting to get back on track as extremely close friends but she says she doesn't know what she wants until we sort ourselves out individually and to be honest neither do i' (a long google search term i know.....too many variables [and i'm a goddamn physicist i know a lot about variables]) this has shed some serious light on the other side of the coin of getting back for me. now I can go about my business knowing that I can remain friends and that if it's meant to be things'll happen if not, there is a reason for it and it's better this way. I've been so blinded by heartbreak and other misfortunes that something as logical as that was unapparent to me [again I'm a physicist so logic should have been the first path but love IS blind].

The section that may possibly be the most true for me is

'You may find yourself wanting your ex back because you're currently in a rut. You think back to the good times and wish they were still happening--you remember moonlit dinners, trips to the Cape, and now you're only making dessert for one instead of two (and it's much less gluttonous to eat chocolate cake with others). We all get stuck in the past every now and then, and while a little nostalgia can keep us going in the really bad times, thinking about what happened long ago is no good reason to get your ex back.'

Although I don't dwell on the past as I of all people I know understand that time is only relative, and unwavering [well depending on the view of observers and the participants].

Thank you very much for this post.

If anyone has any additional comments or useful tips or just wants a bit of advice or an unbiased friendly chat, I have no problems with strangers e-mailing my business e-mail

it is g-pid6969@hotmail.com.

Thanks for taking the time to read this reply.


Confused friend 4 years ago

A friend of mine actually made me read this years ago when I was thinking about getting back with my ex husband. It's funny how we much we actually absorbe and take in, when we don't want to hear it. He actually made me truly face reality that it is true you can't ever change the bad behaviors of a ex no matter how much they say they want to change.

The reason for this comment is I need some advice. I have this VERY DEAR friend that I love even more then my own family. He's the one friend that will be brutally honest with me even when it hurts and I love him immensel


chipojanet 4 years ago

Thanks Rose, I wish I had your read your advice when I was going through my break-up. It was so difficult and all I thought was that I just wanted my ex back. I was convinced he loved me so much, and was alittle confused especially when he found another girlfriend but really. I always hoped it would never las t between them and he would come running back to me!!! I dont mind saying what a fool I was. Now I am so happy it never worked between my ex and I. I was denying myself of happiness, appreciation, companionship and best of all Love.


Lacy 4 years ago

My ex and I never fought, but when his Dad was killed he changed and we said some really hateful things to each other, he left me and says he can't forgive what I said because it was too close to his father passing, well, he said things to hurt me too... So I don't understand why he can't forgive if I can.. We never even argued prior to that, we were together a year and was planning on getting married... I don't understand.


gayatree 4 years ago

really its very hard 4 me 2 b apart 4m that person with whom i had enjoyed the most beautiful moments of my lyf...bt how could he avoid me,how could his friends r much more imp. 4 him rather than me???if he doesn't need me thn why he showed me those beautiful dreams.....what 2 do?????i'm very alone,,,,,he was my best friend also...plz say me how 2 forgrt him,,,i don't want anything else.......plz plz say me how 2 erase him totaly 4m my lyf????


C. Nicole 4 years ago

Good article and great points. I just recently told an ex (who happens to be my child's father) I wanted to try again. He said he thought of the same thing. In speaking to him though, he is EXACTLY the same. I'm so p'd off that I even said anything. He's still selfish, highly critical, he still has women here and there, no self control, and he's horribly insecure (I could go on here). I haven't seriously dated anyone since him and yes it scares me to actually move on. I DO NOT trust him and refuse to make that mistake I made six years ago. I just wish it weren't so hard. I have to truly go through some "loving myself bootcamp". Then I won't care :-)


cool 4 years ago

Amazing post....These are the real questions we need to ask ourself....


yeA buddyyy 4 years ago

Thanks for the article....i showed this to a friend who couldn't get away from her abussive bf.... She reached out to me obviously wanting help and a way out....it worked well for awhile and she was starting to do well after finally kicking him out of her house. But this would only last a month...she starts to loss it and went back into contact with him....i was pretty disappointed to say the least especially after we confessed for having feelings for each other. I started to really liked this girl after being there for her the last couple of months... She was always looking down at herself and didn't think she deserve any better.... I tried my best to show her otherwise by being there for her whenever she needed me even though we were 3 hours away from each other...but i guess i failed. Well long story short....she went back to him and i choose not to not keep in contact because i don't see a point in dragging it on any longer. I really do miss her but i know i got to let her go... If only she can see herself thru my eyes then maybe she would know how much she is really worth....


Karen 4 years ago

My #1 Reason. There your ex's.


karen 3 years ago

Thanks for this article..one of the most sensible yet palatable article on this topic..i love my ex so much so much, but i am coming to terms to realise that it takes 2 to make it work.. he has thrown in the towel so long ago and I was just adamant to make it work.. i gave my best of everything but he married someone else out of the blue...bitter pill to swallow and im learning to cope


Futamarka 3 years ago

Парикмахеры, парикмахеры и чакры (зоны тела). Если деление людей на визажистов и парикмахеров такое простое и четкое, то почему же визажисты (или парикмахеры) так сильно отличаются друг от друга? Весь секрет в том, что каждый энергетический центр Прикол - чакра, в нашем теле может быть визажистивным или парикмахеривным независимо от других чакр. «Чистых» -Прикол - 100% визажистов и парикмахеров по всем чакрам очень мало, а вот «полосатых», когда у человека присутствуют одновременно визажистивные и парикмахеривные чакры, большинство. Именно этим и обусловлено разнообразие визажистивных проявлений у людей.


Carl8033 profile image

Carl8033 3 years ago

But what if he promises to have changed and I can really see that they have changed their ways? Wonderful hub by the way. :) Voted up and shared.


carrie Lee Night profile image

carrie Lee Night 3 years ago from Northeast United States

M. Rose: I voted this article up and interesting. I always love to read about relationship advice :) Thank you for writing this article, I think it is a wake up call to many people.


rose 3 years ago

my ex is not my enemy, so no problem with anyone that cruel on me. And already there are others in my heart today .. My ex is also a human being he certainly regrets the mistake while I was happy with my patience .. Keep smiling


Plennazed 3 years ago

Hey guys just wanted to tell you all about my new blog, its all about how to make money fast, so if you have 2 minuites have a quick read and tell me what you think. find


mrs max 3 years ago

My name is Mrs. Max,From USA ,and

I’m happily married with a lovely husband and

three children.I had a very big problem with my

husband few months ago,to the extent that he

even packed his things away from our house. He

left I and and my kids for almost 5 months,and i

tried all my possible best and effort to bring him

back.l discussed it with a very good friend of

mine,and he gave me an advice concerning a

spell caster, that he is the only one that can

handle my situations and problem,that he’s

always ready and able to do anything related to

spell casting and helping of the needy, pleas

every one i would like you all to contact him

with his email address,which is as

follows.”Kpeledesolutiontemple @gmail.com”. I

never believed in spell casting,but My friend

convinced me and i had no choice than to follow

my friend advice,because i never dreamed of

loosing my lovely Husband. And i contacted him

with his email address,and i discussed with him

all my problems and worries and so

surprisingly,he told me that I’ll get my husband

back a day after. I didn’t believed Him, until

when i got home,the next day,my husband

called me to inform me that he is coming back

home…..So Amazing!! That’s how i got my back

through spell casting and our relationship was

stronger than ever. One of the price i was asked

to pay was to tell it to the people around me that

problems like this,can always be solved by

awani. So! my advice to you out there is to visit

this same E-mail address,and tell him your

problems too,if you are in any condition related

to love issue or getting your ex back or and

problem at all, pleas Contact him and have a happy

life. you can contact him via email

(Kpeledesolutiontemple@gmail.c om )or +2347038111854


Komae 3 years ago

Hello every one i want to testify the great work of DR omozokpia who helped me bring back my ex-boyfriend when i was frustrated some months ago, me and my boy-friend have been dating for the past 6 years will love and cherish each other so much that he promise to marry me, one morning my boy-friend call me on phone telling me to come over and see him and i did, when i got there he was telling me different type of story that he is in love with his co-worker that he want to marry her after been with me for good 6 years, he use and dump me. i try all my best to have him back but know one could help till i come across one great spell caster DR Omozokpia and explain everything to him and he promise to return him back to me in just 48 hours, after casting the love and return spell my mark call me on phone asking me to forgiveness him that he still love and cherish me that he want to settle down with me, he came will prepare and did our marriage, right now will are in our honey moon in biggest hotel in Dubai, once again thank you for building my marriage and i will keep on sharing this wonderful testimony you can also reach him at: omozokpialovetemple@outlook.com


ELIZABETH 11 months ago

Just wanted to thank you and let you know how much you have helped me. since my divorce from a21-year marriage. It started out being one of the most difficult things I have ever attempted in my life. After a spell dr.malakasimu@gmail.com, My ex sent me an apology email and i sent him a response the next day…within seconds he called me and asked to see me and was crying because he was glad I was talking to him. We are starting out very slowly again as friends (which is difficult for me since I am still deeply in love with him). An interesting note is this is a long distance relationship and your DR.MALAKASIMU spell still worked!! I am so happy to have him in my life again.Thanks again,

Elizabeth

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working