5 Signs You're a Cougar

I'm tempted to flat-out diss cougars (older women who date much younger men) but am clever enough to realize that I may, myself, become one of these loathsome creatures someday when I'm old actually old enough to date someone 20 years younger. At the moment, that would make me a pervert, so I can't really pass judgement just yet. What I can do, however, is help some of the older tarts determine whether or not they happen to be cougars. Are you ready? Right, then; let's get on with our 5 Signs You're a Cougar.

1. You keep a stash of lollipops in your purse.

Only, they're not for you -- they're for seducing potential boyfriends. Granted, once he's old enough to drink legally, you might switch to beer or wine, but until that day, suckers it is. Not that he minds, he loves a bit of variety and finds the lollipops far more exciting than those pacifiers mummy sends him to bed with.

2. You hold yourself to very strict standards.

You're a woman of character and you never compromise your principles. Therefore, no one over the age of 25 is permitted entrance to your boudoir. And it's a good thing, too, as anyone with a bit of hair on their chest would have the sense to run screaming at first sight of your overused and overstretched web, as opposed to walking straight into that sticky mess.

3. You speak in shorthand, natch.

You're too clever for extra syllables and frequently shorten the bulk of your vocabulary to words the size of a pea. Because you tend to speak these words with others of your kind, you're typically unaware of how dull and predictable your Sex and the City chatter is. Although, to be fair, your ignorance may stem from all the martinis and cocktails addling your brain.

4. You're got a Platinum credit card for the local adult shop.

You spend all of your money at the local freak shop on various vids, toys and supplies. In fact, you're so liberal with your dosh the White House is considering awarding you a commemorative plaque for stimulating the local economy (and college campus) as much as you have. You are the American Dream personified.

5. You purr, growl or meow.

Most probably when driving down the street with the top down or when cruising the college pubs in search of freshmen. You do your best to sound sexy, but actually sound more like a gurgling baby with gas. Thankfully, the boys are usually too young to know senility when they see it and you manage to score, regardless.

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