7 Things I Will Never Say to My Wife

"viewing a love behind the veil of pain"

a veil that "I," in my flagrant male bravado built.
a veil that "I," in my flagrant male bravado built.

When people marry, a number of things happen. Silently, but surely, "changes," begin to creep in and take ahold of the marital partners as if "changes" were playing the roles of Ninja assassins.

And honestly, in some sad cases, they are assassins. The martial partners change so much that neither can absorb just how much the other one has grown-away from them, and that's when dark clouds begin to collect.

I speak from experience on this one. And now as I write this, I am completely-aware that "I" am not writing from an isolated area of life where only "changes" in my marital life only happen to me. I am not that much of a fool.

In short, I have been married to my wife, Pam, for 37 years. I've said this in past hubs, "I" was "most of the problems," we endured over the early years together. Just wanted to prove that not all men are prone to "pass the buck" of responsibility to another person. I live everyday with the bad memories of the things I've done and said to Pam, both in heated-voice, and civil.

Some things, not worth repeating while other things need to remind me of just how far along that I'm not in marital experience.

Then a few days ago, I made myself a list to view as a goal to achieve if we stay together as our minister said at our wedding, "til' death do us part." I like making lists. They can, if followed, be very beneficial.

This particular list involves my mind, tongue and lips all working in harmony as the particles of time slowly come and go as we live together, grow together and rediscover whom we are in this marriage and hopefully, "I" won't be the "butt" of any problems like I caused in our early years.

Okay. My list is this: "Seven Things I Will Never Say to My Wife," and don't go getting all self-righteous, my male readers. "oh, Kenneth, you are not perfect," you grumble. And your grumble is right. Plus noted. I am not perfect. I "might" slip in a moment of anger and break one of these things on this list that means to much to me. I am human after all.

FYI: Pam doesn't know about this list. If she did, I would be in hot water for she despises being in the public eye. That never bothered me in the least. But I will try to keep you updated as the months roll by to let you share in my progress, or console me in my failure.

1.) "can't you be like 'Donna,' the girl I was dating when I met you?" This is pure blasphemy against the union of marriage. Plus causes sudden, deep-rooted hurt in the martial partner who hears this deadly question. I have done and said very-stupid (and immoral) things when I was younger, but dear God, help me to never say this to my wife.

2.) "it wouldn't hurt if you chose to lose some weight." I married Pam not for her weight advantage or handicap. She and I became good friends first--and never judged each other. To say something as mean-spirited as this would definitely rate high on my personal "Stupid Things Men Say" list, and I sure don't want that kind of limelight.

3.) "I can't take a joke, eh? I've taken this marriage for years." A great way for me to start a new life, alone, at age 58 and talk about tough. This is the toughest road to walk, so I've been told. Bad or good, "I" made a vow, a commitment to Pam before God 37 years ago, and know what? God expects me to try my best to honor that vow even with my human frailties.

4.) "just let me have all weekend to hang out with my friends." First of all, I haven't any married or single male friends who want to get out of range of our homes and "hang out," and for what, wasting time? I can do that by myself. I do not desire all-weekend "booze fests," with my buddies who used to drink, so that pretty much wraps it up. I am the happiest recluse you ever met. And talk about a thrill. When Pam says, "want to head to the Huddle House for a bite?" I get a big thrill from this question. And to spend some time with her.

5.) "you call this a Christmas gift?" Gift or no gift, I never demanded "any" gifts for any occasion in our marriage, so why would I allow my human ignorance kick-in and say something like this? It doesn't matter if I don't get a gift at Christmas 2012 and beyond. Just having a good companion like Pam is more than I deserve.

6.) "where do you think you are going?" When we married, I told Pam that, "you are not a piece of furniture or breed of livestock. There is a world of difference in a marriage license and a bill of sale." Pam has a mind of her own. A much-more sensible mind that I have. I know this for a fact. And I respect her, and trust her with my life. I think I've made my case.

7.) "wish I was out of this marriage." That one sentence would cause Pam so much pain and torment that I truly believe that God Himself would send a sharp lightning bolt with my name on it to strike me down to the ground. Friends, I may look and sometimes act stupid, but not that stupid. Besides I am slower than His lightning anyway.

Updates to follow.

Thank you for reading this hub. I mean that. (Kenneth).

"her tears one by one flooded her soul"

and I helplessly watched as the love that I once had, vanished like a phantom in the night.
and I helplessly watched as the love that I once had, vanished like a phantom in the night.

More by this Author


Comments 36 comments

MamaTschet profile image

MamaTschet 4 years ago from Northern Colorado

Kenneth, you are a smart husband! All good things here, to NEVER say!

Hopefully some guys can learn from your wisdom!


mizjo profile image

mizjo 4 years ago from New York City, NY

Thank you, Kenneth, for that wonderful, insightful list that every man should read before proposing to any woman. If there is one item on it he thinks he can mock, he should thank God on his bended knees that he has been saved from hurting a good woman.

You are both very blessed to have had 37 happy years together. I didn't say 'lucky' because luck had nothing to do with it. You obviously have a lot of mutual love and respect. God bless.


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

Your advice is prudent, Kenneth - and the wisdom collected over many years of...listing! Your wife is a lucky, lucky woman - and i can only assume she regularly 'lists' the reasons why! A man that evolves, communicates, apologies, learns, emotes, has empathy and says i'm sorry? DO YOU HAVE A BROTHER? COUSIN? FATHER? LOL...


chrisinhawaii 4 years ago

Well said, Kenneth. I'm sure it's no fun to be on the receiving end of one of those remarks...permanent damage. Love can forgive, sure...but even true love cannot truly forget (except maybe with a little help from Mr. Al Z. Heimer).

Good luck to you in that quest to keep the tongue tamed! All of us husbands can learn a thing or two about disciplining ourselves in this area (and perhaps a few wives could work on this, too).

Voted up and beautiful! And shared! Have a great day, Kenneth. Aloha


Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

Jo_Goldsmith11 4 years ago

What a beautiful written hub. Thank you for sharing this. It is timed perfectly and Pam is very lucky to have you! :) Just as you are lucky to have her. Indeed! I voted this up, bookmarked and shared. I will pass this along to both male/females and couples I know who could benefit from this honest story. Take care and wishing you both happy days! :)


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 4 years ago from Minnesota

Kenneth-this is what I like so much about you. You are so real and authentic. Thanks for sharing this list. I can even even use it living with my twin sister who is my best friend. There are times we both really say and do crummy things. She is so dear to me and I always feel terrible when we've had a fight and I've said something in anger. I am behind you in doing well on your list with Pam. She is one very lucky woman to have a man that is willing to work on himself. Have a great Labor Day my friend.


Rfordin profile image

Rfordin 4 years ago from Florida

Congrats on 37 years that my friend is a huge accomplishment. Good luck in holding your tounge and avoiding those 7 hurtful things.

~Becky


picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 4 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

Well Kenneth, you are not only a good writer, but a smart man!!


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Smart list! It is always wise to think before we speak and I know you do this...good for you!


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Super hub. Voted up and awesome but wish there was a button that said amusing. Great words of wisdom. So glad to hear from a husband who really adores his wife. Passing this on.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

Any one of these statements could get you killed!


Suzie HQ profile image

Suzie HQ 4 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

Hi Kenneth,

I reiterate a previous comment I left you "Howl ucky are you Kenneth's partner" - Now I know that your partner in life is your wonderful wife!

Awesome piece of heartfelt writing buddy. Wish there were more men and women with so much integrity and thoughtfulness. A great list, agree with them all as being major NO NO's and I look forward to following your updates! You've set the guidelines, know the consequences and the love of a good woman after 37 years counts for so much. Voted up, Interesting, Funny, Useful and sharing on!! :-)


TToombs08 profile image

TToombs08 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

You show exactly how much you cherish your wife with your simple words and actions. Great job, Kenneth. It took a real man to admit to his mistakes and make a decision to do better by his wife. I wish you much continued success on your path to a better marriage and life. :)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Well....Ken, I admire the self-disclosure and honesty, with a bit of humility added. Very interesting hub full of self-appraisal and remorse.

Let me echo Pop's statement....probably a bit more intensely. Your PAM, sounds to me like a loyal, tolerant, devoted lady. How humble and forgiving can a woman be? You're one lucky man, considering...to still have her with you.

Raw honesty? I would tolerate that sort of treatment from the man who vowed to love, honor and treasure me.......for about 30 seconds. He would then be searching for a new victim. My first vow is never throw one moment of my life away for anyone who is unaware or unappreciative of my value. Period. the end.

I'm impressed with your regret and promise to NEVER do any of these horrific things again......I wish you and Pam luck and a much better relationship. All people can change for the better. Peace.....UP ++ ( Sorry if my comment stings a bit, but I am, if nothing else, VERY REALISTIC, as well as blunt......and you seem to be into "realistic" these days.)


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 4 years ago from Arlington, TX

Obviously you know where not to skate on that thin ice.

TFP


moonfairy profile image

moonfairy 4 years ago

this hub touched me in that I feel that there are life lessons that you've learned the hard way. Marriage is a learning process, and my husband has said things that have hurt my heart and soul even though I know he loves me with all his heart. It's funny because I read fpherj48's comment and I'm very much like her...burn me and I'm done, but for some reason I havent' done that yet. Maybe it's because I see inside him....but that's another discussion.

For what it's worth, it seems to me like you're completely devoted to Pam, but you did not once mention in your hub that you love her. You may not ever want to hurt her again, but if there's just devotion and no love, you are hurting her without realizing it. Your aspirations are honorable and I did enjoy reading your hub...your honesty is profound.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Mama Tschet,

You are a very kind lady to leave me such a kind comment. Thank you so much. I appreciate your candor.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Mizjo,

Thanks to you also for your sweet comments. If I have learned ONE thing about marriage in 37 years, it is this: "The problem(s) in MY marriage is ME."

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear ImKarn,

You are too kind. But I admire you for taking the time out of your day, or night, to read my hub and leave me this nice comment.

And no. Only a sister, who lives across town. Sorry.

KENNETH

PS: visit with me anytime.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Aloha, Chrisinhawaii,

and thanks to you for being such a honest person. When I write things like this, I am preaching to ME, not necessarily others. I can never use too much self-help.

KENNETH

Aloha!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Jo,

Thank you sincerely for your sweet words. I am encouraged by what you said, and if I can help ONE MARRIED MAN or a man about to be married, then I am happy. But sadly, wisdom sometimes comes with suffering.

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, Minnentonka Twin,

Thank you kindly. I appreciate your warmth and caring words. I would hate to try and live without Pam, or any of my followers. Surely HubPages is a great place to share our lives.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Greetings, Rfordin/Becky: I appreciate your warm wishes. But pray for me that I WILL hold my tongue, or learn how to hold it. That in itself would be a great goal for me or any man.

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, picklesandrufus,

You are constantly amazing me with your heartfelt words. Thanks so very much.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Catgypsy,

Thank you, dear friend, for the confidence. Sometimes it takes a DEAR friend like you to give one a dose of encouragement. Thanks and I will share all of these with Pam.

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Gypsy Rose Lee,

I want to just say "thanks," for your kind and uplifting words that you gave me. I am sorry to you and all of my followers who commented and I am now only returning your kindnesses. My eye surgery was successful, Thank God and I am slowly getting back into my hubbing.

Thank you all.

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, breakfastpop . . .how true you are. How true. Thanks for the gentle-but-kind reminder.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, SusieHQ,

What can I say, but thank you, for your very-touching words. I appreciate YOUR votes too. And I am the blessed one in my marriage. Wy' just today I had the dark thought, what would I do if I had to live my life alone?

I will not be thinking that again.

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, TToombs08 . . .and I take this moment to offer you my sincere thanks for a very nice comment. I cherish YOUR comments as well as all of those left by my followers. Keeping my followers happy is what I like to do, but keeping Pam happy is my number two priority besides keeping God first in my life.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, fpherj48,

Loved your comment to the soul. I really did. It makes me feel good to have followers/friends who are as sincere and YOU ALL. I cannot thank you enough.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

The Frog Prince,

You are correct, sir. And those skating lessons I took cost me several, several gloomy days in the dog house in our early marriage.

Thanks for your kind and needed-comment.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Moon Fairy,

First off, thank you, for your honest comment. I appreciate your no-nonsense style of talking and writing. Secondly, since our first day of marriage, each day and each night, I end my day with "I love you, Pam," plus in my older years, I give her a nightly-foot and back rub for she is our bread winner since I am disabled. Do I love her? You bet I do. I should have noted that, but I didn't. I thought that was understood, but thanks for reminding me of what I need to say about her in my future hubs.

Kenneth


Ana Louis profile image

Ana Louis 4 years ago from Louisiana

Liked this hub. Funny I just did one on marriage. In all honesty we are all pretty dumb about what it takes to make a marriage work when we first get married. There is a lot to learn and a lot to forget. By that I mean we really have to forget about ourselves and our selfish wants - we usually call them needs. There must be love, respect, consideration, self-sacrifice, and comittment - willingly - by two people in order for both to realize the fullness of marriage. It is alway a work in progress.

You said that "The marital partners change so much..." I would have said that same thing some years ago, but I don't think we really change, actually we just start seeping out...being who we really are and were from the beginning. I fear that the beginning of relationships are not always formed in complete honesty.

Voted up and look forward to reading more of your hubs.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Ana,

Hello. Nice to meet you here. I loved your comments. This proves to me that you are very talented, not only as a writer, but on the arena of life.

And per your observations, I agree 100%. Very astute. Honest and to the point. Maybe "we" dont change, but just evolve. That would have made the perfect Beatle song in my opinion.

Thanks again and I invite you to be one of my followers so I can keep up with you and your very colorful writings.

I will be on the look out for you.

KENNETH


lovedoctor926 4 years ago

Ouch! 1, 2, 5, 7.. In the heat of the moment, we sometimes say things that we don't really mean. I hope you didn't crush her too much


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Lovedoctor,

I havent said any of these to my wife. I agree. In the heat of the moment we all say stupid things. Especially men. But the headline says, "7 Things I Will Never Say to My Wife," and God help me if I do. Thanks, love, for your kind input.

Love ya.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working