A Few of The Wrong Ways Men Have Been Kissing Women

Backward kissing is not only awkward, but many times non-romantic.
Backward kissing is not only awkward, but many times non-romantic. | Source

The science of kissing

As long as there have been men and women, kissing has been the integral gear in the "Romance Machinery." Kissing is one, if not the best way for one to express their heartfelt feelings for a member of the opposite sex. Did you ever think of that?

I did my share of kissing in my day when I was able. I never gave much thought to taking a pretty girl in my arms, holding her gently, staring into her icy-blue eyes and "laying one on her pretty lips." I thought that I had won a gold medal in the Olympics if she didn't resist and claw my face with her nails. Victories and defeats. I had a little of both to educate me out as a complete male as I grew up.

I prove my point by showing you how foolish the guy is in this video.

This guy talked so much that both he and his date fell asleep before the kiss.
This guy talked so much that both he and his date fell asleep before the kiss.
Men, you are not  a Galapagos turtle, so do not be so slow that she loses interest.
Men, you are not a Galapagos turtle, so do not be so slow that she loses interest.
Really? Her climbing onto you like you are an Oak tree?
Really? Her climbing onto you like you are an Oak tree?
She is on top of him. What is this a WWE Main Event?
She is on top of him. What is this a WWE Main Event?
When a girl has to wake the guy up to kiss him, something  is not right.
When a girl has to wake the guy up to kiss him, something is not right.
For guys who like to bite their girlfriend's jaw, well this is not cool with the girlfriend.
For guys who like to bite their girlfriend's jaw, well this is not cool with the girlfriend.
What an ignorant man. Laying on a railroad track to show his macho attitude to get the girl to kiss him.
What an ignorant man. Laying on a railroad track to show his macho attitude to get the girl to kiss him.
She is turning away from his advances. Smart girl.
She is turning away from his advances. Smart girl.
What is this? Now the guy is crawling over her back to kiss her?
What is this? Now the guy is crawling over her back to kiss her?
This stance is more like it.
This stance is more like it.
Her body language says that she is afraid he will want to dance.
Her body language says that she is afraid he will want to dance.
Girls hate to be pecked on the cheek like a rooster eating lunch.
Girls hate to be pecked on the cheek like a rooster eating lunch.
Girls hate being kissed and then left by the guy as if he were The Road Runner.
Girls hate being kissed and then left by the guy as if he were The Road Runner.

Men, I am not picking on you

Now, men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is: I am not here to single you out and make you feel foolish. The bad news is: For years you (and I) have been doing the kissing thing all wrong. That's right. All wrong. I didn't have to make "us" look foolish. The way we have kissed women did that for us. And I will bet you that even now those women we kissed thinking we were mentors of Don Juan are laughing their butts off at us.

So as a public service, I am giving you now . . .

A Few of The Wrong Ways Men Kiss Have Been Kissing Women

(Here are just a few examples of how we have been kissing women for most of our lives).

The Galapagos Turtle -- sure, girls love for a man to take his time in romancing her and to make that special moment last. But two or three hours to just kiss her? If you are kissing your lady like this, you best learn how to deal with "good-bye."

The Road Runner -- please, guys. You have waited for this girl for ages. Don't blow it now with a kiss so fast the speed of it almost blinds her simply because you are shy. This is so not cool.

The Circus Clown -- you cannot kiss your pretty girl without a horse laugh. Maybe it was that movie you and her watched starring Chevy Chase. Now I am wondering why you are still laughing at Chase. That movie was two hours ago. Nevertheless, "that" special mood has vanished. You can horse laugh all you want.

The Master Chef -- you and your sweetie had one of the best dinners on record at one of the finest restaurants on earth. But when it comes time to kiss your sweetie good night, she declines because you have a large chunk of Spanish olive stuck in your front teeth. What a bummer. Only master chef, Gordon Ramsay can get away with this.

Pecking Order -- means a little "peck" on her cheek and you call that a romantic kiss? It might be that your parents have sheltered you and taught you that a full-on lip-on-lip kiss with a pretty girl will send your soul to eternal damnation. Wake up. Wise up. And grow up. If this theory is true, we all will be in the Lake of Fire.

The Auctioneer -- talk, talk and more talk. That's all you have done since you picked up your fiance for a night of dancing. But on the dance floor you get an urge to kiss her, but you have to regale her of how good of a football player you were in high school years ago. Talk that is not romantic turns a girl off fast.

The Hands-on Approach -- guys, read this one carefully. You are a disciple of the ladies men on television. You appreciate those guys like Lee Majors (Big Valley) who kissed a girl and very gently held the sides of her face in his hands. You think this works for all guys. What an idiot you are. On your first date with the sexy cashier at the grocery store, she punched you in "the privates," and ran away because you never bothered to wash your hands when you came out of the men's room. Note: toilet tissue stuck to a man's hands does not make your date romantic. It turns her stomach.

Warning: Allergies on Attack -- make sure before you take your date out on the town that your allergies are under control. Pretend for a moment that you are a girl about to be kissed by a guy who only sneezes in your face. Do I need to say more?

The Flash Technique -- DC Comics has a very popular hero, The Flash, the fastest man on earth. But you will have many lonely days and nights if you try to set a new world's record in kissing your dates. Girls like for guys to be slow in moving toward that romantic area of kissing. So leave the comic books to the kids and you master the technique of doing things at a slower pace.

The Hungry Hunting Dog -- has to be the most distgusting approach in kissing a girl besides dressing like a donkey and bray before you try to kiss her with those huge lips. The Hungry Hunting Dog is when a guy's lips meets the girl's lips and he licks her lips while their lips are locked. Do not do this. She will think you are so hungry that you are licking her lipstick for a snack.

The Eyes Shut -- routine is super-sexy, but be careful. As you kiss your date with your eyes closed, make sure she is not a pick-pocket who loves to steal men's wallets. Or worse, you have had a rough week and you fall asleep and snore in her face.

The Snake Bite -- is the worst when it comes to kissing styles. First, always make absolutely sure that your teeth are in good shape. Why? Let's assume you are kissing your date good night after a great evening and your nerves get the best of you and you clamp down on her lips with the two teeth in your mouth with sharp points that resemble a snake's fangs. Your date will say, "I will think about it," as you apologize and say, "Can I call you tomorrow?"

Now that you men have now learned how not to kiss a woman, go out there and use your new wisdom and be a "kissing guru": Who every woman dreams about.

Terrible start. Good ending

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Comments 4 comments

Nadine May profile image

Nadine May 17 months ago from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa

I was truly curious what you would write with a title like that... while reading, it took me back years, about my very first tong in mouth kiss....Gosh was I shocked, I was only 15. It was an enjoyable read nevertheless!


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 17 months ago from Minnesota

I am still laughing at that hilarious video above. I have always loved your great sense of humor in your writing. Not only was this funny and fun to read, it can help guys learn what women like and don't like. I voted up and hit every single button my friend.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 17 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, Minnetonka Twin,

Thanks for telling me that you laughed at this hub. That makes me feel like I am a part of this life and serving a useful purpose.

Laughter is good for us and if I can make you laugh, I will do it. I had rather make you laugh to ease your stress than say nasty things just to make you cry.

God bless you.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 17 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Nadine,

I enjoyed your comment too. And your comment took me back to my first tongue in mouth kiss. It was so gentle at first and then it was like a firecracker whose fuse had just burned quickly and the explosion of happiness in my heart was one that I will not forget.

Thanks so very much for making my night.

Stop by and talk to me anytime you want.

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