A Vintage Collection of Stupid Things That Men Have Said, or Still Say to Women

Men. God bless men everywhere. What would our world be without men? I don't know. That question was aimed at the ladies in our audience. Oh, I did hear a few, "better off's," "more sensible," and "easier," by some outspoken ladies, and I appreciate their candor. Personally, our world would be dull, chaotic, and pure pandemonium without the ladies in our lives. That is the Gospel truth if it were ever told.

Albert Einstein. Leonardo Da Vinci. Henry Ford. Galileo. Ludwig Von Beethoven. And Sir Isaac Newton. These are just a few of "the elite" men whom society has named as enlightened. Highly-intelligent. Deep-thinkers. Genius-minded. Special souls who have not only touched, but carved our world with their various thoughts and priceless contributions. Sadly, "I" do not rank among these "mental giants." Hey, I don't even come close. Not that I haven't dreamed (as a young man) of being highly-intelligent and sought-after by major universities to help solve many of the medicinal or social problems that plague mankind. But my dreams, like the dust of a well-travelled road, blew away as the years went by and I just grew complacent. No big deal. I "do" know when to get in from the rain.

This hub is lovingly-entitled, "A Vast Collection of Stupid Things Men Have Said or Still Say to Women," and from the beginning, you can easily tell that I have done my homework on these idiotic statements and remarks that men have made and I have been blessed to keep them in my memory banks for just this occasion. I am anxious to share them with you. And on a sincere note, I hope that whatever men are reading this hub, "you" aren't guilty of saying any of these ignorant utterances. I mean that.

1. Man on a Blind Date: "Well now, I see that you haven't missed many meals!"

2. Man During a Blind Date: "You make me think of my mother."

3. Man Saying Good Night to Blind Date: "Pardon me. I have to get that piece of rib eye steak out of my teeth before I kiss ya!"

4. Man Talking to Blind Date the Next Day on The Phone: "Aren't you glad that I didn't try to get to "third base" with you last night? My buddies bet me that you were "that kind of girl."

5. Man Now Alone Talking to New Date Prospect: "Come on. Go with me to dinner. I won't make you pay for it like I did my last date."

6. Man After New Date Prospect Slaps His Face: "My buddies bet me that you were a prude!"

7. Man Accidentally Bumping Into a Pretty Girl in An Elevator: "This is ironic! I just read your name on the wall in the men's room last week!"

8. Man Talking to Waitress When Dining Alone: "Tell me, sugar. Are you like what your boss said, "hot-to-trot?"

9. Man Trying to Apologize to Angry Waitress: "I'm sorry, toots! It's just your boss said that your nickname was "Easy Pleezie!"

10. Man Being Booked by Female Police Officer: "Are "those" real? Your bullets, I mean."

The first ten items of "stupid things men say to women or still saying," are mostly for the single man. The following ten items are for the MARRIED MAN who is no better off when he lets his mouth over-ride his brain when talking to his wife.

1. Man Commenting on Wife's Dress: "My buds said that you didn't look good in burlap, and I bet them fifty-bucks that you did."

2. Man Responding to Wife's Confession of Her Hurt Feelings: "Hey, Marge. Janey Sue is just like that. Abrasive. I love her to pieces for being honest. Oh, she called you a "lard butt"?

3. Man Explaining Why He is In A Bad Mood: "I'm not in a bad mood, honey. I just told my boss about me coming home to "you" each night."

4. Man Watching Football Game on TV: "Honey, do you mind moving from in front of the screen? I swear we need a 52" plasma you are so big!"

5. Man With Too Much to Drink at Cocktail Party: "Hey, my wife here does a great impression of a hungry St. Bernard! Go ahead, dear. Stand on your hing legs and beg!"

6. Man Coming in Late From Drinking With Pals: "Awww, honey. Yes, I did drink a lot tonight, but at least I did something good. I thought of you each round we had!"

7. Man Giving Anniversary Gift to Wife: "The man at the Big Lots store in the mall said this wasn't a "cheap" gift, but a gift for a "thrifty" woman."

8. Man (Not-Thinking) Complimenting His Neighbor, "Bob's" Wife: "Pretty dress, Linda! I wish my wife looked that good in pink!"

9. Man Talking to Buddy on Phone at Home: "Ball and Chain? Oh, you mean MY WIFE!"

10. Man Talking to Wife about Dinner She Has Cooked: "Awww, pork chops--again! I was expecting some GOOD food!"

These last Five Items of Stupid Things Men Have Said or Some Might Still Say to Women are what I consider, "The Hall of Blame." The epitome. The "top of the heap." "THE" Most-Stupid Things a Can Could Ever Say to a Woman--anytime. Or anywhere.

A. Man on Honeymoon: "Yesss! Jo Ann! Oh, Jo Ann!" "Oops, sorry, dear. She was my last girlfriend who dumped me before you married me."

B. Same Man on Honeymoon, Different Night: "Larry!" "Oh yeah, Larry!" "Why did I call a man's name, dear? Oh, haw, haw, I'm not gay, Larry is my older brother who "TAUGHT ME HOW TO MAKE LOVE."

C. Same Man Out for Walk with New Wife: "Look honey! A pile of dog poop! Isn't that funny? It reminds me of you when you smile!"

D. Same Man in Argument with New Wife: "Hey, I never dated whores! I paid for them like all men do!"

E. Same Man Later in Marriage: "Man, how I wish you, (his wife) had been more "experienced" like "Delores," who worked the pole at Bam Bam's!"

Now then. Guys if you are guilty of saying any or most these things, now can print this hub out and keep it handy so when you are tempted to speak to your wife, girlfriend, or waitress without first thinking, you can refer to this list.

And I won't forget you, guys, when I walk up to accept the Nobel Peace Prize for my personal contribution to the Social Communications Skills of Modern Man.