Cheating and Affairs while married: A letter to my husbands mistress

Where do I begin?

I'm uncertain whether or not to congratulate you on the biggest achievement anyone with a low moral standard could ever strive for - breaking up a home.
Yes, I would never give you all the credit because I know that my husband had his fair share in the deal but woman to woman, knowing we were married why would you stoop that low?

I look into the eyes of my 10 month old son and my mind races forward to 5 years from now when the questions start. He's going to want to know why mommy and daddy aren't together... what do I tell him? You're the smart one. I'm so stupid that I couldn't see my husband’s infidelity for almost a year while married and living with him so I definitely can't figure it out. You're the one of higher intelligence; you tell me how I answer him?

How do you do it?

How do you wake up every morning, look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re a good person knowing what you've done? How do you sleep with a married man and tell yourself you’re in a relationship? How do you come into our home, see our son’s toys sprawled on the floor and not feel an ounce of remorse for destroying his home? What kind of person are you?

I pity you

I pity your ignorance. You're immaturity. Your lack of empathy. I pity you because you’re a worthless lost cause. Don't you know that you're not special? Don't you know that if he cheated with you he'd cheat on you?

While he was sleeping with you he was messaging other people trying to hook up with them and get them to do what you were doing for him already - entertain him. I saw the messages; it was right before his texts with you - the ones that revealed your affair to me. It could have been any of the women he messaged but you just happened to be the one easiest enough to jump into the sack with a married man.

Now that it's all in the open you're still in denial. Don't you see that you're just another side to him? While you're raving about being in a relationship with him he's texting me, begging me to take him back and telling me what a fool he was to mess around with you. He's telling me he misses me and that you're nothing to him. You were nothing to him. You were just the easiest to get with. If it wasn't you it would have been someone else so yes, I won't give you all of the credit - you're not even worth that.

Mother and Son holding hands
Mother and Son holding hands | Source

In a nutshell

You came into our lives and damaged our family by taking what wasn't yours. We had our ups and downs, our hard times and our bumpy roads but we were a family and you destroyed that. You may have wounded us BUT you would never be able to kill my son and I. We are stronger and we will be okay. We begin the process of rebuilding ourselves; putting our lives back together and finding the happiness we deserve.

Yes, my husband played his role but you, my dear will one day get what you deserve. When your world falls apart beneath your feet and the air feels so tight that you can't breath - you aren't as strong as I am - so I want you to think about me with your last breath. Kharma will catch up to you.

In closing...

I'd like to say THANK-YOU for being the person to open my eyes to my husband’s lack of loyalty. If he didn't have you to mess around with I would have never known the shallowness of his moral standards or lack of maturity and commitment.

You may have destroyed a marriage but you saved an individual who deserves so much better.

May life give you everything you deserve!

"Vengeance is mine" - says The Lord, "I will repay!"

Signed

- The Strongest Woman You Will Ever Know


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11 comments

Jade89 profile image

Jade89 2 months ago from Johannesburg - South Africa Author

Hi Bea

Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment :)

I agree with you completely and would never do that. In fact, I took the opposite approach - tried to encourage time with his dad as much as possible. Unfortunately this didn't work well at all. In me encouraging and almost begging my ex to visit and spend time with our son, he saw it as him doing me a favor every time he spent time with our son. The end result was every time he felt like he wanted to "punish" me, he would stay away from our son.

Our parenting plan awards my ex every second weekend with my son and I verbally agreed to additional time when discussed and planned in advance for planning reasons. Despite this my ex has chosen not to see our son in 10 months.

I guess in some cases you can’t force a parent to have a relationship with their child. I do believe though that my son gets all the love and attention he could ever need from me and other family members so it is my exes loss.


Bea Marino profile image

Bea Marino 3 months ago from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. How awful.

I must urge you to continue to consider your child's feelings when it comes to having a relationship with both of his parents. Please don't allow your feelings to dictate a limited contact custody order with his dad.

I can totally relate to your plight and don't want you to think I'm attacking you in any way. I just know from firsthand experience how damaging it is to a child when one parent keeps him/her away from the other. Best wishes to you as you move on to bigger and better things.


Jade89 profile image

Jade89 17 months ago from Johannesburg - South Africa Author

I agree with you completely! It drives me completely nuts. She really cannot be mentally stable.

With regards to my son, yes you're right - unfortunately I can't just cut all ties with my ex and move on. I'm just happy that my son won't grow up thinking his father’s behaviour is or was okay because that's what happens in his household. I needed to get a divorce to be a good example for him so that he can be a better man in the future.

Thanks a lot :)


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 17 months ago

WOW! That's incredible that she had the nerve to come to your house!

Sometimes these "side girls" act as if the husband is cheating on them with the wife! It's unfortunate that you will have to maintain a lifelong connection with your ex for the sake of your child. However I know you'll be fine.

Best wishes!


Lady Summerset profile image

Lady Summerset 17 months ago from Willingboro, New Jersey

Excellent point Dashingscorpio:

•Is there a difference between someone having cheated and having an affair? Yes! A person who has one night stands or even sees prostitutes for sex is different from someone seeking to maintain an ongoing relationship of some kind. An affair usually involves dating and making promises. Serial cheaters don't want any strings attached.

Most people don't realize that there is a difference between cheating and an affair --


Jade89 profile image

Jade89 17 months ago from Johannesburg - South Africa Author

Thanks a lot MsDora.

Yes lol sometimes it does help to get something off your chest.

It helps to know that once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up :)


Jade89 profile image

Jade89 17 months ago from Johannesburg - South Africa Author

Thank you very much Lady :)

I'm sorry for your experience too.

My son is my main focus point at the moment. In a way I'm glad that he is still young and will thus hopefully be able to adjust to everything (the divorce etc.) easier


Jade89 profile image

Jade89 17 months ago from Johannesburg - South Africa Author

Hi Dashing

Thanks a lot for the comment.

Yes, I totally realize that my husband was just using her and that if it wasn't her it would have been someone else and that's the point I try to get across in the letter. She may feel like she's "all that" to have taken a married man or that he left me for her (depending on his side of the story) but the fact of the matter is YES she was just a TOOL and it could have been anyone.

I do question her moral standard because she was not innocent at all in it all. An innocent party would be someone who did not know that they were involved with a married man. This woman went as far as to come to our home one night when she was unaware that my husband had stepped out! When I asked who she was she LIED (demonstrating that she knew she was in the wrong) and said that her brother had asked her to pick up something from my husband! I didn't know it was the same person until I saw the messages which exposed the affair to me (Facebook).

I definitely do agree that I married the wrong man. I hold him responsible for the heartache and everything else but I also accept responsibility for having married the wrong person and for being blind to his infidelity for as long as I was. I have gotten a divorce and will ensure that my son and I get the happiness we deserve.

Thanks for the well wishes :)

J


MsDora profile image

MsDora 17 months ago from The Caribbean

Well, you surely told her, and I bet the unloading felt good! So sorry about that unfortunate situation; hope you seek help for recovery and restoration. Eventually, you'll forgive her, your husband and yourself and move forward toward the woman you were destined to be. Best to you going forward!


Lady Summerset profile image

Lady Summerset 17 months ago from Willingboro, New Jersey

Dear Jade, My heart goes out to you. No matter how often I hear stories like yours, the hurt is always evident. Been through that over 35 years ago and the journey through it is never easy but one that you will survive. Whether in the Church or on the job it seems that there will be no major end to respecting the boundaries of marriage. After all, it is the spouse that makes it possible for the intrusion. Keep moving forward with grace!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 17 months ago

First of all I'm sorry to hear how things turned out for you.

You made some interesting statements.

", I would never give you all the credit because I know that my husband had his fair share in the deal." (Yes he is the one who exchanged vows)

"While he was sleeping with you he was messaging other people trying to hook up with them and get them to do what you were doing for him already. (This implies if he hadn't been with her he was going to be with another woman).

"Don't you see that you're just another side to him? While you're raving about being in a relationship with him he's texting me, begging me to take him back...etc" (This sounds he is the real "player' in this game."

There is no telling what he told her as (his side of the story). This woman may have been at blame for 10% of this but clearly your husband had no plans of being monogamous ever after.

Any man who has a wife and a mistress while still trying to hookup with other women is an "Incessant Cheater". This is someone who easily gets bored in relationships and always has a need to be with someone "new". Their motto is: "Variety is the spice of life!"

I've known guys like this who actually thought they could play around on a woman all the way up until the night before their wedding and then plan to suddenly "retire" or "cash in their player card".

Once the marriage settles in or a baby comes along they start to get that "itch" for something "new and exciting". This is especially true of guys in their 20s and early 30s. Oftentimes they don't know themselves well enough to admit they should not promise monogamy to any woman!

He made up his mind to cheat. This other woman just a "tool" for him.

There are three basic reasons why people don't cheat.

1. They are "in love".

2. They don't want to risk loosing their mate.

3. They know how hurt they'd be if their mate cheated on them.

The goal of a cheater is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side whatever they may be. Most cheaters aren't looking to replace one relationship with another. If your husband hadn't cheated with this woman it would have been another woman. It sounds like you married the wrong man.

Nevertheless things will get better with time. Best wishes!

•Is there a difference between someone having cheated and having an affair? Yes! A person who has one night stands or even sees prostitutes for sex is different from someone seeking to maintain an ongoing relationship of some kind. An affair usually involves dating and making promises. Serial cheaters don't want any strings attached.

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