A Breakup Method

“Parting is such sweet sorrow” – William Shakespeare

There are numerous magazine articles and books written on the topic of getting over breakups and heartaches. There are just as many resources containing information suggesting when a person should seriously consider ending a relationship. However there are very few instances where one is given advice on: How to breakup.

It is presumed that being dumped is hard and dumping someone is easy. Anyone who has ever initiated a breakup, divorce, or fired someone is keenly aware of the stress that builds up days and nights before an announcement is made. Countless times one goes over the various possible scenarios in their mind in an attempt to be prepared for whatever reaction their soon to be ex will display. The following is a simple strategy for parting ways.

Think

The first thing you need to do is some serious introspective thinking as well as reflecting on the relationship in order to determine if you genuinely are ready to call it quits for good. Breaking up should be thought of as being just as serious as taking wedding vows. You don’t want to create a yo-yo relationship where you breakup one day and call to makeup the next day. One of the best methods for making a tough decision was originated by Ben Franklin.

Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. On the right side of the paper use the heading (pros) and on the left side of the paper use the heading (cons). Begin to list the pros and cons for staying in the relationship. On another sheet of paper you might do the same thing for traits you desire in a mate versus traits your significant other possesses. The goal is to get everything in black and white. This will also help determine the reasons why you want to end the relationship. Be honest with yourself.

Plan

After you have thought things through and have decided that it would be best for you to breakup the next step is to plan your exit. Once again there are countless opinions about what is the right or wrong method to use. However there are two things you should keep in mind. Breakups are done at the comfort level of the person ending the relationship. You must also take into account the individual’s temperament and the type of relationship you have had as well as it's length. If you have personally witnessed this person put their fist through a wall, throw furniture, or yell like a maniac when things did not go their way; it’s probably not a good idea to breakup in person. Do not worry about your ex branding you as a coward. Your safety comes first and what your (ex) thinks of you should not concern you! You don’t want to end up a like Travis Anderson stabbed 27 times and shot in the head while taking a shower.

Under ordinary circumstances you want to breakup in person if possible. If you live apart gradually remove any items you have at their place prior to the day you have “the talk”. On the actual day you plan to breakup with them make sure you have brought everything of theirs with you. Ideally you want to breakup at their place. This allows you to exit after you have said what needs to be said as oppose to trying to find a way to get them to leave your place. It is also safer for them to not have to drive right after you deliver news that is likely to upset them.

If you live together find you another place of your own or make arrangements in advance to have a place to go to after the conversation. Having to remain under the same roof after a breakup is living life on a high tension wire without a net. If your name is on a lease you might schedule the breakup prior to the deadline for renewing a new lease. Should you feel uncertain about your ability to quietly stay in the relationship until the lease expires before breaking up review the consequences for breaking the lease. The cost of freedom is never too high. In the event you are married it is advisable to meet with a divorce attorney or paralegal to get guidance. Since you are the one ending the relationship there should be no reason why you aren’t prepared. Anticipate how your future ex will respond to the news and be ready.

Execute

Keep the conversation short and to the point. “I’ve given this a lot of thought and I have reached the conclusion that I need to end our relationship.” Expect to be asked (Why?) however keep in mind there is no answer you can give that will put a smile on their face or cause them to feel you are making the “right” decision. The only answer to the (why) question is, “I’m not happy being in this relationship and I understand you are not responsible for my happiness. That is completely up to me.”

Don’t get sucked into a “blame game” or heated argument. The goal of your soon to be ex is to get you to list “reasons” which they'll try to convince you they can change or address. If you have sincerely made up your mind the relationship is over then it’s cruel to allow them to beg, plead, or lose their dignity. Expect to be accused of never caring about them or of cheating. No one wants to believe they were dumped for being themselves. Something underhanded must have taken place in their eyes. Stay calm!

Remember it is not necessary to have a long drama filled nightmare in order to “justify” a breakup. If you are unhappy or just want to date other people that is all the reason you need. If the conversation starts going sideways make your exit while informing them you do not wish to be in contact for a while.

Move On and Allow Them to Get Over You

Do not offer “instant friendship” as a consolation prize! Too often people offer friendship in an attempt to avoid being looked at as “the bad guy”. However this tactic simply raises false hope for your ex that if they remain in your life there is a “chance” they can win you back overtime. You are the last person who can help someone get over you! Remove yourself from their world as much as possible. Unfriend them on your Facebook account, avoid places you know they frequent, refuse to respond to emails, texts, or calls. If you are sent gifts or cards don’t acknowledge them. The purpose of sending you things is to get you to initiate contact or pull you back in. It is best to go “cold turkey” for six months to a year. The best friendships between exes usually occur when there has been a major gap in time and both people have become involved with others. In the meantime turn the page and spend time with friends and family.

Being with no one is better than being with the wrong one.” - Anonymous

Giving up doesn’t mean you are weak! It only means that, you are strong enough to let go.” – Unknown

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Comments 16 comments

wonderful1 profile image

wonderful1 3 years ago from Southern California

Great advice, Kevin-- I never realized it was such a dilemma. Maybe because I got dumped, and wasn't the "dumpee" in my last relationships. Do some people really accuse the other of cheating when things end? That sounds so juvenile. Well, reading this is a chilling reminder of "know who you're getting into a relationship with" because the negative consequences of ignoring poor coping skills sure can backfire.

Thanks for those words of wisdom. Life just got sweeter as a single lady-- footloose and fancy-free!


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

This is an excellent hub. I like your tips and suggestions. I voted this up and useful.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

Shelia, I appreciate you stopping buy and posting your comment. Yes, breaking up with someone you have had a "serious relationship" with is never something someone looks forward to doing. You'd be surprise at the various reactions and accusations your "soon to be ex" will hurl your way! Accusing you of cheating is very common. In their mind it is the one perfect explanation for why you are (really) leaving them. :-)


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

lovedoctor926, Thanks so much for your vote up and the useful! :-)


DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Breaking up is never easy and feeling can be most awful, you have mentioned such valuable methods and a useful hub too.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

DDE, Thanks for stopping by. Your comment is much appreciated.


deepikamehra2012 profile image

deepikamehra2012 3 years ago from New Delhi

Well, i like last quote of "Anonymous".. thanks for such a nice content....keep writing


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

deepikamehra2012 , Thanks for your comment. I'm glad you enjoyed this hub. :-)


livelifeworryfree profile image

livelifeworryfree 3 years ago from The DMV

Vote up! Excellent tips for breaking up. I love how you left the door open for friendship. Friendship is possible after a break up especially when time has passed. Great hub!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

livelifeworryfree , Thanks for stopping by and posting a comment along with the vote up. :-) Breaking up is pretty tough on everyone involved if there was ever any emotional depth between the two people.


Ladybuled 3 years ago

Awesome hub! I think honesty is the real deal of a break up. It hurts, I know. But its even meaner when we have to lie and make excuses up just to let them go. I dumped like 22 men and got dumped once. None of them were pleasing at all! Once I dumped a guy 3 months after he told my Dad he wanted to marry me. We talked nicely, but then he went mental then cried in front of my friends, followed me everywhere I gone to for the next 4 weeks. He scared the hell out of me that I had to stay at my best friend's house. My ex camped across the house and finally gone when my best friend's Dad called the police and had him "removed". - Ugly truth hurts. But we all have to learn and deal with it.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 3 years ago Author

Ladybuled, Thanks for your comment. I'm glad things with your breakup did not escalate into an assault or anything along those lines. As I noted the vast majority of articles, blogs, and hubs are written to help me people "get over" being dumped. It's as if people believe it's "easy" to break bad news to someone. I've seen my share of crying, yelling, and accusations.

No matter what you tell a person you are dumping they are going to see it as an "excuse". I've never had anyone say, "You're right. I appreciate the time you spent with me and I wish you the best." LOL!

More often than not when someone keeps drilling you for explanations they're really looking for ways to debate and argue in hopes of (changing your mind). This is why I recommend keep the discussion brief and to the point and then exit. Thanks again for leaving your comment. :-)


spock28 2 years ago

hi! thanks for the link to your hub, very practical and sound advise. That's exactly what my ex did, Believe it or not! i hated then, but on hindsight it was the right way to do to go about.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 2 years ago Author

spock28 , Thanks for stopping by to read my hub and post your comment. I often remind people that in order for him or her to be "the one" they have see you as being "the one".

It's unhealthy to want to be with someone who does not want to be with you. No good can come of that. Best of luck!


StreetShepherd profile image

StreetShepherd 16 months ago from Everywhere you are

Thanks for your comment and insight for me, as I am new here at the Hub and grateful you took time to give me some guidance. Human suffering of any kind is often void of the obvious.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 16 months ago Author

StreetShepherd, Thanks for stopping by and posting a comment.

I agree human suffering is a void but nonetheless it is unavoidable. None of us gets to experience life without heartaches and disappointments.

Every ending is a new beginning!

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