There is a Right Way And a Wrong Way To Approach a Woman

This hub begins with true tales, of not enlightening encounters, but encounters of insults, harassments, and straight up assaults, stemming from men's misaligned approaches at attempting to meet women. Guys, if you ever wonder why some women shoot down hesitant, slow starting, run of the mill approaches, could be they at their wit's end from having endured similar attitudes and / or treatment akin to what I'm about to share.

Let's start with the very short story of Joy and end with some extreme but true examples.

So Joy had to really sit down and think about why the guy yelling out the backseat of someone’s truck about her earrings pissed her off so bad. It wasn’t lewd. He wasn’t threatening. She just didn’t feel like being bothered and he bothered her, but that’s not the end of the world. He did holler out of the truck at her like she was a streetwalker. That’s fair reason to be pissed. But more than anything, it’s because she felt used. She may as well have been the freshly bootlegged Beyonce CD. She was a random object upon which he can showcase his bravado for his boys and picked solely because she was a female within earshot.

She was upset because hollering really is harassment. There’s little that most women can do about it and there’s an underlying threat of violence to it. The latter is the bigger issue. But there is a lot men can do about it. They can start by stop doing it. They can start by approaching women like they would want their mother's and sister's approached.


Consider the 16 year old that was at a friend’s birthday party, a guy hollered, asking her to dance from across the room. She turned him down nicely with a smile, and a polite no, thanks. He comes across the room and spit on her.

Or take the lady that was walking down the street in Mid Town Manhattan toward three guys taking up the whole sidewalk. They passed and one of them grabbed her butt hard and squeezed it. She proceeded to cuss them out. They returned the dialogue with some of their own degrading versions.

Then there was the lady walking down South Street in Philly that encountered a group of guys crossing toward her as she was crossing the street. One of them yelled something at her. She gave him the obligatory clothed mouth smile so he would shut up. When they crossed paths in the middle of the street, they surrounded her and felt her up—butt, breasts, face, crotch—the whole nine. True story people, I don't have to make this stuff up, ask some of the women in the chat room.

These stories are unique in specifics but the types are too familiar to too many women. I’m sure the ladies listening could offer up three or more grossly disturbing incidents of their own. It’s just a fact that women’s lives are filled with violence, or at least the unspoken threat of violence. It’s the reason they don’t walk through a park at night or take the subway home after a certain hour, or take the long way to our destination instead of the straight line because they don’t want to walk down the dimly lit street or through a path that includes a group of men. It’s the reason they ―hold it‖ in certain malls, because the public bathroom is too far off the beaten path and they don’t want to be too far away from the masses in case they need someone to hear them scream. On the rare late-night train ride home, it’s the reason they scan the cars to make sure they’re not the only woman in one. It’s the reason they might give up a fake smile or a polite no when a stranger tries to get at them. Maybe if they just say hi, he’ll go on his merry way, they hope. There’s nothing offensive about ―hello‖ or ―how are you?‖ or striking up a polite conversation. There is nothing wrong with a genuine compliment said in a polite—not leering, sexually suggestive --way. Women who hate the holler are not saying ―don’t ever speak to me.‖ (Although, if you do approach a woman politely and she rudely shuts you down, can you really be mad? You just interrupted the woman’s personal space when she wasn’t asking to be bothered.) There is a right way and a wrong way to approach anyone, especially a woman that you’re interested in. 

Don't Holla At Her ....Just Talk To Her When guys want to approach women, they don’t need to step up their game, the game needs to already be together. Game doesn’t mean you have to boast about your salary, or what you're driving, or take on the aura of a macking pimp. It actually entails walking up to a woman and humbling yourself. Yes, I said humble. Underneath all that artifice of superficial tough exterior and jacked up testrone, you’re just a guy who sees a woman whom you find attractive and you would like to get to know her. What in your right mind makes you think that yelling ―Hey baby laced with comments about her build, from across the street will make a woman interested in you? Whatever happened to saying "Excuse me miss" and introducing yourself ever so politely before asking the young lady’s name? And then telling her yours and tastefully complimenting her on what it was that attracted you to her. Whatever you do, stay away from those age old silly scripted pick up lines. And if she indicates she has the time, strike up a conversation with her, a conversation of substance.

Most women really don't mind talking and listening to you I've found, if you're talking about something and not googling them like they're on a lunch menu someplace. And if she doesn’t want to be bothered, don't take it personal, everybody's not your girl, and every day is not your day. If every pass was caught for a touchdown in football how fun would that be? They say women like a challenge, well guys to do to, and one thing that births challenge is the fact nothing is a given and nobody wins them all.

Now what women have said to me is, Don't holla, walk up to them like they’re human beings, and talk to them.

In reality, there is nothing likable about a man hollering out a window or down the block, as if he's calling a wayward dog, no matter what he says or how fine he is.

There is nothing likable about some man yelling ―sex laced obscenities‖ when a woman is walking down the street, alerting everyone in ear shot know he wants to sleep with her. Nope, not at all.

There is nothing likeable about a man making kissing noises and that gotdamned psst psst sound. (Those are the sounds you make to get an animal’s attention. Not a woman’s.) There is nothing likable about a STRANGER demanding a woman to smile or do anything else solely for his amusement.

There is nothing likeable about strangers pulling up to women in their cars as they wait at the bus stop and offering them a ride. If they wanted a ride, they'd have called a cab, or flagged you down..

So there really isn't a complicated set of rules of engagement here. By all pretenses and appearances she can see you're a man, you don't have to force that fact on her. I think what you do have to impress upon her is that you see, accept, and respect the fact that she is a human being and not an inanimate object. I know we as men have to offer more than her body as a source of interest from the initial encounter. And I know for sure Hollering at her will more than likely turn her off and away.


Here comes the big question, how do you approach a woman online? You should know that since you are online and not in the real world, there is only one way to do this which is via email. What you are looking to learn here is how do you write and make contact with that lady so that her interest in you is aroused and she sends you a favorable response.

I forgot to say this but before you even decide to make contact with a woman, you need to look at your own self. You both are probably on a dating or social site where each individual has his/her own profile page. Now some of you all have some jacked up pages. No shirts displaying bigger breasts than most women have, some of you displaying body parts, and then there’s these profile pictures of objects and animals and avatars. You’re sending a clear message there something you are trying to divert attention away from with these tactics. Since it’s online, you can be sure that the first place the lady you're trying to approach is going to go is your profile page.

Make your profile looks respectable, if need be get a good photo an upload it on your page. Do not be deceived by what people say of women not being attracted to looks. This is the internet and since the woman has no other way of accessing your inner qualities at first glance, your photo becomes the only available means she has to gauge what you look like.. Make sure you look presentable and current in your photo. And have a short bio about yourself posted. No you don't want to post private info, but think in terms of what you would share with someone on a fist time encounter

A second important thing before approaching a woman online is to ask yourself what your plans for this particular woman are. Are you looking to someday meet her in person? Are you looking forward to getting married to her? These questions seems far-fetched but you can be sure that a woman you engage online out of more than just a passing hello is wondering just what your intentions are. Remember, she can't gauge body language, for the most part she can't see you (webcams aside).

So if there are ensuing conversations past the initial encounter, talk about yourself, your visions and goals and direction in life. Don’t mislead her or allow her to misinterpret your intentions.

The Third and most important rule to approaching a woman comes down to your etiquette. If you are sending a first message to her, you should be straight up and respectable. Compliment her on something you like about her. Be it the way she smile in her pictures or her inner characters listed on her profile. It may even be her hobbies. If the both of your happen to love playing spades say so. Also know that your English here matters. Make sure to read and re-read what you’ve typed over again. Your typed message is your first representative she is going to see. If that representative can't spell, or deliver a grammatically correct message, most women are going to probably not be too enthused.

Approaching a woman, may not be the hardest thing to do in this world especially when it’s online. Online shyness is a thing almost unheard of, so if you have any woman you want to approach why not heed this advice, and most importantly, come correct.

Meet A Woman Make A Friend

I'd like to leave you with an undisputable piece of wisdom. When engaging a woman for the first time sex need not be driving the agenda. Yes it’s natural to be attracted to a woman that you find attractive, but it need not be the start and end all. It’s not most men's quest to sleep with every woman they meet, but then there are some you gotta wonder about.

But be mindful that most successful relationships start with mutual friendship and develop out of mutual attraction for one another. They sure don't develop out of bum rushing, and bogarding women into positions they're uncomfortable with or offended by.

So engage women for whom and what they are and do it respectfully. Odds are you will emerge with a wonderful friend if nothing else. Women make great friends. They look nice, smell nice, they're funny, and they are smart as hell. A woman friend can help you tighten up your game if she sees you're not some misguided sexual chauvinist up to no good. And keep in mind women have women friends. Now she may not be looking to go to level 10 with you but if you've encountered her and impressed her she won’t have any qualms about referring you to someone she thinks may like you on that level.

Think about it. Makes sense doesn't it.

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Comments 2 comments

Musa Tsabedze 4 years ago

It's factual & perfect

Isah musa 4 years ago

It's so nice

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