Abandonment issues - Causes and how to get over them

You Are Worthy of Love

Wow, such a loaded topic...yet I can speak from experience regarding the issue of abandonment.

The first incident occurred was when I was six years old and my mom left my dad. I was heartbroken as was he. My life turned upside down and I suffered subtley for many years to follow. My mom never stopped being a part of my life and I know her making the choice to leave was not an easy one. I could always share my heart and speak my mind with my mom...perhaps since I didn't live with her, it was easier to do. I think she treasured knowing I could do so with her only and not my dad and step mom. She became like a best friend while I grew up and whenever we spent time together, it was always fun. I lived with her for a couple years in my mid to late teens but soon found myself out on my own. I remember around the age of nineteen or twenty, after too much to drink one night, I called her up and asked her how she could have left my sister and I. It probably wasn't the first time she told me her answer but it was the first time it sunk in....she loved my dad but more like a friend. In a nutshell, having a spouse as ones best friend is indeed how it should be...yet when intimacy is affected and little or no physical desire for your partner exists, it often becomes a deal breaker. Divorce always affects more than the two people dissolving their marriage however.

I have a friend (I'll refer to as Brenda) who has been through an abandonment issue of another kind.....I'm not sure what the story is in regards to Brenda's biological father, yet I know her mom remarried at some point. From the age of eight to eighteen, Brenda's stepfather sexually molested her. She did not reveal this to anyone until she became an adult and was out on her own. The person Brenda first shared this with is her best friend who responded by encouraging Brenda to notify the authorities. In doing so and having gone through court proceedings etc., others have come forward, also molested by Brenda's stepfather. Brenda's mother to this day however, is unaccepting of the facts and has tried to get Brenda to rescind the charges, placing all blame on Brenda. Brenda's siblings now see her as a home wrecker and none of her family really has anything to do with her.

Women in particular, really struggle to overcome abandonment issues, particularly when a man a woman has strong feelings for and becomes acquainted with in a sexually intimate way, calls it quits. A couple ladies I'm acquainted with still need healing after the passing of several years since their man first left. I think the reason it may be more difficult for them involves the years invested with this person, the life they began together, including the rearing of several children. Some women perhaps, never receive any indication anything is amiss. Should I go into a spiel about mid life crisis? No, I won't since I'm betting most are familiar with the concept. Some ladies choose to never (or take forever) to accept and move on however, which saddens me. Not having experienced this personally, thinking a woman at some point and time should just "move on" and view the situation as "his loss," may be a bit shallow on my part. I understand a grieving process is necessary, which nobody can place a time limit on.

Life is short though and lets face it, there is little we are in control of. Not that I haven't visited the P.I.T myself (Person In Training).... being stuck there is not much fun. Is it Donna Summer who sings that song, "I Will Survive?" It's going through my head as I write (even though I don't know it by heart).

Whether it's a child or an adult, people may never understand why someone would leave. An abandoned or rejected person should not blame themselves. Sure, nobody is perfect and if someone is unhappy in a covenant relationship, those who are left and feeling discarded, perhaps worthless, do play a role in it; yet this doesn't mean they are the problem. When people choose to abandon another for no good reason, I believe it is out of selfishness and or cowardice. I hope others will not choose to live in F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real). God does not give a spirit of fear, rather one of Love, Power and a Sound Mind. Thoughts racing through a persons brain, suggesting oneself is to blame and denigrating self worth, are likely not solely ones own....more than likely, these thoughts originate from one who is definitely not a friend.

Understand beloved there is a real enemy whose mission is to steal, kill and destroy everyone God loves, including those dealing with abandonment. I understand if one doesn't know the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob - this may not be received well or difficult to comprehend - be assured however, He Knows and Loves YOU and seesYOU as worthy of His devotion (and desires others to feel the same about Him). We are now visiting the topic of spiritual warfare.

There are those who are totally innocent, yet still victimized. One may discover spiritual warfare is worth looking into since so often when wicked or dysfunctional behaviors exists in people, it could be the result of sin from previous generations, otherwise known as a "generational curse." Deuteronomy 20:4 - 6 says; "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on earth below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."

So what in our society today are common forms of idolatry? Money, sex, pornography, drugs, alcohol, TV, work, computers......hmmm could be just about anything. My point however in regards to a generational curse is to examine family history and see if someone had a problem with commitment, infidelity, divorce, pedophilia, fearful submissiveness....whatever. For me, in hindsight, prior to getting to know Jesus personally, it was men (and thinking I needed to be the life of the party). I figured if I could find a man who would truly love me, the void in my life would be filled. It took 31 years before I discovered the man (who is also divine) I needed to put first in my life - Jesus. I now have the Source of power living in me, which can break any curse. It's available to anyone, no matter what one has done since God does grant mercy abundantly.

Isaiah 61 is titled, "The Year of the Lords FAVOR." Jesus, while reading in the synagogue from this book, stopped in the middle of verse 2 and said (ref: Luke 4:21) "Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."

1 "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. (including poor in spirit, emphasis mine).

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives (freedom from lies, abuse, those with unhealthy addictions, etc., emph. mine) and release from darkness for the prisoner, (what type of prison - not necessarily physical - are people in? emph. mine)

2 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow upon them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

4They will rebuild the ancient ruins (what ruins in ones life, need to be rebuilt? emph mine) and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."

May I encourage and suggest consulting with Jehovah Rapha (God as Healer); Victory is possible through Jesus; He can and will help anyone overcome their battles and struggles when He is sought out. All things are possible with Christ who strengthens.... (Philip 4:13).

One last Acronym to ponder - F.A.I.T.H. (Full Assurance of the Heart).

With agape....christine

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Comments 31 comments

christinekv profile image

christinekv 5 years ago from Washington Author

Hi Amber,

Sorry I lost you....if one is not open to God and spiritual relevance or significance, of course it's hard to appreciate this hub.

All the best,

Christine


amber 5 years ago

you lost me as soon as you started in on god this and god that


christinekv profile image

christinekv 5 years ago from Washington Author

Hi Nathan,

Sorry for taking so long to reply... you really have been through an ordeal and I'm so sorry! It's sad not only what happened to you but the fact that each day you re-live it to some degree! It seems many people who are victims should be receiving support from family and friends and like my friend "Brenda" it seems you too have been let down. I think all victims need to know their wasn't anything wrong with them which caused what has happened to happen. There is evil in this world and God gave people free will....each choice we as individuals make (whether to take some form of action or not, ranging from simple to more drastic) has a ripple effect on multitudes.

I'm not sure if you are in a place to receive what I'm going to suggest next since you really only make references to that which is physical and no mention of that which is supernatural. May I encourage you to forgive everyone who has wronged you since when we harbor un-forgiveness, it only causes us to become bitter. I know it's not easy and it would be a process. You have survived, although scars exist which are not only physical. What needs to happen now is a deep inner healing - in the recesses of your heart. Believe me when I say it starts w/ Jesus. I realize you may be asking why God allowed such a thing...it goes back to what I said about giving us free will and the ramifications from choices people make. Please don't blame God. (Not to say there aren't those in the church who shouldn't bear the responsibility for evil progressing in our world. We don't pray enough, we don't love our neighbor as much as ourselves, we don't give as much as we ought to).

I will stop now since this may be starting to take a different direction. I do wish you love, freedom, healing and that you will live a life of glorious purpose which you may have yet to discover. Really KNOW Him and you will also find Joy and Peace.

In Christs love,

Christine


Nathan 5 years ago

I hope when you wrote "F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real." that you were refering to the lies and deceptions of sexual abusers.

I am a male survivor of sexual abuse in my childhood

and found the definition very triggering,

Survivors face huge discreditation and any suggestion that out recollections are a fabrication is a massive set back. I'm fortunate to have a surgeons report where she observed the 3cm scar in my rear passage proving that anal penetration took place , verifying the pain I endured as I relived being raped every time I passed a no 2. Sorry to be so explicit but I need to support other survivors here to focus on the fact that many of us have forensic evidence.

I felt abandonment by my parents

abondoned by the authorities who cover up sexual abuse crimes or lack the resolve to investigate or prosecute.

You didn't mention the abandonment of not being offered comfort after making a disclosure.

it's a good start

but needs more on how to work through abandonment

and how to cope with the injustice which often accomplies it


christinekv profile image

christinekv 6 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks for the visit Firebird and Stephanie. Glad you can appreciate the piece. Stephanie, I'm sorry you've been going through a tough time... I was too for a few months, up until a few weeks ago. Even though I'm married, I was feeling really alone in that relationship and very frustrated with God. Sometimes we know what we ought to do (in my case, run to HIM!) and then don't do it....we wallow in the pit. Be encouraged and I do hope you will press in to Jesus. I'm not sure what your loneliness is about yet I'm glad to see you will be looking to Him. I hope too that others come alongside you, shining Jesus'love. I will include you in my prayers and know I'm really blessed by your comments.


Stephanie 6 years ago

Jehovah rapha...

Thanks for this uplifting article. It was the first link I've clicked on regarding feelings of abandonment. I've been going through a real tough time and I'm choked on the idea that life can be really lonely when there's no one to turn to, who can understand, who I can fully rely on...

...but you remind us that there is only One, and that is Jesus. I definitely need His loving touch right now. Thanks for helping to light the way. Keep your light burning bright.

God bless.


FireBird 6 years ago

Hi Christine, thank you for reminding me about my jehovah rapha. We all need him...


christinekv profile image

christinekv 6 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks Jasman - Glad you appreciated the analysis! Thanks too for the visit and the compliments...you too have been wonderfully designed!

Christine


Jasman 6 years ago

Absolutely love your optimism and great analysis of abandonment issues. You are wonderful, thank you!


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Wow Matt. Sorry you found yourself feeling so frustrated after reading my post. Thankfully others who have commented don't seem to feel the same although I'm grieved you feel the way you do but my ego is not taking this personally.

You have a problem with the pages subtitle? Don't you see yourself as worthy of love?

You say you get it that I praise God and add, "we all do." I'm glad to hear you do yet without knowing you and specifics regarding the issues with which you are struggling, it's hard to determine how to respond to that since I truly believe He is the Source of all healing. It causes me to question whether or not you truly experience a relationship with Him as your Father. There is a huge difference between having an upbringing in a church or a knowledge OF God in contrast to really experiencing Him in your life; this requires openness and vulnerability. He is a gentleman and will not force himself upon a person.

I don't know what kind of advise you would have found more valuable. Take frustrations out on a punching bag??? Ask a doctor for some anti depressant meds? The meds will only mask the pain and the physical activity will be beneficial in blowing off some steam and w/ consistency over time it can improve a persons physique (and help with stress levels) but it's not going to do anything for the recesses of the heart.

Praying for your peace.

christine


Matt Regent 7 years ago

This didn't help at all. try putting actual advice on getting through these issues... not just preaching and babbling on meaninglessly. We get it- you praise the Lord. We all do. Why don't you throw some decent advice on the site that will ACTUALLY support people through their problems. Please take the subtitle to this article OFF the page.. as this hubpage did not give valid advice to get through abandonment AT ALL. Thanks for wasting my time.


restoremyheart profile image

restoremyheart 7 years ago

I did enjoy this hubpage:) Helpful, and truthful:) Haven't heard of that web site equallyyoked, I might check on it:)


Debbie 7 years ago

Hello Christinekv, I have heard the F.E.A.R false evidence appearing real a few years ago myself! I am glad to see it made it to Hawaii, and Washington also. the F.A.I.T.H one is new to me, Thank you! kind of put things into perspective doesn't it? Debbie


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Hi Ty! Good to see you back...thanks for visiting and commenting! I know what you mean about our family, and every circumstance is unique I know, but we just have to love them where they are at, be respectful and agree to disagree. As I type this, I think I have something I need to pull out of my eye (lol!). No seriously, not sure if you recall but I've shared here through hubpages similar feelings and frustrations since my relationship with my sisters and my step mom has had it's ups and downs. My step mom was here a few days before Christmas, and we had it out. I think she better understands my perspectives in terms of past incidents and my feeling hurt and unimportant to her/them. After sharing, I felt a huge burden lift. Of my three sisters, I feel with two of them, our relationships are in a good place. My other sister, reaching out and trying to improve our relationship and grow closer is a challenge.....I think she has a lot of issues to overcome in order to be healthy in all aspects (physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally and of course spirtually - they are all connected after all). I'm going to make an effort though, and it will be me taking baby steps.

Ty you do sound lonely.....so of all your friends and Christian family, are you the only one who is single? Do you want to be/do you feel called to remain single? Have you heard of a site for Christian singles called, equallyyoked.com? (It may only have one y...not sure).

I pray you will soon be overflowing with joy. Don't let the enemy steal it....rebuke any spirits of depression or discouragement. You are a son of God Almighty, an heir to the kingdom so may I encourage you to start proclaiming who you are and God's promises for your life! He knows the plans He has for you, not for harm but to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future.

Much love,

christine


Tyhill27 profile image

Tyhill27 7 years ago from Red Deer, Alberta

Hi Christine, It's been awhile since I have visited hub pages but I am surprised to see that my score is till above 80. I'm sure many people can relate to abandonment in some way or another. Sometimes I feel abandoned and very much alone. The fact that my family is not Christian makes it heard to be close to them. The church is there but they too have families of there own. Do you know what I mean? Anyhow, I too liked your abbreviation for fear and faith!


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks Rgraf!  Glad you appreciated it and sounds like the F.E.A.R thing is something you'll remember and be sharing.  I first heard it in Hawaii when I was back visiting in Feb 2007 and the wife of a prison chaplain from New York (who were playing tourist but I met them at an evening service in Kona)shared some acronyms with profound explanations .....that one was new. 

Blessings!


RGraf profile image

RGraf 7 years ago from Wisconsin

Great piece and I applaud you for tackeling Spiritual Warfare. For some that can be a tough subject (if they even believe in it).

I had never seen F.E.A.R. defined the way you did. I really liked that.

As I said, great piece!!!!


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Wow Debbie, thanks for sharing further and glad to learn more about you. I don't know what to say regarding the compliments aside from thank you. I'm glad you appreciate my heart and I believe yours is beautiful as well! God Bless YOU (which I know includes others being blessed through you as well!) :)


Debbie again 7 years ago

Dear Christinekv, Thank you for your caring and understanding and the birthday wishes, Tears filled my eyes when I read your response back. I made the high honor role in school and attended college, I studied voice and became a vocalist. Everyone says I have an awesome voice and a wide rage in which I am grateful to God..My brother was a race car driver and #1 in the north east region (America) and retired from that he now is in broadcasting and also a vocalist, So it is not impossible to move forward when your self esteem has been stepped on so much. I did have 1 marriage that didn't work out and now this second one is on the rocks due to his insecurities. I don't want to sabotage any relationships so I worked on myself because the core of character matters to me so much. I want to be the most loving person I can be to children people and animals, not to do this to anyone else. I do also help the organizations save stray cats but with the economy it is getting tougher. I do find it hard to trust people toward me but I still give to them from my heart because GOD said so. One last thing and very important: I do appreciate you helping people with this hurtful issue and what a relief to actually talk to someone in the middle of the night, in the dark, get it out and get a response on the internet. I don't want to wake anyone with my issues as they have their lives and their own issues. God Bless you for what you do and you know GOD, you will be Blessed tenfolds! May God give you the desires of your heart for having such a beautiful one. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Wow Debbie, you have had a lot of arrows shot at your heart! I am so sorry for all the heart ache you've endured but I'm glad to see you have persevered and triumphed, having such a wise perspective, realizing humans are flawed but God is not.  I hope you have lots of others in your life today who love and appreciate you for who you are. Thanks for visiting and sharing. Happy Birthday and God Bless you!


Debbie 7 years ago

I am beside myself, most of my life has been a very tough road. I had to grow up fast. I attended school, work and took care of the home at a very young age some by choice. I just turned 51 New Years Day. My mother was an alcoholic, I don't blame her but the disease that caused my abandonment issues. My brother was 5, I was 2 and I still remember being left alone at night in the dark in the crib. We were thrown from home to home and my fear compelled my father to bring us to his family. They gave me everything, but my abandonment issues were never addressed because of the time it happened. They didn't know back then that pschological help was necessary. At the age of 26 my dad committed suicide. This really tore the heart right out of my body. He was my only stability at the time. I was so grateful for this family and returned the favor as I grew. I was extremely close with them but they all died off early because my parents had us late. My mother was 34 when she had me, and my father was 40, My mother abandoned us in 1960 or was it the courts that decided, I really don't know but what a scar it left on me. This was unheard of back then. I did seek help though out the years and found that it wasn't me but my circumstances that left the scar in my heart. I know the heartbreak of abandonment and it still happens but I am wise to the fact that other people have problems too. I guess this is something we need to learn to come to terms with. Mankins has faults and some will never understand you. For all of you I pray that you may find peace happiness and joy in your hearts. Learn to love yourself, and know that God will never abandon you. To all abandoned hearts we have each other!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 7 years ago from Neverland

Thank you:0)

I am as close to my stepdad as anyone can be to him. Hes from the generation where men do not show emotion at all, but it works well for him.

It sounds like your Mom sure is wrestling some real guilt. Hopefully she wont be too hard on herself. All people make mistakes, even though they vary in nature. Lord knows I've made mine... Im glad you still feel close to your Mom, Im sure that helps her a lot.


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Ardie, you are way cute!  I'm so glad everyone now can fully see your sweet, radiant face! 

I'm glad you have a wonderful stepfather in your life who is good to you. I hope you are close. I wonder if a day will come when your biological father will have second thoughts....I'm glad you are ok in regards to it all. 

I've always felt very close to my mom but there are times when human nature wrongly wants to punish others for what we may see as poor choices. One surely can't change the past and we are all guilty of making mistakes and it's not anybody's right here on earth to judge her.  My mom has a very defensive stance on the subject...she got really angry with her sister and brother in law (my step dads sister and her husband) when they were being romantically dopey one night with each other and then asked the question to my mom and step dad, "How did you and Jon meet?" My mom felt very annoyed by the question since she felt they well knew the history and said, "Well, I met your brother, got really hot for him and decided I had to leave my husband and little girls to pursue a relationship with him." That's the gist of it and I'm certain my mom may include some other descriptive, jarring words with attitude.  I know the way she said it has much more shock value and shut conversation down. I know she's said it to others as well when they ask about my sister and I in such a way which includes  having to reveal she wasn't there full time from the time I was 6 - 16 and for my sister, 3 - 18.  So being this is the stance she's taken, I'm not sure she has forgiven herself and I think it has affected my step dad too - he too has had to wrestle with guilt. According to my mom, when my dad passed away, he felt horrible and said it should have been him instead.  Eventually, both sets of my parents were on good terms (it took longer than it should have because of my mom) and my dad liked my step dad early on.   


Ardie profile image

Ardie 7 years ago from Neverland

I changed the picture. Im not as cute as you are, but its all me! :D


Ardie profile image

Ardie 7 years ago from Neverland

Hello christinekv,

I ended up with a wonderful stepdad but not until I was 15. He has done more for me that I ever would have expected him to do. I will have to look into the book you mention, I've never heard of it but I love to read and it sounds like it would be well worth my time. I have not thought to reconnect with my Dad. When I was 7 or so my Mom sent him a letter asking that very thing and he expressed that he had absolutely no desire, he had a new family and had moved on. Im ok with it now but I still have slight insecurity that I deal with. All in all, I have forgiven him and hope he has too. Im sure there are untold stories behind the split when I was small.

Im glad to hear you were able to resolve your issues with your Mother. Nobody should have to live with resentment in their heart...it only takes up space that could be filled with love. Hopefully your Mother has learned/will learn to forgive herself fully as well.

As for the picture, thank you so much for your sweet comments! I can surely get my whole face on there, I just cropped it wrong when I first signed up :D I'll work on that tomorrow


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks Judy for the visit and the comment. Yes, Jesus is the one who saves, heals, delivers and restores. When we allow Him to be Lord of our lives we experience powerful transformation which includes forgivenss extended towards others as well as ourselves, and reconciliation in relationships (where it makes sense to reconcile).


Judy Madden, Shiloh Prayer and Fasting Ranch 7 years ago

Jesus as healer is 1st, to fill in that empty gap. But knowing him as savior means that He has a way to save-deliver-and make whole, a way for you to open the door to his mighty love and power through His ministry of deliverance from evil. There is a spirit of hurt that wants to keep you hurt.There is a spirit of unforgiveness that wants to keep you resentful, and full of hatred. When we close these doors, it enables the person to lean on Jesus with the leaning of gtheir entire personality and have real forgiveness peace and reconciliation in their lives.

We at Shiloh Prayer & Fasting Ranch are here to break strongholds in your life. We shae a common bond of deliverance from evil in the name of Jesus, and endeavor to helpl others to be made whole.


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Hi Ardie -

I'm really sorry to hear that about your father. Is there someone else here on earth who has stepped into his shoes (I hope?). You may really enjoy and benefit from the book "Captivating" by Stasi Eldredge. I know through reading that a couple years ago, I realized I had an unhealed wound in regards to my mom leaving.

Have you ever considered trying to find and connect with your dad and present him with any unanswered questions you may have? I know every individual and situation is unique yet I also know there is so much power in forgiveness and often it's not only about us forgiving but giving the person who made the decision which caused so much pain an opportunity to forgive themselves. I believe my mom has had to deal with issues of guilt and the enemy would love to use that against her.

I hope you don't mind my saying this, but would you consider taking another self portrait (or having someone else take a picture?). We can only see half your face and from what I can see, it's sweet and radiant and a I hope we can appreciate it in full! I'm betting you have a smile which can light up a room!

Blessings!

christine


Ardie profile image

Ardie 7 years ago from Neverland

Christinekv, thank you for answering my request. I too deal with abandonment issues because a parent left, my Dad, when I was 2 and I have never seen or heard from him since (Im now 30). Although I do not wish the issue on anyone, its nice to know Im not alone. Thank you for the beautiful verses and your very detailed answer.


christinekv profile image

christinekv 7 years ago from Washington Author

Thanks ForReal511 for stopping by and giving me feedback. I'm so glad you enjoyed this post.

Blessings!


ForReal511 profile image

ForReal511 7 years ago from Fort Lauderdale, FL

thanks for this post! puts things in perspective

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