How To Turn A Man On And Off In Sixty Seconds

 Keisha Mei Ash needed advice on turning on a man
Keisha Mei Ash needed advice on turning on a man
How To Turn On A Man
How To Turn On A Man

Relationships And Men

Do the two words relationships and men conjure up fear in your loins at the mere mention of them? Sick of trying to understand a man?. Are you on the threshold of becoming gay so you don't have to deal with the opposite sex no-more? Recently I received this brief note from my dear friend Keisha Mei Ash which I will share with you.


It reads;

"Dear Blondepoet I desperately need your dating tips on dating a man. I met this lovely Irish guy, by the name of Billboard, what people find funny in that I dunno. Anyway as you know I got booted out the nunnery up the road here, for can't say......sorry had to go scratch my butt..... back again...... but Blondepoet I dunno a thing bout turning on a man, especially one as good looking as Bill. Well everyone else reckons he's pretty ugly but I don't care. I reckon ole Bill wouldn't mind hanging off the arm of such a catch like myself.....OH BLONDEPOET YOU GOT TO HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!. The only thing I know how to turn on is the 'ole bulb in me one man tent in the backyard at me Ma's house. Yours Desperately , Keisha Mei Ash.

Of course I responded quickly to Keisha with a four page letter with my best dating advice for which I am world renowned. It made me think on how many women out there are longing for expert advice on what turns a man on and off.Keisha Mei Ash swore blindly that men were turned on with her hot pink, striped terry toweling sweat suit she wore to church every Saturday til one day one bloke called her a 'Fruit Loop', and all the other blokes choked on their XXXX Tinnies.

From talking to multitudes of single women especially to the other 67 nuns that left the same monastery as Keisha, it seems women are anxious to know what they can do to turn a man on, and what they may be doing to turn him off. Knowing a man's dislikes and likes takes a woman back to basic training classes essential for prepping them up to lure their man . So sit back ladies, grab yourself a nice glass of wine, put your feet up on the poo-fa as you discover the mystery that lays behind a man.

What turns a man on?
What turns a man on?
Understanding men and their love of long hair
Understanding men and their love of long hair
Rose Bush my other friend needs plenty dating tips
Rose Bush my other friend needs plenty dating tips
Lingerie a guaranteed way to turn a man on
Lingerie a guaranteed way to turn a man on

UNDERSTANDING MEN

What Turns A Man On?

  • Long Beautiful Hair - Men are suckers for long hair on a woman, they fantasise about that beautiful long silky hair wrapped around their bod. For the short haired ladies do not despair, just fake it, with all the flood of hair extensions on the market today he will never guess. A word of warning make sure you clip them in real tight, there is nothing worse than a 24 inch strand of extensions falling off your head and into his hands while out on a date.

  • Cleavage - Need I say more. Come on ladies surely you must know if you are showing a bit of your bosoms it is hard for a guy to look much higher than breast level.

  • Sexy Perfume - When dating a man be sure to dab on the best smelling perfume in your bathroom closet. For women who are shortsighted be sure to read the label first. Another good friend of mine Rose Bush is so blind she accidentally wore fly spray on her first date with a guy she met online. Needless to say that was the end of that. A woman who smells good brings out the animal in a man it accelerates his levels of excitement, it is a must for women on my dating advice smorgasbord.

  • Long Legs - Men can't resist the show of a little leg, especially a pair of long legs as they secretly draw a mental line of how far those legs really do go. Some simple advice for a woman with short legs is don the highest heels you can find to add a quick six inches of length to your legs instantly. Please for god's sake keep an eye out for drain ways and boggy patches of mud, it isn't a pretty sight when you end up with one stiletto stuck solid in a stiletto trap and you have to hop along like a one legged grasshopper for the rest of the date.

  • Lingerie - Need I say anymore

  • A Gorgeous Woman - Of course men are well known admirers of beautiful women, I think all women are aware of the fact. I laugh at 'swivel neck men'. You walk on past them in your little leather mini skirt and watch their heads swivel almost robotic in movement. Men must have such elastic muscles in that area of their body that is almost reminds you of that chilling scene in 'The Exorcist' . Do not be deterred ladies, when a man is attracted to you whether you are short, thin, round, freckled, bow legged, he will think you beautiful no matter what you look like.

  • A Confident Woman - Men are attracted to women who are self confident, and carry themselves well. A dating tip here for all the shy ladies, while waiting for your date to arrive down two tall glasses of Bourbon and coke, and if you are painfully shy, god forbid, you better make that Bourbon straight.

  • A Woman's Rear End - Sigh still can't get away from a woman's body parts. There are men who love small, pert little bottoms as well as men who love large wiggly posteriors. A woman's rear end is a big turn on to a man, maybe because it resembles a pair of women's .......yes we are back to them again.

  • A Beautiful Smile - Some more advice on men on the topic of teeth. Remember a little floss never hurt anyone, and if you are a wearer of dentures for heavens sake glue them in before your man arrives. Nothing worse than a pair of dentures sitting on his lap after your extreme coughing attack.

  • Captivating Beautiful Eyes - After dragging his focus off your cleavage a man will be transfixed by beautiful sparkling eyes. Ladies quickly flick to U Tube and get a quick lesson on applying a set of false eyelashes as well as google 'smokey eyes', a look he won't resist.

  • A Woman In The Buff - I left this one til last as I battled with myself whether to add it here. I intend to write a sequel shortly on what turns a man on behind closed doors and I felt this obvious turn on for a man fitted there a whole better. Not only that I didn't want to give Keisha the wrong idea so soon and have her cavorting around 'ole' Bill Boards house ducking the empty cans from neighbors next door.

Men Are Turned On By Beautiful Women
Men Are Turned On By Beautiful Women

What Turns A Man Off?

  • Facial Hair - Rose Bush was quite offended with this one. It meant she needed to go have a shave. Women have a good long hard look at yourself in a mirror with good light. Check for any signs of a goatee beard developing, hair above the lip forming a distinctive moustache, and any other strays around the place. Men want 'a woman to look like a woman', and don't want to feel another moustache upon theirs whilst in the act of kissing. This is....err...extremely gross for a man.

  • Hairy Legs And Big Bushy Armpits - This one is debatable. Some men are known to love the three inch growth in a woman's armpits, especially in France, but for a majority of men this can kill the romance quicker than the speed of light.

  • Bad Body Odour - Forget about what he thinks of your floaty little pink dress that you bought from Hong Kong on Ebay for five dollars 'buy it now' if you smell like a dead fish or something even more gross. Women often complain if a man stinks like old prawns, likewise a man is also turned off by the odour. I sent Kesiha off to the supermarket to buy herself a good deodorant after discovering she never had ever used one, and she wonders why she has never had a man. Eh!!!!

  • Dirty Teeth And Nails - Can you imagine a man's shock when his beautiful date goes to speak, only to see two weeks of McDonald's Big Macs and French Fries wrapped around her teeth?. Nothing turns a man off faster especially when accompanied by the foul aroma of your breath on his ear lobe.

  • Greasy Hair - Greasy smelly hair that hangs in oily strands like greased spaghetti is a no-no. He secretly wonders when was the last time you bathed. Was it when the last solar eclipse appeared in the night sky?. Believe me he won't even want to rub his fingers through it even after ten beers. Dirty hair turns men off. Simple.

  • Eating Like A Bush Pig - He watches you from across the table as you chatter at ten thousand kilometres an hour. He watches a mass of ground down beef and fried beans do a 360 degree turn round your tongue.Crikey!! As a prelude the spuds in your mouth set off like a sprinkler spitting out across the table to the tune of 'I'm A Skatman' as your saliva hits your lips, and splashes the floor. A major turn off ladies.

  • Excessive Loud Chattering And Hyena Nose Snorting Laughter - A woman who never shuts up, while attempting to break the world record of speaking the most words per minute is not amusing to men. Her frenzied chatter drowning everyone out in sight not only turns men off but is as annoying as losing your sunglasses only to find them on your head two hours later. Men that can't get a word in, quickly zone out to whatever you are saying. Not to mention your high pitched laughter that sounds like the pigs that he used to hear on the farm he was raised on, somewhere out West.

  • Passing Wind And Belching - Maybe a year after the honeymoon but not when you are dating a man and trying to impress him. Excuse yourself from the table and quickly face your buttocks out the front door. At the same time mutter " Oh my the garbage truck just went by" with a sweet smile.

  • Too Much Make-Up - Believe it or not men much prefer the natural look except on my friend Keisha, the more makeup the better I say to her. A ring of foundation framing your face, thick powder caked on, dark red lipstick on your teeth, with so much eye makeup it could paint a football field is a turn off for men. Until you get your claws into him keep the make-up simple and natural looking.

  • Smoking In His Face If He Doesn't Smoke - Go light up away from him, before killing the poor guy with your smoke rings drifting across the table. They say nothing is worse than a non smoker kissing a smoker, it is kind of like wrapping your mouth around a tray of butts and licking the ash at the same time.

Copyright © 2012 Deb Murray

Is underarm hair a turn on or turn off to men?
Is underarm hair a turn on or turn off to men?

What Men Think Of Under-Arm Hair

Do you find underarm hair on a woman sexy?

  • Hell no
  • Hell yes
See results without voting

More by this Author


Please Feel Free To Leave A Comment 42 comments

Man from Modesto profile image

Man from Modesto 4 years ago from Kiev, Ukraine (formerly Modesto, California)

Man here. Comments impending...

These are my own personal observations. First, any man or woman who seeks out a spouse (bfs, gfs, and one night stands are a waste of life) should look on the inside, not the out. I love my wife intensely. It is everything about how she just SHINES constantly. First thing in the morning, even with makeup, she is always beautiful to me. When we are 90, this will still be true.

#2: Be clean and have crisp lines. I sat one day on U Penn campus (psych major) attempting to settle for my own mind what really makes some attractive to look at. Fitness is not the answer. The answer, for me, and for most I predict, is this: "clean, crisp lines". This can be achieved with neat hair, a clear complexion, new clothes, well ironed clothing, a sense of fashion... all these can make one's outward self more appealing. However, a lady or man should rely on this only as a not-to-deflect factor. It MUST be who you really are, your HEART, that attracts and wins your spouse.

#3 Pray. No one wants to marry when God has not put it together. This is the most important criteria for choosing a spouse, and the most important criteria for any decision at all.


MP50 4 years ago

Sorry I can't read your Hub.

That beautiful young lady with the Hairy Armpits is to scary LOL.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

Hi there Man From Modesto I totally agree a beautiful face can not hold a strong relationship on its own, very true what's inside really matters.

Haha MP50 you don't find those tufts of black hair appealing? Heck I got to say I don't blame you for running away a thousand miles an hour. She must have a good deodorant I reckon those armpits could get quite sweaty.


logic,commonsense 4 years ago

BP, you are the best! Love your humor and your tips!

You hit the nail on the head once again! Your friends must think you are a genius when you help them out with their personal issues!


SomewayOuttaHere profile image

SomewayOuttaHere 4 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

...ha ha ha....good to know I have it all figured out....luv the pics of Keisha and Rose Bush!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

Oh Logic I ought to be a celebrity guru to the stars I'm just that good. Glad I made you have a laugh, I had Kesiha Me Ash around for dinner tonight she has just had a shave she is looking better..errr...well you can only do so much lol.xxx

Hiya somewayOuttaHere aren't they two hot looking girls as I said to darling Logic there is not a lot you can do with some girls lolxx


logic,commonsense 4 years ago

Does Keisha have a sister, Spanka?


Triplet Mom profile image

Triplet Mom 4 years ago from West Coast

So um no wonder I can't get a man. I have been doing it wrong this whole time!!!!

On another note I have to say that I find it very weird that whenever I am at my worse;that time of month, sick, don't feel good or look good that's when I get hit on the most. Go figure!!!

Love love love your hub and the pictures are definitely worth 1000 words. Great job!


acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 4 years ago from Guildford

Oh wow you are a star when it comes to ways to turn a man on - or off as the case may be! Shining and loving from the inside out is what true love is all about. You Blondepoet, have the true recipe for loving a man. Voting up and pressing those buttons too.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

Oh Logic how the heck did you know? Oh she is a few years older not as good looking as Keisha, and no I just aint going to introduce you to her, cos she want to elope with you, I have already told her back off, he's mine. I am seriously thinking of changing my name to Spanka, nothing wrong with a little spank every now and then xx


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

Oh Triplet Mom oh aint a man a strange one, I find the same thing, when I haven't time to put on my face in the morn, I get hit on more too. I nearly crashed into this guy in Coles car park and instead of saying "watch out" he asked my number, wasn't my type though lol, he could have been a cross dresser or anything, that's a big check point on my list today, I look for the adams apple first, a girl has to protect her interests LMAO xxx


logic,commonsense 4 years ago

SpankaBlondePoet! I love it! Just rolls off the tongue!

Get out the Cat O' Nine Tails! :)


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

Oh darling acaetnna I could fix you up with hugh jass that is Rose Bush's nephew who is a traveling acrobat with Lion's circus troupe, I reckon you will be able to teach him a few tricks or two love u x


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

oh my Logic ooooo that would hurt my delicate skin......you little extremist you LMAO xx


Triplet Mom profile image

Triplet Mom 4 years ago from West Coast

So glad some one else feels the same pain I do! Keep on keeping on! ;)


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

Oh triplet mum I sure will I will come and check out asap what you have been up to as well, I have been flat out the last few weeks but hanging in xx


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 4 years ago from St. Louis

Ohhhh, Lordy! I think some of your clients are beyond even your help, BP. That hairy armpit lady is Sarah Silverman, a famous comedian in the U.S., so I'm hoping that's a joke. She's too pretty for that pit hair. Yuck!


daveearley profile image

daveearley 4 years ago from Chicago, IL

Well I can't disagree with any of that, so nicely done. But for some cultures that wouldn't necessarily be the case.


sofs profile image

sofs 4 years ago

Lol this was fun... I was thinking may be the bit about armpit hair needs to be researched even further.. do you think braiding it would work??


Felixedet2000 profile image

Felixedet2000 4 years ago from The Universe

Good Information. thanks for sharing them.


Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK

Ha ha! Great hub, really laughed at this. A friend of mine has a fetish for women with hairy pits! Incredible but true! He is a bit odd though!


MP50 4 years ago

LOL....A bit odd...Ha Ha your funny.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

Oh darling Christoph I need a break from Rose Bush was going to send her up to your pad for a few weeks do u think you could give her a prune while she is there hahaha xx

Oh Dave got your seal of approval I bet you are happy you are not in a culture where they pick your spouse imagine getting ole Rose Bush hahha x


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

You know sophs I reckon I could put a few of my hairdressing rollers in them, you never know ringlets in the pits might work lol xx

You are most welcome felix :)

Oh peanut you just have to look at Rose Bush when you are in a shirty mood and boy it works haha xx

Why thanks MP50 I think so too and I aint modest LMAO xx


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 4 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time.

Oh thanks so much Deb... there are just so many out there that have no idea how to wiggle their bits! As a guest DJ at the New Years Bumbletown Dance of the De-separates, I have to say that I will be making a poster out of this article to display for the poor souls who missed the last dance and complimentary bush rutting tour!

So pleased that you covered the eating aspect also.. I'm sure that both those with gnawing doubts and mounting ambitions will gain a lot of benefit from your tips, as I'm sure will their victims!

I have nominated you for a QSM and addressed it via Prince Charles, as I know he will also be appreciative of this wonderfully relevant set of tips! Thanks for sharing and good luck with the horsey lot!


BRIAN SLATER profile image

BRIAN SLATER 4 years ago from Nottingham Uk

Hi Blondey, awesome hub as ever, voted up :)


Pcunix profile image

Pcunix 4 years ago from SE MA

It is charm that attracts me. In case you don't know, charm is that undefinable quality possessed by all women with large breasts..

Seriously, no. Brains and personality turn me on. Though my wife does have much charm :-)


Benoitsmidget profile image

Benoitsmidget 4 years ago from Boston

Thanks for the laugh! Found this article to be a great pick me up for the morning. Love to start my mornings with a laugh. Voted up!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 4 years ago from australia Author

Oh Pearldiver you just made my cereal come flying out my mouth. Hahaha you made me choke laughing. Oh boy does that mean I am a Bush Pig like on this page. Oh fabulous comment. xx

Hey it is Brian my long lost man. So great to see you. Being a well refined man like yourself if you have any single mates I could hook up with Rose Bush or Keisha Mei Arsh please sing out xx

Haha Pcunix I like a man who says it like it is you must find me very charming then. Oh boy you blokes are cracking me up this morn x

Oh Benoitsmidget haha you are most welcome a friend of mine came over and I showed them the hub. Gawd they just took one look at Keisha and they were under the table. Poor Keisha is going to get a complex lol x


Chuck Bluestein profile image

Chuck Bluestein 4 years ago from Morristown, AZ, USA

You did a good job telling about what the woman needs to do so the guy will want to know her better, like getting to know her pesonality. The women who usually wear perfume are the older women and it smells bad. I think that the woman who is clean should not wear any perfume so her natural body smell can come through even if imperceptable on the conscious level.


jamila sahar profile image

jamila sahar 4 years ago

very funny, crisp clean is the way to go, but as the othef commenter said it is the persons character which is most important and long lasting.


pooilum profile image

pooilum 4 years ago from Malaysia

I sure love your hub. It is very true what you have written. I have a lot of people that agrees with the exact things that you say. The picture with the armpit is real funny and yes it's a MAJOR turnoff


Lisas-thoughts101 profile image

Lisas-thoughts101 4 years ago from Northeast Texas

cute hub...common sense that may not be so "common" to some women I suppose. Great writing. I enjoyed and voted up and funny.

Lisa


Merilee Hobden profile image

Merilee Hobden 4 years ago

my husband does not like super long hair and not all men like that...the other stuff I agree with...some folks wonder why they can't attract someone and I noticed most are sloppy and look ghetto so to speak fix yourself up and look like a lady not some trash looking thing.


kathryn1000 profile image

kathryn1000 4 years ago from London

Very witty..it made me laugh.If you get uneractive thyroid all your bosy hair will fall off... so life is simpler.Also you'll be too tired to go to bed with a man.. even simpler!


acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 4 years ago from Guildford

Brilliant ... and your hub certainly made me laugh -- thank you.


kathryn1000 profile image

kathryn1000 4 years ago from London

I like the hairy armpits on that one woman but it could be I would dislike them on another.Here in the UK we are getting like you but not quite reached your fear of hair as yet!


Motherbynature profile image

Motherbynature 4 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

OMFG I can't with these pictures! LOL!


Lovelovemeloveme profile image

Lovelovemeloveme 4 years ago from Cindee's Land

haha! Great hub. Voted up :)


Romeos Quill profile image

Romeos Quill 3 years ago from Lincolnshire, England

Lol!! Bullseye! I saw your article title, and just had to have a look, out of curiosity.All the clickety-clicks for this one.

Yours Sincerely,

Romeo's Quill


poetryman6969 profile image

poetryman6969 18 months ago

I dislike underarm hair on a woman. But that dark haired lass is so fetching it would be last thing on my mind.


Mel Carriere profile image

Mel Carriere 10 months ago from San Diego California

I understand the Euros like the pit hair, and I'm not sure how the Aussies interpret it, but it is not for me. Farting and belching could actually be a turn on for a 50 plus like me who sometimes has difficulty controlling bodily functions. I loved your witty hub here.

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