Advice for Men: What to buy for your wife's birthday

Advice for Men: What to buy for your wife's birthday

By Ray Librandi

*Editor's note: As a rule I prefer my advice to be all-inclusive whenever possible. Due to the fact that today, with so many relationship choices, i.e., man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, man and sheep, woman and vibrator, it would be impossible to advise all the combinations because of time constraints and page constraints. Some of the following content may apply to you and some may not. If you feel left out, I extend my apologies.--ed.

Men, what I am about to share with you is better than knowing in advance who's going to win next year's World Series. I have the answers to the question you have been asking since the moment you exited the womb: What the hell do I buy my wife for her birthday? But, before I supply you with this priceless advice, we must first make sure that the definition of the term 'birthday present' in regards to your wife is understood by all.

The following are by all means NOT examples of birthday gifts for her:
1) A new lawn mower.
2) A vacuum cleaner.
3) A garden hose.
4) A weed whacker.
5) A three ton floor jack, a mechanics 'creeper' or a 'Snap On' five drawer fifty-two inch tall toolbox.
6) ANYTHING that once belonged to YOUR mother.
7) A new set of tires for her car.
8) Fifty yard line box seat season tickets to ANY NFL games.
9) A shopping cart full of stuff from the 'Dollar' store. It's all about quality, not quantity.

Now that we understand that it's HER birthday and it's not about YOU, let's continue.

Here are my suggestions:
1) A personal massage gift certificate. As long as your lady is not opposed to being semi-naked in front of anyone but you, you're in!

2) Sexy underwear. Did you ever walk by a 'Victoria's Secret' and notice all the guys in there? Guess what? They know something you don't: Women love it when YOU buy them sexy underwear. They enjoy buying them for themselves but the impact is not the same. Why? Because they know how much you hate to shop, let alone in a store full of lace, spandex, satin, and leather. Don't have any clue as to what size she wears? It's very simple Sherlock: Go into your bedroom, open the top drawer of her dresser and remove a bunch. Her size is listed on most tags. Now, write that down before you forget it!

3) Smelly stuff. Don't know what your lady's preferred perfume is? Unless she is bone dry, you should find some bottles either in the bedroom or the bathroom. If she has a dressing room or a dressing table, you might find them there too. If you should decide to ' wing it' and buy her something other than what she wears, a word of advice: Perfume is like art. It's very personal. Just because you like the smell of it at the department store doesn't mean that she might not hurl when she gets her first whiff.

4) Women collect things. Some women like to collect all sorts of useless objects. We have no clue why. Maybe it's so that after we dopey men blow up the world, they'll actually have a use for all that stuff. Until then, we can use these collections to 'add on.' She will just love one more ceramic elephant.

5) A full day 'spa' package. This, she will love. Mud on her face, goop in her hair, paint on her nails, strips of hot wax on her nether regions and sandpaper rubbed on her feet. Who wouldn't love this?! What we consider torture, they consider a 'tune up.'

6) The watch. Women have been using this simple solution as to what to by US for years. It's time to turn the tables. Buy her a nice watch. If she's into 'Disney' characters, find a watch with characters on the face. Same goes for 'Winnie the Pooh,' 'Snuggles,' and 'Care bears.'

7) Listen for hints!! She knows what an oaf you are, and your lack of imagination, so she'll drop subtle little hints throughout the course of the year in regards to her birthday. When she does this, WRITE THEM DOWN! You might have a decent list compiled by the time her big day arrives.

8) Sports accessories. Does you lady like to bowl, ice skate, ski, fish, hunt or go camping? Purchase some personal accessories for her sport or hobby. A tent does not apply. A one person sleeping bag does.

9) Clothing accessories. Notice, I typed ACCESSORIES. These include: Gloves, scarves, ear muffs ( in her favorite color, of course) and socks. Steer clear of shoes, hats, pocket books, purses, belts and bras. Unless you like to live dangerously.

10) A clothing store gift card. Yes, cash disguised as plastic. Go shopping with her and give her your input on what she's trying on. Better yet, shop FOR HER while in the store giving her a sense of your style. This will help her pick out things to wear in the future if she cares to dress for you. DO NOT EXPECT THIS! If she does, consider it a special gift to you.

One more thing: NEVER EVER purchase a vibrator for her. Once she realizes that there is something out there that can satisfy her for more than three minutes, never run out of energy (until the batteries go dead) or roll over and go to sleep, you are history. Happy shopping!

Comments 8 comments

Brandon kavesh 6 years ago

More information

Bill 5 years ago

This article gave zero help! All of these suggestions were all cop-outs with zero creativity! Not sure if the Advice Guy is even married.

BristolBoy profile image

BristolBoy 5 years ago from Bristol

Some reasonable ideas although I'm confused about the advice to buy sexy underwear but later on it says don't buy a bra!

alex 4 years ago

Never buy her anything that plugs in.

Buy something she wants, not something she needs.

Don't buy something, do something. If you make her a birthday cake, however badly, she will be thrilled and drag you straight to the bedroom. And it will cost less than $10...

Anthony Phrog profile image

Anthony Phrog 2 years ago

Ladies don't think like us. Get her a really nice thoughtful card and you can make the gift an afterthought. All she wants to know is how much you appreciate her. I say go to and get her a custom made glass card with your own words on it. You'll thank me later.

Dane Rice 2 years ago

My wife often puts together a bundle of small gifts centered around a theme that the receiver is interested in ie. Golf- balls, glove, tee's, hat. Makes for a nice thoughtful gift. I started trying to do this for her and came across this site, , that does just this, gift bundles for women. Worth a look.

Dan 2 years ago

For a little light relief from gift shopping for her check out....

Andrew 2 years ago

This article is probably getting dozens of men sent to the dog house! OMG she does not want anything-sporting. This dude's an idiot!

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.

    Click to Rate This Article