Filling Out a Dating Profile PART 2

Plenty of Fish
Plenty of Fish
Picked my best photo for this
Picked my best photo for this
May take more therapy
May take more therapy
Have wedding dress, will travel
Have wedding dress, will travel
Must Love Wii
Must Love Wii
Woman, get me a beer
Woman, get me a beer
Can't see you but sweet pic with grandma
Can't see you but sweet pic with grandma
Are you talking to more internet hussies?
Are you talking to more internet hussies?
Gonna need it
Gonna need it

After the profile

GOD DIDN’T MAKE LITTLE GREEN APPLES

After I got over the trauma of filling out the dating profile, I began to get excited again. Now I can actually take a look at some of the guys – my only purpose for being here in the first place. I familiarize myself with how the site works for a minute or two, then start clicking dropdown menus. This should be fun!

First it has me pick gender from a list titled "I am a…" I select female. The next one is "I am looking for a…"I select male but I do think it’s very nice they haven't excluded anyone's preferences.

Next I come across two dropdowns from which I’m supposed to pick an age range: "40 to 55"(or whatever ages suit my taste). It takes a long time to make this selection. For me, age, race, appearance, etc., are completely meaningless. I really couldn't care less. No, you're wrong, I'm no beauty queen but that doesn't always translate to "I’m extremely homely and therefore can’t afford to be picky." I just don't care about such things. Honestly.

Much to my distress, I feel obligated to pick what I assume will be the age range of the men who might be interested in me. It’s always prudent to put your chips on the table where the odds are in your favor. First off, I absolutely hate to assume ANYTHING. Secondly, with several speed bumps on the road (three females for every male on the site, my isolated location, my age, and, yes, my looks), I’ll have to be careful not to eliminate even the remotest possibilities. I decide I can always widen the pool later, so I move to the next dropdown list

After I click it, I experience an eerie sense of déjà vu. I’m still suffering from the shell shock I got filling out the original profile. When I see the choices, I feel like hitting the ground and covering my head. It’s that dreaded "SEEKING" menu again: "Hang out," "Activities partner," "Talk and email."

Sure, I'd love to, but I was really kinda hoping for a date. What is it about this company calling itself a dating service that it can’t work out why I’m here?

"Long term." For years, girls have been told that we must walk a tightrope. If we let a guy know too soon that we’re looking for forever, we’ll scare him off. Count on it - long term for us means bye-bye for him. Now this blanket-blank computer wants me to sabotage myself by handing a man I’ve yet to meet an engraved card that blurts: "Have wedding dress, will travel."

I'm totally unconvinced that letting this particular cat out of the bag this early – I mean, geeeze, we haven’t even met yet! - is a good idea.

"Other relationship." I’ve continued to ponder the meaning of this and I’m still sure it’s something a bit…shall we say, too spicy for my tastes.

"Intimate Encounter." So spicy it gives me indigestion just reading the words.

"Friends" and "Dating." Damn it to hell! The one-choice-only trick. A man wrote this program, I’m sure of it. No woman would ever see a contradiction in marking both and wanting both.

I pick "Friends." Forced into therapy after my "filling out the profile" ordeal, I remember my counselor suggesting “first things first,” so it seems to be the only logical choice.

My next box lets me sort by "Newest User" or "Last Visit." Well, let me see. Anyone who was just here must still be single and actively looking. Good place to start. On the other hand, I begin to worry that it might mean he’s been on here a long time but is STILL unattached and more than a little desperate at this point. More important – why hasn’t he found someone yet?

"Newest users." This I like. If I hurry, maybe I can get his attention before anybody else does. But what if he's on here because he broke up with the ex half-an-hour ago and is a man on the rebound? Mercy, I’ve only been out of therapy for a week! I really don't need something that will make me sign up for the ‘18 Months, 25% Off’ special I saw on my therapist’s bulletin board.

I'm letting the old fear of "dropdowns" cloud my thinking. I do as I was instructed by the shrink and close my eyes, visualizing a calm, empty beach on a warm sunny day. I take deep breaths at regular intervals. I start at my head and try to relax each muscle….

Y’know, this really does work. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

I make up my mind to do exactly the opposite of what I would normally do. Why not? I can do anything. After all, I filled out a dating profile and lived to tell about it. I pick "newest users," but fear tickles the back of my brain and I wish they'd chosen any word besides "users." I shoo the irritating thought away. I know that's not what they mean and if I ever get far enough along to meet someone in person, I’m gonna be able to tell if he's high. (Didn’t grow up in the 70's for nothin’.)

The last thing I have to plug in is my location. For a lot of people, this is the much anticipated moment, that great reveal when they finally get to look at a mindboggling array of possible love connections. (This particular dating service brags of hundreds of thousands of members, so there really must be plenty of fish in the sea.)

Sadly, for me, this is not the case. I set the dropdown to a 25-mile radius. My click returns this answer: No results. I set it to 50. No results.

And then I set it to 100 miles from my home. Jackpot! There are a whopping four of them. A veritable feast. Heavens, how will I ever choose?

The first one looks 14 although his profile claims he’s 26. He starts out: MUST LOVE Wii!!! (I rack my brain. It’s some kind of video game, isn't it?) No matter. Even his stated age is younger than my son's and though age doesn't matter to me, I’m pretty sure our entertainment choices aren’t going to mesh.

At my next click, I’m being stared at by the glaring face of a guy who looks like I imagine an angry ax murderer to look. His profile title says, “Woman, I'm talking to you. Pay attention! Why anyone would upload a gruesome picture is beyond my comprehension but, as I said, I’m not one to care about appearances and I’m sure the title’s a joke. I love humor so I click to read more. Hmm, 50. Right age range. That's a good start. Underneath his title are these lines. Nothing more. They read: “The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig is a woman who won't do what she's told. I'm the man of the house and I aim to keep it that way. If you can't do as you’re told, don't write back.

I'm thinking, “He ain’t catchin’ flies with this bait and, seeing how he still may be able to breed, it's a damned lucky thing.” (I also remind myself that sometimes only a very fine line divides a humorist from a psychopath.)

The next guy doesn't show up in his pic very well but I don't care. He's the right age, has all the right things going for him. Then my eye strays down to what he’s written. It says “How do you like Kansas?” I scroll down some more. Where‘s the rest of the email? Is there a punch line here somewhere? No? Really? Okay, then - I guess it'll be easy to dominate the conversation with this bright bulb.

The last fellow of the four is good looking, he's smiling, he seems like he might be around my age. My hopes are high; it's looking like my last chance for love - within a hundred miles, anyway.

He's 6'1. NICE! He has black hair and brown eyes. Fine! He has kids or wants them. Better all the time. He’s just two years older than me. He smokes. (Thank God, he won't mind that I do). Religion other. Gosh, he sounds perfect! I read his profile. He seem sweet, and his likes are similar to mine. Wonderful. But that nagging little voice in my brain is asking, “So what's the catch?” I smother it with a big helping of positive thinking. Great! Let’s give this one a shot.

I write to him, answer his questions, ask him a few. Not long after hitting the send button, he pops up on the IM. We chat. It’s going well. He’s nice, he shares the conversation, he participates. He is intelligent and funny. Wow. This could really work out. He asks all the right questions, doesn't get too personal too quick. All in all, very comfortable. We agree we’ll do this again. I feel 16. I want to put on an old album and dance. Maybe I'll draw hearts with his name in them. Giggle.

Bringing you up to “date”:

I spent the last couple of weeks talking with my super guy. Everything was going really well. Then one day, I hear the phone drop from his hand and hit the ground, hard, followed instantly by an enraged female screeching like a banshee in the background. “You son of a bitch! Are you talking to another one of your Internet hussies?”

Damn and crap. Doesn’t it just figure? Turns out there really are married guys stupid enough to troll the World Wide Web for dates – and apparently while their wives are in the house.

Guess it's back to the pond for me. I'm going to have to buy a boat now, though, ‘cause it’s all fished out from the shore.

Comments 15 comments

goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

Ha! Sorry for the tough times but it makes for great entertainment for me.


1964human profile image

1964human 7 years ago from Smallville Kansas Author

Thanks for you sympathy Toad, it's looking like the worst is yet to come.~~~~~


Essy84 profile image

Essy84 7 years ago

Haha brilliant again.. You're not making this up right? :)

Love the pics as well. Looking forward to the next installment! If you continue like this, you may want to consider bundling them and publishing it off line too.. Could become a hit!

Really, congrats on your talent, I am glad I get an email notification every time you post a new hub, I immediately rush over. :)


MindField profile image

MindField 7 years ago from Portland, Oregon

Those pics are extraordinary and immeasurably add to a wonderfully funny (okay, and sorta sad) story. At this rate, Essy84 is right - I see a book in your future, girl!


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

I just love it. you're still available. hehe Another great and funny hub my dear. Your gonna have to drive to Ohio to find what yer looking for. Get out of Kansas, come here, hook him and drag him home as a trophy. Put him in the cellar feed him once in awhile along with his choice of drink, put the whip to him and tease him with your pretty face and sexy body and soon he will be eating out of your navel. simple.


1964human profile image

1964human 7 years ago from Smallville Kansas Author

ESSY84,

Unfortunately every word is true. The good part is it makes for some pretty funny material. I don't even have to use my imagination.LOL Thanks for commenting on the pics. The first one is of a lake above my home town in Colorado way up in the rockies. It's beautiful, but it is COLD COLD COLD!

MindField,

LOL It is a bit sad isn't it. I'm going to tell about the first date next, that one didn't require any imagination either, but sure did require a sence of humor! I'm still laughing about the stuff that unfolded with that one!

CC,

As you know I have always loved men, I agree everyone should have one tied up in the basement!

PS I was wondering who told you about my whip? No secret is safe on HubPages I see.


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California

I'm with MindField and Essy, you should go for the book! I was LMAO when I read "I'm totally unconvinced that letting this particular cat out of the bag this early – I mean, geeeze, we haven’t even met yet! - is a good idea." I continued in this manner through the end...and I'm just now calming down to giggles! Great hub! I can't wait to read the next installment :)


1964human profile image

1964human 7 years ago from Smallville Kansas Author

Kari,

Thanks! I keep praying I'll run out of material before I get enough for a book, but right now it's not looking to good, so the book just may get written. I would probably think it was funny too if it wasn't me, and it wasn't so true. LOL (or mostly anyway)


1964human profile image

1964human 7 years ago from Smallville Kansas Author

C.C., Don't be scared, I'll be gentle and I'll still respect you in the morning!


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

Oh boy! can't wait. Gettin all oiled up for ya


1964human profile image

1964human 7 years ago from Smallville Kansas Author

Don't use too much, I wouldn't want you slipping away.


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

haha, I won't now. but I am reconsidering on letting Curt get with ya now. hmmm You sound like too much fun to miss.


woofmom profile image

woofmom 7 years ago from Parker,CO

Another very funny and great read! Thanks for the combo platter entertainment/education you're providing here to your fans...sorry you're pickin's are so slim, hope you find a keeper ;).....now about that book???


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

Are you home yet? No Bo. we miss you.


favour 6 years ago

Hello dear

How are you doing today, i hope every things is ok

with you as its my

pleasure to contact you after viewing your profile

site (hubpages.com) which really interest me in having

communication with you, if you will

have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other better

and see what will happen in future. i will be very happy if you can

write me through my email for easiest communication and to know all

about each other ok, here is my email (jonesfavour@ymail.com)

so that i will send you my pictures i will be waiting to hear from you as i wish you

all the best for your day.

yours new friend.

favour

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