I: All Ways, Always

I used to be a real bad ass back in Jr. High and high school. I didn’t take crap from anyone, ever. Look at me or my friends, funny, talk smack about me or my friends, if I even caught wind you were talking behind our backs, I did not hesitate to track your ass down and confront you. I was by no means a “bully” unless of course you were the one I had to beat down at one time. LOL But even the ones I beat up or confronted I eventually became friends with.

In fact, I am still friends with most of the same girls I was friends with since the 6^th grade. Yes, girls can be friends, fight, and then put it away without all the firkin drama, so long as the bitch aint dumb enough to do it twice.lol I’ll still forgive you though, but I aint going to pretend I trust your ass, if you keep firkin me over. I won’t kick your ass or confront you if you just keep my name out of your mouth. I know I taste good, but damn. lol I won’t say anything behind your back that I wouldn’t say to your face. I am still that same bitch…only I don’t physically channel that anger anymore. I’ll just forgive you and we’ll part ways. I’ll smile and maybe wave or we can just go on as if we never met, either way, it makes no difference to me. You either forgive me or you don’t/won’t, but talking smack about one another or behind one another’s back, is unnecessary, petty, spiteful, and juvenile.

If I have to whisper something when you leave the room, then I probably shouldn’t be saying it, so I don’t/won’t. That doesn’t mean we are going to agree on everything, or always get along or like what the other has to say, or thinks, but if I don’t ask you for it, don’t give it to me. If I ask then I promise I will NEVER be angry, upset, or feel the need to beat you down, so long as you always keep it real. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear or what think will make me feel better. What would make me feel better is to hear it straight from your mouth. Only my REAL friends can call me bitch, only my REAL friends can grab my ass or my boob and say "Damn you’re hot." lol only my REAL friends are still my friends, and have been my friends and will forever remain my friends. My bitches know who they are!

Oh yeah, I know many women take offense to the term bitch when referring to women, but then, they aren’t my friends, and wouldn’t want me as a friend, and that is okay. I know not everyone is going to like me or be my friend because I feel the same way about some people I know, or have known/met. Hell, I am related to them. Yeah, that’s the real kicker for me, because even the girls I fought with and beat up back in school are friends with me. Yet, I have family that disowned me 10 years ago and a sister that, well, let’s just say, she and I have never and will probably never be friends. To say she does not like me would be an understatement. To quote one of the last things she said to me, before she opted to never speak to me again, “I love you because I have to.”

Myself, I believe in forgive and forget, I don’t believe in holding grudges and I don’t think there is such a thing as unforgivable…just unfriendable. Okay, so I made that word up, but you know what I mean right? People are either your friend or they aren’t, either they want to be or they don’t, the real difference between a friend and an acquaintance is trust. Trust that they will always be there for you no matter what and be trustworthy and worthy of your trust or they are just associates/acquaintances. Meaning, you have those you know you can say or do anything with, and they will never say, or do, anything to betray that trust. Then you have those you know you can’t, and will never, trust enough, to share, or reveal, that which you do not wish to share, without worrying, or wondering if/when it will be used/held against you later. I’ll forgive you regardless; I just won’t make the mistake of trusting you with anything of significance again. I mean I forgave/forgive everyone that has ever done me harm and asked forgiveness for anyone I have ever harmed; forgiveness is for you/me, not for them. So yes, I forgive, but that doesn’t mean we are friends or have to be friends or even pretend to be nice.

In fact, if you despise me that much you can just pretend I am not even in your presence, we can agree to disagree, make peace, be adults, I don’t physically fight, nor do I feel the need to. I just prefer we not ever speak of, or to, one another, or about one another. If you are incapable of saying that which you truly feel, to me, and to my face, then don’t say anything at all. If I have not and do not ask you your opinion, just assume the obvious, I don’t want it. You do you and I’ll do me. This is a free world, you are entitled to your opinion, you can say whatever you want to whomever you want, about whomever, whenever, or wherever. Just because you’re entitled to your opinion doesn’t mean I’m entitled to listen to it. I really don’t care, just give me the same amount of respect I have given you/give you, shown/show you. I don’t call you names, curse you out, or threaten you with bodily harm, or hate/despise you or anyone, I don’t judge (try not to) you or feel it is my place to pass judgment on anyone for anything they say or do. Just give me that same respect in return, if you are incapable of forgiveness and or you are incapable of keeping your opinion to yourself, unless solicited, then it is obvious we are incapable of forming a friendship, such as the friendships I have with my REAL friends. The fact that we are family and cannot manage to be friendly, let alone be civil, is extremely disturbing, unsettling, and unfathomable to me, but it is what it is.

I am not a door mat and I am not a punching bag, having my own flesh and blood find me so wretched of a soul, as to cut me off and out of their lives for the rest of our lives, well, I guess they have a good reason for it, but it is something I struggle with daily. The point is, we can’t always all be friends, and we can’t, won’t or don’t always like the people we meet, know or are related to. We can however, choose our friends, we can’t however, choose our family. Although, in my case, evidently, they can UN-choose you.

Regardless, I love my sister and her family, because I choose to, despite their feelings, opinions, or thoughts about me, just as I love my friends and the rest of my family-unconditionally. No strings, no constraints, no restrictions-absolute. Again, because I choose to. Nevertheless, if you love me because you have to, I’d rather you not ‘love’ me at all. If what you have to say may cause me pain, or is harmful, hurtful, vindictive, or spiteful, that is not ‘constructive’ criticism. Construction implies building up, not tearing down, that is destructive/destruction. I don’t need that, and most certainly don’t want or need to hear it, and you don’t need to say it. If I want/need or ask for it, then by all means, feel free to say whatever it is you feel or deem necessary. Otherwise, keep it to yourself. Leave the hating to the ‘haters,’ it’s bad enough we have to endure them and their ‘hating’ we don’t need our so called friends, and, or family, to hate on us too. I may be a bitch, but I aint your bitch.

So choose the people you have in your life, or choose to be a part of your life, and in your life, wisely. I know I do/did, and have and that is why after more than 20 years of friendship, we are still going strong. We love, comfort, uplift, console, and support one another in all things and in all ways, always. That is what makes a REAL friend REAL; we may not agree, like, or approve of the choices, decisions, or actions, but we love each other enough to overlook, forgo our own ideas, opinions, and or advice. I have too much love and respect for my friends to judge them or pass judgment for how they choose to live their lives or with whom they choose to be a part of their lives. Either I respectfully make the decision to remain in your life, be a part of your life, and consider myself privileged that you chose/choose me, and to be part of mine, or we part ways. No hard feelings or animosity. If we cannot forgive one another for our mistakes or argue or disagree about things and still be friends at the end of the day, than what’s the point?

I always say don’t ask me if you don’t want to know, so you can’t say I didn’t warn you. In the end, I’m still going to be the same bitch I always was/am that I’ve always been/will be. You either like me, or you don’t, you either accept me, or you won’t, you can either forgive me/or I forgive you, or don’t, in the end, it is still about choice. I choose to forgive and move forward and wish you nothing but the best for you, sincerely. I support you and love you, in it all, and through it all, good, bad, or indifferent, I choose to love you, I chose to love you, and I chose you to be a part of my life. Whether we are family or friends, if I love you enough to tell you so than I will/do, and I will stand by you, and support you, in all ways, always. To my family members, you may have UN-chosen me, but at the end of the day, I will choose you, and choose to love and forgive you, everyday, any day, always in all ways. Not because I have to, but because I choose to. As to whether you will ever choose to accept that, is up to you, but clearly, you don't have to.