Alone vs. Lonely: Are You That Desparate, Really?

Lately, I have notice on another site the incredible amount of blubbering going on about being lonely, in the relationship department. This has always been foreign territory for me. I've never been a person who had to be in a relationship, nor have relationships ever difined who I am.

I've never been a lonely person. I do enjoy the never having to answer to anyone where I've been, where I am going, and want I am doing. At the same time I do enjoy being social, and I have been known to turn anything into a mixer. The public persona of myself is out-going, and humorous. I usually am, the direct opposite of these folks who need (or feel they need) to be in a relationship. I find relationships constricting, and limiting. So when I am in one, my significant partner can not be a possessive person. I am by nature not a jealous person, so the person I am with can't be either. But when I am with someone, I am with them until trust is broken. Once that is broken I am gone.

I have never been a lonely person. I have always been that way. My mom used to tell people that, "even when he is alone, he's never lonely. He just has so much going on and keeps busy with things."  Freud said loneliness is a by-product of not liking yourself. I would have to agree with that concept. I am personally ok, either way I do enjoy being out and about. But I am just as relieved to come home and do my own thing.

Why do people need other people to define who they are? Seriously I know people who bounce from one relationship to the next. That is sounds crazy to me, to rush in and "fall in love" just as quick. I would say that is a sickness, just as much as any other compulsive behavior. Don't get me wrong...I am a dater, but not a relationship fanatic.

In turn I had once purposely went with out being serious or involved with anyone for 2 years. I sent that time just focusing on myself. Got introspective, and defined what I wanted. I still went out, had fun, but I focus on myself. But reading many posts on other sites I notice an obsessive need to be with someone. Don't you think this is where many are setting themselves up for failure. This "I have to have someone, or I can't make it alone." mentallity? Don't you think this is a bit desparate? Who would want anything long term or promising with someone who is in the grips of desparation?

Who in their right minds would want someone so insecure with themselves? First thing you need to learn is first become your own person, be able to stand on your own. Second find someone else who is able to stand on their own two feet as well.  Third understand no other person is going to make you "whole" or "complete you" Fourth, when you find someone who can grow with you as an equal, a parallel, two separate people who compliment each other, who reflect each other. "The two lost souls finding each other and rescuing each other" sounds romantic, but rarely works. Neither does picking up "the strays" or trying to help "fix" the "wounded" person ever really work out.

Nature as proven that strays will only come around when no one else with feed them, and the wounded with usually fly away once their wings have healed. So, maybe I sound cynical, but I would like to think of myself as selective.

Remember some old adages:

Single for a reason

Meet them in a bar, lose them in a bar

A leopard doesn't change his spots, but he will try a different hunting ground once in a while.

Beware of wolves in sheeps clothing

Don't dip your pen in the company ink

Beware of strangers baring gifts

Trust your insticts, but listen to friends

And if he/she sounds too good to be true...well?

I read a post not too long ago and the person was asking, "why can't I find a serious boyfriend/girlfriend? After we have sex I never hear from him/her again." First, I think if you are looking for more than something casual; you should be open and honest about that. Understand the other person may not want something serious. And most of all remember this especially; from a man's point of view..."It's never the kill, but the thrill of the chase." For many men it's about conquest, the hunt. Instictively our inner man pig will show through, and many will tell you what you want to hear, just to "seal the deal."

But for godsakes people, drop this "I have to be in a relationship" mentality. Gain self-confidence, self-reliance, self-esteem and most of all gain yourself. By all means get out and be social. Talk and listen; laugh and smile...but mostly don't put any pressure on yourself to be more than anything more than interesting. Remember it's perfectly ok to be alone...but lonely...mmmm....not so much.

I once for a New Year's Resolution decide for one year that I would talk to 5 new people each day...outside of work and my usual gathering places. Give it a try 5 strangers, just talk...It doesn't have to be conversation, long or drawn out, but just talk.

Give it a try, and get to know yourself in the process as well.

Kula Shaker covers "Hush"

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Comments 12 comments

FeniqueS profile image

FeniqueS 7 years ago from Home

Though I'm a lone and get lonely at times. I have found that being single does have its advantages, and in read this hub it does so eloquently remind me that. It at ain't all that bad to be or that serious that I need to be. I've come to know, enjoy and very much love the 'Me' I've come to know.

Thank you St. James and for being a fan.


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Some times I wonder why people get in to a bad relationship and complain why the other partner has done them wrong. Its a back to back blame game. That's why it's best to be careful who you choose to be with.


St.James profile image

St.James 7 years ago from Lurking Around Florida Author

Some are sicker than others... MayHMong you just describe classic co-dependency at its worst.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

St.James I was a love junkie bouncing from one to the next but not anymore.I was engaged three times in 2 years,went through that stage I think because if what I went through in my life. Trying to find love in the wrong places

It feels good to enjoy your own company.I love my alone time. I remember a couple of years ago I went out with myself, got drunk, told myself jokes and even laughed at my humour while staggering back from the movie shop.I had great fun.I am going to ask myself out another time in the near future haha


St.James profile image

St.James 7 years ago from Lurking Around Florida Author

BlondePoet... I am happy that you have survived so much, and have found life's bright spots. Sometimes we are judged by the company we keep. So what would be more fitting then being judged for being in the company of yourself?

... yet, there is nothing wrong with being social around others, too.

Sometimes you have to take a bit out of the ass of life.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

I could not agree more. Own company is good at times. Talking about taking ass out of life last Xmas my friends and I were too tiddly to drive so we walked home

I came across this swimming pool thought yes, that would be great, it was hot as anything. So we climbed the fence. We are talking about adults here, not kids haha. I was doing a bit of backstroke and suddenly we got busted. We were in a private girl's school trespassing. They screamed' "this is private property"

I used my blondeness which I have to occasionally .I put on my innocent face and said "Oh is it I didn't know" Mind you we scaled three walls to get in hahaha.It worked anyway


St.James profile image

St.James 7 years ago from Lurking Around Florida Author

That sounded like such a good time... a bit of fun and no one got hurt. And you got to leave with a great story, instead of handcuffs. Oh, my ribs... I'm still laughing.


Nayberry profile image

Nayberry 7 years ago from nayphat@yahoo.com

I am one who thrives when in love. I don't define myself by another. I would od just as well alone, but having someone there to share life's little ups and owns is a wonderfull feeling. I still have to have my "me time", and I was lucky enough to find someone who understands that while we are together in a relationship, having time to focus on me is just as important. I have been in a couple of bad relationships- both of my own making, but they were not the results of loneliness. I was out to please people who reall didn't understand the person that I am. I would get lonely a lot before I found my "Prince Charming" but that was because I was unhappy with the person that I was. I had to find the love inside of me for myself in order to find someone to love. Now that I have found someone who cares about me and loves me as much as I love myself, I feel that I would not want to let that go. Being alone has nothing to do with loneliness. Trust me! I know! You can be married with children living in house full of people and still be lonely.

Tootles!!


St.James profile image

St.James 7 years ago from Lurking Around Florida Author

Nayberry... I can understand where you are coming from, but much of what you have written screams to me... people pleasing and co-dependency. Which could be a volitile mixture.

I am happy that you have found your happiness.


Nayberry profile image

Nayberry 7 years ago from nayphat@yahoo.com

I had to learn that my own happiness had to come first. Trust me. There is nothing co-dependent about mutural respect and devotion. It only makes life a little more interesting. I don't knock the single and happy because I believe that happinessis different for every individual. I was guilty of the people pleasing thing long ago, but once I found my own special strength, that was over. Not many people like my new found indivualism, but who cares?

You keep your head towards your happiness. If being single is for you, go for it. Party a little for me while you're at it!

Tootles!!


St.James profile image

St.James 7 years ago from Lurking Around Florida Author

Its how you deal with it that matters


sonia05 profile image

sonia05 6 years ago from india

feeling lonely is a state of mind...i guess when u have nothing to do and have enough time to contemplate on the fact that "there is no one,i am all alone",one feels lonely! i enjoy being alone. I love to read,sleep n ofcourse day dream too! Life has become so very busy n complicated...where is the time to feel lonely when one doesnt get the time to be alone?? great hub... i enjoyed reading it!

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