An Open Letter From My Reluctantly Closed Heart
The moment I laid eyes on you my heart skipped a beat. At first, I thought it was because you were so beautiful, but I now know better. Every time I saw you, the feelings could only intensify. The fear and doubt within me did not allow me to get near you, but the overwhelming need I felt for you made it impossible to stay away.
You make me forget how to breathe.
Your eyes said everything at first, but my doubt refused to allow me to believe it. The little white lie you told me when we met made me unable to trust you. Your need to be unfaithful shortly thereafter made me refuse to risk my heart. I now wish I had risked it all . . . walked through the fire and killed my former self . . . for now I am stuck here . . . falling down a bottomless pit.
You make me remember that I am a coward.
For everything I have done since has been the action of a fool. Unable to get passed my own fear and too foolish to follow my own heart. I live in a cage of my own making and surrounded by guardians who wrongly believe that I need to be protected. Screaming to get out but unable to believe I will not melt outside of my comfort zone. My overwhelming desire to attach myself to you is contained in a box and kept hidden so that I never make the mistake of thinking you care. This forced detachment leaves me empty, but you have given me no reason to hope. Oh how I wish I am so blindly mistaken!
You make me forget how to feel.
What screams in my heart is too much even for me to bear. The intensity does nothing but hurt, which is why I wish I could scream it to you from my lungs rather than just my heart. The energy within me must be so obvious that you must be able to read me like an open book. But your cold reaction to me reveals in my mind just one thing: that you wish I would just go away. Such a thing would be easy to do if anyone . . . anyone at all did to me what you do.
You make me remember my focus.
I reject every woman I see simply because she is not you. No matter how beautiful, no matter how compatible, none of them are you . . . none of them could grab my heart and run away with it like you did. Once a week I pass a building that bears your initials. The trust fund that King James passed to his inheritors, the marquis stands so tall in the middle of downtown I can see it regardless of where in the city I am. When I pass by it, I close my eyes and wish. I wish you would just tell me. And oh how I (sometimes) wish I didn't find you yourself to be so much easier to notice. But yes, every time I see something that reminds me of you, I make a wish.
You make me forget that I shouldn't be silly.
I am too serious and too rigid for most of the rest of the world, but I don't wish that to be different. I have all the confidence in the world with any ordinary person and I don't wish that to change. But when I see you my emotions burrow to a safe and secure place; under the soil and within my walls. No one gets in to exploit them. And oh how that needs to be different. If you cannot love me, then just go ahead and hurt me already. After all, I've already hurt myself as much as I can. Please, give me back my heart or take the rest of me.
You make me remember how I feel . . . even if I make myself forget.
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